11Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

“Twenty Four… Seconds”
A Two Minute Comedy Series

Five twenty four second scenes all adding up to a single Two Minute Comedy.  Each scene establishes an impossible world threatening plot that hero Baque Glower must uncover, pursue and defuse in an astonishing twenty four seconds (stopwatch bug on screen.)  

Baque Glower - Detective Intern National Affairs
Chief Bilco - Glower’s boss
Bay Bishos - Glower’s beautiful partner

Episode 1

Bilco: (urgent) Glower we need you and Bay in Mallorca, Istanbul, Reikyevic, Toulouse and Peking tomorrow!!

Glower: Right Chief!  More trouble with Sayib Alladin Abdul Bahimnowitz?

Bilco:  An entire boatload of  nuclear family waste products have been hijacked by Bahimnowitz, his aunts, uncles, cousins or people they may have known!!

Glower: That means it could be any of them!

Bilco: Or anyone they ever heard of!

Glower: Can we narrow it down?

Bilco: Dark skin, beard, sings like this… (sings Persian) Ahli alla met urtegan!!

Miming each action…

Glower: I’ll download  it from iTunes, identify them by camera phone, take out the infidels, recover the waste products, kiss the girl….

He kisses Bay heroically.

Bay: (breathless) Ohh, Baque, nobody does it… like that anymore!

Glower: And be back at my desk by six AM this morning Chief!! 

Bilco: And no philandering on the way!!

Glower: You are always on my mind Chief!

They all freeze.  MUSIC CUE:  bar of the Willie Nelson song.  The stopwatch bug clicks to 24 seconds.

Episode 2

Glower: Chief, I have reason to suspect that Bahimnowitz, his henchmen, cohorts, sidekicks, honchos, and hit men may be planning to open a Starbucks somewhere in Los Angeles!!

Bilco: What makes you think that Glower?

Glower: I’ve been tracking them for the last twenty four seconds and they have been carrying heavy sackcloth sacks marked “Coffee!”

Bay: And there was suspicious movement coming from inside the sackcloth Chief!!

Bilco: Hmmm.   Good work Glower.  You Tube Bay.  I want you tube to investigate under cover but… Change the way you look!

Bay: Good idea Chief.  (miming) I’ll dress like a pirate!

Glower: No.  Too subtle.  (paste on paies and beards) Lets dress like Hasidim and lower suspicion. 

Bilco: And it would be smart to speak a foreign language!

Miming action.

Glower: (Mexican dialect) That hees goo Cheep!  We’ll neak on ne property, orter dos lattes, take compromizin peektures and dissrup the operazions.

Bay: An I will make the hony men fall in love con migo!!

Bilco: Of course you go Bay.  That’s why we’re a team!  You don’t think they’ll catch on?

Bay: To wha Cheep?

Bilco: Well, to Orthodox Jews ordering lattes??

Glower: Jew coo be right Cheep.  We shoo order agua con limon!!

Bilco: And don’t forget to mix the Fair Trade beans with the organics!  That’ll gum up the works worse than a Chinese Java Hut!!

Glower: You god eet Cheep!  (revealing compromising photo) They gonna weesh they never, never hair the name Juan Valdez!!

Freeze.  Banjo music.  The stopwatch bug clicks to 48 seconds.

Episode 3

Bilco: Glower we have just gotten word that the Wharanies are manufacturing a new paint ball weapon!! 

Glower: Oh my God Chief!  Is there no limit to the circular schemes of these unholy holy tribes??

Bilco: This weapon creates more than just holes Glower!  It paints a revealing portrait of the inner-most sigh key!

Bay: (puzzled) What’s a “sigh key” Chief??

Bilco: I don’t have details Bay but, let’s just say that it’s a key to a trap door in the floor of the… sub conscious!

Bay: (sighs) Ha, I get it!  You want us to stowaway on that sub Chief?

Biclo: What sub?

Bay: The sub Conscious!

Bilco: (frowns) Don’t get mental on me Bay.  I need you and Glower to fly to Wharranie City and find a certain ring leader known as the P King!

Glower: (disgusted) Ah ha, the P King!  Your in the latrine with that sort Chief!

Bilco: Exactly!  I want you and Bay to flush King from his hideaway, find the new paint ball weapon and destroy it!!

Glower: Before it can paint another disturbing portrait!

Bilco:  Not just that Glower.  We have reason to believe the P King is planning to paint our whole way of life in a bad light!!  Their motto is “I see a red door, I want to paint it black!”

Glower: That’s a sweet and sour note Chief!  We won’t let you down! 

MUSIC CUE: Action score.  In slo-mo Bay and Glower tear off their dress clothes revealing painters overalls underneath.  Each has a paintball gun and fires a single shot at the other.  Glower wrestles Bay’s gun which fires a shot right into camera!  Slowly, as the paint clears we see Bay and Glower at the helm of a miniature submarine named “Conscious.”

Glower: (on cell phone) That’s right Chief, after the paint cleared the P King was a dead duck! (Bay snuggles seductively)  What’s that Chief?  You seem to be breaking up…

Phone SFX: marital argument

Bay: (impatient) What’s he saying Baque?

Glower: (British accent) I think he said, “All ahead full!” 

MUSIC CUE: A couple bars of “Yellow Submarine.” They submerge beneath waves and the stopwatch bug clicks over to 1:12.

Episode 4

Bilco: Bacque, Bay I have an urgent message from Boston!

Glower: What’s that Chief?

Bilco: One of our top diplomats has been shot down while flying a mission over St. Cloud.

Bay: Was it a Franciscan Mission Chief?

Bilco: (frowns) No.  It was a peace mission to the Wharanie Territories.  We picked up his emergency beacon less than an hour ago and I want you two to go out there and bring him back!

Glower: Who is it Chief?

Bilco: Let’s just call him Pupkeen Glower.  

 Glower: Does it seem odd he has the same name as me Chief?

Bilco: Yes.  But we need him in one piece so he can continue his diplomacy!

Bay: My God Chief, if the Wharranies get a hold of him they might make him dance the Hoorah!

Bilco: Not just that Bay.  The meandering war lords could pick him up, strip him bare, and leave him for dead!

Glower: Or trump him up on espionage charges and put on a show trial!

Bay: Disgusting Chief!  Is there no limit to what these war lords will do??

Bilco: Let’s not go negative Bay.  Your flight leaves in two and a half seconds!

They mime the following action, punctuated by musical stings after each transition.

Glower: Fear not Chief.  We’ll parachute into St. Cloud (sting), crawl through the desert (sting), elude the war lords(sting),  locate the friendly… (turns, stares at Bay)

Bay: (infatuated) We’re here to rescue you (sting).

 Glower: Pack him into our Sop-withering Camel and be back before you can say…

Bilco: (angry) Where have you been Glower?? 

Glower: St. John, St. Andrew, St. Mark and Saint George.  Success!  Pupkeen’s back on the job, Chief!

Bay: And oh my is he cute!

Bilco: He’s just a diplomat Bay! 

Bay: (dreamily) I know.  But he’s got the cutest smile and he smells good! Like… Like… Chocolate chip cookies!

Bilco: (worried) Be cool Bishos.  Baque, get Bay into bed! 

Glower: (picking up Bay in his arms) For God, country and… the final frontier!

He winks at camera.  The stopwatch bug clicks over to 1:36

Episode 5

Parisian Music.  Glower and Bay are wearing exaggerated French artiste outfits.  SFX: seagull cry.

Bilco: (barking) Glower we’re in a state of emergent sea!  What’s up with the get ups??

Glower: (French accent) It is for the French connection job Chief!  Ve vill stroll the Champs Elyse in the Montmartre section of the Rue du La Pais like ze artiste lovers of Bohemia…

Bay: Zen we’ll locate Monsieur Swason Sank Nuf!

Glower: The world famous artiste of the bare naked nude portraits!

Bay: Like zis post card from your top drawer Chief…

Bilco: (embarrassed) What’s this got to do with the French erection… er, correction??

Glower: Connection Chief!  When we are in ze good graces of Swason Sank Nuf, he will fall for the charms of ze delicious Bay Bishos…

Bay reveals a little thigh.

Glower: Zen while Bay whispers sweet lies to his ears I will plant ze secret French document onto ze frame of his bare naked nude painting!

Bilco: Hmmm.  Plant the picture with a frame!  It’s just crazy enough to work Glower!

Glower: Back in twelve seconds Chief…

Parisian Music. Glower assumes Swason character, seducing Bay.

Glower: Mon Cheri, you have ze most alluring parfait por moi frappe… (they embrace)

Bay: (whispering in his ear) Swason Sank Nuf vous le vous cuche avec moi you bad little boy?

Glower: Oui, oui, oui, all ze way home mon cheri!

Bay: (stopping him) But you will do one thing por moi?  (he nods rapidly) I will take ze picture of you, yes?

Glower: Oui, of course, perfect a mon!!!

Bay hands him an empty picture frame, he peers through it, she snaps picture.  They throw away their berets, turn and face Bilco.

Glower: Mission accomplished Chief!

Bilco: (impressed) I hate to say it Glower but you and Bay are simply the best!

Bay: Better than all the rest, Chief?

Bilco: (grudgingly) Yes.  Now give me back my post card!!

They freeze.  The stopwatch clicks over, this time to 2:00.  Music Cue: Lalo Shiffrin coda.

Announcer: Tune in next week for another exciting adventure of  “Twenty Four... Seconds!” A Two Minute Comedy Series!