Important Information

From the front desk of Corey King, former Vice-President of Student Affairs at Wheeling Jesuit University. 

UTAREMPIRE'S 

WJU PORTAL

 

 

At Wheeling Jesuit University, it is certain that there will always be notable individuals who will earn notoriety on campus. Whether the person in question is a student, a faculty member, a staff member, or (God forbid) part of the administration, it is relatively easy to become a figure whose personality becomes forever intertwined with campus culture through repeated acts of social impropriety. 

As such, there are few who attended Wheeling Jesuit University between 2002 to 2005 who will forget Corey King, the former Vice-President of Student Affairs. Prior to Great White Mother, the Residence Life party was headed by the Conqueror of Grammar himself, and his emails were a daily source of amusement for all who read them. There really is no greater bond of friendship than tears of laughter shed together, and so, I dedicate this page to Mr. Corey King, who made life at Wheeling Jesuit University so much more surreal.

If you'd like to learn more about Corey King, Important Information, or Residence Life, please see their appropriate Uncylcopedia entries. You might learn a thing or two. 

Chris Lim

  

Compiled from emails sent by Residence Life to the university community between February, 2003 and September, 20005

 

ATTENTION ON CAMPUS STUDENTS!  WE NEED TO ASSIST WITH MOVING YOUR CARS ON CAMPUS IN ORDER FOR US TO GET TO THE SNOW.  PHYSICAL PLANT IS HERE TO ASSIST IF NEEDED.  PLEASE ASSIST US.

CLASSES HAS RESUMED TODAY.

The beauty of many of these emails lies in the choice of font and colour, although this one in particular stands very well on its own. 

 


HOUSING SELECTION
Housing Selection will be on Saturday, April 5th in the Old Gym.  You should have received information via your campus box and the selection process.  Attached is copy of the roommate selection process.  Forward all questions to Housing & Residence Life at 243-2301.

This mistake ended up being a common theme in many of Mr. King's emails - that is, using "and" to link two unrelated thoughts. I guess snotty English majors refer to this as lack of parallel structure. I call it teh funnay.

 


The Cardinal Community on-line is a great way to keep our community involved in campus issues and events.  Over the past year our campus has the enjoyed the rich information/discussion that has been shared.

The Cardinal Community on-line should not be used as a vehicle to discuss faculty, staff, administrators or follow students.  We are a caring community and it is important we have open discussions that do not degrade or slander someone's name or reputation. 

We recognize that everyone have opinions and have a right to voice those opinions.  However, when opinions use specific names and/or refer to specific identifiable people we have cross of the line of a compassion community.

Please continue to use the Cardinal Community on-line as positive tool for open forum while assisting use in maintaining a level of professionalism and compassion for others.

Thanks.

Yes, COSBI was indeed responsible for this one. We re-posted this email on Cardinal-On-Line the very same day and made fun of it. 

 



Students:

How would you like to have the chance to cream your favorite administrator or staff member with a whipped cream pie during last blast?

Joe Aini (Director of career services), Ben Beres (RD), John Brunner (security guard), Corey King (VP of Student Affairs), Rob Kulpa (Director of Activities), Nikki Leaverton (RD), Toni Moran (2003-2004 Student Gov. Pres), and Katie Tarara (RD) have all volunteered to be a part of a fundraiser for the class gift for the classes of 2003, 2004, 2005, and 2006.

This is how it will work.  Every day during the week of April 22-25 (the week after Easter Break), there will be jars outside the B-room from 12-1 and 5-6.  Vote for your favorite person, and win a chance to throw the pie at the person who raises the most money.  For every $1 "vote" you make, you get your name in the jar from which the "pie thrower" will be drawn.  The pie throwing will take place at
5:30 during dinner on Last Blast (Saturday the 26th).  Thus, you must be present then to win.

This one just ended up sounding weird.

 


SPRING FORMAL
Tonight is the annual IHC Spring Formal at River City from 9 pm to 1 am.  Buses will provided transportation from the CET circle located next to Kirby Hall.  There will be one bus and it will start running at 8:30pm and run in half hour increments. The bus will be in CET circle. It will start bringing people back to school from River City at 12:30am until 1:30am will be the last bus trip back to school. $15 per person and $25 per couple.  Tickets are on sale in front of the B-room during lunch hours.  Come and enjoy an elegant evening at River City.

LATE NIGHT BREAKFAST
Join us for Late Night Breakfast in the B-room on Monday, May 5th from 9 pm to 11 pm.  The faculty and staff will on hand to serve you during this final exam time.

RESIDENCE HALL CLOSING
The residence halls will close for all non graduating seniors on Saturday, May 10th at 4 pm.   All residents must sign up with their RAs for proper check out.  The halls close for graduating seniors on Sunday, May 18 at NoonDuring exam week the halls will have 24 quiet hours.  Please respect your fellow residents during finals week.

GRADUATING SENIORS
Just a note that tickets for the Baccalaureate Reception have been distributed to all graduating seniors.  Additional tickets are $18 each.  If you lose your tickets you will have to purchase new ones.  NO EXCEPTIONS!  You should have received SENIOR WEEK 2003 information via your campus box.

The unrelated thoughts in the first paragraph are almost as funny as the missing words in the second. Looking for grammatical errors is a bit like a treasure hunt.

 


JUST A REMINDER THAT LATE NIGHT BREAKFAST WILL BE SERVED IN THE
B-ROOM FROM
9-11 PM TONIGHT!!

Please don't ask how often we'd see something like this.

 


 Wellness Programs
For up to date information on Wellness Programs, please visit the University Activities Calendar at www.wju.edu/about/calendars.asp

Student Government
Please see attachment for information from student government.

Theater Guild
Please see attachment for information from the Theater Guild.

Thank you for sending us emails that direct us elsewhere. Very handy and informative.

 


"ENTREPRENEURS OF COLOR"

A MENTOR-MENTEE SOCIAL EVENT
You are not obligated to join the Mentor Program by attending this event.

Cultural/Intellectual Wellness Credit
OPEN TO ALL

Come meet some of our local entrepreneurs of colors -
Business owners, doctors, restaurant owners, scientist researcher.
They will be sharing with you their experiences, challenges and advise.


September 29 th ,
Monday
5:00 PM
Alumni Erickson Center

I still don't understand completely why this one is as funny as it is.



SGA INFORMATION
SOPH STAND OFF!  SOPHOMORE STAND OFF for VP who will it be VOTE TODAY ONLINE
www.cardinal.wju.edu    DEBATE: tues night
8:30 Worldview Lounge (back of coffee shop) Close 2
the library!   FINALS... wed & thurs

This one is also a little over-the-top in terms of being surreal.



SEE ATTACHED MEMO FOR DETAILS AND IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

Yeah. Okay. We get it.



BUSINESS OFFICE
Students will receive letters this week concerning finalization of outstanding payment with the Business Office.  The letter contained information that a representative from the Business Office available outside the benedum room (B Room) on Wednesday and Thursday October 8th and 9th between the hours of
7:30 a.m. and 2 p.m.

These are the sort that make one question the actual value of a higher education.



MARK YOUR CALENDARS AS WHEELING JESUIT UNIVERSITY PREPARES TO CELEBRATE FAMILY/HOMECOMING WEEKEND 2003.  THERE ARE A VARIETY OF ACTIVITIES PLAN FOR A FUN, SPIRITED WEEKEND.

WE WILL WELCOME FAMILY, ALUMNI, AND FRIENDS OF THE UNIVERSITY BACK TO CELEBRATE OUR PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE.  I HOPE YOU WILL TAKE TIME TO PARTICIPATE IN THE EVENTS THAT WEEKEND.

PLEASE FIND A FULL SCHEDULE OF ACTIVITIES AT WWW.WJU.EDU (AT THE BOTTOM).

GO CARDINALS!!!!!!

A hilarious tense problem in the first paragraph graduates this email from the realm of annoying the realm of immortal (the facetious team spirit isn't fooling anyone either).



Individual class cancellation notices from this point forward are not official unless printed on red logo WJU stationary and they can also check Blackboard under Academic Announcements for cancellations.

A personal favourite of mine, as it introduced the idea of self-aware paper into the WJU universe.



SEXUAL RESPONSIBILITY WEEK

The purpose of Sexual Responsibility Week is to educate students in several different aspects of sexual responsibility including spiritual, emotional, and physical, while upholding the Jesuit and Catholic ideals of this University. This will be done throughthoughtful passive and active programming.

I just like the last sentence.



On Tuesday afternoon, Fr. Mike set his ficus tree outside the McHugh wing door--so that the tree could get some sun.  When he returned, the tree had disappeared.  Perhaps someone thought it had been pitched, or thrown away.

Fr. Mike would like his tree back, or minimally the nice pot that it was in, so if anyone has it--just return it to McHugh.  Thanks.

This one is funny mostly because I have always had a vision of Father Mike walking out of McHugh on a sunny day with a vacant look on his face, scratching his mullet and staring at the sky, wondering who, or what, could have taken his plant.



Wheeling Jesuit University
FALL BREAK 2004 INFORMATION

 

  • Fall Break is October 8 (after last class) through October 12, 2004
  • The Residence Halls will close at noon on October 9 th and will re-open on the 12 th at noon.  Classes will resume on Wednesday, October 13th. 
  • Lunch will be the last board meal on October 8th and Late Night will be the first board meal on October 12th .
  • Fire Safety Inspections will take place so please unplug everything except your refrigerator.
  • Students requesting to stay during this break must complete a Request to Stay form by October 5th­these forms may be picked up in The Office of Housing and Residence Life, 201 Swint Hall. 
  • Any Student that fails to complete the “Request to Stay Form” by October 5, 2004 will be charged $25.00 a day during break.
  • All Wheeling Jesuit Policies will be enforced during Fall Break.  Please refer to the Student Handbook found on-line at www.wju.edu
Any damages concurred during Fall break will be placed on the responsible student and/or residence hall cooperate damage account.

Pay particular attention to the last paragraph. I suppose I should be happy that classes didn't "resumed" anymore.



On Friday October 29th, 2004 Lot B (lot behind the library) will close at 6:30am to all traffic.  This lot will be used for guests attending the University Recommitment Mass and Installation.  The lot will reopen at 11:00amSwint Circle will also be closed Thursday at 6 pm until Friday at 11 am.

These instructions were heeded by no one, mostly because no one knew what the instructions were.



THERE ARE "STUDY BREAK" EVENTS PLANNED THIS WEEK.  FROM 9-11 PM IN THE RATT/HEADLINERS IS FOOD AND MUSIC.  THIS IS OPEN TO EVERYONE.  SEE ATTACHMENT!

And by "STUDY BREAK", I mean "PUBLIC EXECUTION" !!

 


On Tuesday, February 22nd the university will join the Diocesan of Wheeling-Charleston in welcoming the new Bishop.  The Bishop's reception will be on campus beginning at 4:30 pm.  We will block off Swint Circle for VIP's and handicap.  We will utilize the upper lot behind the library for other vehicles (not blocked off).  The NTTC lot and Sara Tracy lot will be used for overflow (not blocked off).  We will park buses in the Donahue lot and the bus spaces in the NTTC lot.  We also have high school buses coming at 4:30pm and will park them on Currie Drive.

Please use this information in planning your campus travels.

Thanks.

Another parking related email. I'm not so sure what "campus travels" means, either.



March 30, 2005

TO: Wheeling Jesuit University Community
FR: Rev. Joseph R. Hacala, S.J.
RE: Corey King/Student Affairs

Recently, Corey King informed me that he intended to leave
Wheeling Jesuit
University to pursue other opportunities in the south and in higher
education. In order to have some transition time with family, Corey has
requested leaving WJU on April 8th.

Corey represented the University's mission through his selfless dedication
to the students, unique commitment to the community, and valuable
contributions to the campus.
I am appointing Cindy Greco as the Executive Officer for the area of
Student Affairs.

Oh yes, we were sad to see him go. Actually...no, not really.


BONUS EMAILS FROM GREAT WHITE MOTHER!

Future iterations of Residence Life leadership were not quite flawless in their execution of "Important Information", although they occassionally threw a few gems at us every so often. Once the emails became less funny and more boring, we knew that our fine institution had problems. Well, not really, but I like to think so.


There is an intestinal virus in the Wheeling community, impacting students at many schools in the region. Our campus is not immune to its effects.
Eight students sought treatment for this virus at the emergency room over the past week; and seven more were treated at the
Student Health Center. Campus safety is always a top concern so we alerted the campus about the virus, distributed information on its causes and how it spreads. We encourage students with symptoms to seek assistance at the Student Health
Center during normal operation hours or the Emergency Room. 

If you wish to receive more information on the virus, or if you have any concerns, please
contact me at 304-243-4422.

The email failed to mention that all affected students had also eaten bad seafood at the cafeteria a few days before. Not that it matters - the Health Center took matters into its own hands and deleted student health records anyway (also, bonus points for using "impact" as a verb in the first sentence).



To all,
I am very disappointed  to report that in the past week a group of the University light poles near Acker and Swint have been vandalized.  This is a serious and expensive destruction of property, but also a dangerous and potentially deadly act , with the exposing of electrical wires. 
We need information about this vandalism.  Anyone having leads should contact me at X 4422 or Steve Habursky, Director of Security at X 4453.  Thank you.

Naughty, naughty.