24Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

 Black to the Future
A Two Reel Two Minute Comedy

Biraque O. Bama - Presidential hopeful, 47
Michelle - Biraque’s wife, 45
Children - 10
Amos - neighbor, 65
Tom Foust - Director, 50
Clark Dickens - Network  Censor

Open  a head and shoulders frame on Biraque, center stage.   He talks sincerely to us.  Super his name below the frame.

Biraque: Hello.  My name is Biraque O. Bama and I am running for President of the United States.  I know that most of you have probably never heard of me.  Or if you have its only in the last few months since the Primary season began.  Well, I want you to get to know me.  I want to explain to you my vision for a new America.  An America with renewed energy, equal opportunity, good education and compassionate relations.  I believe we can build this America together.  I do not believe in division, separation, or divisiveness.  So you, the voters can get to know me better, I’d like to introduce you to my family.  Please take this moment to come on into my home and see how I live and where I get my values from…

FADE the frame light on Bama and raise lights on a middle class suburban living room.  

Biraque: Michelle honey, when do you think dinner will be ready? (pause) Michelle? (pause) Michelle?  We have guests!

Michelle enters with a hundred pin curlers in her hair, chewing gum, eating a bag of pork rinds.  She speaks with a heavy black accent.

Michelle: (entering) I hear you the first time nigga!  Now what all the fuss up in here about?  I done tole you not to bring no outside folks into the damn house!  This is MY house and I spect to be able to live inside my house with jus a little bit of privacy!   Don’t be bringin none of those white folks around to scare us!

Biraque: (embarrassed) Ah, Michelle, I am doing a little promo for my campaign like we discussed last night, and I just want the good people of America to get to know you and the children.

Michelle: (looks at audience) You did what?

Biraque: We discussed this last night??

Michelle: Las night?  Only thing I discuss was why the hell they cut my benefit check down thirty dollar!

Biraque: (mortified) Michelle, what’s that in your hair?  You setting yourself a new look for our friends?

Michelle: Hell NO!  I tryin to straighten the damn nap so’s some people think I look like Whitney Houston!  What you think fool!

Biraque: Michelle, ah, listen how about we bring the kids on in and talk a little about how we met and what our family means to us?

Michelle: You want the kids you call em.

Biraque: Remember we said we’d gather together to show people how strong our family values are?

Michelle: Hell NO!  After I finish that bottle a Nite Train I pass out in the laundry room where I was ironing your damn white shirt!

She picks up a shirt from the floor with iron burns on it.  She tosses it at Biraque.

Michelle: Don’t be axing me to iron no mo damn white shirts you hear me??  Jus because you got that job up in New York don’t mean you got to look like white too!!

Biraque: Oh, you mean my job as a United States Senator from the great State of Illinois??

Michelle: I know where we livin’ slim.  You want white shirts go on over to the Wal Mart an buy em fresh cause I am NOT gonna slave over a hot iron all day for yo sorry ass!!

Biraque: (desperate) Kids!  Oh children!  Can I have you come into the living room for a moment?

Two children run in dressed like stereotyped pigtailed ninnies from deep south.  Each eating a large slice of water melon.  Biraque stares.

Children: Daddy, daddy, this water melon is mo fun than playin in the traffic!  

Biraque: Uh, oh yes… Ah, nutritious diet is part of our family regimen isn’t it Michelle?

Michelle: How I suppose to know??  Kids stole it from Amos next door!  Ain’t that right kids?

Children:  Right Mama!  Raline stole one from Amos and I stole one from Andy!!

Michelle: I jus hope you know enough to steal for your brothers an sisters too!!  

Children: Yay!!!

Six more children dressed the same come running in.  They each wave a big slice of water melon.  They jump and shout around Biraque.

Michelle: (pleased) Now ain’t that nice!  The whole family got something to eat!!

Biraque:  (to audience) Ah well, I would like you all to meet my family… These are my children…

Michelle: They ain’t ALL yo children Biraque.  I tole you about that when you was first trying to get inna my pants!

Biraque: You did??  Oh, well, we love children in this family and every one of them is loved.

There is a loud KNOCKon the door.

Biraque: (terrified) Ah, who would that be??

Another knock.

Biraque: Michelle, why don’t you answer the door?

Michelle: (yelling) Come on in, but we ain’t got no money!!

Amos, a white man in black face, enters.  

Amos: Dammit Michelle, Biraque!!  I done tole you not to let yo chittlin eating cotton picken ninnies in my garden!!

Michelle: What the problem Amos?  Yo boyfriend Andy don wanna pick up the soap no mo??

From offstage we hear an intercom crackle and then Clark Dickens’ VOICE:

Dickens VO:  Okay I am going to STOP this right here.  Tom??  Tom Foust would you please come out onstage??

Tom Foust walks onto the set and squints up into the lights.

Dickens VO: Tom, what the hell is this?

Tom: What the hell is what?

Dickens VO: This sketch??  Do you really expect me to let this run on the air tonight??

Tom:  That’s why we’re rehearsing it.

Dickens VO: Tom, I know you do satire.  I know this is sketch comedy.  But you’ve got Amos, Andy, pickin ninnies, water melon, pork rinds… This is far and away the MOST racist sketch I have ever had to review!

Tom: It’s not racist, it’s satire!

Dickens VO:  Tom, did you invite Senator Obama onto the show?

Tom: Yeah.  We asked him if he would like to play himself in a comedy sketch with an audience of six million people.

Dickens VO: And what did he say?

Tom: He said he was busy.

Dickens VO: (skeptical) Is that all he said?

Tom: And that he didn’t feel confident about playing himself.

Dickens VO: So you put this sketch together to what?

Tom: To nothing.  It’s just another sketch about a political figure.

Dickens VO: You have done everything in your power to make the man look like a fool, Tom.  It is stereotyped, denigrating, racist, sexist, insulting and reviling.  There’s no way the network is going to broadcast this sketch.

Tom: We’re just trying to have a little fun.

Dickens VO: It’s the kind of fun that will get your ass fired.  They fired Imus for a whole shitload less!!

Tom: Well, I think it’s a good sketch and people will find it funny.

Dickens: VO: They won’t find it funny ’cause  I’m not approving it without major changes.

Tom: Okay.  How about… How about we use a real black man for Amos??


Tom: And, it doesn’t have to be water melon.  We could use casaba or a cantaloupe…

As Tom continues we FADE to BLACK.

Tom: And… We don’t need quite as many kids… And maybe Michelle’s character could have a different hairdo…