Total Siggage: Return of the King

The Cardinal-On-Line Social Board Intelligencia, Fall Semester, 2004

UTAREMPIRE'S 

WJU PORTAL

 

This never-before-seen entry marks the latest and last addition to Total Siggage: the COSBI years. Unfortunately, by the time 2004 rolled around, the popularity of the Social Board had waned, its downfall aided in part by the graduation of several key members of our organisation. Nonetheless, we had a great run, and I am finally releasing this edition of Total Siggage for the benefit of all. Maybe somewhere down the line, the WU message boards will revive and some other group will become the spiritual bearers of our torch. Or maybe we're simply too cool for succession.

--- Chris Lim, 1 May, 2006

 

Originally compiled 3 December, 2005 (Unreleased)

 

Before we begin, I'd like to dedicate a special section to James Cobb, WJU's very own Crazy Old Man and flame-magnet. Cobb's personal preference in terms of troll-like posting was direct replications of pointless news articles from online sources with a non sequitur one-liner directly after it. His choice of articles ranged from irritating (environmentalism) to downright disturbing (school shootings). He is not popular.

 

WHAT’S YOUR OPINION OF JAMES COBB? 

 

"Cobb old man, being a member of Opus Dei I find your posting of the ridiculous hack job done upon my group to be socially insensitive, therefore we will all pray fervently that you die." 

--- Jerry Schubert

 

"CAPS LOCK is on the left side of the keyboard."

--- Tim Adkins

 

"The question is, why aren't you dead? Ass."

--- Chris Lim

 

"When are you going to get a life James? And when are you going to understand that we don't want to here your lame stories that have no right in being posted on these boards. Come on!" 

--- Andrew Grzeszczak

 

"Seriously, look 1/16" to the left of the 'A' key. Make good use of it, chief." 

--- Tim Adkins

 

"The only one that needs monitoring around here is you, you old ****." 

--- Chris Lim

 

"The only thing that depresses me around here are old men who wear Pantera t-shirts..." 

--- Tim Adkins

 

"Ohhh, thanks for the clearing up, Mr. Cobb! Turns out the antidepressants I take are for my childish behavior, and not because I want to kill myself every time I see a post by you!!!" 

--- Ashley Decker

 

"ROFL I M OLD N SENILE LOL I CAN CUT + PASTE CAN U???????

Stupid bastard."

--- Chris Lim

 

"As the Son of the CIO for the Federal Student Aid program, I take offence with your posting of this Hack reporting that impugns my honor, I thereby challenge you to a duel your terms....If you have any honor I await your response." 

--- Jerry Schubert

 

"There's a lot of hostility to Old man Cobb. But, that doesn't mean it isn't deserved." 

--- Andrew Grzeszczak

 

"I have a lot of guns, knives, and material that could be used to make bombs what of it? As for Nazi stuff, I have tons of it, as well as US and Brit paraphernalia from WWII. Jackass." 

--- Jerry Schubert

 

"I capitalized the phrase 'JACKASS'." 

--- Ashley Decker

 

"SHUT UP, Cobb!!" 

--- Andrew Grzeszczak

 

"I mean we have no idea what these elections are even for. The Elect James Cobb as a Jackass? Cause you sir, have already won that one a long time ago." 

--- Ashley Decker

 

"BIG SURPRISE YOU'RE A COMMIE!" 

--- Jerry Schubert

 

"AN ASSHAT IS YOU"

--- Chris Lim

 

"If your going to post news articles, then only post those that are cool or amazing, like if the earth was being overrun by Mexican people from outer space or something. If you don't comply with my post, then you will feel the pain of a thousand deaths." 

--- Andrew Grzeszczak

 

"Decrepit:
(Adjective) Of living beings (and their attributes): Wasted or worn out with old age, decayed and enfeebled with infirmities; old and feeble.

(Noun) One who is decrepit.

(Verb) To make decrepit.

This definition is from the Oxford English Dictionary, which can be found online at www.oed.com." 

--- Tommy Gallagher

  

"i hate you" 

--- Andrew Grzeszczak

 

"I'm waiting for you to pass on, you senile old hunk of stupid." 

--- Chris Lim

 

"Do not post material that is protected by copyright, such as complete articles copied from another source, unless you are the copyright holder or have the author's permission. Fair use generally allows the posting of small excerpts. View the SGA/ITS copyright policy if you have questions.

--- SGA’s official end of James Cobb!

 

THE POSTS

 

"One has to wonder...is there all of a sudden more people with an interest in going to school in Wheeling, WV? (I would hope not.) Or is the school so desperate for money that they were willing to admit anyone who would put up with 4 years at WJU?

I think I know the answer."

--- Chris Tartamella, with subtle references to admission criteria

 

"Imagine the clubbing you could do around here. Cabela's, Jill's and then cap off your evening with some Cherokee Trading Post. That will be a wild night you'll be sure to be talking about for the rest of your life."

--- Ashley Decker's nickel tour of "the Valley"

 

"You should pay in conflict diamonds."

--- Jerry Schubert, putting an end to financial aid

 

"Hmm...indeed!" 

--- Josh Kinney, a non-returning student, clearly in violation of the alleged "housekeeping" ITS was supposed to have done over the summer

 

"Yeah...I'm just a little pissed off at the fact that the Internet jumps on and off more frequently than a…well...I'll save the WVU anecdotes for parties, eh?"

--- Chris Lim, drawing analogies between seemingly unlike subjects

 

"Maybe if half this campus would be virus free and people actually took care of their computers we wouldn't have these problems. Eric Mencer works his ass off and doesn't get anything hardly for it. Wait til he's off for vacation, no internet for anyone because some people can't help but keep their pc inline" 

--- Nick Roxby, posting counter-revolutionary material

 

"Okay, you have a point, lots of retards get their computer infected, BUT THATS NO REASON TO TAKE THE WHOLE FSCKING SYSTEM DOWN YOU SACRIMONIOUS JACK ASS! So in conclusion yes I am still awesome." 

--- Jerry Schubert, turning anything into self-appraising machismo

 

"I like the wording 'any computer found causing a disruption' As if the computer is going to have a wild night of tequilla shots and looking at pr0n on its own. Uh oh!!!
I spend entirely too much time on these forums......" 

--- Ashley Decker and her new anti-drug

 

"STALIN DAS IST DER FRIEDEN: Just so everyone is clear on that point..."

--- Nick Massa, painting WJU red

 

"Incorrect Padiwan learner, seeing as how I will be battle Pope in a few years, I have invested in Tommy the abilities belonging to Ninja, Pirate, Atomic, and Laz0r Jesus. Tommy would be able to use all these powers against his opponents. The truth is this is just a metaphor, Alien = Anglican, where as Predator = Protestant (Lutheran), but Tommy’s powers are still real so he would win, and unite the Church under me, Pope Justinian the III, 1st Battle Pope of the 21st century."

--- Jerry Schubert’s interpretation of AvP

 

"Me thinks the freshmen got wind of last year's forum mutiny on behalf of certain WJU pirates and are scared of being clobbered lest they post. Silly freshmen, we won't clobber you, just merely annihilate you with long suffering mind games. And then maybe clobber you..." 

--- Ashley Decker, with reference to the hijinks of Spring 2004

 

"Do I detect sarcasm? SARCASM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED! But if it wasn’t sarcasm, then you are correct I am still awesome!" 

--- Jerry Schubert's insecurities

 

"That has got to be the worst way to get the womenz attention. Unless they're pirate womenz, then you're good." 

--- Andrew Grzeszczak, on peeing in girls' butts

 

"That is not the will of MANOS!” 

--- Nick Massa, on peeing in girls’ butts

 

"Ehh, did that come across as bitter? Probably because the other night Seraphin kindly informed me I would be working at a gas station in Wheeling some where spending all my free time thinking about Jesus. How's that for ambition? Getting to pump gas and praise the Lord all at once.

Though he did fall flat on his ass right after he said that, so God was obviously not amused. But I sure was."

--- Ashley Decker and God vs. Seraphin

 

"Why do you hate the Jews? I think you have had to much time in class with CERTAIN HISTORY/GERMAN PROFESSORS THAT BELIEVE ISRAEL IS U.N. SPONSERED LAND THEFT!" 

--- Jerry Schubert, not referring to any History professors in particular

 

"Why do I get this feeling there will be a Crimes Against Humanity/War Crimes trial against COSBI in the next ten years..." 

--- Nick Massa’s Ten-Year Plan for COSBI

 

"Mau Mau is played using standard playing cards. Normally 2 full (52-card, no jokers) decks are used. Mau Mau may be played with two or more people. With large numbers of players (8 or more) more decks should be added.

It is played in rounds. Players gain points after each round. When players go above a predetermined points threshold they are eliminated from the game. The aim is to be the last player remaining in the game.

Within each round, the aim is to be the player who first gets rid of all their cards. When a player does so, the round is over, and other players receive points based on the cards remaining in their hands.

Mau Mau is a strict game. The rules are meant to be difficult to remember. To play it at a high level, you must be able to unthinkingly follow the rules of the game, react quickly, and also deal with the various probability-juggling calculations which affect your chances of winning. It is not a game that should be played if participants are hoping to relax..." 

--- Tim Adkins presents Mau Mau: The Game

 

"Ah, but master will not be pleased with a test. You cannot stay here. The Master will not be happy!
I may not dropkick lamps or beat up my girlfriend but I do wear aviator sunglasses that make me resemble a child molestor...is that bad?" 

--- Sean Pawlowski, the New Arbiter of Good Taster

 

"You freak-a-zoid. I did not marry you. I married Tommy. And it wasn't at the justice of the peace. It was at Elvis' chapel. and it wasn't for money. It was for silverware. And dinner plates. And an ironing board. And all that other stuff you need to furnish a home of your very own. And its all through my marriage to Tommy Gallagher. *sigh* can life be any sweeter?" 

--- WTF it’s Julie Young

 

"Just because we couldn't find them, doesn't mean they didn't exist. Nominalism has its flaws, I would think you would be old and wise enough to see that. Also, Ad Hominem Attacks are a fallacy. Your argument is flawed. Thank you for trying, come back when you have valid points." 

--- Tommy Gallagher and something involving philosophy of some sort

 

"The correct title of this topic is actually "PHAIL State." Actually, that’s not it either. It's just stupid either way." 

--- Ashley Decker, fighting the inner 1337ness

 

"On the moon everyone posts articles on discussion boards!" 

--- Tommy Gallagher unveils the meaning of life

  

"Well since Pelikan was never removed from system in his year and a half 'sabbatical', odds are you've got a while to wait." 

--- Nick Massa, on Pelikan falling through the system (sort of)

 

"Mmm, refreshing.

More Ovaltine please!

It's late and I'm out of it, but I just rediscovered
America in the form of the Cardinal Forum." 

--- Jake Moore’s celebrity appearance

 

"Now dear Eric you aren't really insinuating the fact that if Fr. Stark isn't a real Catholic that we are all going to be smited because he isn't a real Catholic? If so well then I will have to strike you down as God's servant to remove the heresy that you have just uttered. However if you have meant by us all being smited because of the things that we utter, that perhaps may be possible, although it is unlikely.....at least for now. My God is a just God and shall punish the wicked and the evildoers (as well as the protestants). So if we are smitten because of the latter thought, it is because we deserve what he dispenses." 

--- Tommy Gallagher on the priesthood

 

"LUEshi has been Mengele'D!" 

--- Nick Massa discovers Reverse-LUEshi

 

"I like women like I like WJU's network – going down every weekend." 

--- Chris Lim's awful joke of the day

 

"I was thinking of the Donkey Kong Barrel Roll. Oh how those crazy monkeys make me happy." 

--- Ashley Decker, allegedly regarding Donkey Kong Country

 

"Do yourself and the world a favor and remove yourself from the human gene pool." 

--- Tact typical of Tommy Gallagher

 

"I agree and so does Jeanne. She says, 'God bless that child, but whew, it looks like an alien.'"

--- Aimee Boyer, on the awful link of the day (who's Jeanne?)

 

"CSI West Virginia: No dental records, and everyone has the same DNA." 

--- Chris Lim's new CSI location

 

"CSI Singapore: The government kill you and then investigates your family for why they raised you." 

--- Tommy Gallagher's new CSI location

 

"CSI Soviet Russia: In Soviet Russia Stalin investigates and murders you!"

--- Nick Massa's new CSI location