Total Siggage: Reloaded

The Cardinal-On-Line Social Board, Spring Semester, 2004

UTAREMPIRE'S 

WJU PORTAL

 

If Fall Semester was our foundation, Spring Semester was the continued construction of COSBI's own Tower of Babel of Insanity. We got bolder, we got raunchier, we learned a bit of HTML, we continued our science-fiction allegory, we got booted off the boards on more than one occassion, and I can guarantee that we caused more than a few grey hairs here and there. It was what we did best. And, for me, it's what I continue to do.

--- Chris Lim, 1 May, 2006

 

Originally compiled 13 January, 2006

THE POSTS

 

"A geek is a person who eats living things while they're still living. A nerd is a type of candy. I'm an Admiral, which is a person who moves a lot of computer-modeled boats on a screen." 

--- Tim Adkins, on the difference between a geek and a nerd

 

"I don't like the sounds of 'toot toot'. I've heard the term somewhere at a concert, the band needed money so they resorted to prostitution, drugs, and re-locating in certain parts of California.

Now the point is just the prostitution. 'Toot the Flute' can be one of the terms.

Now after I heard that, I never saw or heard toot the same way.

In conclusion I find this post....yeah.

The point of this message was to make everyone's life miserable, and cause wide spread....oh wait there I go again OMGWTFBBQLOLSARSROFLPOTATOTTYLLMAOBTW31121%11!!!!!sh"ift+111!!!!!!!!!!11!” 

--- Kevin Jones, being strange in general

 

"I agree with you, Eric, but because he's [Jerry] so closed-minded, he won't understand." 

--- Allison Baessler, agreeing with Eric over something she has no clue about

 

"CULTURALY INSENSITVE, you darn smart math and cheat code people who eat dogs from asia land cant understand that as a culture us Crackers just don't have 'flavor' its not out fault!! CULTURALY INSENSITVE ASIA-LAND MAN" 

--- Jerry Schubert’s cultural sensitivity

 

"I'd ask Mr. Tree what to do and use the little trolley to send a message to the king.
OBVIOUS." 

--- Tim Adkin’s course of action should he catch a cat punching his son

 

"ok, explain to me what the SB is?" 

--- Andrew Grzeszczak, making the most un-1337 statement EVAR

 

"We at COSBI want to express doubts that you are the smartest man in the world.
Lim must be, because he, of course, is Asian." 

--- Jake Moore, the otaku god

 

"Domokun si teh s uck" 

--- Tim Adkins, putting down the penultimate Japanese fad

 

"For a fleeting second I was worried that you were going to post a picture of someone touching himself." 

--- Chris Lim, on Julie revealing about what Jerry does on the weekends

 

"I went on a fieldtrip once to this place in Akron, Ohio called the Imagination Center or something, it's a museum aimed at learning middleschoolers a thing or two about science and archeology and thisandthat. Anyway, we were short one bus so some people got crowded seats. I got one of those seats. This hot girl was sitting on my lap and the ride was bumpy, so she was wriggling her bum around on my lap, which obviously made me feel...you know. I was kinda making a face and said, 'Hey, don't move around so much.' And she didn't hear me I guess, then when I said it the second time she asked why then she felt a little bump (not from the road >_>) and said, 'Oh O_o Gosh, sorry.' And she slipped off to one side, kinda squeezed inbetween me and this other girl. That was great, the only reason I didn't want her to stay on me was because I was about to pitch a tent, if you know what I mean." 

--- Chris Lim’s topic killer

 

"I went to the imagination place in Akron once. It sucks ass." 

--- Erin Long the literalist

 

"I'm having sex? Damn, why wasn't I informed sooner???" 

--- Erin Long, teasing COSBI in a subtle fashion

 

"I've been spreading all kinds of rumors about your yeast infection. Sorry about that...

And I definitely think you're a douchebag. *hearty laughter ensues*" 

--- Jake Moore, slandering Jerry

 

"At least you will have the 400th post to keep you company, and cook you turkey, and fetch you beer....... Oh wait a 400th post cant do that only a 406th post. Yup well that sucks, I would suggest you go work down at the 16th st. Chapel over break it will make you feel much better, and you might even get some turkey." 

--- Jerry Schubert’s sympathy to Andriy over having to stay at WJU over Thanksgiving

 

"I would like to apologize for having a life and not posting not soon enough when I got out of my car. Forgive those who have lives, or something similar to it, Chris. Hey Fujiyama, make like a dishonored samuri and commit hari kari." 

--- Tommy Gallagher, on not posting during break

 

"I have been being forcibly fed turkey for the past three days Chris, that was a call for help." 

--- Jerry Schubert, not getting any help

 

"I don't even remember who all the characters were! Or what the SAGA was about...I blame it on too much cold medicine!" 

--- Erin Long's lame excuse for forgetting the SAGA

 

"All I can say is, that when I saw this I had to run around naked and covered in mustered. I think I caused some real emotional scarring for my family." 

--- Jerry Schubert, upon reading Total Siggage Part I

 

"I must admit, it's a picture of me from when I was old and skinny... oh and married, too." 

--- Jake Moore is the Goatse Man

 

"O.o

*confuzzled*

*looks at hand*
OMG
*orgasms*
*passes out*" 

--- Josh Kinney has a funny turn

 

"Actually I think she does *D. sotto voice* 'You will RUE THE DAY YOU CROSSED CARLA CASH!'" 

--- Jerry Schubert, on whether or not Carla Cash reads COSBI

 

"I get this message every time I try to read a post under the "Which COSBI Member Is Satan?" thread.

'E:\blackboard\bin\common\msg_view.pl' script produced no output

Will one of you procrastinators recap it for me???" 

--- Erin Long, discovering that Blackboard sucks

 

"Hmm, who to vote for, it is a tough call, so many 'good' candidates... Well since Lim failed the evil test I have him earlier today(apparently he's fooled us all, he really is a kind hearted soul and loves to run around picking flowers all day)I guess I will vote for teh Admiral. More or less because my room is with in range of his guns and I really don't want my room fire bombed.

*casts vote, dies and goes to hell*

ZENITH SPACE COMMAND>j00" 

--- Nick Massa at the Evil Polls

 

"Nice vagina you have there, Jerry." 

--- Jake Moore…yeah

 

"Uhm…dammit if you were ugly we could make jokes about that. Well we still could but your mandangalo Dr. Fujiyama wouldn’t like it. teh c0upl2"

--- Jerry Schubert, on Erin declaring herself to be Aphrodite

 

"Tonight it'll be different, because Erin's going to be down at the Institute of Science getting some love.
*aims AWP rifle at 6th Iggy*" 

--- Chris Lim, pandering to more than one of Erin’s requests

 

"Lim, you have a Space Command…I doubt that’s going to bring in any ladies..... ANY......." 

--- Nick Massa and the downfall of having a Zenith Space Command television

 

"Here is a list of people who are known for pooping their pants!!!

add to it if you find out more

Jake More
Ross Jones
Kevin Jones
Mary Stebbins
Beckey Lazanski
Nick Massa
Kevin Melody

These people don't poop their pants
Jerry Schubert
Dr. Fujiama
The Admiral
Ninja Girl

These People Might poop their pants
Julie Young
Q
Josh Kinney" 

--- Jerry Schubert's informative pants-pooping list

 

"Man!!! First I only make like 2 quotes on Limb's COSBI post (AND, the good one was taken out of context), then I get stuck on a list of people who might poop their pants. How fair is that?!?! Gimme a little slack, people, please." 

--- Julie Young, expressing her resentment to the world

 

"shut up, i'm working on it..." 

--- Erin Long, to Chris Lim, being embarrassed for not knowing HTML

 

"I gotta say, I'm disappointed to be on the list.

But it's true, I poop my pants occasionally when I get nervous. *hangs head in shame*" 

--- Jake Moore's disappointment

 

"Well it has been said Melody beats his woman, which might give him the upper hand, you know practice and all, but we have not yet received PICS! so I we are only resting our assumptions on hearsay. Therefore the Star Wars Kid, and if he didn't win, I would send Erin in to do the job." 

--- Jerry Schubert’s opinion on Kevin Melody vs. Star Wars Kid

 

"You know one of these days we're all going to get booted off here!" 

--- Erin Long, stating that which never happened

 

"Maybe someone met KM and decided that abortion could have bettered the world in his case." 

--- Harsh words from Jake Moore

 

"Are you guys trying to put down abortion lovers or hoping to make more babies?"

--- Julie Young, regarding Jerry's frequent spl00g3s

 

"Maybe they'll take us all hostage and hold us for ransom...that's bound to raise some funds, eh wot?"

--- Tim Adkins' prediction for the Christmas Dance

 

"What does it take you guys, like 1.63 seconds to get up and running a new post???" 

--- Julie Young, jealous of the fact that COSBI has no social commitments

 

"Only because of the guilt trip...we really should start an empirical study-
IN THE SAME MALL, AT DIFFERENT ENTRANCES, HOW MANY GOLDZ DOES A ROBOT COLLECT COMPARED TO A HU-MAN?" 

--- Possible senior thesis for Tim Adkins

 

"Ahh, they're not so bad. You just have to learn to understand them, to see things from their point of view. Plus, in my secret life, I'm married to one." 

--- Julie Young, justifying Muslim extremists

 

"The pain! The horror...what a waste of precious software." 

--- J.T. Morgan, on using Photoshop to create Planned Parenthood posters

 

"I am sorry Jerry,  but anything of Asian value cannot defeat anything." 

--- Tommy Gallagher's OMA moment

 

"Jew>j00" 

--- Tim Adkins reveals the secret to the world

 

"Because Jews, unlike Blacks, are everywhere." 

--- Jake Moore's OMA moment

 

"*Beep, beep, beep* Danger Will Robinson, danger! Unacceptable reference to the unholy trinity!" 

--- Julie Young's immediate response to the word "tubgirl"

 

"The priest says to the Bartender, 'Could I have a cold draught of Guinness?' Bartender hands him the draught. The Rabbi asks for a for a cup of wine. And then the penguin says, 'Give me a big tall glass of baby.'" 

--- A priest, a rabbi, and a penguin walking into a bar, according to Tommy Gallagher

 

"Kevin Melody is in charge of taking care of the archives. Apparently, he is frustrated with reading your messages. I have talked to him, and he understands that he needs to make a protocol for taking care of the archives.
The plan is that anything 2 weeks old will be archived. Anything that is a month old will be deleted from the archives. This applies to the Social Forum only because the sheer amount of messages slows down the Forum. Anything that is derogatory towards someone else, involves 'asshat' pictures, or anything inappropriate will be deleted.
Here is your protocol." 

--- official stupid statement from "Government, Student"

 

"I Kevin Melody the only arbiter of taste do declare this thread dddddddddddddddddddddd" 

--- Jerry Schubert, in the usual mocking fashion

 

"How many times a day do you do that? Only cause it sounds like a serious personal problem for which you may want to seek professional help." 

--- Julie Young, on Jerry's disturbingly frequent spl00ges

 

"It is known as a 'cart' amongst the faithful, and woe unto any unbelievers who use the blasphemous term 'b_gg_e'." 

--- Tim Adkins, on shopping carts vs. buggies

 

"I work retail and we call it whatever we feel like it because we own them." 

--- J.T. Morgan's capitalistic frenzy

 

"The French word for 'Cardinal Connection' is 'Y HELO THAR BUTTSECKZ LOLOL'." 

--- Chris Lim's translation guide

 

"BTW, it is 'Soda', not 'Pop'. The appropriate use of 'pop' is 'I 'popped' that d00d'. You never say 'I soda'd that d00d'." --- TA
 

"You never say 'I popped that dude'
You say, 'I popped her the old one eyed bologna pony'
unless you’re a sodomite." --- JS
 

"The only sodomite that I am aware of is TJ....eewww...." --- MS 

--- Tim Adkins, Jerry Schubert, and Mary Stebbins locked in an erudite dialogue

 

"As a side note, I don't really care what they are called...I usually call it pop, but I can be heard using soda from time to time (probably as an influence from the many intarweb friends I have from areas where it is indeed soda and no pop). However, I use shopping carts more frequently than I use buggies.

And the Virtual Boy sucked more because the red lights hurt your eyes." 

--- Josh Kinney's thoughts on perception

 

"MORAL RELATIVISM ALERT! BWEEP! BWEEP BWEEP!

Me: Load all torpedo tubes
Ivan: All tubes loaded, sir!
Main screen turn on. Target the moral relativists.
Sergei: Bearing selected
Me: Range, match bearings, and shoot!
Pyotr: Torpedoes away!" 

--- Tom Adkin’s thoughts on moral relativism

 

"Secret Klan recipes are great, eh? Oh, I meant clan." 

--- Jake Moore's daily faux-pas quota met

 

"Here with our secret friends on the boards we have a word for jackass editors who misuse the paper. It begins with a H and it has 5 hyphens, its Greek for same sex dead underage animal sex fiend. If you can figure it out you get a prize!!" 

--- Jerry Schubert, regarding Matt Kolas’ editorial

 

"I must ask you, how does it feel to now be an enemy of all that is good Tom? If that doesn't get you that one way ticket to hell you've always wanted, I don't know what will. We all know you made that site! You anti-catholic! BUSTED! Hahaha, now the whole world (or at least the lurker population) will know the truth! HAHA! Then again, I think that page is too retarded even for you Tom." 

--- Nick Massa's probing soliloquy

 

"I just called the Pope the Antichrist. But you know it's ok, because I had Subway for lunch." 

--- Tommy Gallagher, repenting for his sins

 

"I would prefer a PSP as Pope before I even considered the likes of you..."

--- Chris Lim, on Jake Moore as the next Pope

 

"My Dad and I went to Figaretti's for lunch and in the parking lot there was a car that said "PROPHET" on the license plate. I was like, Oh Jessica Davis must be in the house today!

So I walk in and GUESS WHOSE SITTING THERE???? I almost died trying not to laugh!" 

--- Erin Long's fun story of the day

 

"Did you punch her in the face?

Cause then you could say:
BETCHA DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING" 

--- Jerry Schubert, debunking the Prophet again

 

"I'm an OB-GYN/Psychiatrist/Photographer. Ladies, sign up today for free breast exams, professional de-flowering, and hands-on sex therapy. With any of these, you get a coupon for one free session in my studio: I specialize in photographing the nude female body.

I also give freelance advice to women seeking opinions on breast augmentation. I can tell just by looking at them whether or not they need any work." 

--- Another contribution to campus health from Jake Moore

 

"Great, as you can see in the picture, I am so FREAKING excited to win. I can't believe I am at the level where I post every 30 seconds." 

--- Nick Massa, with COSBI sucking the life out of him

 

"You see, the man is yearning to come to grips with the non sequitur that with the availability of 50,000 battered women, he continues to give his female partners oral pleasure without the benefit of batter-dipping. His is distraught to learn that he has been living in the dark so long. It's like the allegory of the cave... all this man has known is giving oral pleasure without batter-dipping, and then suddenly he is shown that there is another way. He has broken free of the shackles that bind him to ignorance!" 

--- The updated Platonic fable, by Jake Moore

 

"Is this a trick question in which I will be made to look like a moron no matter what answer I give? *suspicious look* It just seems too easy. Too good to be true even. No hidden agendas? No snide comments? No intellectual put-downs or stupid pictures? If this is the case, I will have to say oatmeal chocolate chip. If its not the case, I refuse throw myself in the trap by answering." 

--- Julie Young, rightly suspicious of COSBI's motives

 

"Limecat would be a tough opponent for anyone. Of course, the hearsay around campus is Melody drop kicked a glass lamp, so he might do the same to Limecat. Still I believe Limecat could take Melody with three paws tied behind its back. Hell Bonsi Kitty could take Melody." 

--- Jerry Schubert, regarding Limecat vs. Kevin Melody

 

"I just vomited, then my eyes burned out of my head, then I died, then God said for my previous blasphemy I had to go and try to read the text, then I got two lines in and died again. Then God said you have done more than necessary and brought me back to life again and made my shoe a magic shoe." 

--- Jerry Schubert, after reading the Singaporean LiveJournal

 

"Allison, not everyone is as stupid as you think they are." 

--- Andriy Smereka, pwning some Baessler

 

"Our shenanigans are cheeky and fun. Your shenanigans are cruel and tragic. Which makes them not shenanigans at all, really. Evil shenanigans.

For fear of the 'injustice hammer' that is the SGA, I won't call you retarded and I won't say that you don't have a clue or that you have no sense of humor whatsoever. I won't say any of that. Since I won't say those things, I'll say, hey diddly o to Albert..." 

--- Jake Moore's failed attempt at self-censorship

 

"I love that Dan 'GF' Feeley disconnects the entire school but doesn't feel the need to inform the students that he’s going to do it. I know that the staff was informed but what about us students? I have only one thing to say to that.......... BAH" 

--- Jerry Schubert, regarding Mr. Feeley's network downtime

 

"No, but I am the moderator of Cardinal Online, so you have to accept that my taste has a little say in what you post on the message boards. Deal with it."

--- Kevin Melody’s intelligent reasoning behind post purges

 

"I've got an enormous problem with the idea that Kevin Melody is in charge of deciding what is and isn't inappropriate. He has no sense of humor and no appreciation for the efforts of others to amuse themselves.

Some things on this board need repaired. Does anyone know where I can find tools on campus? Thanks!" 

--- Another subtle reference to cowardice from Jake Moore

 

"We all know the sticks and stones thing... being able to spout off on the boards might be keeping someone from shooting up a classroom." 

--- A healthy reason for using the Social Forum, from Jake Moore

 

"Dear SGA-
Please stop being whiny bitches who complain that people make fun of them. If you weren't so whiny, we wouldn't make fun of you. You wanted to be an elected official- therefore, deal with the criticism. Please stop acting like you're superior to the rest of us just because you kiss a few asses. Granted, we are not always mature and professional- but you represent a government that is spiteful, sarcastic, and sickening (might I remind you of your ignorant posts and editorials?) If you want us to grow up, I'd suggest you do the same.
Sincerely…"

--- Erin Long, not extremely happy at SGA

 

"You can start flinging faeces; that might get you a single…IN THE NUT HOUSE!!" 

--- Jerry Schubert’s idea for obtaining a single room

 

"Hey if anyone is a sociopath- it's the ELI student from hell that I had to live with at the beginning of last year. Not only did she not speak English, but she was a communist, a nietzchist, had an 8 inch butcher knife on her desk, 5 box cutters and a package of dried headless fish in her dresser. She also never went to class because she was out drinking until 5:30am every day. Oh and she batted for both teams too. There were pictures.

If anything- Housing & Residence Life OWES me my own space just for 3 weeks of that catastrophe!"

--- The Erin Long Show

 

"As a member of the gay community, I'm deeply offended that you have deemed 'buttsex' and any form of it inappropriate. If I'm not permitted to talk of my own sexual orientation, you can expect a letter from GLAAD soon." 

--- Jake Moore comes out of the closet

 

"It has been brought to my attention that there have been some discussions on forum policies.
Here's a copy of what's in the Student Handbook. Hope this helps." 

--- OMFG Dan Feeley post!

 

"This message harassed, intimidated, demeaned, insulted, slandered, defamed, annoyed, and threatened me!!!!!!!!!!!1" 

--- …and Jerry Schubert, not giving him much respect

 

"I find the onslaught of 'important' emails from student affairs annoying. Does that mean they're against policy?" 

--- Erin Long and the great Cardinal On-Line loophole

 

"As opposed to the other kind of carpet..." 

--- Jake Moore, regarding Baessler selling her "floor carpet"

 

"I believe the word is clever, but I guess with 4th grade vocabularies we have to use simple word so everyone understands.

Enjoy your holidays, 'gentlemen'." 

--- Tyler Alspaugh, not being very clever

 

"I heard he was found out by the Back Passage of Doom living on B-room leftovers. *shudders*

I think that's punishment enough. I mean a guy commits a few atrocities and he's a marked man. Can't a guy make a few mistakes? I mean, we have Cobra Mercenary Jerry but I don't see anyone out to burn him for atrocities." 

--- Tommy Gallagher, on Saddam's capture

 

"Hahaha - only a misunderstood man would hide himself in a styrofoam enforced hole! Bastard..." 

--- Erin Long, on Saddam's capture

 

"Now that Secretary Ridge has graciously let us know that the Terror Alert is now back to High or 'Code Orange', we must be alert fellow Jesuitians. I think that the back gate should be cemented shut so terrorists like Osama and Saddam don't infiltrate our beautiful campus. I think we should install metal detectors at the front gate. That will show those terrorists a thing or two. We should all take our posts and be very wary of strangers (i.e. especially people from Singapore [i.e. CHRIS LIM]) I will stand guard on the Balcony from Campion and guard the back gate. Intruders shall meet their impending doom at the back passage. Be on guard."

--- Good ol’ COSBI slander from Tommy Gallagher

 

"When Christmas-time comes about each year, I am reminded of all those who help us in the fight against terrorism. People like Bookmaster G, standing on the back of Campion with his high-powered potatoe-gun defend us from its evil. We must be deeply grateful for his civic-mindedness, and his environmentally-friendly policies as well.

Master G brings up another good point- the threat of SINGAPORE. As is commonly known, 15 of the 21 hijackers had, in fact, heard of Singapore. This is a threat that the world must face! If we don't do something about it now, you'll see a parade of Mer-lions mer-lioning down Washington Avenue and striking fear into the very soul of Wheeling! My friends, can your hearts stand that terror? I don't think anyone can. Except Mr. T. But he's special." 

--- Tim Adkins, on Tommy's proposed measures against Singapore

 

"Kevin Melody does sit in his room every night and cry. I live next door to him and I can hear his sobs. Through his wailing all I can usually make out is something about COSBI or something. I wish you guys would leave him alone. His life is being ruined. His future is in doubt, and I can't get any sleep because of his crying. So I make this final plea. Quit making Kevin cry." 

--- Josh Collins, coming eerily close to the truth