35Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Antagonism, Again
A Two Minute Comedy

Colonel H. M. Riteus - Retired, British, 60s
Lilly Riteus - Pragmatic, Colonel’s wife, 50s
Superintendent Buckly - 40, blue collar

One hour after the first episode.  Stage is dark.  A FLASH of lightning.  A CLAP of thunder.  Lights fade up.  Colonel Riteus, is still at it, showering the ant farm with one hand, an electric fan in the other.  His pith helmet and fatigues are soaked, fog hovers over the ant farm and stage.  

Colonel: Now… Now my little cretins you are learning.  Now you are instructed in the ways of the hierarchical caste!  You are the Sudras and I am the Brahman!  This is the punishment that befalls the insolent!

Lilly Riteus and Superintendent Buckly enter.  Buckly stares in disbelief.  Lilly is clearly at wits end.  

Lilly: H. R., Superintendent Buckly is here.

Colonel: I said no visitors!

Lilly: He insisted.  He says there is a complaint.

Colonel: (triumphant) Complaint?  Of course they have a complaint!  I have drowned thousands of them!  Thousands!

Buckly: Colonel, I don’t think you understand…

Colonel:  Who the devil are you?  And what are you doing in my flat?

Buckly: I am Superintendent Buckly.  I am the manager of the building.  Colonel, I’m asking you to stop… Whatever this is.

Colonel: I will do nothing of the sort!  I am engaged in maneuvers Superintendent.  They are the business of a commander and his colony and not the least the business of you!

Buckly: I’m not interested in what you are up to, though it’s bizarre… But I am interested in its effect.  We have a leak downstairs.

Colonel: (abruptly stops) A leak?

Buckly: A leak.

Colonel: (suspicious) Who do you think responsible Superintendent?

Buckly: (puzzled) Well, looks like you.

Colonel: Me?  You think that I am responsible for a leak?

Buckly: (pause) Seeing it’s you holding a shower head and the floor around you is soaked…

Colonel: (bristling) I’ll have you know I have served the Crown for well on forty years young man!  Never once, not once have I been accused of treason!  

Lilly: (hurriedly) H. R. darling, I’m sure the Superintendent means no harm.  He’s concerned with the damage.

Buckly: The tenant downstairs says there’s water all over her dining room table.  

Colonel: (pause) Yes?  Well, collateral damage is a tenant of war Superintendent.  

Buckly: With all respect Colonel… What war is it we’s discussing?

Lilly: The Colonel refers to a metaphorical war Mr. Buckly.  He’s an amateur entomologist.  He loves insects and he’s been having some difficulty with his ant colony.

Buckly: (moving for a closer look)  If I may be so bold Colonel… Why is it you drowning tiny little bugs?

Colonel: I don’t expect you to understand, man.

Buckly: I mean, if you was really a etmotologist?  Why would you kill the thing you love?

Colonel: (impatient) Nothing to do with love Buckly.  It has to do with discipline!  Discipline is the substance of order.  Order is the fabric of civilization!  These little hellions are engaged in an uprising!

Buckly: (carefully) An uprising against…You Guv?

Colonel: Of course me you twit!  They have insulted me!  Demeaned my station!  Attempted to make me the fool!  They as much as said so!

Buckly: (worried) But they is just little ants, right?

Colonel: (raising the shower head ) Damn it man stand back or I’ll give you what they got!

Lilly: H. R., don’t be silly.  He’s trying to help!

Buckly: (hardening) Now listen Colonel, I need to put an end to this right now.

He moves toward the Colonel.

Colonel: (threatening) Take one step closer and you will live to regret it!

The Colonel points the electric fan at Buckly.

Buckly: Colonel, let’s don’t make this difficult.  Give me the shower head…

Colonel: I should have known you were one of them… Stand back or taste the storm of my wrath!

Buckly lunges for the Colonel.  Colonel blasts him with water.  Lilly shrieks.  They struggle,  kicking on LIGHTNING and THUNDER effects!   It is a maelstrom.  Lights begin to FADE DOWN as clouds of fog billow around the Colonel, Buckly, Lilly and we…