It's finally here.
You've heard about it. Whether you've heard its name dropped in the B-Room, in the mail room, while walking through the dimly-lit corridors of first Donahue, or while crashing a party on second Thomas More, you've heard people talk about it. You may even have seen bits and pieces of it, or perhaps you read and even posted in the original thread back in 2003.
But, until now, it has never been put in one place.
Think you know everything about WJU? That's unlikely - at least, not until you've read the WJU Saga.
Compiled from posts on the Cardinal-On-Line Social Board made by Tim Adkins, Will Esgro, Tom Gallagher, Chris Lim, Erin Long, Nick Massa, Levi Pelikan, Mikey Quinn, and Jerry Schubert. Special thanks to Nick Massa for hanging onto this gargantuan piece of campus literature for as long as he did.
Silence enveloped the room as all present looked blankly at the computer monitor. It just wasn't possible, something so simple yet so evil. What the ultimate intention of this "thing" was, was unknown, but to all present, it wasn't good.
Jude raised an eyebrow as he attempted in vain to comprehend the meaning
that the sender of an email directed to him was trying to convey. "The
letter contained information that a representative from the Business
Office available outside the benedum room on Wednesday and Thursday
October 8th and 9th between the hours of 7:30 a.m. and 2 p.m."
- the more Jude read the sentence over, the less it made sense to him.
"Figures," he said sarcastically to himself. "I guess the school is cutting back on verbs, too."
Flashback to 1970...
The teacher and classroom were staring at him expectantly. As he felt his cheeks grow hotter, he tried to read the sentence aloud from his reader. "Come on, Christopher, we're waiting." The teacher glanced at her watch. "Um, hickory, dickory dock, the mouse ran up ta- ta- taha- taha..."
"The" someone piped up.
yeah" he muttered, "the clock."
The teacher curled her lips
into a smile and bit her tongue as she tried to hold back her mirth.
Christopher's classmates were, however, considerably less subtle than
her, and broke openly into peals of demeaning laughter. "That guy
gets my vote for 'Most Likely To Be An Administrator'," chuckled
a girl in the front row to her friends, and they giggled.
Christopher stood up furiously. "Laugh now, suckas," he said, his face contorting with anger. "But someday soon, Ah'm gonna have the most bling-bling outta all of you! And I pity the foo that thinks otherwise, you know what Ah'm saying?" He stomped out of the room in his enraged state, leaving the class to cool down on its own.
The teacher sat down and took a deep breath, regaining her composure and scribbling something briefly into Christopher's vocational file.
Job interview of not so long
As was usually the case with poor Chris, silence usually dominated after he either spoke or anything associated with him became apparent.
"Says here you have a terrible fear of clocks. Care to explain that?" Chris shuffled his feet nervously, mind racing, he fought the urge to shove his golden chains down the interviewers throat. "Well listen G, it was a rough childhood, but I'm all done with that foo. Is it not apparent from my stylin' clothes and bling bling that I am overly qualified for this job?!" And besides, I love it here in Western Virginia!"
The interviewer couldn't believe
what she just heard. Dumbfounded she asked, "You do realize
we DO have our own governor and our own state for that matter."
"Oh yeah G, I nearly forgot…"
Chris was awoken from his flashback
by the stiff knock on his door. Panicking he picked up the phone and
started talking into the phone. Pausing he said, "Come in! Hi Jasper!
Hold on I am on an important phone call. So I will try to get back to
you on that issue as soon as possible." and just then quick loud
buzzing sounds were echoing from Chris' phone "Thanks, Bob. Bye"
he rushed out as he slammed down the phone. "So Jerry, how can
I help you?"
"My name is Jude."
"Sure it is. What's on your mind?"
Well, Mr. Bling..."
"Please, call me Chris."
"Okay. Chris, I heard that the school is in trouble. I heard that school is running dangerously low on dilithum crystals. I am extremely worried at the leak of such rumors. These rumors aren't true are they?"
"What are these dilithihugiebobber cristals? Are they like diemonds? I need to get me some of those."
Jude just slowly shook his head at Chris' apparent disregard for the Queen's English. And said, "Chris, they are called dilithium. By the way, crystals are spelled with a Y and diamonds with an A. I guess I shouldn't have worried you with such an insignificant matter."
"Now just relax John. I understand......"
"THE NAME IS JUDE!"
"Eh, same difference. Anyway, as I was saying, I will look into this whole lithimeth crystal lab thing for you."
Jude just stared at him blankly. He could not help but be dismayed that he was forced to be subject to such idiocy. He couldn't believe that Chris Bling fell for his joke about the University needing dilithium crystals. They both shook hands. And as Jude was walking out the door, he wished his legs would take him into warp drive.
Chris pondered many thoughts
like "Why dat foo' wearin a visor and no blingage?" after
Jude had left. The thoughts ripped through his brain damaged skull like
a chainsaw through ice cream. Chris then stumbled into the hallway,
must have been too much thinking for his poor mind to handle and he
had gone into a trance.
After awakening, he found a man that resembled Morpheous from The Matrix. The man then offered him a pill and Chris responded, "I dont want no crystal dilithium unless I have made it in a trailer!"
was not happy. He simply said, "Free your mind. WHAAAAAAA!"
Chris prepared for the ensuing battle by taking off some blingage, but
not enough to make him appear "whack". A battle that
would seem meaningless took place, a rap battle. Chris soundly defeated
him by using classics like "your mamma so fat/stupid" jokes.
The man again was more irritated.
Suddenly, 8 ninjas assembled.
The two realized that nothing they could do could stop the ninjas, especially
when a S.J. showed up. And contrary to popular belief, this means Super
Jesuit! The battle was cut short quite quickly when 5 of the 8 ninjas
failed out and the school cut back on its dorm budget and eliminated
hallways and rooms.
He thought to himself, I haven't
written an email to the student body in a few hours, I'd better come
up with something important. Wandering back into his office he sat down
at his computer and began typing, "Welcome back from fall break-
classes has been resumed today." Satisfied with his work, he promptly
A few hours later...
"Sir, we've been getting reports about slanderous comments on our message board. It seems a group of students have taken to expressing contrary opinions. Something needs to be done to preserve order," the CTS (Computer Technology Services) worker complained.
It was dark.
Jude glanced over his shoulder as he walked away from the MUYARD cafeteria in silence. A cold wind blew over his face and he shivered involuntarily, his eyes casting nervously about the darkened landscape.
A high pitched scream pierced the air. Ninjas, Jude thought to himself, trying to calm himself. Allies of the CTS. They want my blood.
Jude panicked. The scene of the dilythium crystal prank echoed in his mind. He quickened his pace.
"Hold it," called another voice in the darkness, and Jude froze.
battle that followed spread about campus like a plauge, or a poorly
written email with about the same results. Students were completly unaware
of the battle Jude was fighting. The ninjas swarmed around him, taking
shot after shot. Although five of the eight ninjas had indeed failed
out, they still had their Red Breasted Robin Cards and could still get
in through the infamous Back Passage of Doom.
Jude's mind raced, 'What to do!?' But then the answer became very clear
to him, the MUYARD! He ran like a man possesed, and pehaps he was, and
he arrived mostly intacted with the ninjas not too far behind him. Up
the steps he ran and through the doors, but when he went through, he
found something even more horrifying than ninjas...the most terrifying thing
he had ever seen: The Alumni pub crawl! He quickly ran through the masses
and the ninjas were lost to the sea of graduated seniors from years
past. Chris knew what he had to do now, and almost insane with adrenaline
from the ninja incident, he ran back to the dorm to find Jude.
Upon arriving back at his dorm, he found a mob of freshman boys forming. In all of the confusion, he was just able to make out their plans... fed up with poor grammar and the like from the upper levels of the college, they were organizing a panty raid on the freshmen girls dorm! The mob quickly ran out in the direction of the freshmen female dorms and the rest will go down in history as the panty raid of mass anarchy...
in a history book years later: "The fatal mistake of the freshman guys
was their inherent stupidity and lack of speed as well as organization.
The sophomore guys had put the frosh up to this, but when all was said
and done, they would pay dearly as well...
the freshman guys went over, at first it seemed to work great- but then
they began to take too much time so the girls ended up taking hostages
(from the punier guys) and then launched a counter offensive- tighty
whity raid. They swept through the male freshman dorm ravaging rooms
and taking more prisoners and overall committing random acts of terrorism.
The best way to describe the situation is the way the Romans dealt with
the Etruscans. Eventually, the guys realized what happened, and broke
into the cafeteria to steal all of the whip cream. The girls however,
had scouts who informed them of the situation so while in the guys dorm
the swiped all the shaving cream/gel they could find. Both sides met,
rather appropriately, in the center of campus on vast lawn, now to become
the battlefield of the Apocalypse! The battle raged for 5 days, and
in the end, the whole of the lawn-become-battlefield was knee deep in
shaving cream, whip cream, and bodies. The eventuality of the war was
a stalemate with all underwear being returned to rightful owners and
most hostages being returned as per the peace treaty."
Jude was smart enough to realize that their futile attempt to raise
some hell would not get the freshman anywhere. He would know after promoting
last year's clothes strike. What seemed as an ingenious attempt to get
a lot of freshman girls to unwittingly bare it all so that a rise in
awareness of grammatical and spelling errors would occur. Although it
seemed like a foolproof plan, it later went down in the history books
as "Sausage Fest 2002." He looked back on that memory and
shuddered. He seemed to be almost overtaken by the mob of freshman guys
traveling out of the McHugh dorm as he was daydreaming. Jude woke up
from his nightmarish trance and got out of the way of the stampeding
He quickly escaped to his dorm room and sighed ironically, "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking." He pulled out his pack of candy cigarettes. "It's a good thing I don't smoke," he thought. Jude then dropped his book bag on the floor and sat down at his desk. He looked at his plans. He had many plans. Plans that involved getting a girlfriend, getting all A's in classes, world domination, and even the most remote of all, eradicating grammatical and spelling errors from emails from the administration. Jude pulled out his book. One of his most treasured things. He started to write in it. He had a love of writing poetry, but almost always kept it a secret.
Suddenly he heard a loud bang on his door. It sounded as the door was being knocked off its hinges. Jude quickly pulled out his Bowie knife and climbed atop of the top bunk bed. Just as he reached the top the battling ram burst through and soon after the girls broke through the jam. Jude jumped down of the bed with his knife in his mouth yelling like a banshee. At first there was screaming from the girls. Then there was an awkward silence. With all the commotion, Jude forgot a very critical point. He always wrote his sentimental scribbling while he was nude. And then it came. The hurtful, burning laughter from the young women. He quickly grabbed some boxers from the laundry basket and asked them calmly, "Please leave." But the laughter was slow to end. Jude's inner rage boiled. And the girls had pity on Jude and decided to not take his underwear. They slowly got up from the floor and left. All of them following the lead of one girl saying, "Goodbye small fry."
He steamed as he sat down to check his F-mail account. "Great," he shouted, "Another email from Chris Bling. Let's hear what ingenious message he as to say today."
"ATTENTION ON CAMPUS STUDENTS!"
the email read. "WE NEED TO ASSIST WITH MOVING YOUR CARS ON CAMPUS
IN ORDER FOR US TO GET TO THE SNOW. PHYSICAL PLANT IS HERE TO ASSIST
IF NEEDED. PLEASE ASSIST US."
Jude's eyes twitched involuntarily. He glanced out the window - the sun was shining merrily in the eighty-degree weather. He moved his attention back onto his F-Mail account. An attachment, he thought to himself, moving his cursor over the little link at the bottom of the mail - blue, underlined text which seemed to read "DIE, JUDE". He raised an eyebrow and clicked the link. What could be worse than Happy Tree Friends, after all?
Jude could hear the RAM being sucked out of his laptop, and he knew what was coming next - Windows Media Player was booting up. Twenty-eight minutes later, a voice clip began playing. It was Billy Cabra, the head of CTS. The tone of his voice was a little less than pleased.
"You think this is funny, don't you Jude, causing chaos for all of us here?" Billy said. "Well, here's news for you...it isn't. This isn't a joke any more. This is war, Jude. You think we aren't taking this seriously. But we are. We so are. Sausage Fest was...amusing for a while, Jude, but you fail to grasp that there is no hope for you or for your monkey friends. You can make fun of us all you want, Jude, but here's news for you...the ninjas was just the beginning...hey, let go of that mike, Bling, let it...G! YOU'RE DEAD, SUCKA! SO DEAD!" All that followed after that was static.
Jude was confused. The pieces weren't fitting together. Sausage Fest was hardly his idea. Heck, if he wanted to he could wipe out all life on campus...a thin smile began to etch itself into Jude's face. He picked up the phone and called the girls' dorm. "Hello? Is Miaka the Assassin?"
*"Kill Bill"-trailer music plays*
Jude told her what he wanted. Jude could practically see a smile on her face as well. "That's all you want me to do?" she said with a laugh. He visualized her looking at her samurai sword. "Silly rabbit."
Miaka the Assassin got her
gear together and went for a "walk". It had gotten colder,
a mere 76 degrees. She used her super jumping action and scaled
the tower in the center of the campus. She looked down for her
prey...and she couldn't have missed him. Chains dangling, music
blaring, Chris Bling was heading for his pimp mobile. Miaka dropped
from her position and moved with lightning speed. On her was to
the target, a man stepped in her way. He was wearing a black suit
and sun glasses, even though it was late in the evening.
"Miss Miaka, nice to see you." Miaka stood perplexed; who was this man?
"Do I know you?"
"Probably not", the man responded. "My name is Smith, Agent Smith."
"Thats nice, lovely name, it just exudes originality" she quipped. "If you'll excuse me, I have a date to catch up with."
do, but I don't think you're going to be able to make it...."
Before Miaka even knew what was going on, Agent Smith moved toward her
with lightning speed. She attempted to react, but was unable to
block Smiths hit. She went flying back, smashing through the locked
gate at the Back Passage of Doom. Before she was able to recover,
Smith was on top of her and promptly put her out of her misery.
Chris was oblivious to what
had just happened, being mostly deaf from his poor music listening habits,
he continued to his Pimp Mobile and then proceeded to drive home.
He began to think, as he pulled put of the parking lot, what that man
in the suit and sunglasses had wanted. His request for a list
with all ninjas on campus on it had been confusing to say the least.
He would have thought about it more, but just then, Christopher Walken
appeared in front of his car. "Hello," he said, "I'm
Christopher Walken..." Walken had probably intended to say
more, but Chris had run him over, and he was imbedded firmly in the
Pimp Mobiles radiator.
USN, approached the campus carefully with his SEAL team. He switched
off the safety on his Hechler and Koch MP5-N submachine gun. He wobbled
cautiously up the darkened path. Good thing Chris Bling forgot the
electricity bill he thought to himself in his head, covered by a
PASGT Kevlar helmet. This was the first good thing that had happened
to him and his team on this mission. To start things off, the USS
Jimmy Carter had become grounded in Wheeling Creek before their
mission began. Apparently, regardless of what the Master thought, you
couldn't sail a 9,000 ton nuclear submarine in six inches of water.
Cmdr. Torgo was aware of these difficulties, but The Master had promised
him a wife of his own if he succeeded in assassinating Chris Bling.
He and his team set up a triangulation of fire at the back gate, knowing
Chris Bling would use it to escape in his recent model H2. Good thing
they opened the back gate...if it was closed, we would have never gotten
on campus. Just then, they heard the bushes nearby rustle. Commander
Torgo spun around and fired three FMJ 9mm rounds from his MP5-N at the
noise. It was too late however. The last thing he saw before the hand
hit his overly large knees was that terrible snout...
At first he thought it was
Trumpy, but no, it couldn't be him. "I killed him just the other
month. The Master gave me a new peg leg after I killed him. It was nice
of him to replace my peg leg after he burnt my other one to the ground."
Still, the long snout continued to obstruct his view. He took his eye
off the scope to get a better view. He hadn't seen that snout in a long,
long time. And it was about to come back and haunt him.
It was Snuffy and his friend Big Bird. Torgo yelled out a blood curdling scream. His Team's cover was blown. Snuffy shouted, "Please Torgo, don't shoot Mr. Bling!"
"Yeah, we like him," chirped Big Bird.
And just then Agent Smith quickly escorted Snuffy and Big Bird out the Back Passage of Doom. And as soon as the two lovable kids' icons were out of sight, Agent Smith destroyed Torgo and his team. And with a big smirk, he said, "Torgo loses!"
Meanwhile Jude was in a bit of a conundrum himself. He wondered if anything could be done to destroy the administration. Jude had an idea that might be one of his single most superb ideas ever. He got on the F-mail account and emailed the one person who could end this horrific process of bad emails and incompetent administrators.
He called upon the one man who could save the university. "Agent Smith will never stand up to Dr. X! HAHAHAHA! The day is MINE!"
Dr X had responded with great
speed to Judes Fmail request telepathically and said that he would teleport
to campus as soon as he could, just as soon as he finished saving the
Earth from destruction by aliens and proving God's existence by paying
him a visit and asking for the picture from last weeks barbeque.
Chris had stopped the car. Christopher Walkens legs were hanging precariously from the front of the Pimp Mobile. Agent Smith approached in the dark with a confused look on his face. "Is that who I think it is?"
Chris said “Yeah, I think its Britney Spears."
Agent Smith shook his head and pulled the car from around Walken. Walken got up, brushed himself off and said "Mr. Bling, I'm afraid you've reached into the wrong mans fridge."
This time, there was mutual confusion between Smith and Chris. While they pondered what Walken could have possibly meant by that comment, Sean Connery stumbled out of the darkness and tried to hit Chris up for something to drink. Chris didn't respond to Connery's request, but Connery wasn't all that concerned. He noticed how Smith was dressed and it sent him into a rage.
"TREBEK!! One day it'll be my turn!" AS Connery proceeded
to pummel Smith mercilessly, much to Smith's horror, Chris began to realize
the severity of the situation. Walken had begun to strangle him. Smith
screamed to Chris, "...use the (smack) ring! You (smack) must use
(smack) it!" Chris reached for his neck, and on one of the many
chains around his neck, there was a ring and as soon as he put it on,
he disappeared. At this point there was only one man who could catch
Chris and retrieve the 'One Bling Bling Ring' and he was repelling aliens
and knocking on God's door...
Instead of making his bed like he normally did first thing in the morning, he took two strides over to his DVD rack and threw away every MST3K episode he had in his possession. He rubbed his temples and sighed - his nights were sure disturbed by a whole load of stupid dreams lately. Just in case, he deleted every email from his F-mail account.
But Jude jumped when he heard a polite rapping on the door to his room. He could think of who it could possibly be at seven in the morning, when the rest of campus was asleep in the midst of horrible hangovers. The rapping persisted; Jude knew that it couldn't have been a dream.
Jude stepped cautiously over to the door, holding his Bowie knife behind his back just in case. He unlatched the wooden door that was badly in need of repair and gasped. A long gray coat, a pair of glasses, and a familiar hat levitated over what might be an unseen body. As the invisible figure removed his hat, his body materialized into a shape that was all too familiar.
"It cannot be..." Jude said to himself in a barely audible whisper.
"It was not all a dream," Dr. X said with a small smile. "I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide."
Jude sat there, jaw hanging drool spilling onto the floor. At this point Dr. X interrupted Jude’s admiration "Uhm, are you going to put some pants on cause this is rather uncomfortable."
It was a slow walk to breakfast that morning as Jude tried to update Dr. X on all the changes that had happened at the WJU campus. "Well this is dreadful news indeed, I think though that it will not be the problem that it seems to be."
Jude stopped, "Hey Dr. X do you think you can speak without sounding like a pompous asshat?"
To which Dr. X responded, "No, sadly the fact is that I must retain this mode of speaking."
"Shiza," exclaimed Jude.
Dr. X then said "Well, the only thing we are going to need to destroy the evil is a few wonderful eggs prepared by Darlene the breakfast lady."
Darlene the breakfast lady was in a particularly jolly mood as Jude
and Dr. X entered the C-Room. As she put her omelet making skills to
work she began to telepathically speak to Dr. X.
Darlene- Is this the boy?
Dr. X- Yes, he is the chosen one.
Darlene- Good because I don't know how much longer I can go on with this act. People in the kitchen have started to suspect that I'm not really a chef.
Dr. X- Do they know who you really are?
Darlene- No, they have no idea that I'm Yellow Lightning- the sidekick of the infamous Dr. X!
Dr. X- Fabulous. Now on to the plan....We're going with Zelda Plan 669 where the boy crosses over to invade our evil foe's laboratory in the towers of Swint Hall. We're going to need a gallon of kerosene, 3 live chickens, a weedwacker, 8 eunuchs- get them from 3rd McHugh, they're all "loose" anyway, 14 jars of honey, a 45 caliber, a 9 iron, 2 apple pies, and I'm wearing woman's underwear.
Darlene- Okay...that’s a gallon of kerosene, the chickens- wait- you're wearing what?
Dr. X- Just seeing if you're listening.
To Jude, this was nothing more
than a staring contest. He pursed his lips impatiently, but he trusted
in Dr. X's judgment. After a lengthy silence, Dr. X ordered an omelets,
and Darlene made it. "There is nothing I enjoy more than an omelets
in the morning." Jude raised an eyebrow and poured himself a glass
of apple juice. He put the glass aside when he decided that the apple
juice tasted more like beef stroganoff than anything else.
"So how have things been since my little departure?" Dr. X said as he cut apart his omelets.
"Not so good," Jude said, taking a glass of water instead. He pushed it aside when he saw that there was a human eyeball floating in it. "Your detractors still aren't quite willing to back down. Most recently, I think they referred to you as a 'pompous asshat'. I'm not really sure what he meant by that. He seemed a little confused."
"Ah well, not all examine the world in the same way that we do," Dr. X said philosophically, taking a bite of his omelet. "There is something I must tell you Jude."
"What?" Jude said. His heart skipped with anticipation.
"Yes." Dr. X wiped his mouth on a napkin. "You, Jude, are the chosen one. You are to lead an army against the evil Powers That Be. I know that you have been having strange dreams lately - disturbing ones, almost completely incoherent - yet, I have had these dreams as well these past few nights. I flew - literally - down here as fast I could when I realized of this connection. A great evil is rising. You must help the side of good."
"What must I do?" Jude asked eagerly.
"You must use your special powers to infiltrate that which is colloquially known as '3rd McHugh' - a place of complete evil. The story that you have been told is that they have 'sealed' off that hall because no one is living there. The fact is, someone does live there." Dr. X paused and searched about the air with his laser sight. "We are not alone."
"Dr. X," a cold, hard voice said. A black-suited gentleman emerged from the Executive Dining Room. "There is no where to run now."
Agent Smith smiled - his day
had finally come. Sean Connery’s would have to wait, as he had
passed out half way through the beating he had been giving Smith.
Where Christopher Walken was, who knew, he had wondered off saying something
about the tooth fairy.
Dr X was annoyed; another breakfast
ruined. The last was ruined when he had to go save the
earth from aliens resurrecting the recent dead using long range electrode
beams. No matter, he knew that the beating he would give this
new guy would more than make up for it. Smith moved quickly toward
Dr. X, but to no avail, Dr. X vanished before Smiths eyes and unbeknownst
to him, reappeared behind him. As Smith's fist hit nothing but
air, he heard ‘Peek-a-boo’ and then felt two hands shove him hard
into the floor. The impact broke Smiths new glasses which had
been given to him by Chris Bling. While Smith wasn't fond of
purple with sparkles, Chris had assured him, "It'll make you look
good foo!" Jude, in the mean time, had moved back over to the
drink machines. What ever was going on, he knew Dr X would handle
it. So he decided to pass the time by seeing what other mystery
items he could get out of the drink machines.
Dr. X waited, levitating a few inches off the floor, for Smiths next move. Smith came at Dr. X hard and landed a few blows, but it was like punching a 2 foot thick steel plate. Dr. X laughed at Smith for a while as Smith held his shattered hand. But then Dr. X’s face became deadly serious, he stared, directly at Smith's head. Smith had no idea what this guy was up to but just as he finished this thought, he was gripped with an unbelievable pain. Then his brain exploded… Smith hit the floor like a dress on prom night and never got up. Dr X turned around but as he did, he realized what Jude was doing. NOO!!! Not the Chocolate Milk!!!!!!” But it was too late; Jude depressed the dispenser and down plopped into his glass on of the most terrifying thing the two had ever seen…
Chocolate milk...the effect on Dr. X was like that of kryptonite on Superman. "Nooooo!" Out of nowhere, Darlene aka, "Yellow Lightning" came flying towards Dr. X and shoved him out of the way before the lactic evil could touch him.
Jude stood in shocked silence
as he stared at Dr. X. Chocolate milk was splattered all over the great
philosopher's normally immaculate jacket. Dr. X looked up at Jude with
an expression of great seriousness in his eyes. "I cannot stay
here much longer," Dr. X said to Jude. "They will know my
secret." He coughed and picked up his hat off the floor, dusting
it off. "Bad grammar and poor writing stalks this campus like a
plague. But you can still stop it, Jude, you can still stop it. As moronic
as certain people are, there is still hope." His glances shifted
between Jude and Darlene. "I may as well tell you now, Jude - you
are a Ninja yourself."
"A Ninja?" Jude said in disbelief. "But did Cabra not send ninjas after me?"
Dr. X shook his head. "Those are not real ninjas. Those are impostors; posers, defilers of an ancient art. They do not possess knowledge of Frisbee Seppuku or of Ninja Swords, nor do they, so to speak, 'flip out' and kill everybody. Above all, Jude, you are the only human being who can engage in the art of Cheat Codes."
"I thought the Age of Cheat Codes had long passed," Yellow Lightning said, burning the corpse of Agent Smith with a bolt of electricity.
"The Acker Era does indeed seem like distant history," Dr. X said. He placed his hat on his head and turned invisible once more. "Yellow Lightning, it is up to you to train Jude in the Sacred Ways. Summon the old crowd - Prince Coxar, Father Stark...any allies you can find. I must go."
And Dr. X teleported away.
And so it was, a fellowship
was to be created to capture and destroy the 'One Bling Bling Ring'
and prevent the evil power from taking control of campus. Everyone came
from far and wide to Fr. Stark's house in Jesuitdell. Prince Coxar from
Serbador, Yellow Lightning, Mentok the Mindtaker, Christopher Walken,
Sean Connery and Captain Murphy from Sea Lab. There were others who
sought the wisdom of the assembles council and who also came to hear
the fate of the Ring and the current Ring bearer, Chris Bling... The
fate of the world depended on one man, a man who couldn't spell his
Before the fabled council, Jude decided to go to Kroger's. He had just purchased his totally awesome ninja suit, and he felt much pride in his newfound ninja knowledge. His ninja sense told him that he had a terribly important role to play in the upcoming saga...
Just then, in a nearby isle, a poor old woman dropped an orange. Jude's super ninja-sense heard this, and all of a sudden he felt a deep, burning rage envelop him. It burned through his entire being like, well, some kind of fire. He realized the enormity of what was happening...
HE WAS TOTALLY FLIPPING OUT.
A few minutes later, rivers of blood flowed from the smoking ruins of
Kroger's. They made Wheeling Creek run red for three days. Jude, his
blood lust satisfied, felt a sudden craving for tea and crumpets as
he journeyed back to Fr. Stark's estate.
Jude rapped loudly on the main
door of Jesuitdell three times, waiting patiently outside in the evening
cold for someone to answer. "Who knocks?" came a deep, smoke-choked
voice from within the compounds of the magnificent building.
"It is I," said Jude. "Jude, the Master of Cheat Codes."
There was a pause, and then..."Enter."
Jude's glance shifted down onto the metal doorknob, which seemed to twist and unlatch of its own free will. Jude picked up his bags of groceries and stepped into the building, the doors closing mysteriously behind him, shutting out the sounds of the outside world.
Someone lit a candle from within, and the shadows in the darkness came into sight. On the far left was Prince Coxar. He sipped from his cup of coffee and grimaced slightly, proceeding to apply some heat of his own by blasting the mug with flames from his hands. Yellow Lightning was seated next to him, and next to her was Father Stark, who appeared to have a pair of metal spheres floating around his head and a cigarette in his mouth. Finally, sitting on the far right were Dr. Hammond the Holy and Drubora the Destroyer, each with secret powers of their own. Jude felt slightly unnerved as he pulled up a chair across from where Father Stark stood.
"Do you have the supplies?" Yellow Lightning said concernedly.
"Yeah, I do," Jude said, allowing the contents of his plastic bags to spill onto the table. "Pop tarts and Kroger's brand cookies."
"Kroger's brand cookies. Fantastic," Father Stark said, taking a puff on his cigarette. "Welcome, Jude."
"Hi, history scholar!" Prince Coxar said cheerily. "Turkish coffee?"
"No, thank you," Jude said.
"Well, what did you expect from Prince Coxar? Beer?" said Dr. Hammond the Holy, making wild hand gestures in the air.
"I do have this great story from when I was in graduate school in Germany, you know, about beer and all, if anyone wants to hear it..." Prince Coxar began.
"It's going to be a long night," said Father Stark. "I suggest you get comfortable before tomorrow comes, Jude. We have much work to do."
Prince Coxar began to speak,
when out of the corner of the room came a soft, warm voice. It was Michael
Jackson. He had a euphoric look on his face. He was very happy to see
the young, well-built Jude.
"You seek my knowledge?" Michael whispered.
"I suppose." Jude hesitantly responded.
Jude wasn't sure of the King of Pop's intentions, due to stories he was told from yesteryears.
"Follow me to my Castle." Michael said with a mischievous grin.
With this, the entire group realized that Michael was sent by the CTS to take from Jude far worse than his life.
"ENOUGH!!!!" Father Stark bellowed as he snapped his fingers.
And with the King of Pop disappeared...
Stark brought everyone to order
and started the meeting.” My friends, can your hearts stand the terror?
We can keep this a secret no longer. The 'One Bling Bling Ring' has
been located and it is in the hand of the enemy..." Stark was cut
off by the murmuring of the crowd. The Bling Ring had been missing for
sometime and had been thought to have been lost. The fact that the enemy
now had in its control one of the most powerful objects known to man
and mutant kind frightened many.
"But we need no fear much, for we have the chosen one among us." Stark gestured toward Jude. "You all have been assembled here to discuss the fate of the world. Each of you possesses a power unique to yourselves that will aid us in the capture and destruction of the Ring. We have also asked many people whom you may not have realized have powers themselves. Mr. Connery, you have the power to beat the living crap out of anything and spout off witty phrases, Mentok, you can take peoples minds and make them do as you will, Coxar, you can control fire and repeat 'Golly Gee!' over and over again until the enemy surrenders. Everyone here has a part to play, and if played well, we stand to win at least one Pulitzer for this story."
It was at this time that Connery suggested that they break for drinks as all the sitting and listening had made him endlessly thirsty. As the others left, Stark took Jude aside and said "I must show you something." Jude felt faint then everything became clear, but now, instead of the dimly lit gathering room, they were in a white room, with two bright orange chairs and a 1964 Zenith Black and White TV on a crate in front of them.
Stark said, "Sorry about the chair, they were on sale. As you can see we didn't have much money to spend, budget cuts you know."
"The world you know if a farce," Stark
began. "Everyone is being used, Jude, used for the greater good
of the 'Machine'. You'll probably want to sit for this," Stark told
Jude and he began his tale...
"A long, long time ago, back
when the radio was the 'in' thing, and the government refused
to release the television set, due to fear of over-stimulation. There
was a thing...its name was Trumpy...and it could do magic. Not just
ordinary magic - it had mastered the ancient art of cheat codes. Because
he could not trust anyone else to do the work he had, he created machines
to do the work. Each machine had a special chip. Over time, the machines
lost their value and were no longer able to do the large amounts of
work needed. Trumpy had to move on to bigger and better things. The
chips were still active and they contained a piece of his magic within
them. Trumpy made sure to destroy the chips as he destroyed the machines...but
something happened. Someone must have found out about the chips within
the machines, and the magic abilities they were capable of performing.
The last machine that Trupmy destroyed was missing the vital chip...and
it has been missing since that time...until now. The chip was placed
within the dilithium crystal on the one bling bling ring. It alone has
the power to destroy the machine that now controls this world. The only
chance we have of regaining the ring is to locate Trumpy. He alone knows
how to destroy the chip fused within the dilithium crystal.
"We are not sure where Trumpy is right now. All I know is that there is a disturbance in the force and it seems to be centered at WKU..."
"Jackelopes?!?" Jude shouted, startled.
"That's right. Those cute tourist souvenirs from out west are a lot more than they seem." Fr. Stark said flatly.
"So, you're telling me these combination rabbit-slash-whatevers are real, and that they are going to destroy the world if the 'One Bling Ring' or whatever it is is placed in the Magic Receptacle of Doom(TM) then a flood of jackalopes will destroy the world? How?"
"Ever seen Monty Python
and the Quest for the Holy Grail, kid?" Fr. Stark asked intently.
"Yeah, it was required viewing...some maniacs from 4th Campion made us all watch it and recite the phrase 'There is no way out of here...it'll be dark soon...' for several hours." Jude shuddered, reminiscing his first night at college. Things had been very rough on 4th C ever since the Revolutionary Government had taken power there. "Yeah, I know the rabbit scene...so it's like that, but worse?" Jude continued.
"Worse than Liberace's wardrobe. As you can plainly see, we've gotta stop this. Now, the exact method is a bit tricky. First, we have to gather allies," said Father Stark. He took another inhale of his cigarette. "As you can see, our list of friends has grown short of late. Many are too afraid to say anything - scared into submission by CTS. Others have disappeared without a trace, while others have been forced into hiding."
"Sounds like the PAP," Jude mused sullenly.
"Absolutely," Drubora the Destroyer said animatedly. "Now, in the international community, Singapore refers to itself as a 'unitary democracy'. That is, of course, a far inferior system of government to India's which is currently a..."
"That will be all, Mr. Drubora," said Father Stark, raising his hand to stem his lengthy explanation. "As I said, we need allies." The old Jesuit pulled out an ancient map that pointed to a cheese-wedged shaped building near the entrance of Swint, the Tower of Darkness. "This is the headquarters of Soldiers For Life, an underground organization currently locked in combat with the (leftist) Order of Justice." Father Stark handed the map to Jude and lit himself another cigarette. "This war is petty. We would do well to have the Soldiers For Life on our side. I believe their leader is a charismatic woman who was a close friend of Dr. X." Father Stark motioned towards Prince Coxar. "Take Jude with you to the cheese-wedge. We must get the assistance of the Soldiers For Life."
But as Jude and the others conversed in the relative safety of Jesuitdell, another conference was going on at the CTS Headquarters, high up in Room 302 of Cabra Tower. A badly-costumed character with a long snout and a hairy body sat before Billy Cabra, Chris Bling, Mentok the Mind-Taker, and the Master - the League of Evil. "You have the One Bling Ring," said the creature in an oddly high pitched voice.
"That's right, G," Chris Bling said, rubbing his ornate piece of jewelry in a tempting manner. "If you want this thing, you got to help, yo. It's that simple, you know what I'm sayin'?"
"Why?" asked Trumpy with a mixture of curiosity and suspicion.
"Because Mentok wills it so!" added Mentok the Mind-Taker inanely. Chris Bling ignored him.
As Jude and Coxar made their
way to the Cheese Wedge, a horrible darkness fell on them. They approached
the chapel with caution, but before they could get much past the Tape
Worm sculpture, they were surrounded by 6 people, of whom they could
barely make out an outline. "What is it that you want here!?" they
"We’ve come to see Catherine the Great. We are friends of the Soldiers for Life."
"We shall see. Come with us." Jude and Coxar were lead down a path to what appeared to be a flat wall. They were pushed up against it. "Turn around!" the guard shouted. Jude and Coxar were facing their guards with their backs to the wall. The guards now had weapons and were pointing them at the two. In the dark Jude trembled in front of his captors. Could this really be it? he though to himself, but before he could answer it, the ground below him gave way. He hit the bottom of the hole hard and just as quickly as it had opened, it closed leaving him in the dark. So far as he could tell, Coxar was not with him. Using his super Ninja hearing, he followed what he thought were voices. Soon he came to a door and he opened it. There before him was a large open room, with many chairs and tables in it. Sitting on the far side of the room was a woman. Jude approached her and right assumed this was Catherine the Great. "Your friend will join us shortly; he is busy at the moment."
"What was that all about?"
“It was a test - only the one could find his way through the death maze may see me. This is Mr. Cinnamon J Scudworth, he built it." Jude looked at the tall thin man standing in the corner, who was grinning like an idiot. "You’ll have to forgive Scudworth, he’s insane."
Just as Jude was about to ask why, a sudden bright light appeared. Catherine
jumped to her feet and grabbed her rifle. A loud voice shouted, "Put
that down! You should know better than to threaten me! I am Dr. Alan
Hole, or Dr A Hole if you prefer, I am here to take you to the council
of Light. Come with me." Just then, Jude and Catherine were hurtled
through darkness and then found themselves standing in an ornately decorated
room while before them sat three men, dressed in elegant robes. "We
are the Council of Light and we are here to aid you with your quest."
“Where are we?” Catherine asked.
“You are in Rome, the Eternal City, this is where our headquarters are. I am called Dr. Fujiyama and to my right is the Admiral. You already know Dr A Hole.”
Dr A Hole stood and spoke, "We know of what you seek and we know where it is kept, but there is a dark power there, and you must know of the dangers you will face. We will help you as best we can, but we can do no more, our power can not extend beyond Rome. We are bound here, we guard the others."
“The others? What others?” Jude asked.
Catherine looked at Jude. "The other Rings. There were 15 all together, and the One Ring is the master of them all, and anyone who has them can become slaves of the Dark One.”
Now the Admiral spoke, "That is correct, and that is why we keep them, we alone possess a power strong enough to keep the will of the other rings at bay. We will teach you, but we mustn’t waste anymore time, come, we go!"
They led Jude and Catherine
to a dark fortress under the earth. The ancient Catacombs of Rome where
the bravest and most courageous of souls were once buried. "There
are spies everywhere," said the Admiral, "but under here,
as in ancient times, it is difficult- almost impossible- for any enemy
to find us. It is here where the rings are kept- locked away in a safe
that only the elect know about." "How are we to get the master
ring though?" Jude asked. "Through cunnning, wit, and the
help of a special weapon which is the Petuli Beam."
Jude went up to the alter where the weapon was placed. He looked off into the darkness and saw a door that was outlined with light. Jude took the weapon...knowing that he can defeat the Legion of Doom, however he didn't know where to start. Through curiosity he went through the door. As soon as he stepped he saw a person sitting on a bench in this park that seemed to be inside a city.
The person spoke gently saying, "I was expecting you Jude."
Jude asked "Who are you?!" with a loud tone.
"I am Prophet Jennifer. I have been watching you during your journey. I know you need guidance," said the prophet.
Jude said "OK, what should I do, oh Prophet Jennifer? Where should I go?"
"You must go to the Blue Sunset Mountains of middle Virginia, there you will meet a man named Shivo," the prophet mentioned, "and from there..."
"Hold it," said Jude,
holding up his hand to stem the Prophet's speech. "How am I supposed
to be sure that you are a real prophet?"
Prophet Jennifer's white eyes seemed to stare at Jude even more fiercely as they contrasted with her dark face. "I met with the Pope, and I have my own online shopping network, so don't tell me that I'm not a prophet. Now, where was I? Yes, the Petuli Beam. You need to go to the Blue Sunset Mou..."
"That doesn't sound very convincing to me," Jude said flatly.
Prophet Jennifer raised a wary eyebrow in Jude's direction. "You still doubt the Prophet, don't you? Even though I've just told you I met the Pope? Don't tell me that that is not convincing enough. You are being very difficult."
"Am I?" said Jude, his eyes blazing with anger.
"Careful there, scholar," Prince Coxar said, his hand hovering over the hilt of his sword. "We don't want to cause any unnecessary trouble...like what happened in Galipoli."
"I find your manner impertinent," the Prophet said dangerously.
Jude stepped away from Prophet Jennifer as she advanced slowly towards him. "Catherine?" he called. "Catherine?" he called again, this time in a louder voice. He bolted towards the door and attempted to open it, but it would not. Reading the mirrored letters on the narrow glass panel of the door, Jude barely made out what the room really was: The Room of Cultural Diffusion. "A trap!" Jude said loudly. "They're onto us!"
"Shiza," said Prince Coxar, drawing his sword. "Holy cow! Look out!" Prophet Jennifer had transformed herself into four satyrs, each identical copies of each other. "It's like something out of Pamuk's novel!"
"Worse," Jude said quietly. "Bring it, Cabra!" The satyrs charged forward; both Jude and Prince Coxar leapt out of the way, Jude drawing his Ninja Sword as he landed nimbly on the ground. Prince Coxar pointed at the nearest rushing rushing satyr with his palm and blasted a stream of fire at it, impaling a second with his Turkish scimitar. By this point, Jude had 'completely flipped out' and cut of the head of a third. The fourth, however, raised its axe and slammed it onto the back of Jude's head.
"Jiminy Cricket!" Prince Coxar shouted. "Jude! Are you all right?" Both the satyr and Prince Coxar then recoiled in surprise as Jude sprang up from his fallen position, completely healed.
"Cheat Codes," Jude said. "I now know what Dr. X was talking about." And he beheaded the last satyr.
After the defeat of the satyrs, the group gathered together. "This underground route seems dangerous. We have to find an alternate route," Jude said.
"Well, we need to travel across the Atlantic. We had to use most
of our MP to teleport here and defeat the satyrs, so we can't pop there
like we usually do. It doesn't take Criswell to predict that we need
ocean-going transport. I think I can arrange that sort of thing with
relative ease," the Admiral commented.
Twelve hours later, they were flying over Baiae in a Soviet-made transport helicopter. In this ancient port, what was left of the Glorious Fleet for the Defense of the Motherland of Revolution had assembled. The Admiral was pacing back and forth furiously. He had his adjutant call the command ship on the radio. Russian curses began to fly.
Prince Coxar translated. "Wow, apparently they've been refused docking permission. The bay is closed to all activity by order of the Prime Minister."
"BERLUSCONI!" Jude recoiled in surprise. He had heard on the news about the Italian PM's increasingly odd behavior on news broadcasts. "What can he be doing?"
"Let's take a look- there's the bay down there..." said Fr. Stark. They all peered out and saw every merchant ship in Italy docked side-by-side across the bay, and a bridge was built atop them all.
Jude wondered, what the devil could be going on?
"Sr. Berlusconi! The Parliament is angry that you appointed a horse to their ranks, and they're livid over this, er, program of yours. What should I tell them sir?"
Berlusconi glared at his aide. He was attired with a gold breastplate
said to have been Alexander the Great's, and he stood atop a fanciful
chariot. He had been riding across this "bridge" across this
giant bay for over three days.
"Tell them to address me as Zeus, for it is his power which most closely approaches mine! And also let them know that if they fall in league with my great nemesis, Poseidon, I'll find them out and kill them all myself!" Berlusconi shouted. Just then, a buzzing noise emanated from his chariot. He picked up a skull-shaped device and looked at it.
"Curses! I have a meeting to attend. Watch after my Bridge for me- if I come back and find a single ship missing, I'll have your throat cut!"
Just then, a skull-shaped structure emerged from the water, and Berlusconi went aboard.
"Whatever shall we do?" asked Jude.
"Be silent for a second,"
Catherine the Great said, tilting her head forward so that they could
Berlusconi made an awkward salute as several more characters entered the scene. "Sup, Burly," Chris Bling said, removing his lime-green jacket to reveal a faux-Jesuit outfit underneath it. "Looks like you got the blingage all in order, G." Billy Cabra and the Master followed closely behind him.
"I trust you will follow through with our agreement?" said Sr. Berlusconi greasily.
"Yes, yes," said Billy Cabra. "Fifty-one percent of the European Union, all under your control. CTS always follows through with its promises." Cabra glanced around shiftily and wondered if anyone else was listening.
"I hope so," Berlusconi said loftily. "Because my associate Fat Tony here doesn't take betrayal as lightly as I do." A large gentleman behind Berlusconi gave a slight nod of affirmation. "Well gentlemen, shall we proceed to my agora? A buffet is being provided for the League of Evil."
"Yeah, we may as well eat too, you know what I'm saying, G?" Chris Bling said, and they followed Mr. Berlusconi.
"This is horrible," said Drubora the Destroyer. "They have Berlusconi on their side. What are we going to do?"
"Our list of allies grows ever shorter," Father Stark said grimly, lighting himself another cigarette.
"There is no secret weapon, is there?" Prince Coxar asked hopefully.
"No," Catherine the Great said, shaking her head sadly. "Prophet Jennifer was a trap laid by Cabra himself. Everything she said was a lie."
"I don't think that is our only problem any longer," Dr. Hammond the Holy said, pointing onto the horizon. A fleet of ships was headed in their direction, poised to strike the Motherland's navy and leave it at the bottom of the sea - with Jude and the Council of Light with it.
"We're doomed," said Father Stark in a monotone. He unconsciously lit himself another cigarette, even though there was already one in his mouth.
Just when it all seemed like
it was over, salvation came. The Motherlands fleet wasn't with out its
submarines and Dr. A Hole had an idea. "Admiral, you wouldn't happen
to have the keys to that little thing over there would you?" The
good Dr was pointing to a not so little submarine, a Typhoon to be exact,
that was floating near by.
"Well yes, but..." The Admiral trailed off. He got Dr. A Hole's point and then said, "I shall return!" He teleported off to the bridge of the sub were he then fired a spread of torpedoes which sank some vessels at the entrance of the bay, temporarily preventing the on-coming ships from entering. "Come on! Get in the boat!" Everyone made for the boat and most of them went inside but Catherine stopped.
"Why are you stopping?!" Dr. Fujiyama yelled.
"Besides, aren't these things heavily contaminated with radioactive chemicals?" Catherine replied.
"Well sure they are, they are Russian...," the doctor explained, "but you've been eating in the Muyard haven't you? The food there is like eating lead, we all have immunity from the radioactivity! Now come on, get in the boat!"
It occurred to Catherine that he was right and she jumped down into the bowels of the submarine. The Fleet of Doom was nearing; they had found a way through the sunken ships and were making for the Typhoon. The Typhoon began to move forward. As they took turns looking through the scope of the ship, they realized they had nowhere to go.
"We can’t make it past them, there is no way we will survive!" Jude exclaimed.
The Admiral laughed, “You don’t seriously think the Council of Light is with out its ocean going friends do you? I called in a little favor while you people were running over to the boat. We’re just keeping their eyes forward so our friends can come in from behind."
Jude was about to ask what friends but then the sub vibrated slightly from an explosion somewhere else in the water. Jude took a look through the periscope and saw two of the enemy ships on fire and sinking quickly with the others now trying to turn this way and that.
"What was that?!" Jude asked.
This time Dr. A Hole answered. "That, my friend, was 8 15-inch shells traveling mach 2 hitting their target. Ever hear of the Bismarck? Well, we just happen to have one of our own. That’s what that explosion was."
The group was shaken but saved. Most gave a sigh of relief when they knew the danger had passed. Fr. Stark had breathed 18 cigarettes worth of relief. As he put the 4 cigarettes out that were in his mouth he said, "We are safe for now, but we must continue, the Ring is on the move and if we wait too long, we will loose it."
Above, the Fleet of Doom was ravaged by supersonic missiles from the Motherland's mighty fleet and 2,000-pound shells from the Bismarck's guns. This confused Jude. He remembered pictures of the Motherland's military forces washed up on beaches, with three-eyed seals playing nearby.
"How did you get all this to work properly?" he enquired.
"I can do magic." responded the Admiral.
The giant sub slipped under Berlusconi's bridge and made its way out to the ocean. Onboard, the new occupants found the vessel to be very comfortable...they were all served a fine selection of meats and delectables that tempted the palate.
"So, when we get to Virginia and meet Shiva, what do we do?" Catherine asked Jude.
"That's a very good question" Jude replied.
Drubora the destroyer spoke up. "First we need to find out if this Shiva is even trustworthy. He may be another trap that Jennifer the prophet was trying to lead us to."
"Once we get there, I'll use my mind reading powers
to assess the condition of his soul and see if we can trust him,"
said Fr. Stark. "Hammond the Holy- use your power of biblical speech
to subdue him if he gets out of hand. The rest of you- be on the watch
for any suspicious activity. We don't know who is secretly working for
the legion of doom."
Meanwhile in a Turkish Prison...
Dr. X was held captive for killing Trumpy...AGAIN. The difference this time was that Dr. X left no room for him to resurrect again. He wiped out his being, his essence, in other words. Trumpy was dead as a doornail. In fact, Dr. X even wiped the word Trumpy off the face of the earth never to be heard again. The pragmatic, philosophic protector of good grew weary of his insolent captors and finally willed himself to be free. And so it was. He thought as he came out of the prison, "I must go check on Jude."
Back in the States in a local YMCA lockerroom...
Jude thought to himself, "My life is a mess. I have to fight Chris Bling for the one Bling Bling Ring, I have to restore order at school, get straight A's.....and good God Man why don't you put on some clothes," his demeanor switched from woeful to just plain weirded out by the people there. "If I had a nickel for everytime I saw a grown man naked." He got dressed after sweating out a hardcore game of chess.
As he walked out of the YMCA, Jude could only think about the question that has been plaguing his mind for a while, "Where the hell is this story going?"
Meanwhile, at an airport...
Steve McCrosky walked over to the window. There was a very special plane coming in, it held the future of the world on it. The weather had taken a turn for the worse and conditions were worsening. The plan would have to land soon as some of the passengers and crew had contracted food poisoning, and the rest were rioting because there wasn’t any coffee on board.
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines," he said as he titled the pill bottle back. As his vision split and sea otters in pink tutus began to dance around him, he gave his one last conscious thought to those poor souls 36,000ft up in that plane. Then he fell out of the window…
On the plane, the remaining members who had not taken the first flight home from England after the sub had docked there were on this flight. Little did they know, the food poisoning, the coffee shortage and the in-flight movie (airplane crash tests from the late 70's) had been planted there by the insidious PTA in conjunction with the Legion of Doom. As the plane came in for final approach, the Roman Catholic Church’s congregation grew by 12 people…
Meanwhile, in another story…
Captain Murphy stared from his seat in the Murph-Mobile at the sea life drifting by his window. 'Pretty birds…' he thought. The fact he was 1500 ft below the oceans surface never struck him. Little did he know, soon, the fate of the One would be intertwined with his (Bum bum bummmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
Billy Cabra grinned awkwardly
as Father Hacala glanced up from the thick stack of papers that the
head of CTS had given him. The Jesuit frowned and tossed the papers
aside irately, removing his glasses and regarding Cabra indignantly.
"And this is why you want me to increase the budget for
CTS this semester?!" Father Hacala said, pointing to the papers
that were strewn across the office floor. "Trumpy? The King of
Pop? Father Stark with special powers? Airplane parodies? BERLUSCONI?!
For God's sake, Cabra, what on earth were you smoking when you dreamed
half of this gibberish up?!"
Billy Cabra crossed and uncrossed his legs nervously, his focus of attention shifting between Father Hacala's angry eyes and a mug on his desk that read "I'm With The Council of Trent". "Well, the truth is, Father Hacala, sir..." Cabra stuttered nervously. "The truth is..."
"Yes, what?" Father Hacala snapped. "Or am I going to have to forcibly remove you from my sight?"
"The truth is," Bily Cabra gulped. "These events are compiled from the sworn testimonies of those miserable souls that survived that day."
Father Hacala took a deep breath. "Cabra, take your 'testimony' and get out of here right now." Billy Cabra obeyed Father Hacala, and he picked up his papers and scampered out of his office like a rat. Father Halaca removed his glasses and massaged his forehead when a message came through his voicemail.
"Father Hacala," his secretary said, "there is a Mr. Torgo here to see you."
"I don't know any 'Torgo'," Father Hacala said irritably. "Get rid of him."
"I think you should see him, sir," the secretary insisted.
"Why?" Father Hacala shouted.
"He claims to take care of the place while the Master is away. That, and he has what appears to be Dr. Brumble's corpse slung over his left shoulder."
Jude slowly regained consciences.
He tried to open his eyes but a bright light made him close them again.
He lay there for a time, trying to remember where he was. His
head felt like a 9 ton elephant had been dancing on it and he felt as
if a great deal of time had passed but he was unable to recall anything.
He remembered going to be in his room and that there had been a loud
noise and then that was it. At first he thought it had been some
drunk falling out of his lofted bed but it occurred to him the sound
was far too great for one mere drunk to have created. He tried
to open his eyes again, this time with greater success. He slowly
began to take in his surroundings. The sterile colors, the cold
feeling and the sound of his pulse beeping slowly from a machine not
too far from his bed told him this was not his room, at least not the
one he has at school.
As he tried to sit up he felt
as if he was tied down, although he wasn’t, his back was unable to
perform the task of rising. He looked around as best he could,
taking in all the little room had to offer his eyes. He noticed
the signs in the room where not in English but some other language,
possibly some form of Asia-landish. The bright light from the
window illuminated a figure slumped over in a chair in the corner.
He recognized the worn over coat and hat immediately. Dr. X was
here, but he was asleep and as he was not accustomed to do this except
after great periods of stress, Jude figured something serious was going
on and that he should let him sleep for now. The events of late
flashed through Jude's mind. He had thought it all a dream,
he had even dreamed the events where of a fabricated nature, but then
he realized as he felt the chain around his neck and the ring that hung
from it, it had not been a dream but a living nightmare. Dr X
stirred in his chair, he lifted the hat from his face and said "I
see you are up. I was beginning to worry; you’ve been out for
some days now."
"Really? What has happened? Where am I and how did I get here and how have I come to carry the Ring?"
"There is much to tell you
and we have some time for me to tell you some of the basics. Rest
for now, I will go find you some food." Dr X left the room and
Jude fell back into Dream Land.
"What is the boy's condition?"
came the deep voice of Father Stark. He exhaled in a content matter
and returned the cigarette to his mouth.
"Decent," replied Dr. X. "Don't smoke that thing around here."
"I'll smoke wherever I feel like, Pagan." Dr. X's eyes shifted briefly, but regained their typical glance a fraction of a second later.
There was the sound of an alarm, and the room turned a shade of red. Father Stark and Dr. X's heads both turned in the direction of the Zenith Space Command television screen and pressed it on. Bill Cabra's incomparable ugliness flashed on the monitor, and Father Stark dropped his cigarette in disgust.
"Cabra," said Dr. X.
"Indeed," Cabra replied icily. "It will take more than a few magic tricks to eliminate me and the League of Evil, Dr. X. Indeed, you are not nearly as great as you were at the height of your power. To think we used to live in fear of you! I laugh at the very thought."
"Laugh all you want, chuckles," Father Stark said, lighting himself another cigarette. "The remainder of the Council of Light is still well-intact, and Jude is on a steady road to recovery. We will find you and destroy you."
"You think so?" Cabra said, laughing in such a way that made Dr. X clench his teeth. "Well, I have a little something to tell you, Father Stark. Captain Murphy is right now on the way down to the very core of the Earth. Now what do you suppose he brought with him, eh? Oh, I don't know...an armed nuclear device, perhaps? Tut tut, gentlemen, you seem shocked...but you should have know right from the start that my victory is inevitable. As for the rest of the Legion, who are considerably less simple-minded than Murphy, we are currently far beyond your reaches. Far, far beyond."
"They've taken the Absolution," Father Stark said, comprehension dawning upon him.
"Clever deduction, my good Jesuit. Say hello to your Creator for me in the afterlife, gentlemen...I did so have a fun time...MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The Zenith Space Command shut itself off. "We have no time to lose," Father Stark said, removing the cigarette from his mouth. "I never thought it would come to this. We must gather the Council as quickly as possible to Spaceport Socrates. It is our last hope."
"The Das Poopbert?" Dr. X inquired his voice a cocktail of hope and fear.
The Council of Light realized
that they had to stop Captain Murphy, for he was still (as always) unaware
that his happy-cake oven was really a massively powerful thermonuclear
bomb. All that delayed their departure was their concern for Jude's
"We can't leave him behind." Noted Fr. Stark. Everyone nodded in silent agreement- once the powers of the Council of Light vacated the building, poor Jude would be as ripe for the picking as American tourists in Athens.
A tense atmosphere descended upon the group as they tried to think of a solution. The Das Poopbert was built for speed, and lacked the necessary medical facilities to keep Jude alive.
Dr. X's eyes darted to and fro as he methodically searched his extensive memory-banks for a solution. Sometime after the Summa, Dr. X's eyes stopped and he looked forward. "There is another ship we can put him on..."
Jude was loaded with care about the Council of Light's new extra-dimensional travel vessel, the CLVVanguard. The vessel had not even under-gone trials, which is why no one thought of using it. However, Dr. X and Prince Coxar were quickly performing the necessary adjustments to the vessel's complex mechanisms. Jude heard the commotion in his half-consciousness.
"Since we're all going on the Poopbert, who's gonna pilot
this thing after us?"
"It took some searching, but I found someone who has experience with this sort of travel. He's a bit out of practice, though..."
It was then that Jude heard that distinctive voice which snapped him into momentary consciousness-
"Thish control stick is like a potato...."
TO BE CONTINUED...?