28Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Central D’ Saster 8
A Two Minute Comedy

Bucky - the erstwhile team leader
Benny - the cub assistant
Bobby - gay conservative
Buffy - sweet, amorous, calculating
Bill - pragmatic, recovering addict
Baker - liberal, idealist (female)
Broderick - hard-boiled veteran
Bethany - black, motivational expert

Our entire cast is on their feet around the conference table.  Each assumes a bizarre, contorted position - arms and legs sticking out like so many broken tree branches.  Bethany is at the table head, providing guidance.

Bethany: Okay.  And now imagine a breeze is blowing through your branches.  A gentle afternoon breeze causing your leaves to rustle, move, sway back and forth, back and forth…

The team sways awkwardly, uncomfortably, glancing at each other with suspicion. 

Bethany: (animated) And now the wind picks up.  It is a stiff breeze.  A storm is approaching and the stiff breeze is rapidly turning into a mighty wind… Your branches are whipped around, back and forth, up and down.  It’s a gale wind… The precursor to an inevitable hurricane!

The team wave arms and legs frenetically, jittering, twisting and shaking.

Bethany: (banshee-like) It is a gigantic hurricane wind dwarfing Katrina, ripping,  uprooting your last grasp upon the protective earth… AND!!! (suddenly calm) It’s over.  The storm has ended.  And we return to our safe cocoon here at Central D…

The team slumps into various states of exhaustion.  Bucky grimaces.

Bethany: Thank you all very much for your time today.  I’ll leave you now with these darkly inspirational words: “Before every calm, there is one hell of a storm!” 

Bucky starts a round of applause, limps to head of the table.

Bucky: Let’s all thank Bethany for her words of inspiration and… Exercise!  (awkward applause) Okay now… Now that we’ve been given a reason to do our work with renewed vigor, let’s get down to the gritty of digging up the B-A-D in the world and selling it to the unsuspecting public!  Who here would like to start off the go ‘round with an expose of human decrepitude??

Benny: (admiring, to Buffy) He has such an amazing vocabulary.

Bill: Chief, I’m having a hell of a time with the global warming skeptics.  We’ve published more than fifteen thousand articles on CO2-based AGW and people just aren’t buying it.  The issue polls near the bottom with voters, there’s rumors of corruption at IPCC, critics are coming out of the woodwork and Al Gore may have to return the Nobel!

Bobby: (quietly) But he should keep the Academy Award.

Bucky: (disappointed) I am surprised.  You don’t seem to understand the program, Bill. The program is to demonstrate to our readers that their world is going to HELL!   In a hand basket!  We don’t care if they don’t buy it!  They don’t buy it one way, we hit ’em another way!  It’s YOUR job to find that way!   You gotto dig down, scrape, scrounge, make it up dammit!!  What is our motto, Bill?? 

Bill: (chagrined) “When People Look Bad, We’ve Done Good…”

Bucky: Right!  Bill, I hate to say it but you are not doing good today.  Next!!  Whose got B-A-D??

Baker: Head Honcho, Commandant, I’m on the Dalai Lama is a wild dog story!

Bucky: Good.  Who says so??

Baker: The Chinese government.  Dalai Lama preaches peace and autonomy by day and by night, in the dark, he’s hunting bee-aches in heat!  The line goes: “Lama Dallies, Wild Dog Eats Sheep!” 

Bucky: Good!  “Lama Dallies, While Dog Eats Sheep!”   Meat and potatoes!  Whose next??

Baker: Ah. no sir… It’s “Lama Dallies, Wild Dog Eats Sheep.”

Bucky: (frowns) Listen Baker, I don’t care if  it’s a wild dog, black dog, or dead dog that’s eating the sheep!  It’s a poor little lamb being led to slaughter and that is what Central D’ lives for!  You got it???

Baker: Sir!  Yes sir!!

Bucky: When I say Next! I want to hear headlines!!

Buffy: (quickly) I’m on the “Senior Senility” story Mr. President. 

Bucky: What’s that, Buff?

Buffy: Story about old people being unfit for political office.  Statistics show people over 70 follow a sharp decline into impaired mental ability and senility. 

Benny: (shocked) Is that true?

Buffy: No. 

Bucky: But, we do need to throw out the old and bring in the new.

Buffy: And there is a nationwide betting pool on McCain’s first thrombosis.

Bucky: (intrigued) Really?  How much to get in??

Buffy: Ten bucks.

Bucky: Gimme two.  Good work!  Whose up??  Mr. B… Oh wise one!

Broderick: (unhappily) Gotta tough one Buck. 

Bucky: I like em tough, Broderick!

Broderick: The line is: “Scrutiny Grows in Shadows.”

Bucky: (frowns) “Scrutiny Grows in…”

Broderick: Someone’s pokin’ holes in the false ceiling and shining light in the shadows.

Bucky: (pause) Okay.  And how does this spell B-A-D for us?

Broderick:  They’re shining some of that light on us, Chief.

Bucky: US??  Central D??

Broderick: That’s right, Chief.  We’re gonna have to take a hard look at ourselves.

Bucky: (hesitant) Yeah?  And what will we find?

Broderick: (shrug) The stuff we create.

Bucky: And what kinda stuff is that?

Broderick: B-A-D stuff, Chief.  Bad stuff.

Bucky stares. 

Bobby: (uncomfortable) Is it me, or do I feel a cold breeze in here?