33Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

The Pump Don’t Work?
A Four Minute Comedy

Lucious Witherspoon - 45
Tom Fullarie - 40

The stage is dark.  We hear the SOUND of a rusty, old water pump.  It rattles up and down for a long beat.   Then….

Tom: Anything?

Lucious: Nothing.

Tom: Lemme try.

Lucious:  Why should I let you try?

Tom: ‘Cause you probably ain’t doin’ it right.

Lucious: How can I not do it right? 

Tom: Don’t ask me.   I seen you screw up a light switch.

LIGHTS come up on an empty stage save one lone, beat up old water pump.  Tom pushes Lucious out of the way to have a go at the pump.

Lucious: I’m telling’ you the damn thing’s dry.

Tom: (working the pump handle) How could it be dry?

Lucious: Hell if I know.  It dried up.

Tom: How many times we come here to this pump?

Lucious: (shrugs) Dunno, couple dozen maybe.

Tom: Couple dozen.  And never, not once has it not given us what we wanted.

Lucious: Never.

Tom: So now all a sudden it stops workin’?  What the hell?

Lucious: That’s what I say… What the hell?

Tom: Ain’t we been nice to it?

Lucious: Yep we been nice to it.

Tom (exhausted) And now it up and goes south on us?

Tom stops pumping and stares.  He suddenly kicks the pump.

Tom: Damn bit o’ treason you ask me!

Lucious: We had plenty rain this winter.

Tom:  Plenty.

Lucious: Never knew this pump to go dry in a wet winter.

Tom: Never.

Lucious: What’s that over there?

Tom: Huh?

Lucious moves upstage and returns with a ten gallon bucket.  Written across the bucket are the words: “Pump must be primed.”

Lucious: Hell, must be a good two, three gallon in here.

Tom: (unhooking his canteen) That’s all we need.

Luscious: Now wait just a goddamned minute Lucious.  Can’t you read?

Tom: I can read.

Lucious: So…

Tom: It says, “Pump must be primed.”

Lucious: Means we gotto prime the pump we want to get more water.

Tom: But we don’t need no water now we got the bucket.

Lucious:  That’s not the point Tom.  The point is, you prime the pump you get water for weeks, maybe even months.

Tom:  We ain’t gonna  be here weeks or months Lucious.

Lucious: So…

Tom: So, what if it don’t work? 

Lucious: What you mean?

Tom: I mean what if we pour the last bucket o’ water we got down a broke pump?

Lucious: Who says it’s broke?

Tom: I say what if it is broke!

Lucious: (pause) Then we shit outta water!

Tom: That’s right.

Lucious: An what if it ain’t broke?  We got all the water we can drink… And more.

Tom and Lucious pause and stare at each other, then the pump, then each other.

Tom: I say we take what we can get.

Lucious: Ain’t that just a mite greedy, Tom?

Tom: (defensive) What if it is?  Don’t we gotto drink back a mighty thirst?

Lucious:  An the next feller come here got an empty pump and no bucket o’ prime.

Tom: How many people come round this ol’ pump Lucious? 

Lucious: Point is, we prime her and we got plenty.  You gotto have faith.

Tom: No I don’t.  I gotta have water an you got it right there in hand!

Tom reaches for the bucket, Lucious swings away slopping half on the ground.

Lucious:  Now look what you done!

Tom: Nope, look what you done!  Here you got a bucket o’ water that’s all we need and you throw’d half onna ground!

Lucious:  If you had little more belief in this here ol’ pump Tom we had plenty water by now!

Tom: Gimme that bucket Luscious!

Lucious raises the bucket ready to pour.

Lucious:  Stand back Tom or I spill the rest on the ground!

Tom: You crazy summabitch, Lucious.  Lemme fill my canteen and we can git goin!

Lucious: (threatens)  I’ll do it Tom I swear!

Tom: (backing down) Alright.  Alright.  You win, crazy summabitch!

Lucious: Now you just stand back an I’m gonna pour this here what’s left down the pump.

Tom: We die a thirst it be on you Lucious.

Lucious: We die a thirst it be ‘cause you din’t believe, Tom.

Tom: This ain’t a goddamn church here Lucious.

Lucious pours the remains of water down the pump.  He begins pumping again.

Lucious: Now… the good Lord be with us and this here pump gonna give us all we need.

Tom: (disgusted) You done poured away all we need you crazy bastard.

Lucious: We’ll see… We’ll see…

LIGHTS start to fade out.

Tom: (skeptical) I’mma listenin’ and don’t hear no gurgle.

Lucious:  Gotto give it a chance Tom.  That’s your trouble.  You don’t wanna give.

Tom: Can’t give what you don’t got Lucious.

Lucious:  (pause) I think I hear something… You hear that? 

Tom: Nope:

Lucious: Sounds like water comin up.

Tom: Don’t hear nothin…

Lucious: Jus listen Tom… Jus listen…


The SOUND of the pump continues for a long beat, and then fades into nothing.