21Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Down and Out at the Scare Club
A Two Minute Comedy

Grim Reaper (harbinger of death)
Sasquatch (aka Abominable Snowman)
Medusa (Greek witch)
Fred Krooger (horror movie star)

Interior a contemporary coffee shop.  Regular folks pay no attention to our characters who are seated at a table.  Reaper arrives with a tray of drinks and pastries. 

Reaper: Who had the Macchiato? 

Medusa: I did, with a caramel swirl…

Reaper: There’s an Americano…

Krooger: That’s me…

Reaper: And a skinny cappuccino for the Sasquatch…

Sasquatch: It’s the weight issue again.  Every year it gets worse.

Reaper: And a classic latte por moi! (he sits)

Krooger: Anyway, I’m waiting there in the shadows, underneath the eve, the flashing neon sign is glinting off my knives and she walks up to the car. 

Medusa: Nice.

Krooger: So I do the sound, scraping the knives down the chain link and she turns around.  Y’know, lovely girl, perky face, body etc.  She takes one look at me… Her eyes get all wide and she opens her mouth for the blood curdling scream… and, and  the minky little weasel laughs!! 

Reaper: No shit?

Krooger: One of those slow to start kind of guffaw things that turn into a high pitched kinda cackle…

Medusa: (understanding) I do one of those.

Krooger: But this girl starts shaking her head like I’m all lame and everything and then she turns around and opens the car door.  I scrape the knives again and she doesn’t even turn, she just says kinda sadly, “Get lost Freddy.”  Get lost?  She tells me to ‘Get lost.’ 

Sasquatch: (unhappily) Frightening.

Reaper: What’d you do?

Krooger: What could I do?  She gets in the car and drives away.  I’m standing there with five bloodless knives in my hand.

A sympathetic pause.

Medusa: The other day I materialize right in front of this Wall Street banker - he takes one look at me and points to a sign on his desk.  “Serpents Subject to Search,” it says.

Reaper: Search??

Medusa: It’s signed Homeland Security.

Sasquatch: Damn they’re everywhere these days!

Medusa: I said I am a Greek myth mister and don’t no Homeland Security search me! 

Reaper: What’d he do?

Medusa: Pick up the damn phone and call Security!

Krooger: (sadly) It boils down to a lack of respect.  I mean we’ve been intimidating, haunting, scaring the human population for what, fifteen, twenty thousand years now?? 

Reaper: Least that.

Krooger: And all a sudden they’re going flat on us! 

Sasquatch: It’s the goddamned media I’m telling you.  AND the internet!  The friggin internet has gutted our whole show!  On the way over here a couple ten year olds hit me with sling shots.  They’re like, “Go back to the swamp, thing!”  The other kid says, “We know you’re  gay!”

Reaper: (shaking head) It’s just wrong.  Wrong.

Medusa: I can’t stand being a has-been.  What do I tell the other myths?

Krooger: What do I tell Chuckie?  Frank?  Hannibal? 

Reaper: I show up at a guy’s house, he looks at my scythe and says: “Front and back yards, weed the garden, and water the flower pots!”  I said, “I’m here to end your life.”  He says, “Fifty bucks tops, take it or leave it.”

Sasquatch: (standing up) I gotto get going. 

Krooger: Where to Sas?

Sasquatch: Down the SSI Office to pick up my check.  Gotto pay some bills and it’s the only thing’s keeping’ me hanging on.

Medusa: Later, Sas.

Reaper:  I’ll probably see you there…

Sasquatch: (to Krooger) You gonna finish your carrot cake?

Krooger:  No, Sas, go ahead take it with you. 

Sasquatch: Thanks Fred.  You’re a pal.

He takes the carrot cake and trundles off.  The others watch him go.

Reaper: (sadly) What’s happened to us?  Hmm?