A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre
“We’ll Manufacture Your Next ...”
Bucky: (pacing) Benny take a note! Are we doing bees or babies people?
Benny: You mean human babies, right boss?
Bucky: I do not mean baby pinapeds Benny! Battering baby seals is good for a week maybe two. We‘ve got a gaping sixty day window! Baker, what’ve you got?
Baker: Sleeper killer bees assassinate honey bees, then swarm hospital nursery.
Bucky: Too many bees! Buffy?
Buffy: Bird flu virus leaked into the Post Office printing plant. Thirty million new stamps infected.
Bucky: (pause) Not bad. Casualties?
Buffy: One infected roll wipes out entire Omaha kindergarten.
Buffy: Guilty teacher shoots herself on stricken family’s lawn.
Bucky: Getting better. Bill? Babies or bees?
Bill: I’m going with the bee keeper rampage. Bankrupt, destitute, steals five cases of whiskey, dumps four cases on his bees, drinks the fifth then lights himself on fire.
Bucky: How many dead?
Bill: Millions of bees.
Bucky: Dead humans?
Bill: Just the beekeeper but CNN goes with it live.
Bucky: Not bad, but we need sixty days.
Bill: Surviving bees mutate.
Bucky: Into what?
Bucky: You know what I have to say about that.
Bill: I win the pool?
Bucky: The deal is keeping it real folks. Don’t pretend like we haven’t done this before! Bobby?
Bobby: Al Kaida infiltrates a million mutant queens into Sarasota. Bush correctly reads this as an act of war and carpet bombs Bagdad with malathion.
Bucky: But the queens are in Florida.
Broderick: Or wherever there‘s a shoe sale.
Bobby: Don’t be cruel, Broderick.
Bucky: Baker give me something different.
Baker: Phoenix cold spell freezes five hundred seniors.
Baker: Power goes down, temperature goes down. Seniors freeze up.
Bucky: Plausible cause?
Baker: (shrugs) Climate change.
Bucky: Aw come on you guys. Give me something I can run with. We got week-longs here. I need two solid months of heart pounding FEAR dammit!
Bobby: Milli Vanilli is back together.
Bucky: Broderick, teach the children please.
Broderick: Lost shipment of flu vaccine contaminated by heat wave. Price of citrus triples in scurvy outbreak and next year’s fresh produce crop collapses. A head of lettuce sells for fifteen bucks.
Bucky: (pause) I like it. Complications?
Broderick: Flu babies die. Grocery store riots. Chinese corner the seaweed market.
Buffy: What’s seaweed got to do with it?
Benny: Substitute produce.
Baker: (expanding idea) Except the two degree rise in ocean temperature causes the seaweed to rot!
Buffy: Oh, wouldn’t that cause the whole earth to… stink?
Bobby: Rotting biomass releases millions of tons of CO2 and methane!
Bill: Causing a new cycle of warming and subsequent monsoons!
Bucky: Forget monsoons. We could have a whole holocaust of hurricanes!
Broderick: (dry) The price of foul weather gear would skyrocket.
Bucky: Okay. Good. We’ve got the story, you got the feet - go get ‘em in the street people!
Bill: (pause) Does this mean I don’t win the pool, boss?
THE END (for now)
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