I'm a publisher. I'm so ashamed to be

slumming on this page, where have

my standards gone?

If you really are a publisher, you know your purpose in life is to publish me, lavish praise upon my  work, and reward me with great wealth. I thought that much was obvious.  For a small fee you may have a lifesize likeness of me to worship.

Just in case you'd like to comment/criticise, care for a manuscript, or anything similar,

my email address is below.

You may also wish to contact me for:

1. Co-ordinates of my residence; for air-strike convenience.

2. A small sample of my DNA, for cloning purposes.

3. The location of all my writing, so that such a literary horror can never again be unleashed (see 1.).

4. Full biographical details for Nobel prize nomination.