8Two Minute Comedy


"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

"Shot Through the Heart" 

A Two Minute Comedy


CAST:
Phillip T. Baker - 30s Everyman
Pizza Guy - 30s slightly foreign
News Announcer - OS

Interior an Accountant’s office.  Mr. Phillip T. Baker is seated at his desk working at the computer.  Nearby a TV carries the news at low volume.  The nameplate on the front of his desk reads: Phillip T. Baker, CPA.  Baker pauses at the keyboard and cocks his head toward the TV.  He rises and turns up the volume.

Announcer: West Saanich Police Department confirmed that the thief  had disguised himself as a Parish Priest in order to gain access to the residence… In other news the amazing identical triplets born at Royal Jubilee Hospital two weeks ago are in good health…

There is a knock at the door.  Baker turns the volume down.

Baker: Yes? 

Pizza Guy OS: Delivery.

Baker: (hesitant) Ah, just a minute.  (peers through peephole)  Where are you from?

Pizza Guy  OS: Terrazini Pizza… For P. T. Baker, 315 Langham Ct.

Baker: Okay, just a minute… (opens door)

Pizza Guy: (entering boldly) I got one Whole Wheat Special with olives, onions and peppers…

Baker: Wait a minute, peppers?

Pizza Guy
:
Yeah, peppers, olives and onions…

Baker: I didn’t want peppers…

Pizza Guy: On a Whole Wheat Special pie…

Baker: I don’t like peppers…

Pizza Guy: I only deliver partner, I don’t make ‘em.

Baker: Yeah but listen, I have a problem digesting peppers. 

Pizza Guy: (taking out foil package) Here you take two these Akka Seltzer, no problem.

Baker: You don’t seem to understand… I cannot eat peppers.  (louder) They make me sick.

Pizza Guy: (stares, takes out another package) You take four Akka Seltzer, no problem.

Baker: Forget the Akka Seltzer, I do not want to pay for something I did not ask for.

Pizza Man: Here’s your bill… (unfolds a long sheet of paper)

Baker: Let‘s see…(reading it) But this comes to… more than thirty one dollars?

Pizza Guy: Plus gratuity.

Baker: This can’t be right.  I ordered a pizza that cost twelve dollars and ninety five cents.

Pizza Guy: It is all there on the bill, add it up.

Baker: This is ridiculous.  How can a twelve dollar pizza cost thirty one dollars?

Pizza Guy: (shrugs) Delivery charge…

Baker: Delivery charge?  It’s supposed to be free delivery.

Pizza Guy: Only delivered before five PM.  It is five fifteen.

Baker: But I ordered  before five PM!

Pizza Guy: (shrugs) I don‘t make the rules.

Baker: (reading) What is this?  Non-renewable transfer fee?  Wheat gluten agricultural charge?  Whole food products excise tax?

Pizza Guy: Picky eaters pay extra for fancy food.  It’s only fair.

Baker: Fair?  I never heard of such a thing!  Three fifty “fuel surcharge??”  A dollar eighty seven “Fast Food Hearing Impairment Fee??” I’m not going to pay for this!

Pizza Guy: (threatening) Sorry chief.   You order, you pay.

Baker: No I don’t pay!  You take the whole thing back!

Pizza Guy: (pulls out pistol) It says in very small type at the bottom “No returns, exchanges or store credits.” 

Baker: (incredulous) You’re making me pay at… gunpoint?

Pizza Guy:  Consider it a learning experience.

Baker: Okay, okay, how… How much is it total?

Pizza Guy: I don’t know.  You do the math.

Baker: Me??  You’re robbing me and you want me to do the…

Pizza Guy: (points gun) You’re an accountant right?

Baker: Okay, okay… Just a minute.

Pizza Guy: Hurry it up, I got three more deliveries waiting.

Baker: (calculating) How about I just give you thirty dollars and we call it quits?

Pizza Guy: Plus gratuity twenty five percent, and the delivery indemnification fee.

Baker: Indemnification…??

Pizza Guy: Make it forty bucks.

Baker: (taking out money) Alright.

Pizza Guy: And forget this ever happened.
 
Baker: I really want to.

Pizza Guy: Here’s a coupon for two dollars off the next order…

Baker: That’s… that’s very generous.

Pizza Guy: We value your business… (he exits)

Baker, stares, opens pizza box, looks inside.  MUSIC CUE: Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” chorus -

“Shot through the heart,
And you’re to blame,
You give love a bad name.”

THE END