Philosophy of Existence

The End of the World  

Let me get this straight. I mean for once in a seemingly all eternity I want to get this right, all of it. Why does anything exists instead of nothing at all? If it was true that in the beginning there was nothing at all, and if it is true that right now there is at least 'something at all'; then how is it that nothing can ever become something. For zero to become something other than and greater than zero is akin to and as seemingly impossible as a finite number becoming infinity. Or perhaps it is impossibility and contradiction that rules the world? Instead of perfection.

Just maybe it could be the other way around. For it is equally fair to ask, why is there Nothing at all instead of 'something at all'. There is literally nothing (excuse the pun) that dictates that the default state of 'being' (existence and/or/xnor/etc non - 'existence') must favor there being 'something' or 'nothing'. So perhaps the true nature of reality is more nondualistic and the concepts of 'nothing' and 'something' are really just different expressions and manifestations of the one same holistic all inclusive essence of essence. Perhaps it is our modes of perception that makes us believe there are categorical differences of experience, that there is a distinction between nothing and something, good and evil, perfection and imperfection.

Then again, these 'modes of perception' are like keys fitting into locks, catalyzing whenever they match and that resultant reaction points to what is a parallel canonical qualia and experience of 'what it is likeness' running seamlessly alongside the so called chemical reactions in the so called physical body. If information is just patterns, and differences that make a difference, can we not assume that 'modes of perception' really do boil down to 'pattern-simplicity-form' and that this core essence just is, just be. Would this not be the 'IT' that we are talking about? That lesser fools refer to as God? That the upside down and inside out assbackwards scientific community and Western paradigm of 'Great Thought' pursues in the name of the astrophysical holy grail aka "theory of everything"? Something, nothing, zero, one, infinity, a distinct unique impression of pleasure and beauty, all always meaning the exact same thing!?!

A priori assumptions. Before 'I' was born there was no 'I'. 'After' I was born all I know is that I was thrown into this world, whatever the reality of this world and existence really is, I am now inside, amongst, and a part of this 'thing'. And for all I know, I can reasonably assume that one day in the not too distant future I will die and cease to exists in the form of existence as we know of. Perhaps it will just be like the non-experience that I dis-experienced before my birth, or perhaps I will simply start over in this cyclic never-ending and no-beginning loop. Maybe time and space are just convient distinctions that my self makes so I can experience something at all, to know what it is like to exists, and BE, and to play this game of life. Absolute cannot experience without splitting itself into the many relative(s). And perhaps it is true that 'modes of perception' and 'pattern-simplicity-form' can only said to 'exists' within the relative concept and aspect of the one all encompassing Absolute totality IT.

I desire completion, perfection, absolution, certainty, rest, meditative Zen like beingness of existence, essential equilibrium and constant non-changing everlasting elated happiness bliss, joy and love.

But maybe there is no 'I' at all?! Perhaps there is no 'ghost in the machine' after all, no true puppet master, no doer or seer, no 'I', just pure raw existential experience and canonical qualia. Or maybe there is an 'I' and ONLY one 'I', and all things and beings are interrelated and interconnected through this hive mind, this information matrix, this biggest-picture and most general and abstract top-down bird's eye view perspective. This could be 'IT', the root of roots, light of light, essence of essence, reality of reality, the pinnacle point that all existence and manifestation spring out of and forth from, the highest point summit and yet the lowest common denominator ground that we all share.

If that's the case, wouldn't it seem that after all, it was much ado about nothing? It could be said that all existence, all layers of reality, domains and realms are equally valid. Because from a strictly direct and straightforward approach to this, everything is "IT", you simply can't ever run away from 'IT' or be lost or not find 'IT'. Everything IS already IT, and it couldn't have ever been NOT IT! And then we are back to square one. We can and have to again choose what it is we want to believe, who we want to fall in love with, what kind of life that we want to live, the person we choose to become, and the world within a world that we shall create for ourselves.

And a much easier square it is of course! I can surely say, that at this stage in my life I am fairly certain that I know what I want out of life. This much is for sure, at the very least I know EXACTLY what I DON'T WANT. Process of elimination is not unlike Evolutionary Darwinism.

In my ideal world: I would not own a TV or a Computer. Neither would I use electromagnetic devices such as a radio or Ipod or a cellphone if I didn't absolutely have to. Nor would I have any use for fancy cars, hi-tech gadgets, or big extravagant house (even if money was never an issue and I could afford anything I wanted.. I don't want it). It goes without saying I would not be religious person in any way. I would never read any Bible, or go to any one of many/all equally retarded Churches. I would also not be involved in politics, in the so called 'community/volunteer' (not because I am stingy or mean, but because I see through the uselessness of it all, and besides my priority is more important) I would definitely not be an academic erudite or career workaholic.

Social circles are of zero importance to me. I am a line, myself and wishfully one other person who is so special to me. Lawyers, Doctors, Businessmen and Politicians are people of Mars as far as I'm concerned. I do "understand" what they are and what they do, which really ironically makes it that much more impossible to understand why they continue to be the monsters that they are. But I guess someone has to do the dirty work, the necessary evil per se, but that somebody is not going to be me. It's not worth it, what [they] make you give. The same goes for being a police or soldier or anything related to law enforcement or defense or national security and the military. I say this not really based on any moral grounds or anti-war reasons, but because its really just not for me, if I'm going to risk my life for anyone it will be someone so special. Society and nation and humanity at large mean as much to me as I mean to the rest of them. Some people will never 'get it', and its probably better that way as well.

I've decided to stay away from Google and everything Google related, Myspace, Facebook, etc ( as in forever) . I won't ever go to the movies or watch TV again. I guess I know enough to know how to regain my life back. All I have to do is do it. I'll check my email at most once a day, keep just one email address, and never "surf the internets" again. Chess is EVIL and so is MILK. So are a lot of things. I can now cut off the grid (so to speak) and come up with ideas and stories to interest and amuze and inspire myself, all on my own. And I shall do so.

To that end, I've also decided to not read up on the 'news' anymore (in any way, manner, fashion, method, or form). I see the bigger picture and I know pretty much what all will happen, let the detials work themselves out, I care not to be apart of it all. Magazines, Reader's Digests, Self-Help Books, Romance Novels, Encyclopedias, and all are equally ridiculous. Romance Novels I actually like, but the stories are always limited in scope, they don't scale to the real world, I can't make it a part of my own life experience. In essence, its 'alive-ness' and realness is limited to the novel itself, but I crave something so much more. So I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm tired of running in circles and never getting anywhere. To believe that books, the internet, religion or "freedom" and the hypocritic "way of life" will ever change anything or ever result in anything meaningful or of true value, is dead foolish. There is a way and I have to find it myself.

I'd like very much to live an intimate, loving, enlightened and passionate life and to share this with one other being. We would enjoy each and every moment of our connected existence together, to bask in the meditative and orgasmic state of infinite pure love, radiant joy, permeating bliss and everlasting happiness. We would surround each other's heart, soul, body and spirit in a blanket of tender loving intimacy and the sweetest contentment and satisfaction, wave after infinite wave of the most exquisite pleasure. She would be the most wonderful awe-inspiring person that I could ever meet. Distinctions and analytical overlays and labels such as friend, lover, wife, companion, soulmate and twinsoul would not really matter, for they will all melt away and blend together and become one and the same. To me she is none of these and all of them at the same time! Our love and union surely reflects and mirrors the omnium multiverse and the totality of grand existence and its superpositional, holistic and nondualistic nature. She is who is in front of me at the very end of my search. I love her with a different kind of love, the best kind. We find that the deepest source of true happiness comes from within each of us, our own essence reaching and eminating across space and time to comfort, love, pleasure and cherish one another.

Our bedroom would be our most favorite and sacred room (and not just for the reasons that most would associate with) We would be spontaneous and carefree, unlike most people since we place both our actual and ideal number one and only top priority as "each other" we don't ever fall into the trap of losing focus of what everything else such as work, money, etc was really for in the first place! We know what we want, and what we want is simply each other, to be in the presence of one another, to love and be loved, to care and be cared for, to adore and be adored. Nothing else in the world matters. We would have nothing to race to, no artificial goals and deadlines, no dream to accomplish or achieve expect for our very own, which is unique in that it is the only dream that can be brought alive simply by the act of dreaming itself.. Instead of going to the movies we would spend time in a park, or enjoy a pleasant afternoon picnic together. Fly a kite instead of renting a DVD. Instead of Las Vegas we would vacation in Disney Land. Instead of shopping at the mall or spending the day at Six Flags we would work on a mutual self improvement project together or paint each other's portrait or read a bedtime love story to each other. We would be very lazy on weekend mornings, probably snuggling and cuddling and spooning in bed until almost noon. We can be as silly and child-like as we want. We can play hide-and-seek with each other, literally and figuratively. We take turns being each others teacher and student, parent and child, 'God' and 'Goddess'. For us, being in each other's presence is the journey and the destination, the goal and the reward, the means and the end, the end all be all of it all. We would meditate together, and for each other, perhaps even placing one another as our object of meditation. We would see our reflection in each others eyes, live through one another, essence reflecting and reinforcing essence. We would be like two peas in a pod, a mutual symbiosis and bio-aura feedback loop. We may not do much in the traditional sense, but we would never be bored or boring, our calmness and zen-like meditative existence is "full" and endlessly compelling to us. In this way, we make love to each other every moment of our life, in every way possible. It is love and also so much more! It is a feeling of belonging, of finally 'coming home' after a long journey of being so hopelessly and desperately lost, it is a bonding that is stronger than superglue :) it is the epitome of life and love. It is a reflection and instance of essence of essence, real of real, light of light, love of love, source of source and IT of IT.

Probably the only thing that could ever come in the way of this dream is my inherent lustfulness. I now know that lust, like avarice, like gluttony, is a physical need no different from the pleasure one gets when eating a delicious meal after several days of starvation or drinking from the fountain of water after being severely dehydrated. It is comparable to finally being able to go to the bathroom and release all the urine from an overloaded bladder and similar to the feeling of "hanging on to dear life itself". It is a survival mechanism, a mode of survival, well in fact its all about survival. It is precisely because my ancestors and their ancestors survived that I am here today and able to even debate survival. The universe as we know it has existed for several billion years now, and yet the 'world' as we know still is in chaos and turmoil, and it still has not reached an equilibrium, so to speak. Evolution will carry on UNTIL the fateful moment when it has evolved something to the point that that something somehow STOPS all further evolution. The saying that anything that can happen will eventually happen works both ways, it is like they say a double-edge sword. I sincerely hope and wish that if I ever meet the perfect girl for me that I would allow her love for me and my love for her to override, quench and pacify any random raw indiscriminate feelings and thoughts of carnal primordial lust that surfaces. To me at least, the very real act of infidelity and just THINKING about it are one and the same thing.

Of course, I know about biology, and about evolutionary darwinism, and the fact that despite it all we are still just "advanced monkeys" and our thoughts, actions and behavior are all heavily influenced if not outright controlled by our ancestral blueprint. I also know that LOVE and lust are categorically two very distinct and different concepts, as opposite as day and night. They have nothing in common with each other and when mixed and confused for the same thing, well that leads to very dangerous situations and great disappointment, heartache and regret. But I guess its not so much about the act of sex itself as it is about the feeling of betrayal and abandonment that is triggered when someone finds out that his/her partner has chosen someone else to share that special moment with. Why do we fight ourselves? Why do we have idealistic thoughts of faithfulness and fidelity and genuine caring selfless love when our physical bodies too often indicate otherwise? Perhaps it is not ourselves that we fight. Maybe we don't fight at all. I think rather it is the subsystems within us that are doing the fighting for dominance and sovereignty. Strictly from a biological point of view, the abstract platonic existential overlays such as 'kindness', 'love', and 'cheating', 'sin' have less to do with our human made artificial labels and constructs themselves and much more to do with different "modes of survival" battling it out amongst themselves in an epic 'struggle for existence'. When we are put in an environment in which it is much more beneficial to survival that we cheat (with regards to sex and other things as well) then our individualistic 'every man for himself' "mode of survival" overrides our dormant kinder and play-by-the-rules nature. In a modern day high energy society in with laws are created for social order and structure, and Governments can afford to enforce such laws with the treat of violence, in a system in which playing fair and by the rules reaps much more long term rewards and Higher Energy Returned on Energy Invested Ratios than as opposed to cheating and taking shortcuts we automatically assume a position and mode that is more suited to that kind of environment and atmosphere. Which brings me back to the question: can we be more than just the sum of our parts? And if we can't, can we at least ignore that fact and forget the inevitable and pretend that we can?

I can imagine living the life of my dreams. Not merely thinking about it, or writing it down, but actually going OUT THERE and LIVING IT. I can imagine being with someone very special, someone who not only understands me for me, but mostly critically she supports and wholeheartedly agrees with my perspective, vision, and message. We share the same thoughts, the same personality and believes. We innately lower and let go of our guards and self defense mechanisms when around each other. Perhaps this is due to each of us somehow subconsciously recognizing and remembering each other on a deeper soul level, or perhaps its because our 'resonant frequencies' match so precisely that we are in a sense twin-souls. Our bodies, soul, and spirit acknowledges and accepts each other as part of itself, like a nature extension and/or projection of the intimate self.

I believe in the philosophy that its not what you do, but who you are with. It is natural for people to want to be in a relationship: for companionship, for love, for a sense of belonging, identity and security, for financial reasons, for procreation, for sex, for many things.. But no matter how hard you try to make a relationship perfect, or just to make it work, if you are not with the 'right person' then that is very sad indeed.. With the right person the relationship is natural and effortless. You care less about the fact that you are in a relationship and 'seeing 'someone'' and instead the emphasis is on having discovered HER the unique one of a kind girl, being with HER, making her happy.

We have a special kind of "understanding" with each other, one that transcends our culture, tradition, history, socio-biological environment and surroundings. It's almost like the two of us are exclusively "on the in" of everything, we know the secret and together make a joke and sarcastic parody of the world, the system and everything the way it is. For example, we don't play the usual games that a man and a woman unconsciously plays during courtship. We nip mother nature in the tongue, go around her, circumvent and undermine our own physical biology and all the while laugh about it too!

We instinctively trust each other, almost with an absolute "I've known you forever" kind of trust that is so intimate and otherworldly. We care about each other MORE THAN we care about ourselves. We inherently place the happiness of our beloved above that of even our own. To make a point, although this would absolutely devastate and "kill us on the inside" if it were to happen, if we found out our loved one would be happier with someone else we would want the best for them and let them go/free. Our love is definetly a selfless, wishing, sacrificial kind of love, much like the love the little mermaid had for her prince.

Our admiration of and for each other is unmatched and unsurpassed. We hold one another in the highest esteem and have tremendous and profound respect and adoration, unceasingly praising and being extremely fond of each other.

Kindness and intimacy is something that is most often reciprocated in our loving relationship. We perform random actions of kindness and sometimes for no reason at all. We fall in 'like' as well as in Love and infatuation.

I've often thought about the task of enumerating, hierarchizing, prioritizing and mapping out all the different canonical qualia, epiphenomenon, experiences, emotions, and existences, especially giving regard to the more prominent ones such as Love, Life, lust, Beauty, Pleasure, Appetite, Rest, etc. As an example, what is a distinct to the point definition of 'love'? What about of 'lust'? Yes of course from a biological perspective these are one and the same, flips sides of the same one coin labeled "mode of survival". But what about what it is like to feel and experience each of these disparate and seemingly disparate qualities of experience? Earlier I said Love and lust are as different as day and night, and from an ordinary observer's point of view it sure would seem that way. But when you get to the bottom of 'it', are different qualities of qualia and raw experiences really categorically different at all when compared in the most fundamental way? Is the visual perception of the color RED just a phase shift away in the Zero-Ontological qualia 'color wheel' from the tactic sensation of the texture of sandpaper or the olfactory fragrance of a fresh loaf of bread? I don't know yet, and maybe it doesn't really matter. You can't compare apples to oranges? Well personally I like oranges better than apples, and I'm sure when push comes to shove and you HAD TO CHOOSE some people will choose 'Good' over 'Evil', lust over Love, and vice versa. It is in these defining moments that show us who want we really want, and as a result who we actually are.

Contemporary society tells us everything is about us. Life is about getting a good education, finding a great job, pursing one's career and climbing the social economical ladder. It's all about Me, me, and ME. You know the drill. Religious scriptures and the Eastern Sages teach us to follow a different path, they would like us to believe that its NOT about us, its about defeating sin and satan, and giving your life to Christ, keeping the so called devil at bay, being righteous and selfless, denying ego of its satisfaction and false self existence. It's about relinquishing the self and staying in the light.

Well from a purely outsider point of view, I declare that nobody is making any sense. There are those who know, those who don't know, and those who don't know that they don't know. Guess which category 99.99% of the population falls into? (And I'm not just talking about this one aspect either.. ) Empirical first hand observation would dictate that it seems, as provocatively, cryptically, elliptically as it may sound, that its actually BOTH about us AND NOT about us at the same time, both subjective and objective experience are equally valid. And to choose on for the other is an exercise in self defeat and uttermost futility.

Our identity, our consciousness and awareness and sense of 'self' (what most people call the 'soul/spirit') is probably just localized embodied qualia that exists as a pattern recognizing pattern-form housed inside and within a highly complexed structure consciousness field. This consciousness field is the great simplifier in that its exists allows the creation of a mental 'workspace' gathering enumerable amounts of relevant and irrelevant information to be brought together in the subjective arena we call the 'mind'.

Through filtering and selective attention vast amounts of data can be surveyed in serial fashion. Neuronal correlates of items in focus are checked computationally for relevance. Different kinds of relevance cause different kinds of data-processing outputs to appear in the mind such as mental images; thoughts; and feelings of pleasure, pain, fear, anger, hate, love. These newly-arisen qualia are themselves then available for possible selection by attention, and if selected, their neuronal correlates would be used as input data for further processing. At the end of all the processing, the ultimate behavioral decision is frequently accompanied by a mental correlate of its own — a YES feeling, a NO feeling.

This kind of analysis control system is flexible and open-ended. Because evolution behavioral suggestion like lust, fear, hunger, anger, etc are presented mentally, they are not hardwired or hardcoded as action imperatives. Priorities can be accommodated and weighed on the fly according to dynamic circumstances and evolving situations. And to some degree it allows us wiggle room to override evolutionary messages and tendencies. Through our immersion in culture we acquire a learned hierarchy of values which can, in various circumstances, override evolution's default hierarchy. If our learning has been appropriate to our reality, then we will behave appropriately and wisely in a much wider range of circumstances than if our control system had been hard wired in another era.

What I want is… What I want? What "I" "WANT". Why is it all about me? From a subjective point of view my/the whole universe exists only because "I" am cognizant and aware of its existence. I AM the center of totality, so to speak. Everything that happens is recorded to happen only because it goes through me. I am the glue that holds everything together. So no wonder I am naturally inclined to be selfish and egotistically and so on… But if its NOT all about me, then what is it about? If there is no "I", why do "I" inquire on why there is a "I" at all as opposed to no "I" not inquiring on the non-state of nothing?

Until religion can adequately explain this phenomenon it has no explanation space for its own existence at all. As I see it, religion is nothing more than a convenient scapegoat to avoid the taboo questions, the ones we dare not ask.. Because if we ever found out the real truth, it would render the entire circuitous and roundabout entity of religion useless, superfluous and unnecessarily redundant and misleading.

We just want to eat delicious foods, drink plenty of water and be well hydrated, breathe soothing fresh air, rest and abide under a comfortable roof and a large comfy bed, be loved and cherished and adored and admired, have great sex, and generally be a happy, healthy, living alive human being. DON'T WE ALL??!???

Love. Love is at best conditionally unconditional. Reality. Reality is at best subjectively objective. We don't just decide to fall in love with the homeless on the street or any average Joe or Jane we meet on the street or in the mall. We carefully pick, scrutinize, and examine our potential mate until we deem that he/she has the qualities we are looking for, is worthy of our devotion and energy, resources and emotional focus and attention, and THEN and ONLY THEN do we consciously and subconsciously 'fall in love'. Once we fall in love it will seem retrospectively that we were 'destined' to be together, that we 'knew' all along that it was going to work out… Funny how people fool themselves without even knowing it huh? Basically, we set stringent conditions for something that end result is unconditional. You have to be 'it', but once your 'it', your 'it' forever. And as for reality, maybe there is no distinction between subjective and objective at all? In that case am 'I' the only person that actually exists and everyone else is a figment of my imagination including the girl that I am searching for? Or maybe compartmented localized consciousness gives rise to the emergent illusion of 'subjectivity' when we are all ripples and waves of the one continuous objective absolute ocean?

In the end, and even right now, I think given the fact that all life is just a game no matter how you see it or whichever perspective you choose to take, the one thing that matters most, or at least SHOULD matter most, is for each of us to find that one person most perfect for us. It is like divinity expressed through humanity. An image is projected when pure white light is shined through a film substrate. When you stare into her loving eyes you don't see an advanced primate but instead a "goddess" in disguise, a superwoman of sorts who just happens to be living on a planet infested with Kryptonite. You are not staring into an eyeball, but rather an endless eternal void, a void that is full, full of nothing, and yet full of love and essence and substance and existence, full of everything, and all the above all at once. Awe-inspiring, humbling, and infinitely compelling.

Thank you