Timeline: Wheeling Jesuit University

 

Does your curiously prohibitive schedule prevent you from wading through the complicated history of Wheeling Jesuit University,  or, as we scholars are prone to calling it, The Compelling Story of Slaves, Martyrs, Despots, and Heroes, of Futile Protestant Marauders and Divine Catholic Intervention: A Revised History of Wheeling Jesuit University From the Dormant Period to Modern Times? No sweat. These days, everything is available in bite-sized amounts, and the history of a university as illutsrious as ours should be no different.

 1992: Unknown extraterrestrials attack Wheeling Jesuit University

 

Early Times

74
Wheeling College slave colony founded by Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang and Insanius of the Roman Legion

94
Three successive slave rebellions are crushed by Mecha-Pandas

98
Father Stark completes his seminary training and becomes a qualified member of the Society of Jesus

104
Insanius' death grants Fed Acker Huang complete control of Wheeling College

108
Fed Acker Huang's Domus Aurea constructed

111
Common Grounds founded to improve student morale

210
Campus Insecurity founded by Fed Acker Huang

312
Father Stark sent to Oakvale, West Virginia, where he fends off an assassination attempt; he and Servabot go into hiding

467
It Totally Sucks! (ITS) founded

480
Fed Acker Huang ripped from Normal Continuity due to his meddling with time travel; Wheeling College enters a dark age

618
Library of the Damned founded

1064
Bookstore of the People founded

English Colonisation

1269
Harsh winter forces female students to band together to form the Lacrossetitution Guild

1280
The English gain control of Wheeling College during the turmoil of the French and Indian War

1284
T-More is rediscovered by Native American scouts and used as a grain silo

Wheeling College Under the Dschinghis Khan protectorate

1310
The English are defeated by the Dschinghis Khan protectorate, giving control of Wheeling College to the Ottoman Turks

1316
Slave colony abolished; Wheeling College re-opened as an institute of higher learning

1318
Job becomes the first staff member of Wheeling College as a professor of philosophy.

1340
Guild of Diplomats founded for the purposes of attracting foreign talent to Wheeling College

1351
Secret Pact O’ Peace signed between Ottomans and Romans, resulting in the formation of an underground resistance group known as The Purifyers

1352
ITS shut down by Sultan Orion

1354
The Office of Multicultural Affairs is founded by Osmin Khan in an attempt to appease rebel groups

1356
Metaphysical Plant established with the employing of the first ghosts

1357
Moore's Greate Booke of Academic Martyrs first published

1463
Father Stark and Servabot defect to Wheeling College

1470
People’s Peaceful Revolutionary Peasants’, Soldiers’, and Seamens’ Party for a happy fun time and to get rid of the jerk-face Fed Acker Huang founded

1471
Domus Aurea torn down to make way for a karaoke bar and steak grill

1506
Wheeling College’s catacombs are converted into the McHugh dormitory

1507
WJU Civitan founded

1557
McHugh burns to the ground, but is rebuilt the following year

1561
Campion is added onto McHugh

1683
Fed Acker Huang breaks free from trans-dimensional prison and declares war on the Dschinghis Khan protectorate and Wheeling College; defeat for Huang's forces results in exile by Robert Byrd for 300 years

1714
Dschinghis Khan protectorate attempts to disband a resisting Campus Insecurity, resulting in the Wet Salmon Conflict

1855
The Infallibles founded

1861
Copies of Moore's Greate Booke of Academic Martyrs are discovered, reprinted, and distributed

The Era of Jesuits

1872
Dschinghis Khan protectorate leaves Wheeling College in the hands of Father Jazzman, the college's first Jesuit president

1880
Jesuitdell built by Father Jazzman

1899
Io the Invincible becomes president of Wheeling College

1907
Father Haig succeeds Io the Invincible

1911
Father Haig slaughters the WJU Board of Governors after they vote against funding his cancer research programme

1914
Queen Maher matures and breaks through the surface of the earth

1918
Father Donahue becomes president of Wheeling College

Donahue Hall is constructed

1921
Cissegara assault on Wheeling College is repelled by the Council of Light

Cardinal Connection established

1923
Lacrosse and track-and-field teams clash, resulting in a riot that leaves 124 dead

1933
The People, Peasants, Soldiers, and Seamen Have Goddamn Rocket Launchers rebellion fails; James Cobb is arrested but granted amnesty

1935
Thar Be Dinosaurs Hurr! first published

1939
Father Rom becomes chancellor of Wheeling College; founds the Young National Bocialists Club and institutes the controversial Project Lebensraum

Father Rom rebuilds the Domus Aurea, using it to conduct "science experiments on willing volunteers"

Financial Aid founded

1940
Father Rom seizes control of the Cardinal Connection

1944
The Leader succeeds Father Rom after his assassination by a member of the Guild of Diplomats

1945
Gangsta rapper Il Duce is housed in the Domus Aurea

1953
Prince Coxar defeats Josef Stalin; leaves the Soviet Union for the United States, where he joins Wheeling College and the Council of Light

1954
Date of the university's "founding" according to "revised" Huangian texts 

1956
Swint Hall constructed under Project Lebensraum

1958
Father Little installed as president; the youngest president ever to lead Wheeling College, and one of the most effective

1960
Academic Resource Center founded by Father Little

1963
Troy Theater constructed

1964
Father Bantufavi becomes president after Father Little peacefully resigns under pressure of the Board of Governors

1970
Satellite Bay built in secret by the League of Evil

1972
James Cobb formally enrols at Wheeling College; previous status as rebel leader forgotten

1973
Nazi censorship of Cardinal Connection lifted by Father Bantufavi

1975
Sara Tracy founded by Father Raculad

Young National Bocialists Club is renamed "Young Democrats" 

1982
Father Stark becomes head of the Council of Light

The Golden Age of Fed Acker Huang 

1983
Fed Acker Huang returns from 300-year exile and installs himself as president of the university

The last virgin in Wheeling Jesuit University is consumed by Father Raculad

Fed Acker Huang returns from exile and seizes control of Wheeling College from the deceased Father Raculad, renaming the institution "Wheeling Jesuit University"

1984
ITS revived by Fed Acker Huang

Domus Aurea renamed "Acker Science Center" 

Ignatius Hall constructed 

1985
The Back Gate stops 68,091 out of 68,094 cats from entering Wheeling Jesuit University

1988
Secret base for the Soviet Navy discovered in Big Wheeling Creek; destroyed by Prince Coxar

Fed Acker Huang declares it "illegal" for non-white students to attend classes; law quietly overturned by the Office of Multicultural Affairs

Fed Acker Huang fails in an attempt to control an errant time stream, resulting in the permanent sealing of the front door to Campion/McHugh

1991
Prince Coxar awarded the position of Grand Wizard of the Serbian Order of the Knights Templar for "services to the nation and people of Serbia"

1992
Unknown extraterrestrials attack Wheeling Jesuit University

Parkhurst takes control of Common Grounds

1994
Cardinal Connection leaks a report of a baby found in a dumpster; Lacrossetitution Guild suspected, but no investigation made

Giant, mutated spiders attack Ignatius, resulting in 15 deaths

1995
First Shady Production, "Jackalope", is released with a lukewarm response from critics

1999
Alma Grace Mugabe Center for Progressive Economic and Political Reform opened to the public

Fed Acker Huang Observatory constructed adjacent to Sara Tracy

2000
Kirby is added onto Sara Tracy by Fed Acker Huang; named after Nintendo’s pink puffball

WJU Civitan disbanded for unknown reasons; former members and brainwashed and imprisoned for life

 

Modern Times

2001
Fed Acker Huang assassinated and succeeded by Lundius Superbus

Guild of Diplomats renamed the International Student Terror Cell following the September 11th attacks on the United States

"Draconian, Schmaconian" greatly increases the power of Campus Insecurity

2002
Time-travelling family triggers the Stallitron V Incident by attempting to break through the Campion/McHugh barrier

Double Secret Probation is signed as a law

Analysis of a Theory of Wang Biting is published

Churchill Society, Wheeling founded

2003
Lundius Superbus abdicates; El Presidente installed as president after a brief interim government known as The Council of About Twenty Dudes and Two Hot Chicks is dissolved

Cardinal-Online Social Board Intelligentsia (COSBI) founded

The Office of Multicultural Affairs is burnt down by irate KKK members

El Preidente intiates "X-TREME D for Donation", or XDD

Reports of two ninjas seen on top of Swint Hall are never substantiated

Lundy Hall constructed

2004
Great White Mother joins Wheeling Jesuit University's Residence Life party

WJU’s Own Tom installed as conductor of the "short bus" of Campion/McHugh

2005
Pong bombs banned

The Back Gate prevents The Great Flood from destroying any Wheeling Jesuit University property

Police car discovered on top of the Acker Science Center; extraterrestrial activity suspected

Bizarro Hammond the Holy imprisons Hammond the Holy and possesses the latter’s body

Queen Maher defeated after an epic battle with the Council of Light

2006
El Presidente accepts $500 million donation from Texas Jim’s Savings and Loans Company on the condition of a curriculum change

Operation Reverse Manifest Destiny is thwarted; Chief Librarian Smelly Bison fired

WJU's Own Tom graduates from Wheeling Jesuit University

Bizarro Hammond the Holy consumes and devours Hammond the Holy's soul; only Hammond the Unclean One remains

2007
Don Immortal installed as 13th president of Wheeling Jesuit University

2008
WJU's Own Tom heads for a secret papal enclave in Italy to study the mystic arts

2009
WJU once again embroiled in scandal as the CET is discovered siphoning money from NASA for the purposes of building a galactic missile to be used to destroy a papal moon base. Don Immortal is defeated by a team of Catholic superheroes and deposed as president of WJU, making him the shortest reigning president since Lundius Superbus' abdication just six years prior

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