18Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

"Diabolique Choclique"
A Two and a Half Minute Comedy

Condescenda Chaff - 50, imperious woman
Borge Lash - 55, CEO, with a cowlick
Latham Weizel - 40, fidgety, dangerous

Federated Confections.  An industrial pastry kitchen.  Stainless steel abounds.  Chaff paces.

Chaff: We’re teetering on disaster Borge!

Lash: That’s old, what’s new?

Chaff: Independent Sweets has somehow discovered the secret formula to our “Diabolique Choclique” cookie recipe!

Lash: You mean they stole it?

Chaff: No.  The vault is completely secure.

Lash: Then how did they get our recipe?

Chaff: We think they disassembled it, right Weizel?

Weizel: We’re not sure how, but somehow the Independent chefs analyzed our Diabolique cookies and figured out every single one of our ingredients.

Lash: Sooo, they didn’t actually do anything wrong??

Chaff: No.  But if they make cookies as good as Diabolique we’ll lose our exclusive omnipotent monopoly in the cookie business!  The people will have choices.

Weizel: It’s a dangerous rise of “Choco-terrorism” and we must eradicate it!

Lash: “Choco-terrorism?”  How do we do that?

Chaff: For one thing we have interrupted their power.

Lash: (confused) You stole their prayer books?

Chaff: No.  (holds up a fusebox) We cut the juice to their kitchen!

Lash: (confused) So… We use juice in our Diabolique recipe?

Weizel: No Borge.  We cut their electric power.  Without it they can’t use…

Lash: Their toasters!  Brilliant Condescenda.  That’s why you’re running the show!

Weizel: Ahem…

Lash: Ah long with Mr. Weizel of course!

Chaff: Borge, this is only a temporary fix.  And it’s not exactly legal, to be technical.

Lash: Are you saying we have done something illegal Condescenda?

Chaff:  (quickly) Kidnapping, beating, poisoning, physical and psychological torture, withheld medical attention, chemical experimentation, assassination, theft and blackmail - NO, I am not saying that.  What I am saying is this is a crisis of major proportions and we have to have a plan.  A counter attack of some kind.

Lash: How about we send in our soux chefs with knives and forks to kill the heretics?

Weizel:  That’s not advisable sir.  An army of soux chefs would make us look like the omniscient oppressors we are.   In today’s pastry market we have to look more holistic.  Natural.  It’s all about making us look like the good guys.

Lash: Right.  Looking good is important.  So how do we fight Choco-terrorism?

Chaff: We pressure them behind the scenes.  Tamper with their bank accounts.  Overcharge them for goods.  Spread nasty lies and rumors.  And we interrupt their chocolate supply.

Lash: I like the first part but they can buy chocolate from any tropical country, right?

Weizel: We lean on their suppliers.  Tell em, if they do business with Independent Sweets, their buyers will dry up.

Lash: (approving) A shakedown.  

Chaff: We have to be careful Borge.  We do not want to use terms like “shakedown.”

Lash: Okay, blackmail.

Weizel: “Diplomatic pressure” is the political term, sir. 

Chaff:  What we need from you is an authorization for special action.

Lash: Well, sure.  We’ve got a monopoly to protect!  What kind of authorization?  

Weizel: We want to use a new disruption technique sir.

Chaff: Something that’s proved very effective on laboratory animals.

Lash: I hate laboratory animals!  What is it?

Weizel: It’s like elevator music, Borge.

Lash: Elevator music??  I hate that too.  I was trapped in an elevator back in ’96 and even without power it kept playing the Montevani version of “Mandy.”  Over and over ‘til it almost drove me crazy!

Weizel:  This is sort of like that sir.  Only it’s one note.  We pipe it into the Independent Sweets kitchen and it…

Chaff: It disrupts their behavior sir.  Makes people feel B-A-D, if you know what I mean.

Lash: (staring) I know what B-A-D means Condescenda.

Wiezel: If it works we could nip this thing in the bud Borge.

Lash: (suspicious) And if it doesn’t work?

Chaff: There is a downside sir.

Lash: What is it?

Chaff: Well, it can cause cancer. 

Lash: Music can cause cancer??  You must be talking about White Snake!

Chaff: No sir.  It’s the tone that does it.  It causes neurological dysfunction in humans. Synaptic misfiring.  It’s like a neuron explosion.

Lash: (shocked) That would wreck the entire operation!  There would be fire, mayhem, chocolate everywhere!

Wiezel: Not that kind of explosion sir.  It’s more cerebral than that. 

Lash: No fire??

Wiezel: No fire.

Lash: Okay let’s do it. Just make sure that if anything goes wrong we didn’t have this conversation.

Chaff:  Just like we’ve done in the past Borge.

Lash: (feigning ignorance) Done what in the past Condescenda?

Chaff: Ah, nothing sir.  We’ll move forward with operation “Cookie Monster.”

Lash: I haven’t heard a word you’ve said Ms. Chaff.  Now who has my egg McMuffin today?  It’s eight thirty and I am starving for a healthy breakfast!!

Weizel:  I’ll get right on that sir.  Was that with or without cheese?

Lash: (dumb) I’m sorry, did you say something?