Total Siggage

The Cardinal-On-Line Social Board Intelligentsia, Fall Semester, 2003

UTAREMPIRE'S 

WJU PORTAL

Whenever I think of COSBI, I think of beginnings. The Churchill Society, Wheeling, was formed in early 2003, when most of the founding members were freshmen who had just gotten their sea-legs of their tumultuous college career. It was not until later that year that we would operate in any sort of focused capacity - but when we did, we went all out.

Not too long ago, I was at a luncheon for graduating international students. As I introduced myself to all who were present, a gentleman from the business department asked me I was the "infamous Christopher Lim". It depends which circle you're from, was my response. Apparently, this man had been one of the many avid followers of our antics in cyberspace. Three years on, our legacy still follows us around. 

--- Chris Lim, 1 May, 2006

 

Originally compiled 25 November, 2003

THE POSTS

 

"Okay you don't get the point very well do you? NO ONE POSTS, not from clubs, that’s why they combined them. There was no need, we used to be able to spread our posts out over a lot of boards, but now we do it all on a few. The other thing is that maybe just maybe if the clubs would post stuff, then it wouldn’t be myself, and Erin, and Nick, and Jake, and Chris that are the only ones posting. So before you start moaning about how we are polluting the boards, why don’t you tell the precious Clubs to freaking post." 

--- Jerry Schubert in the pre-COSBI era


"I beg to differ with your opinion, sir. This club is SPECIFICALLY for students to post concerns about the school not for zombie stories. If you would like a forum for your stories, then contact Kevin Melody at kmelody2@ignatius.wju.edu." 

--- A quote from some crapface named "Government, Student"

 

"They just don't want to answer the question of why the B-room doors are really locked (oh no, people will steal BAGELS!) and why they fired the best damn people working on this campus (like my awesome former boss)." 

--- Erin Long, answering the mystery of why open forums always get cancelled

 

"i hate you" 

--- Tommy Gallagher's only concern regarding the Campion/T-More move

 

"It was destroyed by irate KKK members." 

--- Chris Lim, on the current location of the OMA

 

"Flashback to 1970....

The teacher and classroom were staring at him expectantly. As he felt his cheeks grow hotter, he tried to read the sentence aloud from his reader. 'Come on, Christopher*, we're waiting.' The teacher glanced at her watch. 'Um, hickory, dickory dock, the mouse ran up ta- ta- taha- taha..' 

'The,' someone piped up. 

'Oh yeah,' he muttered, 'the clock.'

*name has been changed to protect the obvious." 

--- Erin Long, about Chris Bling, WJU SAGA

 

"As was usually the case with poor Chris, silence usually dominated after he either spoke or anything associated with him became apparent. 

'Says here you have a terrible fear of clocks. Care to explain that?' Chris shuffled his feet nervously, mind racing, he fought the urge to shove his golden chains down the interviewers throat. 'Well listen G, it was a rough childhood, but I'm all done with that foo. Is it not apparent from my stylin' clothes and bling bling that I am overly qualified for this job?!'" 

--- Nick Massa, about Chris Bling, WJU SAGA

 

"Dr. X: Fabulous. Now on to the plan....We're going with Zelda Plan 669 where the boy crosses over to invade our evil foe's laboratory in the towers of Swint Hall. We're going to need a gallon of kerosene, 3 live chickens, a weedwacker, 8 eunuches- get them from 3rd McHugh, they're all 'loose' anyway, 14 jars of honey, a 45 caliber, a 9 iron, 2 apple pies, and I'm wearing woman's underwear.
Darlene: Okay...thats a gallon of kerosene, the chickens- wait- you're wearing what?
Dr. X: Just seeing if you're listening." 

--- Erin Long, WJU SAGA

 

"Prince Coxar began to speak, when out of the corner of the room came a soft, warm voice. It was Michael Jackson. He had a euphoric look on his face. He was very happy to see the young, well-built Jude. 'You seek my knowledge?' Michael whispered.

'I suppose,' Jude hesitantly responded. Jude wasn't sure of the King of Pop's intentions, due to stories he was told from yesteryears.

'Follow me to my Castle,' Michael said with a mischievous grin.

With this, the entire group realized that Michael was sent by the CTS to take from Jude far worse than his life.

'ENOUGH!!!!' Father Stark bellowed as he snapped his fingers. 

And with that the King of Pop disappeared..." 

--- Will Esgro, WJU SAGA

 

"Well that's all fine and good but apparently no one but you really cares about the freshman board." 

--- Erin Long, tactfully expressing her feelings to Rosie Graf

 

"Riiight. If you haven't noticed- every board that isn't dominated by Jerry, Jake, Chris, Nick, Kevin, & myself is either 1) unused or 2) absolutely boring. Maybe if the freshmen cared and actually posted, we wouldn't have the urge to randomly post while we're procrastinating. 2 freshman hardly count as the whole 'freshmen class'." 

--- Erin Long, tactfully expressing her feelings to Rosie Graf

 

"Thank you for mentioning this. The freshmen class officers realize that many freshmen do not know how to access the board. We are asking the FYS teachers to encourage students to enrol in the AUX-WJU-Cardinal-Community and tell them how to go about doing this. Hopefully then this board will be more active. And yes any freshmen who are reading this forum should encourage their fellow freshmen to post here. We are grateful to the upperclassmen who can shed light on topics that are raised here. We only ask that the users of this board not get silly and prevent it from becoming a potentially helpful place for freshmen." 

--- Rosie Graf, putting her foot in her mouth

 

"Do you think it's such a good idea to bring up the forums over an FYS class?

FYS instructor: 'Now that you have access to the Cardinal Community, all of you can have interesting and intelligent discussions about...(clicks boards) oh dear God...'" 

--- Chris Lim, on the downside of exposing campus COSBI

 

"BAAAAAH! Clockspider is actually a very clever political protest. Only uncool people don't see it." 

--- Tim Adkins, on Clockspider

 

"Ohhhhh man. You just don't even want to know my opinion on that one! Let's just say that the story of the cowardly lion crosses my mind...." 

--- Erin Long, upon being asked to discuss Chris Bling

 

"No, it's true. It's Jerry's only option." 

--- Jake Moore, on Jerry’s only option

 

"She never told me anything... I guess she just knewI wouldn't give a sh*t! hahaha" 

--- Jake Moore, on the fabled Prophet Jessica

 

"I'll honk for Arafat...he's probably a poor misunderstood guy just like Osama & Saddam!" 

--- Erin Long, in Arafat’s nonexistent defence

 

"Correction, 228 people are needed.

- 15 student workers to tell people that it's another department's job
- 1 to call Physical Plant and have them do nothing
- 2 to report the incident to Corey King for no apparent reason
- 1 Business major to say why the plan is not feasible
- 1 Theology major to pray over the situation
- 1 Psychology major to record the group dynamic
- 1 Physics major to calculate the amount of force required
- 1 English major to write a poem about how fixing the light bulb is a metaphor for the passing of life
- 1 Political Science major to yell at everyone else
- 1 Teacher Prep major to paint the room bright colors
- 1 Philosophy major to try and explain whether or not fixing the light bulb is in the plan of life
- 1 Computer Science major to attempt to write an algorithm for it, fail, then try and look up the answer on Google
- 8 people that get drunk and do nothing
- 16 to write and article about it in the Cardinal Connection
- 28 to say "heh heh, you said 'screw', heh heh..."
- 43 to leave it until the night before it really needs to be fixed
- 4 to call everyone else 'gay' and do nothing else
- 12 to turn up to see if any hot chicks came
- 16 whose boyfriends/girlfriends made them go and try and help
- 5 who ask their boyfriends/girlfriends to do it for them
- 3 to cry about some random breakup
- 31 adult students to shake their heads and go back to their real lives
- 7 to post something on the Cardinal-Online boards making fun of the situation
-12 History Majors to run to the library, search in vain for some historical precedent, and then after finding nothing, assume the fetal position and cry themselves to sleep.
-10 Undecided Majors who just stand their and wonder what in the good Lords name they are going to do with their lives
-And 6 House Keeping people to tell you that they WILL NOT be cleaning up after this light bulb changing incident because it’s beyond their normal work load. --- NM 

Actually, make it 237:

- 8 Student Government representatives to block the action --- CL 

Subtract a few for all the people who would have participated but couldn't find a parking spot because of all the jerks who park right in front of the building when they get here in August and don't move their cars till they go home for break.

*Note: If you're one of the people who do this, I hope something painful and/or very annoying happens to you. --- JM

--- Nick Massa, Chris Lim, and Jake Moore, on how many WJU students it would take to screw in a light bulb

 

"Unless we colonise t3h S1ng4p0r3. I estimate it will take one USMC MEU approximately 15 minutes to conquer the country." 

--- Tim Adkins, on conquering Singapore

 

"The Devil is on campus, and it is known as PETA people for the ethical treatment of animals. They are not only not for the actual ethical treatment of animals and so called 'Animal RIGHTS' activists (This is a misnomer animals can't have rights, they have no responsibilities, we have responsibilities to be good stewards of the earth though.) They are also anti-human, yes folks ANTI-HUMAN, but how can people be Anti-Human you ask? They say humans are only animals, we have no souls, we are just more evolved animals. PETA once released a statement that if there were a burning building and a chimp and a retarded baby were inside one was ethically obliged to rescue the chimp, rather than the baby. PETA is the devil folks, and its time to show them that we don't want them here." 

--- Jerry Schubert, starting the inevitable

 

"If it came down to you and the chimp, the chimp might be a wise investment, because it would be quite less irritating than you and could probably outargue you. Just saying." 

--- Scott Brothers, attempting to put the pwnage on Jerry; failed

 

"You thrive on conflict... get a life." 

--- Sam Childers, attempting to put the pwnage on Jerry; failed

 

"We should eliminate mentally handicapped people because they are a burden on our society." 

--- Chris Lim, first failed attempt at killing the PETA topic

 

"I'm thoroughly convinced that you fellows are more concerned with rhetoric (i.e. sounding intelligent) than the actual issue at hand... It was a mistake to even try and refute your arguments(I'm speaking to Gerald exclusively on this one) because opposition is exactly what you wanted. As for Jake, so you're contradicting yourself totally when you say that you're imposing your beliefs, but I can't even be a part of a group, pass out a pamphlet or say, 'hey you should check this out' without taking criticism. You have no idea what we're about and what we're trying to accomplish so please quit being antagonistic. This is my last post on this topic." 

--- Not Sam Childers’ last post on this topic

 

"Jerry, I'm so glad that you find your intelligence by looking up words in the dictionary. I learn so much from you! After reading all these posts, I would really like to... never mind. I just wanted you to know that you are so narrow-minded. I have not met a person in my life that is more narrow-minded than you. I don't know why you can't be open to any ideas. I think you just like to spite everyone. Do you have any friends? If so, I'm not sure how they can put up with you for longer than a minute or two. How can anyone be against animal rights? There is nothing wrong about it. And, you said there is no harm when an animal is killed? Maybe you need to do some research then, buddy. The animals are not treated in a humane way when they are killed. They are tortured and put to death. It's people like you who just don't give a damn about an animal's pain that do these horrible things. You are all mixed up in what you believe in. You are entitled to an opinion, and I would respect that, only if you weren't mixed up on the facts. You base your arguments on your own beliefs and the dictionary. You have no hard evidence. Basically, I'm trying to say, you don't know what you're talking about. I eat meat and you don't see me bashing the animal rights group. There is no logic in bashing an animal rights club. None. And, you mentioned that they kill for their beliefs? Give me one instance in which they murdered someone. Also, about corrupting a young child's mind? Well, if you're gonna say that, I guess every child's mind is corrupted who wasn't raised by your parents because that must be how everyone should be raised, all with the same beliefs. You are so wrong that it is angering me with each sentence that I type. I also wanted to mention this... I know it was not recently, but at the Bowling for Columbine wellness, you were beat until Trevor threw in the religious thing. The least you could do is admit that you're wrong when you are. And, you talked about(the wellness) how being raised in a military family, you were taught not to touch weapons? And that because of that, an incident like Columbine wouldn't happen to someone in that kind of situation? Well, buddy, you're wrong. One of the students from Columbine, one of the shooters, was raised on a military base. Explain that one to me. They actually mentioned that in the movie, but maybe you were too busy planning out your arguments to have noticed. And, on a final note, there is only one God, and he sure isn't you, so stop trying to act like you're perfect and flawless because you aren't. And you believing that you're always right gets on everyone's nerves. THE END" 

--- Allison Baessler and THE WALL OF TEXT…IT APPROACHES…

 

"We have no direct affiliation with PETA." 

--- Sam Childers, making no sense

 

"And if I am 40 and have 10lbs of meat in my colon, I think I can honestly say I will die a happy man." 

--- Tommy Gallagher, making PETA weep

 

"Firebombing isn't peaceful protest." 

--- Jerry Schubert, stating the obvious for our animal-liberation friends

 

"So lets say you liberate all the animals- then what? Are you going to go running thru the streets of Wheeling chanting, 'Come to me, my jungle animals'?"

--- Erin Long, immortalising herself once again

 

"i would like to say to chirs lim (i am saying this from my own point of view and not the group with which i am affiliated) do you have a life outside of the WJU discussion board? does making a mockery of things get you off or something? take up knitting or something. make a difference with your life. do something other than all of this" 

--- Raymond Canter, trying his 1337 pwnage skillz

 

"I would like to point out that this board is a social board in which, and I quote, 'This is just a place for students to be social'. Seriously guys, take it down a notch. That is until the slander and other defamations forum is created. Then you will be able to flame each other as much as your heart's desire." 

--- Tommy Gallagher, speaking his mind about the social board

 

"How about we end this discussion because its obvious that its not getting anywhere besides flimsy Biblical references, ‘mother earth’ jargon, and taking up waaay too much bandwidth." 

--- Erin Long, doing what COSBI could not do and shutting down the PETA thread for good

 

"And Ryan White doesn’t make it." 

--- Jerry Schubert's Matrix: Revolutions spoiler

 

"i thought this message board had some tact. real talk from real people. aside from chirs lim's mocaries, of course. do we really need to make comments using homosexuality as an attempted stabb at humor? i find that uncalled for" 

--- Raymond Canter, displaying sound ethical boundaries that COSBI lacks

 

"If I were to shoot my self in the foot with a loaded semi-automatic would I be kicked out of school under the assumption that it is attempted suicide?
HMMM, such are the thoughts that ponder my mind on an idle Friday." 

--- Eric Mena, pushing the limits of good taste

 

"Wow....that’s about all I can say." 

--- Erin Long, unable to answer the question of whether a Cyclops can see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch

 

"haha,you disapoint me,Gerald. I dont do drugs, plus thats really not what raves are about, but you wouldnt know. The only way you know anything about raves, probably, is from looking at some pics of them on the internet" 

--- Andriy Smereka, on raves

 

"uh, thanks for the advice, but as i said before, why would i take any advice from you?" 

--- Allison Baessler, not taking help where she can get it

 

"No, it is techno that I did my senior project on, and techno, along with trance and other forms, all fit under the category electronica. Thanks, but I know what I am talking about." 

--- Allison Baessler, displaying her 1337 academic skillz

 

"In the rapid evolution of the modern world, it is necessary to bring into consideration new situations which were not considered during the formation of our time-honored ethical principles. I put such a situation forward to-day for your consideration and thoughtful response.
Is using telepathy cheating?" 

--- Tim Adkins, posting the age-old unanswerable question

 

"They're good for oral pleasure too. Oh and for cooking and cleaning!" 

--- Jake Moore, on what women are good for

 

"I must say, I am not so sure women are for the advancement of the race, what with their inability to drive, or drink incredibly large amounts of alcohol. I am not sure they are around for much more than keeping men from killing each other and that hinders our advancement.

P.S. Sammy and Ray before you say I am a he-man woman hater please learn what satire is." 

--- Jerry Schubert and the disclaimer from hell

 

"Tax deductible perhaps?" 

--- Nick Massa, on Jerry’s reason for existence

 

"nice shoes, blah, blah, blah...you missed a quiz pal" 

--- Julie Young, bringing COSBI back to reality

 

"The idea is that Lim is Asian. And that all Asians know karate. It's a joke, which you have totally ruined. Thanks a lot Erin!" 

--- Jake Moore, on Erin ruining the joke for everyone

 

"Nice shoes.
Wanna die a slow, painful death inflicted by hundreds of gluttonous leeches sucking you dry until all that's left is a shriveled raisin body that resembles an creepy Asian doll?

*cringes a little at the thought, then warms up to the idea*" 

--- Julie Young’s idea of a romantic night out

 

"It's a damn newspaper at a college of less than 1200 people! You guys can't possibly be serious about this?!?! Aren't there more important things to be bitching about, like our shitty meal plans, or the possibility of more lay offs. I mean honestly. At least Kolas is making an effort to get the paper out. Do something to make a difference then talk to me about typos. I hate to sound rude, but I mean honestly, give the kid some credit. He was defending himself. Self defense is the right of every human, even if it is verbally or literally. You guys were ganging up on him. I don't believe he got the entire staff of the paper to retaliate. He did it on his own. I don't know Kolas very well, I guess I am just a decent person who has respect for other peoples work."

--- Ross Jones’ eternal rant

 

"Honestly, Tim, Jerry, and Jake are the only ones I see out of all this nonsense who actually have mature responses to the occasional serious topic. You guys win. I refuse to post on here anymore, it's a waste of time. Let it be known someone went against the grain for once on these boards. Back to work." 

--- Ross Jones, taking COSBI literally again

 

"(In case anyone didn't know, Ross and I are intimate…)" 

--- Jake Moore, giving spoilers about his personal life

 

"I was called into Mr. Kings office today, because you [Matt Kolas] seem to think that I have been threatening your life. Rest assured that is not what is being threatened; its your job. Yes your job, you see we will be putting out our own paper. So next time you over react why don't you try to talk to me first, before an rash actions. Although Mr. King said you didn't send the email. Which would leave me to believe that the email was sent by Mr. Melody, and if that’s the case…HE WILL RUE THE DAY ( not a threat on your person ) he messed with me." 

--- Jerry Schubert, not threatening anybody

 

"Being the minister of defense in the RIC- I will take personal responsibility for the beatings!" 

--- Battle-ready Erin Long waiting to beat some Melody

 

"Anyone who runs to the administration crying that they're being picked on or threatened is a TOOL. Back in high school, we called those people any number of terms... what's another word for cat?" 

--- Jake Moore's sleek reference to cowardice

 

"We are doing nothing that would raise suspicion. Nothing at all, go along with what you were doing, no secret conspiracies here, I promise, Ill give you some cookies if you just go away RIGHT FREAKING NOW!!!!!" 

--- Jerry Schubert, trying to cover up the Harlequin foetus

 

"How, Jerry, you can call yourself Strong Bad is a mystery to me. You, my friend, although amusing, are nowhere near the caliber of strongbad. If you had to be a character on there, I guess I would have to say you would be the Poopsmith. You are a pretty nice guy but have a pretty crappy job." 

--- Tommy Gallagher, on Jerry

 

"Nice picture there Lim, I feel a little deja-vu forming." 

--- Eric Mena, regarding LUEshi unwanted reappearances

 

"He'll be back; the withdrawal symptoms will be too much for him to stay away... MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" 

--- Nick Massa, on the addictiveness of COSBI

 

"Master Lim, must I remind you that as the PAP representative in the R.I.C. you are in charge of Youth In Asia. Not suicide, that will be run, by example by ray and sam once they realise how futile and weak their philosophy is. You shall cease and desist right now. So it is commanded So Shall It Be Done." 

--- Jerry Schubert, on Chris Lim's announced suicide

 

"Oh by the way Chris if you need any help let me know. I am always looking for ways to be a good friend." 

--- Tommy Gallagher, on Chris Lim’s announced suicide

 

"I think this should be immediately reported; I just heard Josh BOYDA threaten to punch Chris in the face!!!!!!!1 OMG WTF" 

--- Jerry Schubert, playing with fire

 

"JKG7UYJHVBDXCBVFD" 

--- Andrew Grzeszczak, not making much sense

 

"Lets see... i was there... he didn't lay a hand on you, but you did hit him...his brother might of flipped out, but josh didnt touch you, so dont go start talking bull to make someone look bad. and i'm not saying it's right of his brother to flip out, but the only reason he did is because you try and control your roommate...he was defending her... just because you don't like russell doesn't mean your roommate has to dislike him too. but dont go around saying josh attacked you because its not true" 

--- Allison Baessler, apparently tired of living

 

"Excuse me you little bitch, his brother grabbed me by the throat so don't go talking like you know. He used my roommate and still is and she's stupid for letting him. Maybe you're up his ass but I'm not and I know what he's like. I hit him to DEFEND myself. There’s a difference. According to the Wheeling police, what happened to me was ASSAULT. So before you open your goddamn mouth, you better extract your head from his ass and see things for what they really are." 

--- A good reason not to make Erin Long unhappy, to Baessler

 

"Oho! Why is it that you think that your -land deserves special capitalisation, kufr? I think capitalisation should be reserved for me. There's not enough of it to go around." 

--- Tim Adkins, disrespecting the fine continent of Asia-land

 

"I hear we have a good Psych department." 

--- Tommy Gallagher, on COSBI as a whole

 

"Wow Melody just told me it takes him about 12 seconds to beat Dragon Wang, and Boyda said 3 seconds, they must be Dragon Wang beating masters!!" 

--- Jerry Schubert, on Dragon Wang

 

"When I beat the Wang, I take my time, careful to make every motion with each hand gentle yet effective." 

--- The reason why Jake Moore gets all the ladies

 

"Thanks for the advice (even though the first idea doesn't seem that great)." 

--- Andrew Grzeszczak, upon being asked to run around naked with mustard all over him

 

"toooommmmmyyyyyy.........tooommmyyy....toommyy...tommy…
i miss you:(" 

--- Julie Young, in a delusional state regarding Tommy Gallagher

 

"I say hello to butt sex every morning when I wake up next to my hunk of a man." 

--- Jake Moore, on Ross Jones

 

"No, she isn't. She's a holographic projection put forward by my Agency. You should have figured that out by now." 

--- Tim Adkins, asserting that Lucy Liu is not real

 

"teh yoi g 0 si f0r puzes!!@223
m4gicK t3k g4thring si 4 k00 ppl 2 pl4yz0zz!!!!1122@@shift+11" 

--- Josh Kinney, describing the inherent hierarchy of CCGs

 

"I bet he has to wear a diaper... poor fella." 

--- Jake Moore, on the Goatse Man

 

"If you google "WJU Whores" this is the first result-
Wheeling Jesuit University - Course Syllabi
... (DT) Pomeroy, Sarah B. Goddesses, Whores, Wives, and ... HOME • GIVING TO WJU • SITE
MAP • NEWS & EVENTS • ASK WJU 316 Washington Ave., Wheeling, WV 26003 1 ...
www.wju.edu/academics/departments/ history/coursesyllabi.asp-59k

Nice to see this area of study isn't going un-noticed at this institution." 

--- Tim Adkins, on googling "WJU Whores"

 

"I'm currently offering free breast exams to all the gals on campus. It's the least I can do."

            --- Jake Moore, doing his bit for the university

 

"If you would leave your room instead of typing on the message board all day, then you may have noticed. If the signs were removed, then Student Government can't be blamed for that." 

--- Kevin Melody rocks the casbah

 

"Besides, if someone is too lazy to leave their room to voice a concern, then it cannot be that terrible of an issue." 

--- Kevin Melody, expressing his bitterness once again

 

"Highlighter for sale! Brand: 'Avery HI-LITER'...barely used...works great! Will sell for $11.50...OBO
Thanks! BID NOW WHILE STILL IN STOCK." 

--- Sarah Lilley, apparently unaware of the “reasonable profit margin” theory

 

"This hi-lighter is state of the art...it really is a great price." 

--- Sarah Lilley, justifying exorbitant prices

 

"I have a piece of paper here for $34.50 (o.b.o.) Get it while its hot!!!!" 

--- Will Esgro, satirising life itself

 

"LET IT BE KNOWN THAT
1)We, Emperor Norton I Dei Gratia of the United States and Protector of Mexico, do take a great interest in the well being of our imperial subjects, and
B)We are also keenly aware that although many subjects living in our realm are possessed of super powers or have access to cheat codes, most of our subjects are quite normal, and thus require hydration and nourishment,
It is therefore resolved that the school has a moral duty to look after the hydration needs of those subjects of ours who are not possessed of supernatural abilities and require hydration after their exercise routines, and it is also resolved that if the school fails to provide for these hydration needs, it shall incur our most ferocious and imperial displeasure.
Signed
EMPEROR NORTON I
Emperor Dei Gratia of the United States and Protector of Mexico" 

--- Emperor Norton I, about water in the aerobics room