A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre
"Shot Through the Heart"
A Two Minute Comedy
Pizza Guy OS: Delivery.
Baker: (hesitant) Ah, just a minute. (peers through peephole) Where are you from?
Pizza Guy OS: Terrazini Pizza… For P. T. Baker, 315 Langham Ct.
Baker: Okay, just a minute… (opens door)
Pizza Guy: (entering boldly) I got one Whole Wheat Special with olives, onions and peppers…
Baker: Wait a minute, peppers?
Pizza Guy: Yeah, peppers, olives and onions…
Baker: I didn’t want peppers…
Pizza Guy: On a Whole Wheat Special pie…
Baker: I don’t like peppers…
Pizza Guy: I only deliver partner, I don’t make ‘em.
Baker: Yeah but listen, I have a problem digesting peppers.
Pizza Guy: (taking out foil package) Here you take two these Akka Seltzer, no problem.
Baker: You don’t seem to understand… I cannot eat peppers. (louder) They make me sick.
Pizza Guy: (stares, takes out another package) You take four Akka Seltzer, no problem.
Baker: Forget the Akka Seltzer, I do not want to pay for something I did not ask for.
Pizza Man: Here’s your bill… (unfolds a long sheet of paper)
Baker: Let‘s see…(reading it) But this comes to… more than thirty one dollars?
Pizza Guy: Plus gratuity.
Baker: This can’t be right. I ordered a pizza that cost twelve dollars and ninety five cents.
Pizza Guy: It is all there on the bill, add it up.
Baker: This is ridiculous. How can a twelve dollar pizza cost thirty one dollars?
Pizza Guy: (shrugs) Delivery charge…
Baker: Delivery charge? It’s supposed to be free delivery.
Pizza Guy: Only delivered before five PM. It is five fifteen.
Baker: But I ordered before five PM!
Pizza Guy: (shrugs) I don‘t make the rules.
Baker: (reading) What is this? Non-renewable transfer fee? Wheat gluten agricultural charge? Whole food products excise tax?
Pizza Guy: Picky eaters pay extra for fancy food. It’s only fair.
Baker: Fair? I never heard of such a thing! Three fifty “fuel surcharge??” A dollar eighty seven “Fast Food Hearing Impairment Fee??” I’m not going to pay for this!
Pizza Guy: (threatening) Sorry chief. You order, you pay.
Baker: No I don’t pay! You take the whole thing back!
Pizza Guy: (pulls out pistol) It says in very small type at the bottom “No returns, exchanges or store credits.”
Baker: (incredulous) You’re making me pay at… gunpoint?
Pizza Guy: Consider it a learning experience.
Baker: Okay, okay, how… How much is it total?
Pizza Guy: I don’t know. You do the math.
Baker: Me?? You’re robbing me and you want me to do the…
Pizza Guy: (points gun) You’re an accountant right?
Baker: Okay, okay… Just a minute.
Pizza Guy: Hurry it up, I got three more deliveries waiting.
Baker: (calculating) How about I just give you thirty dollars and we call it quits?
Pizza Guy: Plus gratuity twenty five percent, and the delivery indemnification fee.
Pizza Guy: Make it forty bucks.
Baker: (taking out money) Alright.
Pizza Guy: And forget this ever happened.
Baker: I really want to.
Pizza Guy: Here’s a coupon for two dollars off the next order…
Baker: That’s… that’s very generous.
Pizza Guy: We value your business… (he exits)
Baker, stares, opens pizza box, looks inside. MUSIC CUE: Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” chorus -
“Shot through the heart,
And you’re to blame,
You give love a bad name.”
Copyright (c) 2007 GRC, All Rights Reserved