From the front desk of Corey King, former Vice-President of Student Affairs at Wheeling Jesuit University.
At Wheeling Jesuit University, it is certain that there will always be notable individuals who will earn notoriety on campus. Whether the person in question is a student, a faculty member, a staff member, or (God forbid) part of the administration, it is relatively easy to become a figure whose personality becomes forever intertwined with campus culture through repeated acts of social impropriety.
As such, there are few who attended Wheeling Jesuit University between 2002 to 2005 who will forget Corey King, the former Vice-President of Student Affairs. Prior to Great White Mother, the Residence Life party was headed by the Conqueror of Grammar himself, and his emails were a daily source of amusement for all who read them. There really is no greater bond of friendship than tears of laughter shed together, and so, I dedicate this page to Mr. Corey King, who made life at Wheeling Jesuit University so much more surreal.
If you'd like to learn more about Corey King, Important Information, or Residence Life, please see their appropriate Uncylcopedia entries. You might learn a thing or two.
Compiled from emails sent by Residence Life to the university community between February, 2003 and September, 20005
ATTENTION ON CAMPUS STUDENTS! WE NEED TO ASSIST WITH MOVING YOUR CARS ON CAMPUS IN ORDER FOR US TO GET TO THE SNOW. PHYSICAL PLANT IS HERE TO ASSIST IF NEEDED. PLEASE ASSIST US.
The beauty of many of these emails lies in the choice of font and colour, although this one in particular stands very well on its own.
This mistake ended up being a common theme in many of Mr. King's emails - that is, using "and" to link two unrelated thoughts. I guess snotty English majors refer to this as lack of parallel structure. I call it teh funnay.
The Cardinal Community on-line is a great way to keep our community involved in campus issues and events. Over the past year our campus has the enjoyed the rich information/discussion that has been shared.
Yes, COSBI was indeed responsible for this one. We re-posted this email on Cardinal-On-Line the very same day and made fun of it.
This one just ended up sounding weird.
The unrelated thoughts in the first paragraph are almost as funny as the missing words in the second. Looking for grammatical errors is a bit like a treasure hunt.
JUST A REMINDER THAT LATE NIGHT BREAKFAST WILL BE SERVED IN THE
Please don't ask how often we'd see something like this.
Thank you for sending us emails that direct us elsewhere. Very handy and informative.
"ENTREPRENEURS OF COLOR"
I still don't understand completely why this one is as funny as it is.
This one is also a little over-the-top in terms of being surreal.
SEE ATTACHED MEMO FOR DETAILS AND IMPORTANT INFORMATION.
Yeah. Okay. We get it.
These are the sort that make one question the actual value of a higher education.
MARK YOUR CALENDARS AS WHEELING JESUIT UNIVERSITY PREPARES TO CELEBRATE FAMILY/HOMECOMING WEEKEND 2003. THERE ARE A VARIETY OF ACTIVITIES PLAN FOR A FUN, SPIRITED WEEKEND.
A hilarious tense problem in the first paragraph graduates this email from the realm of annoying the realm of immortal (the facetious team spirit isn't fooling anyone either).
Individual class cancellation notices from this point forward are not official unless printed on red logo WJU stationary and they can also check Blackboard under Academic Announcements for cancellations.
A personal favourite of mine, as it introduced the idea of self-aware paper into the WJU universe.
SEXUAL RESPONSIBILITY WEEK
I just like the last sentence.
On Tuesday afternoon, Fr. Mike set his ficus tree outside the McHugh wing door--so that the tree could get some sun. When he returned, the tree had disappeared. Perhaps someone thought it had been pitched, or thrown away.
This one is funny mostly because I have always had a vision of Father Mike walking out of McHugh on a sunny day with a vacant look on his face, scratching his mullet and staring at the sky, wondering who, or what, could have taken his plant.
Wheeling Jesuit University
Pay particular attention to the last paragraph. I suppose I should be happy that classes didn't "resumed" anymore.
On Friday October 29th, 2004 Lot B (lot behind the library) will close at 6:30am to all traffic. This lot will be used for guests attending the University Recommitment Mass and Installation. The lot will reopen at 11:00am. Swint Circle will also be closed Thursday at 6 pm until Friday at 11 am.
These instructions were heeded by no one, mostly because no one knew what the instructions were.
THERE ARE "STUDY BREAK" EVENTS PLANNED THIS WEEK. FROM 9-11 PM IN THE RATT/HEADLINERS IS FOOD AND MUSIC. THIS IS OPEN TO EVERYONE. SEE ATTACHMENT!
And by "STUDY BREAK", I mean "PUBLIC EXECUTION" !!
On Tuesday, February 22nd the university will join the Diocesan of Wheeling-Charleston in welcoming the new Bishop. The Bishop's reception will be on campus beginning at 4:30 pm. We will block off Swint Circle for VIP's and handicap. We will utilize the upper lot behind the library for other vehicles (not blocked off). The NTTC lot and Sara Tracy lot will be used for overflow (not blocked off). We will park buses in the Donahue lot and the bus spaces in the NTTC lot. We also have high school buses coming at 4:30pm and will park them on Currie Drive.
Another parking related email. I'm not so sure what "campus travels" means, either.
March 30, 2005
Oh yes, we were sad to see him go. Actually...no, not really.
Future iterations of Residence Life leadership were not quite flawless in their execution of "Important Information", although they occassionally threw a few gems at us every so often. Once the emails became less funny and more boring, we knew that our fine institution had problems. Well, not really, but I like to think so.
There is an intestinal virus in the Wheeling community, impacting students at many schools in the region. Our campus is not immune to its effects.
If you wish to receive more information on the virus, or if you have any concerns, please
The email failed to mention that all affected students had also eaten bad seafood at the cafeteria a few days before. Not that it matters - the Health Center took matters into its own hands and deleted student health records anyway (also, bonus points for using "impact" as a verb in the first sentence).
(c) 2006 Wheeling Jesuit University: Cardinal On-Line Social Board Intelligencia