Useful Duck finds solace in religion for the world's ills.

Useless Duck got ordained online by "The Church of Love".
Useful Duck approximates pi^2 = 10.
Useless Duck pipettes by mouth*.
(thanks Ankur)

Useful Duck's old vaudeville act was once so well loved such that he has become something of a historical footnote.

Uselesss Duck heard he died after eating PopRocks while drinking a Coke.

Useful Duck always leaves things better than the way he found them.
Useless Duck hid your remote in the couch.

Useful Duck keeps 1 cent stamps in case you need one.
Useless Duck set up a spam server.

Useful Duck cleans old Ms. Macabee's guttering.

Useless Duck throws your frisbee on Ms. Macabee's roof.

Useful Duck is a good reminder of what a duck should look like.

Useless Duck is of no help to people with mild to severe cases of semantic dementia.
(by Fash+4ward)

Useful Duck is inspired by a crusading and entertaining TV personality

to dedicate his life to protecting wildlife and braving the unknown.
Useless Duck is inspired by a crusading and entertaining TV personality
to dangle infants near large, brainless carnivores.

Useful Duck wouldn't dream about leaving his bag unattended.
Useless Duck reports all drag-queens to TSA-Agents.

Useful Duck is filling in for Useless Duck today.

Amazing how UselessDuck's birthday is always rescheduled to a Monday.

Useful Duck's latest artwork elicits gasps and stares of awe.

So did Useless Duck' the city had to call Useful Tern with his Sandblaster.

Useful Duck is proud to show his mother how he came home from market

with a new milk cow WITHOUT spending a farthing;
Useless Duck can't wait to show his mother the trick with the magic beans.

Useful Duck pitches fast to make the game more watchable.

Useless Duck can’t turn the double play due to the beer in his throwing hand.
(courtesy of the WADder)

Useful Duck helps Boy Scouts get their merit badges.
Useless Duck helps strippers get their pasties.
(From our good friend my-T-Fine)
Useful Duck will replace your lawnmower's spark plugs.
Useless Duck points out your hair plugs.
(Via satellite from RunawayTrain)
Useful Duck will organize your photo album.
Useless Duck will hide cameras in your bathroom.
(From JumpinJax)

Useful Duck gets your lady friend in the mood with his Marvin Gayesque vocals.
Useless Duck points out that 3 of 4 young persons has a "social disease".
(a choadalicious thought)

Useful Duck makes you a birthday cake.
Useless Duck comes to your party at the aquarium and tells the keeper to make the penguins stop "being intimate".


Useful Duck will haggle for you at a yard sale.
Useless Duck will haggle for you at McDonalds.
(Special thanks to "DaGuvenator")

Useful Duck supports public transportation initiatives.
Useless Duck draws moustaches on people who sleep on the bus.
( "SenileFelineS")

Useful Duck teaches youngsters how to swim.
Useless Duck pretends to drown so he can make it with the lifeguard.
(From "Boysters&Muscles")

Motorists drive on the tunnel road paved by Useful Duck
Too bad they don't know the massive concrete slabs in the ceiling above were designed by Useless Duck.


Useful Duck RSVPs to every invitation.
Useless Duck thinks private parties mean "no pants."

Useful Duck knows the Dewey Decimal System.
Useless Duck reads Danielle Steele.
(By way of "2_4_Da_Munny")

Useful Duck always says "please" and "thank you."
Useless Duck shouldn't be quoted.
(Live, from W8n4GDoe)

Useful Duck purchases fresh fruit and vegetables daily toward his daily goal to "strive for five".
Useless Duck spent last week vomiting because he ate the questionable foodstuffs in the fridge after the blackout.
(There are some who call me...Technicolour Yanni)

Useful Duck clips coupons.
Useless Duck saves news articles on Hasselhoff.

Useful Duck preheats his oven to make perfect pies.
Useless Duck thinks gasoline and lighter fluid are interchangeable.

Useful Duck knows the difference between channel locks and vice grips.
Useless Duck is offended when you ask for dikes.

Useful Duck sweeps the sidewalk.
Useless Duck sweeps his filth under the rug.

Useful Duck can greet you in >10 languages.
Useless Duck laughs at foreigners.

Maniuplative Stalinist Ducks have made poor, deluded Useful Duck into their propagandist tool.
Useless Duck, "working" in Stalinist Ducks' DMV, receives some of the broadcasts.
(Tooling for BostonCream3.14159...)

Useful Duck's documentary on the Ethiopian architectural history is on.
Useless Duck is flipping channels looking for boobs and/or slasher flicks.

Useful Duck limits his carbon footprint.
Useless Duck buys bigger boots.

Useful Duck donates to worthy causes.
Useless Duck buys 40's for the homeless.

("LiveFromNY" )

You can use Useful Duck's beak to open beer bottles.
Useless Duck isn't even confortable to sit on.


Useful Duck's team can build a four-story, four star hotel in five days!
Fortunately, Useless Duck, the contractor, can keep them employed on site at least two months
--- and that's without help from inspector Useless Grebe, who issues permits for the city.
(ClickforAwesomeODetail, UselessGrebeFan!)

"Who will help me sow the wheat, reap the wheat, mill the grain,
knead the dough, and bake the bread?" asked Useful Duck.

"Not I!" said the secretary bird.
"Not I!" said the bonobo.
"Not I!" said the pangolin.
"Is that a 'good carb' or a 'bad carb'?" said Useless Duck.


Useless Duck's office is too cold for him to type responses to the reviews of his paper on supersymmetric string theory.
Useful Duck to will fix the heating post-haste.

Useful Duck protests (outside Free Speech Zones) against stolen US elections.
Useless Duck votes by text message for the next American Idol.

Useful Duck is, for good reason, one of the most beloved staff members at the happy happy zoo.
Useless Duck is only allowed to keep pet rocks since the SPCA was called to deal with a "spider plant abuse situation".


Useful Duck brims with witty comments for his blog.
"Oh, help me, woe is me!" whines Useless Duck. "I hope someone will send me material for my blog!"
(snarky sanjay, via the comments)

Useful Duck covers his mouth when he coughs.
Useless Duck avenges his cousins, the spotted owls, by spreading Bird Flu.
(Don't vector your illnesses to me, kids)

Useful Duck visits friends even after death through a medium.
Useless Duck can't even pick up the phone!

(Sorry, B.E.K)

Useful Duck gets called "Sugar Tits" while just trying to do his job.
Useless Duck reads about it in "People".
(Via Sanjay)

Useful duck knows when he's supposed to be on deck.
Useless duck giggles immaturely whenever he's in the hole.




Useful Duck adopts forsaken Chinese girl ducklings.
Useless Duck leaves eggs in front of abortion clinics.

(courtesy of chazadillyoffdaknilly)


 Useful Duck has accurate and detailed medical advice.
Useless Duck gives you beer when you have stomach flu.




Useful Duck stocks up in case of an emergency.
Useless Duck saves spam to read on rainy days.
(By way of "TimBuck2")




Useful Duck cooks you dinner.
Useless Duck pours salt in your wounds.

(brought to you by uncle al the kiddie's pal)


Useful Duck saved a drowning child just a couple minutes ago
You can read all about it on Useless Duck's blog!




Useful Duck serves soup at the homeless shelter.
Useless Duck serves soup on the tennis court.

(Submitted by "LoveIsNotAFamilyValue")



Useful Duck is a good listener
Useless Duck is good at listening to his iPod

(courtesy of ducknoodlesoup)



 Useful Duck fixes my internets.

Useless Duck and his many loud children annoy the crap out of other people on the bus.



 Useful Duck irons your clothes.
Useless Duck pops his collar.
(Via TheresYourAnswerFishbulb)



 Useful Duck saves daddy the big piece of chicken.
Useless Duck wears clear stiletto heels.   
(By way of EverybodylovesYourDad) 



 Useful Duck volunteers daily to help old ladies and young children cross the street.
Useless Duck volunteered as a nurse without indicating that he only approves of the use of windex and 'tussin.

(Courtesy KnuckleslovesChris) 




 Useful duck makes you the perfect cocktail.
Useless Duck slows down cocktail waitresses with his less than honorable behaviour.

(Via Crazy Canooks) 



 Useful Duck gets called "Sugar Tits" while just trying to do his job.

 Useless Duck reads about it in "People".

(Via Sanjay) 




 Useful Duck gets a fire started and gets fish for his tribe.

Useless Duck was just included because he looks hot in a bikini. 

(Thanks TheTribeHasSpoken)



 Useful Duck campaigns for women's health issues.
Useless Duck has a "Free Breast Exams" hat.

(By SeriouslyYouGuys)



Useful Duck brings your slippers.

Useless Duck swallowed your paper.

(By ThatHappenedOnce!)



Useful Duck gives you helpful directions. 

Useless Duck plays in traffic.

(via Corncakes) 



Useful Duck shuts his beak while you design coversheets for your TPS reports.
Useless Duck 'kills the joe without making some mo'.
(via ClutchJunior)




 Useful Duck promptly returns email.

 Useless Duck takes up precious bandwidth watching fetish films.

(chizzizzzle is a sick sick man.) 




 Useful Duck employs his unlimited and farsighted intellect with the all important task of advancing understanding of the most important and critical pillars of scientific and technological advancement.  

Useless Duck runs stop signs in front of police stations.

(Via Release and Charlotte)



Useful Duck always weighs the pros and cons.
Useless Duck tells time with a barometer.

 (By the order of StopStalin)



Useful Duck limits his intake of LDLs.
Useless Duck broke the lamp trying to eat light. 

(Thanks to 3Fecta)


Useful Duck reads Sun Tzu in the original Chinese.
Useless Duck surrendered to France.

(By way of ChopSticky)



Useful Duck plays checkers with the elderly.
Useless Duck loses at Clue against Alzheimer's patients. 

(and this just in from Xanadon't)



Useful Duck brings a second umbrella for his date.
Useless Duck TiVos the weather channel. 

(Fresh from the presses of  Maid4TeeVee) 



When Useful Duck mops the floor, you can eat off it.

When Useless Duck does the laundry, your underwear turns grey.

(from JBamberIsNotGay) 



 Useful Duck marks up his screenplay to include Robert Altman's criticisms.   

Useless Duck has stolen set pieces from multiple Farelly brothers movies.




Useful Duck's architecture firm engineers the aesthetic of quaint downtowns, particularly ones full of play areas and green spaces, within very short and easy walks of pleasant and energy-efficient homes.

Useless Duck is a 'barista' at a Starbucks in just such a town.

(from AaronCmakesTurdSandwichlooklikeaTalkingDouche) 




Useful Duck 's souffle rises in a perfect crown.  

Useless Duck forgot to add the frozen peas to the Ramen.

(Via BerzerkeleyFoodie) 




Useful Duck loves America.

Useless Duck injects Floyd Landis with dope.

(by way of Chaknuckles) 




Useful Duck checks the oil level whenever he fills the tank.

 Useless Duck locked himself out with the engine running again. 

(For 2White2BHip)


 Useful Duck just renewed his CPR license.     

Useless Duck just got rejected at yet another reality show.

(From the email of K.A.S) 



Useful Duck appreciates Bartok's strange tonality, but can "duck walk" with Chuck Berry.  

Oops, Useless Duck did it again!

(By way of JazzDaddy) 



Useful Duck home-runs or runs home. 

Useless Duck hits'em right back at the pitcher.

(Submitted by senoritasorrysack) 




 Useful Duck always has le mot juste.  

Useless Duck comes up with a zinger 3 days later but is too chicken to hit 'Send'.

(Thanks to Sanjay)




Useful Duck complies with OSHA regulations. 

Useless Duck thinks Anime is child-friendly.

(From the desk of The Quantum Hedgehog)



Useful Duck helps with yard work.

Useless Duck eats all your easter candy.

(By way of Sellon)



Useful Duck teaches little ducklings not to drink alcohol. 

Useless Duck just pissed his feathers. 

 (By way of DuckAfficionado)




Useful Duck can make a creme brulee.

Useless Duck paints himself into corners.

(by way of TiarFruck) 



Useful Duck Buys his spouse flowers.

 Useless Duck forgot the safe word.

 (by way of LipsNHips47)



 Useful Duck eats munchkins out of the hands of toddlers.       

Useless Duck attacks puppies being walked. 

(By way of Asheen)




 Useful Duck bought you Poison tickets.    

Useless Duck forgot the anti-venom.

(Courtesy of Dr_Hyde) 



 Useful Duck put fresh batteries in the remote.  

 Useless Duck unplugged Grandma's respirator.

 (Demanded by LazySnoozan)



Useful Duck minds his Ps&Qs.   

Useless Duck just puked in your fridge. 

(courtesy ScottD)




Useful Duck writes his congressman about policy.  

Useless Duck teaches haemophiliacs to shave.  

 (by suggestion of GwarTheWin) 




Useful Duck makes a mean cup of coffee. 

Useless Duck is incapable of taking dictation. 

(courtesy AtticusFinch)




Useful Duck eats things that will make him delicious.

 Useless Duck is afraid of drowning. 

 (a suggestion of Dirty Dan and Giggles)


Useful Duck does tricks for food. 

Useless Duck isn't hungry, but will poop everywhere. 

(a suggestion of puppykicker007) 



Useful Duck will help you with your taxes.

Useless Duck left your baby in the car.

(by request for Jailbait2006) 



Useful Duck teaches orphans how to read. 

Useless Duck can't even catch.

(a suggestion of RDL)