17Two Minute Comedy


"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Central D’ Saster 5
Another Two Minute Comedy


CAST: 

Bucky - the erstwhile team leader
Benny - the cub assistant
Bobby - gay conservative
Buffy - sweet, amorous, calculating
Bill - pragmatic, recovering addict
Baker - liberal, idealist (female)
Broderick - hard-boiled veteran

The usual cast of characters seated around the conference table. There are party balloons decorating the room and one or two characters even wear party hats.  The remains of a vanilla cake sit in front of Bucky who magnanimously raises a carton of milk.

Bucky: Anyone want more milk?  It’s not cake without milk!

Buffy: I would Chief!  Aside from the vitamin D, calcium and milk fat there’s no other drink like homo-genized cow juice to put a smile on your face!

Bobby bites into something hard, makes a face.

Benny: She’s right boss!  This cake um good!

Bucky: Now listen folks, I don’t want to dampen the dry mood here but we do need to get down to a little business.  So, whose got some good ol’ B-A-D for me today?  Bill?   Bad news?? 

Bill: Well Mr. B, I’m running the police brutality speech story up the pole.

Bucky: Brutality works for me!  Gimme details.

Bill: Candidate open mike.  Obstreperous student asks a verboten question, gets hauled out by cops, manhandled, electrocuted by taser, screaming in pain, hundreds of horrified students watch.

Bucky: (pause) Bill, sometimes you astonish me with your God given natural ability.

Bill: (nervous) Really?

Bucky: Hell yeah!  You hear the poetry in what you just said?  The natural rhythm of  three glorious words?  The resultant effluvia of imagery?  Bill, twenty five years in the business I have never seen a natural like you!

Bill: (doubtful) I don’t know… What three words Chief?

Bucky: “Horrified Students Watch.”  Poetry Bill!  Pure poetry!

Bobby slowly pulls a labeling tape from his mouth. It reads: “Don’t eat cake.”

Benny: (scribbling) ‘Scuse me boss but what was the “verboten” question?

Bill: The kid asked the candidate if he was in a band called the “ Dull and Groan Club.”

Buffy: Wrong question!

Bucky: Right Buffy!  So, they gave the kid the juice.  Then what?

Bill: Students went nuts.  Protests, sit-ins, sick-outs, marches and…

Baker: (matter-of-factly) Led Zepplin’s supposed to show up. 

Benny: (puzzled) What, like the Hindenberg?

Baker: One problem Chief.  It’s the same story we went with two years ago in the UCLA library scandal. 

Bucky: (frowns) Tell me.

Baker: Two years ago an ethnic student is causing a disturbance in the library.  Cops arrive, kid starts screaming, they give him the juice, hundreds of horrified kids.  Whole thing’s caught on camera phone video.

Bill: (defensive) Different location.

Bobby: (quietly) Excuse me, but there may be a problem with the cake…

Bucky: Work on it!!  Brutality spells B-A-D and we all know that’s good!  Who else?  Broderick, it’s a party!  Whatta you got that’s terrible??

Broderick: Ugly women. 

Buffy: (offended) What?

Broderick: Ugly women.  You heard me. 

Bucky: Sounds promising.  What’s the angle?

Broderick: Rand E. Clockwork Foundation is conducting hush hush experiments to eighty six prostitution.  They go to the red light district, replace real girls with pretty men posing as women.  John comes in, picks his poison, twenty minutes later finds a pickle in the poke. 

Bobby hacks at his cake, strikes metal…


Bucky: (wheels turning)  A pickle in the poke…  It’s goddamned diabolical!  They pay for pretty and get a handful of…

Buffy: (sadly) Ugly…

Bucky: Okay, that’s the lead!  “Pickle in Poke!”

Baker: How ‘bout a native flavor, “Pickle in Poke a Hauntus!”

Bobby: How about, “ Boys in Dresses Cause Johns’ Duresses!”  (to Benny) Where did you get this cake?

Benny: Umm, is duresses a real word?

Bobby holds up a metal file like a dead fish.


Bobby: As real as a metal file in my birthday cake!

Buffy: What metal file?  (worried) Is there something wrong with the cake?

Bill: (guiltily) Don’t look at me, I quit sugar two years ago.

Everyone suddenly SPITS cake from their mouths, stare at each other suspiciously.  Bucky pushes the cake away from him.

Bucky: (frowning darkly) This could be bad people.  Very, very bad.

Pause.

Benny: But… That… That would be good, right boss?

THE END