25Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Central D’ Saster 7
A Two Minute Comedy

Bucky - the erstwhile team leader
Benny - the cub assistant
Bobby - gay conservative
Buffy - sweet, amorous, calculating
Bill - pragmatic, recovering addict
Baker - liberal, idealist (female)
Broderick - hard-boiled veteran

Bucky, his arm in a cast and sling, cuts, bruises on his face, whirls around to face his team.  He is sweating, puffy and surprise! - He isn’t very happy.

Bucky: Now listen up people!  The holidays are over!   Our budget is being debated by the hyenas in the Bureau Burrow, so we have GOT TO SHOW SUCCESS!!!  Does anyone here NOT understand the meaning of success??


Bucky: Let me tell you what success is here in the real world, in case you forgot.  Success means our stories are written and then read by the teaming masses of imbeciles that we call “the people.”  Upon reading our stories the teaming masses of imbeciles we call “the people” should be shaken, damaged, undermined and demoralized!!  Our JOB, in case you Pulitzer Prize dreamers have forgotten, is to make people look B-A-D.  And somehow, for some reason we seem to have forgotten that!!  Can anyone tell me why it is we have forgotten that???

Silence.  Bucky stares.  Finally, Benny timidly raises a hand.

Benny: (quiet) It’s possible some of us may believe the Imperialist lie that people can be good.

Bucky bristles, bangs his broken hand against his head - causing him to grimace in pain.

Bucky: Daa!!  Some of us are not working the program!  And the program is one single idea: “When People Look Bad - We’ve Done Good.”  Anyone having trouble believing that?  (silence) Anyone want to spend twenty eight months in Central Rehabilitation Hospital?  (silence)  Then I suggest we get on with the program, people! 

He struggles to pick up a color photo of blue marble planet Earth.

Bucky: Thi…sss, is where we ARE…And this is what we have to do…

He tries to tear the photo in two, causing himself horrifying pain.  Finally, unable to use his damaged hand, he grabs the photo with his teeth and tears a corner out of it.  Then another corner.  And another…

Broderick:  (dry) Ah, are we gonna have a go-around today Chief??

Bucky: (spitting paper) YES!!  We are going to have a go-around!  And I want to hear some damn good B-A-D or… or there will be…

Baker: (suddenly) “Hell To Pay!”

Bucky: (pause) What?

Baker: My headline this week Chief, er… Honcho for Life!

Bucky: Well, don’t sit there like a geek a gawkin - give it to me!!

Baker: Okay.  We’re pitching the economy crash, right?   Housing collapse, trillion dollar deficits, plummeting stock market, employment sinking and no one to pay the bills.  Last week in Houston Texas, a mystery guy, multi-billionaire named Bud Z. Beal, says he’s gonna pay!

Bucky: (chewing paper) Yeah?  How?

Baker: He’s willing to guarantee a World Bank Loan for up to a trillion dollars to pay down the debt. 

Bucky: (skeptical) What’s our angle?

Baker:  It’s Bud Z. Beale Chief!  Who else could it be?  (pause) Lucifer, Ol’ Scratch, the Fallen Angel!!  This guy’s the devil and he says: Hell’s gonna pay!!  I’ve got a photo of the guy shakin’ hands with the Federal Reserve Chair!!

Bucky: (mood improving) Real photo?

Baker: Hell no.

Bucky: I like it!  Okay!  Let’s go!  Who’s next?  Someone has got to give me some serious B-A-D!

Bobby: (hesitant) Ah, Commandante, I know these are REALLY tired but they do move papers.

Bucky: Gimme the BAD Bobby!

Bobby: I got five Britney headlines… (groans)  Remember you smarties, they got a big circ bump during the last sweeps. 

Bucky: Gimme!!

Bobby: Line one: “Britney Admits Sex Change!” (groans), Line two: “Britney Enters Harvard Law!” (groans), Line three: “Britney Behind Sub-Mortgage Crash!” (mild approval), Line four: “Britney to Hillary: I Did Not Have Sex With That Man!”  (snickers), and Line five: “Britney Declares Pope Good in Sacrifice!” 

Bucky: (fishing paper from mouth) “Good in sacrifice…” We like sacrilege.  NEXT!!   

Buffy: Boss, I’m on the Presidential campaign.  It’s the neck and neck angle.  From now til November we got candidates polling within five points of each other. 

Bucky: What’s B-A-D about that??

Buffy: Well, it’s not that it’s bad, boss.  But it’s game strategy.  I got a tip from the honchos behind the beltway, right?   They say the campaign needs to run tight, like the Derby.

Bucky: (annoyed) Like the Derby??

Benny: (bright) The annual crown thoroughbred horserace in Kentucky, Chief.  It’s considered to be…

Bucky SWATS Benny with his cast, causing him to yelp in pain.

Bucky: (grimacing) I know what the friggin horserace is Benny!  (to Buffy) Buff, tell me what’s BAD about it…

Buffy: The longer we keep it close the more we can kill character Chief.  We’re sittin’ on McCain Fake Hero stories, Hillary in Bed with Mafia stories, we even got a real sweet Obama Undergrad Cheating story!  It’s a long term gold mine of badness Chief!

Bucky: (fatigued) Okay, okay… Broderick, you’re the voice of wisdom here.  What kinda bad you got for me?

Broderick: Well, Boss it’s not a pretty picture.

Bucky That’s what I like to hear!  Feed me brother Broderick!

Broderick: As of this week the suicide rate amongst propaganda pundits has gone up nearly six hundred percent.  You got twenty five reporters drinkin’ kool aid.  Fifty five electrocutions in radio news,  a hundred sixty TV news guys hung themselves, and I hate to say it, but we got two hundred forty print guys shootin’ themselves in the head.  You want B-A-D boss…  This is it.

Bucky: (stunned) Two hundred forty print guys?

Broderick: Last count.  (pause) By the way, the Police blotter reports your car drove straight into the abutment without ever slowing down.  Is that what happened Boss?

Bucky: (sitting down) I, I don’t remember… Listen, we can’t report these pundit stories.  It’s too… It’s just too…

Broderick: (nodding) It’s just too… Bad, Boss.