31Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Socks Suck Big Time!
A Two Minute Comedy

Mickey - a Podiatrist 35-50
Finn - another Podiatrist, 35-50
Sally Smith - sardonic Anthropologist 35-50

The three characters move in a space reflecting an ethereal quality.  There is something heavenly about their environment.  And every so often we get the sense they are peering down from a mountain top.

Mickey: Okay, okay, now listen.  Just listen for a minute!

Finn: Go ahead.

Mickey: Are you listening?

Sally: No Mickey, we’re staring at you because you’re a Greek god!

Mickey: Okay.  So, here it is.  We have got to get people to have healthier feet.  We have got to get people to understand that open toed sandals are critical to the survival of good feet!   Right?

Finn: Right Mick.

Mickey: Feet need air to breathe.  Feet need a  constant flow of oxygen, nitrogen, hydrogen, helium…

Sally:  I’m starting to yawn…

Mickey:  Which means that people need to aerate their toes.  They gotto give their feet freedom.  And how do they do that?

Finn: Tell us Mick.

Mickey: Get rid of socks! 

Sally: We know the goal.  How do we get there?

Mickey: “Socks Suck!”

A pause.

Finn: That’s right Mick.

Sally: That’s it?  “Socks Suck?”  Is that the big message?

Mickey:  No.  That’s just the hook line.  That… Sucks them in!  Then, we give ‘em the details.  Wearing socks exposes feet to unnatural surroundings.  Constant warm, moist air plays host to disease, overheating, sweating AND the major source of danger - podiatric halitosis!

Finn: “Podiatric halitosis?”  Can’t we just say foot odor?

Mickey: We need science Finn.  We need to get the people to understand that what we are talking about is based on hard, irrefutable scientific fact.

Sally: You think podiatric halitosis is a fact?

Mickey: I have nearly two hundred studies on the morphology of Brevibacteria.  They’re journal published papers and they’re dry as a bone.  We don’t want to saddle people with technical names like Brevibacteria, Proprionibacteria, methanethiol, etc.  We want ‘em to get the idea that socks trap warm moist air, the air breeds bacteria that rots the flesh and we get bad breath of the feet!! 

Finn: (hesitant) “Bad breath of the feet?” 

Sally: (pause) Okay, Mick, this sounds exciting but what makes you think people will respond?  We’ve been warning about socks for the last twenty years and everyone still wears them.

Mickey: Because they’re too stupid to believe what we tell ‘em! 

Finn: He’s got a point.

Mickey: We tell em socks are rotting their feet.  They cause suffocation, they make a warm fuzzy home for bugs and bacteria.  Socks are enslaving feet that need to live and breathe clean, fresh air!  If we can get people to believe that wearing socks is killing their feet - they’ll quit wearing socks!

Sally: Mick… What if they catch on?

Mickey: What do you mean?

Sally: What if people catch on?  Find out that what we’re telling them is not exactly the truth?

Mickey:  How are they going to find out?

Sally: Someone could explain it to them.  Someone could point out that what we are telling them is a bit of a…

Finn: Emphasized facts.  We’re pointing out the extremes to make people take notice.  It’s the only way people learn.  If you don’t make it a catastrophe, they don’t care.  You’re an anthropologist, you know that.

Sally: The problem is our story.  Stories influence behavior.  But if a story is unsubstantiated or if it’s shown to be unbelievable in some way - we lose power.  And these days with the internet and cell phones and texting and all that - it’s easy for people to question us. 

Mickey: Let ‘em question us!  What do we care?  We’re not hiding anything.  The facts are the facts.  Socks trap warm moist air which encourages growth of destructive bacteria which makes feet stink!  You want the world to smell better??  Quit wearing socks!!

Finn: He’s got a point.

Sally: How about if we step our way into it?  We take it one step at a time?

Mickey: What do you mean?

Sally: I mean how about if we go with something a little less dramatic than “Socks Suck” and maybe try something like, “Open-toed Friday.” 

Finn: (impressed) Hey, every Friday people don’t wear socks?

Sally: Exactly.  That way we can get people used to the idea.  They only need to take off their socks one day a week.

Mickey:  We could all be dead from the stench if we do that Sally.  Podiatric halitosis is an immediate action item.  If we don’t do something about this right now - we will be living in a cesspool of foot odor.  When you walk outside in the morning?   You‘re going to think you’re living in a cheese factory.  Your olfactory organs are going to scream one word!  One word alone, loud and clear!!

Finn: What word is that Mick?

Mickey: That word is limburger!!!

Sally: Ughh.

Mickey: Yeah!  Ugh.  Ugh is just what millions of people will be screaming if we don’t do something about this today!  And when people start collapsing in the streets?  And there are no beds in the hospitals?  There are no EMTs or ambulances to pick up the asphyxiated on the sidewalks?  Are we supposed to shrug and say “I told you so?” 

Sally: (making a face) We need to do something!

Finn: I’ve been a podiatrist sixteen years and I know the danger we’re in.  Mick’s right.  We have no choice if we care about people, we need to save them from their feet!

Mickey:  Is everyone on board??

Sally & Finn: Yes!!

Mickey: Do socks suck???

Sally & Finn: Big Time!!

Mickey: Are we going to change the world??

Sally & Finn: Yes!!

Mickey: Amen!!

Sally & Finn: Amen!!