The Golf Outing

Pam, will you rub butter on my foot?

"The Golf Outing"

mckenna/insana

_______________________________________


FADE IN

INT—OFFICE—MORNING

MICHAEL walks in, his coat and gloves still on. He places a large cardboard box onto the couch.

PAM: (only mild curiosity)
Whatcha got there?

MICHAEL:
Ssh. It’s a surprise.

MICHAEL:
Attention, everybody.

Only JIM turns and faces MICHAEL. DWIGHT gets up and approaches MICHAEL.

DWIGHT: (whispering; nervous)
Where did you get that?

MICHAEL:
Uh, what?

DWIGHT: (eyeing the box)
Have you properly inspected it?

MICHAEL:
What?

MICHAEL goes to pick up the box, but DWIGHT quickly slaps his hand away.

DWIGHT:
I wouldn’t do that, Michael, it could be motion sensored.

MICHAEL: (baffled)
(to Dwight) What, do you think this is a bomb? Sit down, Dwight. (Dwight obeys) Honestly, I have no idea what your deal is. (to the rest of the Office) Anyway, since March has been such a great month production wise, I went out of my way and got you all a little gift.

STANLEY: (sighs)
What is it?

MICHAEL:
An aquarium.

PAM:
Michael, you bought an aquarium?

JIM:
Wow. That’s not unnecessary.

MICHAEL:
You guys deserve it.

CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE—TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL:
Who doesn’t love pets? Everybody loves animals. Has there ever been a single bad animal movie? None that I can think of. Personally, my favorite animal movie is “Dumbo”....but it wouldn’t be feasible to bring a baby elephant into the workplace. It would be flying all over the place and knocking things over. Total health hazard. So I got the next best thing: fish. Everybody loves fish movies. What was that one, where that fish Nemo got lost, and all the other fishes had to find him? God, I wish I could remember the name of it.

CUT TO—OFFICE

KELLY:
So you got us fishes? How awesome!

MICHAEL:
Um, fish. A Goldfish.

PAM:
Wait, you only got one fish?

MICHAEL:
Do you realize how much those things cost?

JIM:
Like 85 cents.

MICHAEL: (quietly)
Shuuuuuuttt it.

ANDY:
Hey, Mike, you bought a little cousin for Big Tuna!

JIM rolls his eyes.

KAREN:
Well, can we at least see the fish?

MICHAEL:
Of course, you guys earned it.

MICHAEL reaches into the box. He begins carefully lifting the aquarium out of it.

MICHAEL:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, the first ever pet of Dunder/Mifflin Scranton.

Only KELLY is looking on, clapping her hands excitedly. MICHAEL lifts the aquarium up above his head.

MICHAEL:
Ta-da!

The camera zooms in on a singular goldfish, floating upside down on the surface. KELLY cries out in horror. JIM looks at the camera amused. All is quiet for a good five seconds. Suddenly DWIGHT has found his recorder, and “Amazing Grace” can be heard above the silence of the room.

CUT TO—MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM—TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL is pouring the contents of the aquarium into the toilet.

MICHAEL: (talking loudly over the sound of the flush)
Excuse me for thinking that this was the kind of goldfish that made its own food through photosynthesis.....isis. I’m sorry I’m not physicist.


CUT TO—OPENING CREDITS

EASE IN

INT—OFFICE-DAY

The empty aquarium sits on the couch near the entrance. JIM motions towards it.

JIM:
Hey Dwight, why don't you go fill that up, stick your face in it, and see how long you can hold your breath?

DWIGHT (scoffs):
Please. I have the lung capacity of a full-grown dolphin.

CUT TO—DWIGHT IN CONFERENCE ROOM—TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT:
Every, morning as I get dressed, I hold my breath to see if I can clothe myself before I die of apnea. Why? It increases lung strength and dressing speed......but I guess it wouldn't be the most heroic way to die in case I had trouble putting on my socks....

CUT TO-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

MICHAEL is on speaker-phone with JAN.

JAN: (crossly)
......and don’t forget this time, Michael!

MICHAEL: (apologetically)
I won’t, I won’t.

CUT TO-MICHAEL’S OFFICE-TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL:
Last week, Jan and I were supposed to meet for a date at the movies. But all I could think about was getting home to see that Polish guy Sanjerina sing on American Idol...and so I forgot about Jan, and she wound up having to sit through Wild Hogs all by herself. Not only did I not see what might have been the funniest movie since Schindler’s List, but I fell asleep through American Idol.

CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE

The phone conversation is continuing.

JAN:
So you’ll be at the restaurant at eight?

MICHAEL:
You got it, Janny.

JAN:
.....anyway, the reason I called you, Michael, is to remind you of the appointment you have with Mr. McCarthy.

CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE—TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL:
Pat McCarthy, editor-in-chief of The Scranton Times. Good guy. Lovely chap. Or at least that’s what Jan tells me; I’ll admit. I know how important a client like Pat McCarthy is for Dunder/Mifflin. His paper is the largest selling newspaper in Lackawanna County. And if he were to start printing all those news stories on our paper? That’s big.

CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE

JAN:
So I can count on you, right?

MICHAEL:
Of course, Jan. You got nothing to worry about. Unless Mr. McCarthy were to have an accident.

MICHAEL laughs.

JAN:
What are you talking about?

MICHAEL:
Um…

JAN:
Was that a joke? What does that even mean?

MICHAEL: (swallows his childish giggling)
Nothing. Forget about it.

CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE—TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL:
Yeah, sometimes I do wish Jan would lighten up a little bit. She doesn’t really seem to get a lot of my jokes. They seem to just kinda float over her head. But that’s what I love about her. She’s my straight man. She’s the Kenan Thompson to my Kel Mitchell…I think (under his breath). Could never really tell those two apart.

CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE

JAN:
So are we clear on everything?

MICHAEL:
Clear as clouds.

JAN:
Um, okay. Oh, and one more thing. Don’t do anything on the golf course you might regret.

MICHAEL: (taken aback)
Um, yeah. I won’t.

JAN:
Goodbye, Michael. See you tonight.

JAN hangs up. MICHAEL looks at the camera.

MICHAEL:
One Ouiji Board. I break one Ouiji board and she never lets me hear the end of it.

CUT TO-KITCHEN

ANGELA opens the refrigerator and takes out a bottle of water. DWIGHT is sitting at the table pretending to read the newspaper.

ANGELA:
I can’t believe that you’re so opposed to getting a new car.

DWIGHT: (defensively)
Angela, I’ve had this Trans Am since 1987.

ANGELA:
Dwight, the thing barely functions. You might as well just sell it to an antique store.

DWIGHT (beginning to get angry):
Oh, but I suppose driving around in a dinky Beetle is any better.

ANGELA (very upset):
I think those cars are adorable. And if you really cared about me, you’d get rid of that worthless piece of metal.

DWIGHT (standing up):
Angela, by insulting my car, you insult me.

DWIGHT storms out of the room. Angela remains in the kitchen, with tears seen in her eyes. KEVIN comes out of the bathroom and sees ANGELA.

KEVIN:
...Um....should I come back some other time?

ANGELA glares at him.

KEVIN: (nods)
Okay.

KEVIN slowly steps backwards into the bathroom. He closes the door shut behind him. ANGELA walks away frustrated.

CUT TO—KEVIN IN CONFERENCE ROOM—TALKING HEAD

KEVIN:
How long was I in there?

CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE

The camera is positioned from MICHAEL’S POV, facing the door. JIM knocks from the outside.

MICHAEL: (OS)
Come in.

JIM opens the door and takes the seat across from MICHAEL.

JIM:
You wanted to see me?

MICHAEL:
Yes. Yes I did. You remember our appointment today?

JIM:
The McCarthy client?

MICHAEL:
Yes. And are you ready?

JIM:
Um, yeah, why?

MICHAEL:
I think it’s time we head out to the golf course.

JIM:
Sure. Just let me get my things.

JIM stands up and makes his way out to his desk to grab his coat and bag.

CUT TO—JIM IN CONFERENCE ROOM—TALKING HEAD

JIM:
Do I think Michael has ever played golf before? I think Michael is the kid who tried to loft the ball over the prop windmill nine times before he realized he could just putt through it.

CUT TO—OUTSIDE MICHAEL’S OFFICE

The camera is peering through the blinds of MICHEAL’S office. Inside MICHAEL is trying to putt a gold ball into his World’s Best Boss mug. He misses. MICHAEL then emerges from the office. As he is making his way to the door, DWIGHT approaches.

DWIGHT:
Can I speak to you for a moment?

MICHAEL:
Now? I’m busy.

DWIGHT:
I know you and Jim are about to head to the golf course to meet a potential client. You need to let me come with you.

MICHAEL:
And why would I do that?

DWIGHT:
Because I can be of great assistance to you there.

CUT TO-DWIGHT IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT:
I happen to be an amazing golfer. Two years ago, I placed 3rd in a tournament with over 100 people competing...although it did turn out that it was a competition for the mentally disabled...I still wonder why no one ever informed me while I was playing.

CUT TO—OFFICE

MICHAEL:
Oh yeah? Playing golf? Please, Dwight. I bet you couldn’t even tell the difference between a driver and a wood if you got two guesses.

DWIGHT:
They’re the same thing.

MICHAEL: (looks at camera)
My point exactly.

MICHAEL tries to exit, but DWIGHT once again impedes his progress.

DWIGHT: (whispers)
Please. I can do this.

MICHAEL:
I don’t know, Dwight. (looks DWIGHT in the eye) All right.

DWIGHT: (fist pump)
I won’t let you down.

MICHAEL exits, followed by DWIGHT. ANGELA, with a frown on her face, is seen watching them walk out, as is PAM. PAM looks at the camera.

CUT TO—PAM IN CONFERENCE ROOM—TALKING HEAD

PAM:
Jim, Dwight, and Michael are going to meet a client for a round of golf. (laughs) I think this is Jim’s first experience out with Dwight and Michael. I give him a half hour.

CUT TO—PARKING LOT

The three all get in the same car. JIM takes the driver’s seat, and MICHAEL quickly snatches shotgun, leaving DWIGHT stuck in the back. As this scene occurs, a MICHAEL talking head is playing.

MICHAEL: (VO; w/ his trademark overconfidence)
Am I worried about today? Is that a real question? Not at all. The true golfers fight through their nerves —— Tiger Woods, Happy Gilmore, Karl Spackler —— ask them that question and see what kind of answer you get.

CUT TO-OFFICE

KELLY walks over to RYAN’S DESK.

KELLY:
OMIGOD Ryan, this Saturday is St. Patrick’s Day! How exciting is that?! We can go to the parade dressed in matching green outfits and wear cute little matching shamrocks all over our close and it’ll be the best day ever.

CAMERA zooms in on RYAN’S face. HIS mouth is open slightly, as he is carefully choosing his next words.

CUT TO-KELLY IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

KELLY:
Okay, well I was totally expecting Ryan to propose to me on Valentine’s Day but he didn’t and that was cool. But I just know by this time next week that Ryan and I will be engaged because after all, St. Patty IS the saint of diamonds, right?

CUT TO-OFFICE

RYAN:
Oh, um....yeah we can definitely go to the parade.

CUT TO-RYAN IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

RYAN:
Yeah, I told Kelly that I’d take her to the parade this Saturday. Somehow I think being with Kelly will be a little bit easier on St. Patrick’s Day.

CUT TO—GOLF COURSE (WARMUP AREA)

MICHAEL and JIM step onto the golf course. JIM is still wearing his work clothes, although he cleaned up his act. DWIGHT has been relegated to carrying MICHAEL’S golf bag. MICHAEL is wearing a ridiculous golfing outfit —— a green sweater vest, dark beige khakis, and a gray flat cap. He has sprawled himself on the ground. He begins to stretch his hamstring, but the second he leans forward he immediately snaps back and stands up, as it was too much a strain for him. Now instead he has begun taking practice swings.

DWIGHT:
Do you want a club?

MICHAEL: (snaps)
Geez, Dwight, be quiet. Ruin my concentration.

JIM:
Looks like Mr. McCarthy is coming.

MICHAEL, DWIGHT, JIM, and the camera all pan to the right. A middle-aged, waspy businessman is approaching, a cell phone to his ear. He hangs it up as he gets closer.

MICHAEL:
Pat McCarthy?

MCCARTHY:
Yes. You must be Michael Scott.

MICHAEL:
The one and only.

The two men shake hands.

MICHAEL:
This is Jim Halpert.

MCCARTHY:
Hello.

JIM:
Hi.

They shake hands.

MICHAEL:
And this is—

DWIGHT: (cutting him off)
Dwight Shrute……the third.

MICHAEL: (to MCCARTHY)
Don’t worry about him……he’s just our caddy.

MCCARTHY:
You ready to play some golf?

MICHAEL: (excited)
Let’s go!

The four men have arrived at the first hole.

MCCARTHY:
You play golf often, Mr. Scott.

MICHAEL:
What? Oh yeah. All the time. Play golf. Love it. (camera catches JIM’S uncomfortable face) Especially the golfing aspects of it…

CUT TO—MCCARTHY AT THE FIRST HOLE—TALKING HEAD

MCCARTHY:
Yes, I have heard of Michael Scott. How? Where to begin…

CUT TO—GOLF COURSE

MCCARTHY:
Who wants to do the honors?

JIM:
I’ll go first.

JIM steps up and place his ball on the tee. After taking a breath, he gives it a whack. His form is not great (due to his presumable lack of experience), but the ball does travel a good amount and then rolls to a stop.

MCCARTHY:
Huh. Not bad.

MICHAEL: (cocky)
Eh, it’s a start.

MCCARTHY is next. He easily sends the ball 200 some odd yards, straight down the fairway.

MICHAEL:
Wow, not bad. But now let’s let the teacher go to work.
MICHAEL slowly swaggers his way to the tee. He bends down and touches his toes three times. He then wiggles his limbs in an attempt to get loose. He finally steps up to the tee. He takes a few deep breaths, and swings. His form is atrocious —— he practically jumps as he swings.

MICHAEL: (admiring his shot)
Wow. What a beauty that was. I think it’s still going. I can’t even see it.

MICHAEL’S ball is still on the tee.

MICHAEL: (in shock)
...........I want a mulligan.

DWIGHT: (writing on the scorecard)
Not a good start, Michael.

MICHAEL steps up to take his second shot. This time it makes contact. His shot probably stays in the air for no more than one or two seconds, and it bounces down the line for another ten.

MICHAEL:
That’s more like it.

CUT TO-OFFICE

KEVIN and OSCAR are talking.

KEVIN:
So, Oscar, what are you doing this Saturday?

OSCAR:
This Saturday? Um, I really don’t know.

KEVIN:
Oh, wait.....do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day?

CUT TO-KEVIN IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

KEVIN:
Lately I’ve been really careful around Oscar. I really don’t know anything about gay people and I’m trying really hard not to say anything that can get me into a lot of trouble. I saw what happened to Kramer at that comedy club with all the black people.

KEVIN does his usual grin and begins to snicker. Then he suddenly becomes serious.

KEVIN:
Oh wait.....Am I allowed to say ‘black’ on camera? Please tell me you didn’t tape that.

CUT TO-OSCAR IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

OSCAR:
It’s true. Kevin really does not know anything about the gay community. I keep having to explain to him that we celebrate all of the same holidays as everyone else.
CUT TO-KEVIN IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

KEVIN: (indignantly)
What do you mean? I don’t go to the rainbow parade!

CUT TO—SEVENTH HOLE

All four are on the green. MCCARTHY has just knocked in an easy putt. MICHAEL’S turn. His ball is about ten feet from the hole. He is consulting with DWIGHT.

DWIGHT: (studying the scorecard)
You need this one.

MICHAEL:
I know, I know. (thinks) Gimme the four iron.

MCCARTHY:
You sure about that?

DWIGHT:
McCarthy’s right, Michael. This is a risky move you’re attempting.

MICHAEL:
Don’t worry. I got it under control.

DWIGHT hesitantly hands him the 4 iron. MICHAEL licks his index finger and sticks it in the air to test the wind. He carefully strikes the golf ball.

MICHAEL: (at the top of his lungs)
GET IN THE HOLE!!!! GET IN THE HOLE!!! GO!!!!! GO!!!!!

The balls misses the cup by two feet. It continues to roll until it is completely off the green.

MCCARTHY:
Not the best decision, was it?

MICHAEL: (his poise waning)
No problem. Lot of golf left to be played.

CUT TO-OFFICE

KEVIN and OSCAR are still talking. ANGELA interrupts, in a mood angrier than her usual demeanor.

ANGELA: (angrily)
I think it’s disgusting how you can name a day of loose morals and excessive drinking after a saint!

MEREDITH walks by.

MEREDITH: (angrily to ANGELA)
Hey! Watch it! You don’t see me going around badmouthing Easter!

MEREDITH walks away. ANGELA stares after her, completely shocked.

CUT TO-MEREDITH IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

MEREDITH:
How do I plan to spend St. Patrick’s Day? You have no idea. Let’s just say I always save my vacation days for the week of St. Patrick’s Day.

CUT TO—THIRTEENTH HOLE

MCCARTHY chips in his putt. He, JIM, and DWIGHT set out towards the next hole. However, MICHAEL has stayed back. He is lying on his back in frustration, his hands over his face.

MCCARTHY:
Are we just going to leave him like that?

JIM: (beat)
Yup, pretty much. (switching gears) Hey, can I just quickly tell you a few things about our paper products?
MCCARTHY:
Sure. I’m listening......

The three resume their walk to the fourteenth hole. As they walk away, MICHAEL can be heard yelling.

MICHAEL: (OS)
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME TODAY!?!?!?!

CUT TO-BREAK ROOM

ANDY is sitting at a table, reading an issue of Seventeen Magazine and singing to himself. CREED walks over, but ANDY does not yet notice.

ANDY:
I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch\Oh the bitch is back\Stone cold sober as a matter of fact\I can bitch, I can bitch\`Cause I'm better than you\It's the way that I move\The things that I do\

CREED:
Ah, I love Gospel music.

ANDY: (putting down his magazine and looking up)
Can I help you?

CREED:
Table for one please.

ANDY just shakes his head and leaves. CREED sits down and picks up the magazine. He begins to read it.

CREED:
Hmm....I did not know that about women.

CUT TO-OFFICE

ANGELA walks over to PAM’S desk.

Pam: (trying to be cheerful)
Oh, hey Angela.

ANGELA:
I really need to talk to you.

PAM:
Oh, um…okay…

CUT TO-BREAK ROOM

PAM and ANGELA are alone in the break room.

ANGELA:
I know we don’t talk as often as we should, since I’m probably your closest friend—

PAM gives a puzzled look the camera looking into the break room.

ANGELA: (continuing)
—but I really need your help. You see, my…mother really would like my father to do something for her. And she thinks that it’ll help both of them. But my father’s strongly against it and now they’re starting.....to fight.

PAM:
Well, um....When I first started going out with Roy, he used to do everything for me and buy me stuff all the time. So maybe what your mother wants is a good idea but that it may not be good for their relationship.

ANGELA:
So your saying that if my father were to spoil my mother then SHE’D become a vindictive slut?

PAM stares at ANGELA with her mouth open, very offended

ANGELA: (trying to make up for that outburst)
Thanks, you’ve really helped me.

ANGELA walks out of the room.

CUT TO-PAM IN BREAK ROOM-TALKING HEAD

PAM:
Sometimes Angela can really be a—

CUT TO-OFFICE

PHYLLIS: (to Stanley)
So since Bob Vance has been selling so many refrigerators this week, he’s taking me out for a nice dinner on Saturday night. What are you doing?

STANLEY:
What am I doing? I’ll tell you what I’m doing. I’m gonna lock my daughter in her room all day and make sure she stays there. All I need is her being out with her friends on St. Patrick’s Day.

CUT TO—EIGHTEENTH HOLE

It is getting dark. MICHAEL taps in his final putt. He pumps his fists in relief.

MCCARTHY:
All right. I think we’re just about done here.

JIM:
Thanks for all your time, Mr. McCarthy.

MCCARTHY:
Please, call me Pat. Feel free to call me if you have any questions, Jim.

JIM:
Thank you.

MCCARTHY shakes JIM’S hand. He turns to MICHAEL.

MCCARTHY:
Michael. It’s definitely been an experience.

MICHAEL: (only half-joking)
Consider yourself lucky; you caught me on an off night.
MCCARTHY:
Of course I did.

They also shake hands. MCCARTHY then turns to DWIGHT, who already has his hand outstretched. MCCARTHY uncomfortably shakes it, and then he is gone. DWIGHT hands MICHAEL the scorecard. MICHAEL looks it over.

CUT TO—JIM IN PARKING LOT—TALKING HEAD

JIM:
Today was a legitimate success. Michael was off in his own little world for most of the match, and I managed to arrange the entire circulation of The Scranton Times to be printed on Duner/Mifflin paper. And I shot an 82, which, for me, is pretty good. And Dwight had to carry the clubs the whole time, although I’m pretty sure Michael broke at least half of them. So, yeah, definitely a fun afternoon.

CUT TO—PARKING LOT

JIM and DWIGHT are making there way to the car.

DWIGHT:
Jim, can I ask you a quick question?

JIM:
Uh, yeah, what is it?

DWIGHT:
If you get in a fight with your....mom....what do you usually do to make it up to her?

JIM:
Honestly, Dwight? Just apologize. It never hurts to say your sorry. Because if you don’t talk about what is going wrong, you’ll never be able to fix it.

An awkward silence ensues. DWIGHT turns and calls to MICHAEL, who is still on the eighteenth hole.

DWIGHT:
Are you coming?

MICHAEL:
You guys go ahead. I’m gonna take a few practices holes.

JIM looks at the camera. DWIGHT takes the backseat, JIM takes the driver’s seat. They drive off.

CUT TO—MICHAEL ON COURSE—TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL: (trademark confidence; holding up the scorecard)
This just goes to show you how amazing at golf I am. I thought I had a terrible night but just look at this. I beat Jim by more than 150 points and I completely blew McCarthy away. But I can’t get lazy…the best golfers are never satisfied. Ask John Stockton, he’ll tell you. There is always room for improvement.

CUT TO-OFFICE

The phone rings. PAM answers it.

PAM:

Dunder/Mifflin, this is Pam......Oh, hi Jan…Yeah, Michael’s still out....Oh, so would you like me to call Michael and tell him that you can’t make it-.....No? But then won’t he show up anyway?...I....see....uh, huh....

CUT TO-PAM IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

PAM:
That has to be the strangest relationship that I’ve ever seen (thinks)....okay maybe the second strangest.

 

 

~END~

 

 

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