Brooke started to transition, but then decided it was wrong. Since this essay was written, Brooke has returned to transitioning believing that transgender feelings cannot be healed. See Information on Re-publishing.

My Turning Around

by B. M.

I am not writing this to condemn anyone. This is just a brief testimony as to how my life was turned around. Maybe this will help someone else.

Searching
I am 34 years old and have been struggling with gender feelings for what seems forever. I am married with four children. I grew up on the farm in Pennsylvania and went to a Mennonite church.

Since early childhood I struggled with feelings of wanting to be a girl. I struggled with this all through my life until I was 29 years old. I started to have breast tenderness and this made my struggles worse. Nine months ago I went to see a physciatrist who diagnosed me as GID (Gender Identity Disorder). This helped; at least I knew who I was. I started to go to TG (Transgender) support group meetings; this gave me support. I started electrolysis right away. Then after six months I started on hormones.

Questions I have: Is TG God's will for my life? Would he put my wife and family through this? Is transforming a cure? Is being TG sinful?

The Struggle
I have been on HR (hormone replacement) for three months now. I am still asking God if this is right. I am asking God to release me from this. But could I handle that? How can I be a father to my three boys? What will they turn out like? Could I handle losing my family? I could not expect my wife to stay with me and change her values. I would be asking her to live a lesbian lifestyle. Talking about values, how mine have changed since I started this journey. Could I be a man again? I have to have an answer soon. My physical changes are starting to get noticeable. What is my choice to be? God help me!

I see my wife becoming more and more unhappy. I shared with my daughter about me being TG. She was confused and disappointed with me although she tried to support me. My daughter and my wife were both praying for me. They were not ready to accept losing me. My wife asked others to pray for me as well but she did not share that I was TG, only that I was struggling. Our marriage, which was at one time perfect, is now on the rocks. My wife is complaining about me being self-centered and uncaring. I would then spout off at her as not accepting me. Many nights she cried herself to sleep and I would feel horrible. I love her so much.

Relief
My electrologist does almost all the TG's in the local area. She is very supportive of us. On one of my recent visits to the electrologist, she stated to me: "You have everything any one would want, a great family, a good job, you're a good-looking man. Why are you doing this?" She went on to say that she never questioned any of her TG gals before. She just saw me throwing too much away.

Lately I started reasoning with myself. God would not want to break up families. He instituted marriage and family. What God joins together let not man take apart. I saw my values changing. When your values change and you start accepting things that at one time you considered sin, or start changing your interpretation of the scriptures and the authority of the scriptures, you need to stop and re-evaluate: Is it Satan or is it God?

Several months ago I signed up to go to a church conference. Recently I went to a three-day conference on starting small groups. I went to this as a man since it would be easier to relate to a room full of people without getting read. In the motel rooming list I was put in a room with three men of which one was my pastor. Day one and night one went okay. On day two, we were taught on how to relate to each other, how to handle dysfunctional Christians and how to help hurting Christians. Ten hours of this was too much. How I would love to relate to other Christians one-on-one, and did I ever fit into the hurting and possibly the dysfunctional category. My prayer was, "God help me! Change me!"

That night back at the motel room two people asked for prayer. We started to practice what we learned that day. We had home church. We prayed for these two brothers anointing the second one with oil for healing. During this healing service I felt the love of God flow so strong I couldn't take it anymore. I opened up spilling my guts to these three brothers. They never condemned me. They prayed for my healing and deliverance. I felt great as I went to bed. I never felt so free. I didn't sleep at all that night I just praised the Lord and prayed.

The next morning I looked into the mirror and saw me looking back. I was a good-looking young man with potential. I never saw this man before. This was the miracle I was looking for. I couldn't wait to get home to tell my wife.

My wife is elated. My daughter is so happy to have daddy back. I am happy to be back. For the first time I can remember, I don't feel like a woman. Since last week I see a man in my shoes and I am so happy. My co-workers have noticed and commented on how happy I look. My electrologist noticed on my visit that I seemed to be happy and asked what changed. I told her. She later e-mailed me stating she has never been a believer, but if there is a God he is looking out for me. God is so good!! He has delivered me from much!! (This makes me cry for joy just to type this.) Praise God!!

Looking back
I do not see being TG as sinful. But I do believe it is wrong for me to continue to live a TG lifestyle. I do still consider myself as being gender-gifted. Considering that I believe God has answered my prayers I will no longer be able to express myself as Brooke. I will miss being Brooke.

I see this as God pulling me from the clasp of the enemy. I believe Satan was trying to destroy my family, my life, my dreams, and my family's future ministry together. Satan was slowly getting me to accept his deception which was slowing changing my values.

But God Has won!!

May God bless you as you seek Him.

Love,
Brooke No More   

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