A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre
Angels Fear to Tread A Two Minute Comedy
CAST: Fletch - 20, student Bud - 19, student, Fletch’s pal Amy - 20, student, Fletch’s love interest
Bud and Fletch gaze around awkwardly. A very few set pieces define a female dorm room. There is a large Chinese screen stage right. They are clearly in a foreign place. But curiously fascinated by it.
Bud: Well, she’s not here. Let’s go.
Fletch: (sotto voce) Wait! Just, wait a minute…
He navigates the room, looking for something.
Bud: (nervous) Come on Fletch, let’s get out of here.
Fletch: Just give me a minute…
Bud: Damn son, she could come in any time. It would not be cool to get caught…
Fletch: I just remembered she’s got a Drama class now. She never misses that class. You know Amy.
Bud: I don’t know Amy, and I don’t want to know her by creeping around her dorm room. What are you looking for anyway?
Fletch: A journal, diary, some kind of record so I can get an idea of what she’s thinking.
Bud: Why not just ask what she’s thinking?
Fletch: ‘Cause when you ask a girl what she’s thinking she will tell you what she thinks you want to hear… she’s thinking.
Bud: What’s wrong with that?
Fletch: What’s wrong is it has nothing to do with reality, bozo. Women are calculating. They plot and scheme like an Alfred Hitchcock movie. You ever see “Psycho?”
Bud: You think Amy’s talking to her dead mother in an attic somewhere?
Fletch: If she’s talking to her mother dead or alive I want to know what she’s saying about me.
Bud: Isn’t that a little egocentric?
Fletch: Hell yeah! But that’s how you find out where you stand with a girl. You gotto get inside their heads. You gotto find out what their really feeling.
Suddenly there are voices in the hall. Girls laughing. Fletch and Bud stare at each other.
Bud: What do we do??
Fletch: (quickly) Seize the day…
Fletch moves to the Chinese screen. He beckons to Bud who hesitates, but is motivated by the laughter growing louder. He joins Fletch, they crouch behind the screen, but within our view.
Amy: (offstage) I told you it was hilarious… Anyway, I got work to do. See you at the cafeteria, dinner time?
Amy enters, tosses off a jacket, picks up a small paperback, and slumps into a beanbag chair. She studies the book for a moment, rises and goes to a mirror. She looks at herself, adjusts hair, polishes a tooth, sighs loudly.
Amy: (to mirror) What am I going to do with you? Half the time you look a wreck. The other half the time I feel a wreck. We have got to come to an understanding. We need to get something clear between us… What is that? Isn’t it obvious? I don’t love you. I can’t say it any clearer. I don’t know that I ever loved you.
Fletch stares out at the audience. Bud gently puts a hand on his shoulder.
Amy: Oh sure the sex… Yeah the sex was great. But it can’t make up for the lack of real feeling. Sex does not fill the empty space that is here, between my ribs. Don’t you see? There should be something in that space. There should be something that swells like a sponge filled with love whenever I see you. (growing animated) But it doesn’t… I don’t even have a sponge! And I can’t help but think that I would have a sponge if you hadn’t betrayed me! But you did! You committed treason!
Fletch glances toward Amy, shocked. Bud squeezes his shoulder - Fletch slaps his hand.
Amy: (cont’d) You sold out our nascent nation of love and then you trampled on the empty space where once I had a beating heart!! You are scum. Slime!! You are the epitome of a callous, ruthless, soulless person! There is nothing redeeming about you. You have no qualities of conscience or compassion or creativity! You are a vacuum! An empty vacuum sucking the dust from the dark corners of the space once occupied by my heart!!
A girl’s Voice offstage interrupts:
Voice: Amy! You have to help me for one tiny second! Amy!
Amy: (annoyed) What? Why?
Voice: One second to check out my new Facebook picture! Please!!
Amy: (pause) Oh all right. One second…
Amy puts her paperback down and exits the room. Fletch emerges from behind the screen, thoroughly shaken.
Bud: (quiet) What the HELL was that all about??
Fletch: (angry) I don’t know. I don’t want to know! We never should have come in here in the first place! Never!
Bud: Hey, YOU wanted to know what she’s thinking. (checking the hall) It’s clear. Let’s get the hell outta here before she comes back…
Fletch: (defeated) “An empty vacuum…?”
They exit. A moment later Amy re-enters. She pauses, finds her book, goes to the mirror.
Amy: (to mirror) What am I going to do with you? Half the time you look a wreck. The other half the time I feel a wreck. We have got to…
She hesitates, glances at her book then back to mirror.
Amy: We have got to come to an understanding. We need to get something clear between us…
She hesitates, looks at the book…
Amy: (mutters) Don’t know why I can’t get these lines straight… (to mirror) We have got to come to an understanding. We need to get something clear between us…
Lights begin to FADE.
Amy: Isn’t it obvious? I don’t love you. I can’t say it any clearer. I don’t know that I ever loved you.