20Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Central D’ Saster 6
A Two Minute Comedy

Bucky - the erstwhile team leader
Benny - the cub assistant
Bobby - gay conservative
Buffy - sweet, amorous, calculating
Bill - pragmatic, recovering addict
Baker - liberal, idealist (female)
Broderick - hard-boiled veteran

Elvis sings "White Christmas."  The Central D’ office is peppered with holiday décor.  A tree on one side, a menorah on the other.  The whole gang is here dressed in festive attire.  Bucky, sporting St. Nick red shirt and green suspenders, is in his usual state of unrest. 

Bucky: People I cannot emphasize more the importance of handling the next couple weeks of  Central D’ news.  I am getting a lot of pressure from the front office scouts, the back door bogey men, the industrial cleaners and a certain somebody in Vatican City.  It is… wickedly important that we handle the next publication cycle carefully.  Am I making myself clear?

All: Yes, Commandant Bucky!

Bucky: Good.  And don’t call me Commandant!  It’s Chief,  Boss, Your Honor or Fearless Leader for Life!  Got it?

All: Got it, Commandant!

Bucky: (bites his fist) Okay, it’s a two minute go-around and then we’ll break for some of my grandpa’s Christmas Cheer Nog!  Let’s start with Buffy… Go!

Buffy: Well, Fearless Chief Boss, there’s all kinds of rollicking news items this week but I am picking up on the Green Be’s call for total elimination of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere no later than the 2012 Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

Bucky: (pause) Gimme that last part again.

Buffy: No later than the 2012 Mayan Calendar Apocalypse?

Bucky: Beautiful word, “Apocalypse.”  Beautiful imagery.  Fire.  Brimstone.  Disease.  Floods! Total elimination of carbon dioxide??

Buffy: Right Boss.  The Green Be’s even want to take the bubbly out of soda, beer and Champaign!  I’m calling it “Campaign to Kill Champaign!”

Bucky: Buff, maybe I’m amazed the way you love me all the time - but I‘m not!  Very catchy lead.  Let’s go with it.  Next!!

Bobby: Honorable Chief I’m covering the train wreck between the National Intelligencer and the Texas Performance Administration.

Bucky: What the hell is that??

Bobby: Well, the National Intelligencer accuses the TPA of doping their motivational speakers with steroids.  TPA says Intelligencer reporters sold five hundred centrifugal clutches to the Imam Amia middle eastern bakery in Lubbok.

Bucky: (confused) So, where’s the beef Bobby??

Bobby: The beautiful Mata Hari working the bakery is sleeping with the N-I Editor-in Chief, who is secretly married to the TPA Chairman - and neither of them is a real man!

Bucky: (doubtful) We talkin’ trannies here?

Bobby: It’s delicious! Everybody at everybody’s throat! 

Bucky: What’s the line?

Bobby: “Intelligent Trannie Boinks Texan in Clutch.”

Benny: (confused) ‘Scuse me Chief but was it clutches or transmissions got sold to the bakery?

Bucky: Shut up Benny.  Needs work Bobby.   Got any pictures?

Bobby: Not yet.

Bucky: Get ‘em and we go with it!  (to Baker) Baker, what kinda B-A-D ass goodness you got??

Baker: Big week Chief.  Mall shooting, wildfires, sink hole in Chavez, Pentagon bankrupt - but I’m going with “Arizona Guv Admits Aliens.”

Bucky: Baker, our readers don’t poll high on immigration.  Ain’t B-A-D enough.

Baker: Different aliens Chief.  This is Fife Symington Governor of Arizona in 1997 when thousands spied a UFO over Phoenix.  Then he said it was bunk.  Now he says it’s for real.

Bucky: (considering) We love UFOs Baker but how do we get BAD outta this?

Baker: It’s the flip flop Chief.  1997 Symington denies the whole thing and even brings out a little green man costume to clown it.  Now, he says he was lying.  He saw the space ship with everyone else.  The former Governor of the State!

Bucky: (worried) I dunno Baker.  I get a lot of heat on these “true” UFO stories.  The wigs hate ‘em unless it’s tied to a drunk, drug addict, mental patient or pedophile. 

Benny: (bright) Maybe Symington’s got a DUI on his record!  Or a sex scandal!

Bucky: I’m gonna kill it Baker.  Find something else.   Dead kids in the mall’s better BAD than space ships in Phoenix!  Whose next??

Bill:  I’m on the Guantanamo break-out Chief. 

Bucky: What’s that??

Bill: Fifteen Guantanamo detainees disappear into thin air!

Bucky: How can that be?

Bill:  Real hush hush stuff Chief.  Deep back channel.  Fifteen guys being held without charges.  Not a single legal smack on any of  ‘em.  One night two weeks ago, the guard tower reports the sound of a trumpet.  Blowing loud across the Gitmo stadium.  Then there’s a rumble, the sky lights up, and two witnesses swear they heard singing.

Bucky: Singing?  Singing at Gitmo?

Bill: I got sworn affidavits Chief.  Enlisted men.  They saw the lights, felt the quake and heard the voices.

Bucky: What kinda voices?

Bill:  Weird thing Chief.  They said they heard a choir singing.  Ten minutes later the alarms go off and fifteen uncharged detainees have disappeared.  Right outta their pens!!  Gone for good!


Bucky: (stunned) Jesus, Bill… Is this for real??

Bill: As real as real can be.

Bucky: I don’t… Don’t know what to say.

Benny: (worried) You okay Boss?

Bucky: (shaken) How… How do we write the headline?

From the far end of the table, Broderick’s gravel voice.

Broderick: (quietly) “God Blessed Them, Every One.”

Bucky stares at Broderick.  For the first time in the Central D’  series, he sinks into his chair at the head of the conference table… And bows his head.

Fade to Black