Gram and William are seated side by side. They face the audience, glancing around as the scenery changes. William is nicely dressed. Gram is colorful, disheveled, and more than a little puckish. She pauses to dig through an enormous shoulder bag filled with a part of her life.
William: Gram, why are we so close to the trees?
Gram: Because some unthinking functionary has failed to cut them down.
William: But we almost crashed into them.
Gram: Yes. And had we hit them it would have served them right. Mechanical objects moving at fast pace take precedence above overgrown shrubs.
William: (puzzled) What’s pre-sidence?
Gram: Privilege. It means some things come first and some things come second. Sitting on a bus with you is not the former.
William is silent for a moment.
William: (pointing) What does that light mean?
Gram: It means an incredibly selfish passenger is determined to stop this bus and get off.
William: When do we get off?
Gram: Not soon enough my little darling.
Gram removes a silver flask from her bag and takes a swig.
William: What’s that Gram?
Gram: It is medicine.
William: Are you still sick?
Gram: Are we still on a bus?
William: (pause, looking up) What are these buttons for?
Gram: I don’t know… Let’s read them. (reading) The yellow one says “Stop,” the gray one says “Fan” and the white one says “Do Not Resuscitate.”
William: No it doesn’t. It says “Light.”
Gram acts surprised and raises her glasses.
Gram: My goodness young William, you’re right. There’s no pulling the wool over your eyes.
William stares at Gram’s face.
William: Is that a zit on your chin?
Gram: (stares back) Do you like ice cream, William?
William: (brightens) Yes Gramma!
Gram: When we get home ask your mother to buy you some.
William: That’s okay Gram. I’ve got money.
Gram: Where did you get money?
William: Found it under your seat.
Gram: (annoyed) You did?
William: No. Just kidding. My mom gave me five dollars.
Gram: Well, aren’t you spoiled rotten?
William: (looking out window) Gram, why does that man have a shopping cart full of junk?
Gram: (takes a drink) When he was little his mother gave him free money.
William: Is he a poor person?
Gram: Yes he is, William. That’s why he’s collecting junk.
William: You’ve got a lot of junk in your garage, Gram.
Gram: Yes but it’s my junk and I wish to keep it.
William: (pause) Gram, why does this bus have stairs in it?
Gram: (checking her makeup) Because they were too cheap to put in an elevator.
William: Don’t you think it’s cool to have stairs in a bus?
Gram: No William. There’s nothing cool about it. Only little boys with over-active imaginations would think stairs in a bus is cool. Good little boys would know immediately for the rest of us, it is a pain in the ass.
William: Why’s it a pain in the ass?
Gram: (exasperated) Because vertical motion combined with horizontal movement gives one vertigo!
William: (pause) What’s…
Gram: It means you will not be able to have children!
William: (shocked) Really?
Gram: Really. The centrifugal forces play havoc with little boy gonads like yours.
William: (worried) You mean, I could never be a father?
Gram: Halleluiah! God is good!
William: I don’t think that’s funny Gram.
Gram: (laughing)Yeah? Wait ‘til you get to be a teenager!
William: I don’t believe you.
Gram: Listen kid. It’s no big deal. There’s adoption, sperm banks, surrogates and cloning by the time you grow up. And if your girlfriend gets pregnant - you can honestly say, “It wasn’t me!”
William: But I’ll never experience the miracle of childbirth!
Gram: Because it’s generally reserved for women.
William abruptly reaches above him and presses an unseen button. The “Stop Requested” bell rings and the motion of the bus slows.
Gram: Why’d you do that William? This isn’t our stop.
William: I know. But it’s my gonads or your ass!
Gram: (annoyed) Okay, okay… (looking out) Tell you what, we’ll stop in at the Cuban cigar store and I’ll buy us a Cohiba.
William: Smoking is bad for you Gramma.
Gram: After that let’s hit Red Hot Video and see what kind of girl on girl action they’ve got.
William brightens. They rise. William takes Gram’s hand and smiles at her.
William: Gram, did I ever tell you I love you?
Gram: (warmly) And I love you young William. Let’s go have fun. They exit. Lights FADE OUT.