7Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Central D' Saster

“We’ll Manufacture Your Next ...”

Bucky - the erstwhile team leader
Benny - the cub assistant
Bobby - gay conservative
Buffy - sweet, amorous, calculating
Bill - pragmatic, recovering addict
Baker - liberal, idealist female
Broderick - hard-boiled veteran

A bustling office atmosphere with a large conference table front and center.  Seven people sit around it scribbling notes or keying laptops.  The company name and motto is emblazoned across the wall.

 Bucky: (pacing) Benny take a note!  Are we doing bees or babies people?

Benny: You mean human babies, right boss?

Bucky: I do not mean baby pinapeds Benny!  Battering baby seals is good for a week maybe two.   We‘ve  got a gaping sixty day window! Baker, what’ve you got?

Baker: Sleeper killer bees assassinate honey bees, then swarm hospital nursery.

Bucky: Too many bees! Buffy?

Buffy: Bird flu virus leaked into the Post Office printing plant.  Thirty million new stamps infected.

Bucky: (pause) Not bad.  Casualties?

Buffy: One infected roll wipes out entire Omaha kindergarten. 

Bucky: Collateral?

Buffy: Guilty teacher shoots herself on stricken family’s lawn.

Bucky: Getting better.  Bill?  Babies or bees?

Bill: I’m going with the bee keeper rampage.  Bankrupt, destitute, steals five cases of whiskey, dumps four cases on his bees, drinks the fifth then lights himself on fire.

Bucky: How many dead?

Bill: Millions of bees.

Bucky: Dead humans?

Bill: Just the beekeeper but CNN goes with it live.

Bucky: Not bad, but we need sixty days.

Bill: Surviving bees mutate.

Bucky: Into what?

Bill: Alcoholics.

Bucky: You know what I have to say about that.

Bill: I win the pool?

Bucky: The deal is keeping it real folks.  Don’t pretend like we haven’t done this before!  Bobby?

Bobby: Al Kaida infiltrates a million mutant queens into Sarasota.  Bush correctly reads this as an act of war and carpet bombs Bagdad with malathion.

Bucky: But the queens are in Florida.

Broderick: Or wherever there‘s a shoe sale.

Bobby: Don’t be cruel, Broderick.

Bucky: Baker give me something different.

Baker: Phoenix cold spell freezes five hundred seniors.

Bucky: How?

Baker: Power goes down, temperature goes down.  Seniors freeze up.

Bucky: Plausible cause?

Baker: (shrugs) Climate change.

Bucky: Aw come on you guys.  Give me something I can run with.  We got week-longs here.  I need  two solid months of heart pounding FEAR dammit!

Bobby: Milli Vanilli is back together.

Bucky: Broderick, teach the children please.

Broderick: Lost shipment of flu vaccine contaminated by heat wave.  Price of citrus triples in scurvy outbreak and  next year’s fresh produce crop collapses.  A head of lettuce sells for fifteen bucks.

Bucky: (pause) I like it.  Complications?

Broderick: Flu babies die.  Grocery store riots.  Chinese corner the seaweed market.

Buffy: What’s seaweed got to do with it?

Benny: Substitute produce.

Bucky: Perfect.

Baker: (expanding idea) Except the two degree rise in ocean temperature causes the seaweed to rot!

Buffy: Oh, wouldn’t that cause the whole earth to… stink?

Bobby: Rotting biomass releases millions of tons of CO2 and methane!

Bill: Causing a new cycle of warming and subsequent monsoons!

Bucky: Forget monsoons.  We could have a whole holocaust of hurricanes!

Broderick: (dry) The price of foul weather gear would skyrocket.

Bucky: Okay.  Good. We’ve got the story, you got the feet - go get ‘em in the street people!

Bill: (pause) Does this mean I don’t win the pool, boss?

THE END (for now)