14Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

"Class Morality"
A Two Minute Comedy

Mr. DuPontif - Rigorous academic, 32
Jimmy, Kalid, Hector, Talika, Buffy, Mai Lin - seventh graders

Interior a seventh grade classroom.  Written across the blackboard is the word “Morality.”  Jimmy is whispering to Kalid , paying little attention.  Mr. DuPontif draws a broad chalk line underneath the word with a flourish.

DuPontif: Who knows what this word means?  (hands go up)  Talika?

Talika: (hesitant) Morality is when you ask for… more of something?

DuPontif: (pause) Okay.  Anyone else?  Hector?

Hector: Like when my brother’s girlfriend has her head in his lap and he’s moaning really loud…

DuPontif: (quickly) Thank you Hector… Who else? 

Mai Lin: (timidly) Like at the end of a story when you find out its meaning.

DuPontif: (writing on chalkboard) The meaning of a story…  Good.  Buffy?

Buffy:  The Cambridge University dictionary says “moral” is: “Relating to the standards of good or bad behavior, fairness, honesty, etc. which a person or society believes in, rather than to laws.”

DuPontif:  I can see our tutoring sessions are paying off.  (writing) Good or bad behavior… Thank you Buffy.

He suddenly whirls and THROWS an eraser at Kalid, hitting him square on the head!

DuPontif: Kalid, do you know what “Pay attention” means?

Kalid:  No, Mr. DP.

DuPontif: NO? 

Kalid: Um, I don’t think so.

DuPontif: Stand up Kalid.  (Kalid stands)  Is whispering during class right or wrong?  
(Buffy's hand shoots up)  Kalid...?

Buffy: (bursting)
It would be wrong because it shows disrespect for authority, academia and a structured classroom!

DuPontif: That’s exactly right Buffy.  Did you hear that Kalid?  You and your snotty friend Jimmy are being insubordinate to legitimate authority.  Do you know that?

Kalid: No, Mr. DuPontif.

DuPontif: Jimmy you little weasel, stand up.  (Jimmy does)  You know it’s misfits like you who undermine the good work of the rest of the class? 

Jimmy: It was me who was talking Mr. DuPontif.  Not Kalid.

DuPontif: (dark) You trying to tell me that I am wrong Jimmy?

Jimmy: No.  Just that it was me, not him who wasn’t paying attention.

DuPontif: (approaches Jimmy threateningly) Am I supposed to be impressed by this… confession Jimmy?

Jimmy: No sir.  Just the truth.

DuPontif: Oh?  Just the truth?  That simple?  Well, how about this for the truth…? 

He throws a roundhouse PUNCH to Jimmy‘s jaw, knocking him flat!

Buffy: (awed) Good right hand Mr. D…

DuPontif grabs Kalid in a headlock, drags him around.

DuPontif: Anybody know the importance of maintaining discipline in the classroom?  Mai Lin?

Mai Lin: (terrified) To… To keep from doing something wrong?

DuPontif SLAMS Kalid’s head into a desk!  He falls unconscious.

DuPontif:  Very good Mai Lin.  Hector, what are the lessons we have learned here?

Hector: (terrified) That… That it’s not good to be talking?

DuPontif: Right!  It’s not good to be talking.  Talika?

Talika: (terrified) And that people who break rules will be punished?

DuPontif:  Very good Talika.

Buffy: (triumphant) And that opposing authority results in a life of pain and suffering!!

DuPontif: By golly kids, I think you’ve got it!  Now, how ‘bout we put what we've learned to good use? 

A pause… The kids suddenly jump to their feet CHEERING. 
MUSIC CUE: Snow Patrol, "Chasing Cars," last verse.  Kids crowd around Jimmy and Kalid and start punching and kicking their unconscious bodies. 

DuPontif: (to audience) In this classroom, “morality” means whatever the “F” I say it means!

" If I lay here, if I just lay here

Would you lie with me and

Just forget the world...?? "