The Exterminator


Well apparently in the medicine community, negative means 'good.' Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community that would be chaos.

"The Exterminator"

 

mckenna/insana

 

_______________________

  

FADE IN 

 

INT-OFFICE-MONDAY MORNING

 

DWIGHT is staring at his watch. HE looks at the door and then back at his watch. HE keeps repeating this cycle.

 

CUT TO-DWIGHT IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

 

DWIGHT: (nervously)

Michael is never this late. It is currently 9:48 AM. Michael is always in this office by 9:23 AM. As his sworn ally, naturally, there is cause for concern. The only time he has ever been this late was when he suffered a severe foot injury………and the time he dropped his car keys down the toilet and had to walk to work through two feet of snow.

 

CUT TO-OFFICE

 

MICHAEL walks in. HE is covered in some sort of brown substance. HE looks very tired and worn out. DWIGHT immediately gets out of his seat and quickly walks towards him. However, ANDY gets to him first.

 

ANDY:

Hey, Mike. Rough weekend? You know, I was thinking-

 

DWIGHT cuts him off.

 

DWIGHT: (concerned)

Michael, what happened? Tell me. Who did this to you? Was it Jan?

 

MICHAEL:

Wha-What? No. God! Dammit, Dwight.

 

KEVIN, walking by, notices the brown substance all over MICHAEL’S suit.

 

KEVIN:

Michael, there’s some brown stuff on your clothes.

 

CUT TO-KEVIN IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

 

KEVIN is doing his trademark grin.

 

KEVIN:

It looks like he’s covered in (laughs)….like he’s covered in (becomes unable to speak because of his fit of laughter). 

 

CUT TO-OFFICE

 

PAM:

Hey, Michael, I just wanted to remind you that you still have some papers to sign from the McCarthy deal. I put them in a folder on your desk.

 

MICHAEL:

Gaw! Gee, Pam thanks a lot. Look at me! For all you know I was mugged on the way here and all you can think of is work?

 

DWIGHT looks at MICHAEL, horrified.

 

PAM:

Were you mugged on your way to work?

 

MICAHEL: (pause)

No.

 

CUT TO-PAM IN CONFERENCE ROOM

 

PAM:

By now, I’ve learned that there are some things that I’m better off not knowing. I figured it was better that I didn’t ask Michael anything.

 

CUT TO-MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE-TALKING HEAD

 

MICHAEL:

Last Friday night, I had nothing to do. You know how boring Friday nights are. TV lineup sucks. Especially on NBC. So for a while I had been meaning to redo my floors. So I pulled up all the carpeting in my house and painted the floor using a brown wood stain. And so I did all my floors but I worked backwards through my house and ended in my bedroom. And then I was trapped in there because I didn’t want to ruin the floors. Wood stain: not cheap. Apparently, the stuff takes a while to dry. So I was stuck in my room all weekend. Luckily, I had a box of snacks and soda under my bed. (under his breath) Jan is always hungry after sex. Finally, this morning, the stuff still wasn’t dry so I just got dressed and ran. But I slipped in the hall…and that’s why I’m like this.

 

CUT TO-MICHAEL’S OFFICE SEVERAL MINUTES LATER

 

DWIGHT is on one knee trying to clean off MICHAEL’S suit with a wet cloth.

 

DWIGHT:

I don’t think this stuff is coming off.

 

MICHAEL:

Well, try harder.

 

KAREN walks in holding some papers, unknown to DWIGHT and MICHAEL.

 

MICHAEL:

At least get it off the crotch.

 

DWIGHT:

I’m scrubbing as hard as I can.

 

KAREN slowly backs out of the room.

 

 

CUT TO-OPENING CREDITS

 

 

EASE IN

 

INT-JIM'S DESK-DAY

 

MICHAEL:

Jim, can I see you in my office for a minute?

 

JIM:

Sure.

 

JIM gets up, scratches his arms, and walks towards MICHAEL’S OFFICE.

 

CUT TO-JIM IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

 

JIM:

Michael has called me into his office about 10 times a week since I’ve started working here. Yet somehow the two of us have never talked about paper or sales…or work.

 

CUT TO-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

MICHAEL:

Jim…Jimmy Jim Jim…Jimster…the Lord of the Jim.

 

JIM glances at the camera. 

 

MICHAEL:

You’d consider us close friends, right, Jim? Jimmy boy.  Jim Belushi.

 

JIM:

Well…

 

MICHAEL: (cutting him off)

You see, sometimes friends ask favors of other friends. And I need to borrow your jacket. I mean, the boss of a company can’t walk around in a stained jacket.

 

JIM:

Oh um...gee Michael I think my size might be a little too big for you.

 

MICHAEL:

Yeah, you’re right.  Hey, can you go get Toby’s jacket?

 

JIM stands up and scratches his leg.

 

JIM:

No, but I’ll get you one.

 

JIM exits. HE walks over to ANDY’S desk.

 

JIM:

Hey, Andy.

 

ANDY:

It’s Drew.

 

JIM:

Right. So Andy, I need to borrow your jacket.

 

JIM reaches to take ANDY’S jacket off of the back of HIS chair.

 

ANDY:

Whoa, hold on there Big Tu-I mean, Jim, I’d be happy to give it to you once you explain the reason.

 

JIM pulls the jacket off ANDY’S chair.

 

JIM: (grinning)

I need to burn it.

 

ANDY: (opens his mouth for a few seconds)

I-Good one, Jim.

 

CUT TO-ANDY IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

 

ANDY:

No, I don’t feel like anybody is taking advantage of me now that I’m fresh out of anger management. I feel that they are…(thinks for a minute, they makes a gesture of suddenly remembering) becoming accustomed to and embracing myself and my new methods of living my life.

 

ANDY nods certainly.

 

CUT TO-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

 

JIM enters. HE throws ANDY’S jacket to MICHAEL, who tries, but fails, to catch it.

 

MICHAEL: (head covered by the jacket)

Thanks Jim.  Jimbo. Jiminy Cricket. 

 

JIM stares directly at the camera, smiles, and exits.

 

CUT TO-BACK OF OFFICE

 

TOBY is sitting at his desk, working. KELLY and RYAN are heard arguing off-screen.

 

KELLY: (OS)

Oh, come on Ryan! I totally saw you checking out that woman’s legs last night.

 

RYAN: (OS)

I was not. I was looking at her shoes. She had very nice shoes on.

 

TOBY: (whispering very quietly)

Oooh, bad idea Ryan.

 

KELLY: (OS)

Omigod! I never knew you were so into shoes. This weekend we’re totally going shopping together. We can spend hours together just shoe shopping. You’re the first guy I’ve ever known who loves shoes as much as I do. Well, of course not AS much but still! I love you Ryan!

 

TOBY: (quietly whispering)

Please, don’t say something stupid.

 

RYAN: (OS)

Is it almost time for lunch?

 

TOBY throws his head back in frustration.

 

KELLY: (OS)

Ryan! You so have issues and-

 

CUT TO-TOBY IN KITCHEN-TALKING HEAD

 

TOBY: (scratching his head)

I’ve heard a lot of Ryan and Kelly’s arguments. It’s...it’s painful. Lately, I’ve been voicing instructions for Ryan out loud...you know, stuff that Kelly wants to hear. But I think it’s just to keep myself sane.

 

CUT TO-BACK OF OFFICE

 

KELLY: (OS)

And Ryan, this sweater you bought me is so itchy. I’ve been scratching all day. I bet you got this one on purpose.

 

RYAN: (OS)

You didn’t complain last time you wore it.

 

CUT TO-ACCOUNTANTS’ DESKS

 

ANGELA is not at her seat.

 

KEVIN: (scratching himself furiously)

Wow. I am so itchy today. I’ve been scratching so much that I think I’m ripping my skin off.

 

OSCAR:

You know, now that you mention it, I’ve been scratching a lot today, too.

 

CUT TO-KITCHEN

 

DWIGHT and ANGELA are seating at the table, facing opposite directions, both pretending to be reading.

 

ANGELA:

So we’re definitely on for tonight, right?

 

DWIGHT:

Absolutely. Wouldn’t miss it for a chance to meet Leonard Nemoy.

 

ANGELA surreptitiously extends her hand across the table. DWIGHT grasps it. THEY sit silently for a few seconds. Suddenly, DWIGHT lifts ANGELA’S hand at looks at it.

 

DWIGHT: 

You have fleas.

 

CUT TO-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

 

PAM: (on speakerphone)

Jan’s on line one. I’m putting her through.

 

MICHAEL:

Thanks, Pam.

 

JAN'S VOICE:

Michael?

 

MICHAEL:

Hey, you, what’s up?

 

JAN:

Just checking to see if you’re being a good boy at work today. I hope you learned a lesson after last night’s spanking.

 

MICHAEL proudly stares at the camera.

 

An ear-piercing scream is heard off-screen.

 

JAN:

Michael, what was that?

 

MICHAEL: (standing up)

I have no idea.

 

JAN:

Please tell me that wasn’t you.

 

MICHAEL stands in the door to his office just as ANGELA burst out of the kitchen.

 

ANGELA:

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

 

PHYLLIS: (concerned)

What’s the matter?

 

ANGELA: (screaming)

FLEAS! THERE ARE FLEAS! 

 

JAN:

Michael, what’s going on? Did someone just say something about fleas in the office?

 

MICHAEL:

No, Jan, everything’s fine. She wasn’t yelling fleas...she was yelling, um...bees...

 

JAN:

THERE ARE BEES?!


MICHAEL:

No, that's not what I... (quietly) Damn it.

 

CUT TO-JIM IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

JIM: (amused)

I know that people can get fleas, but I thought that it only happened in Seinfeld.

 

CUT TO-STANLEY IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

 

STANLEY:

Does this surprise me? Nope. I’m just glad it’s fleas. In this place, I wouldn’t be surprised if we had tarantulas crawling all over the place.  And I DO NOT like spiders.

 

CUT TO-DWIGHT IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

 

DWIGHT:

I grew up on a farm, so I am completely immune to fleas. I intend to carry out my work as though this were any other day. Though I do wonder how fleas got in here.

 

CUT TO-CREED IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

 

CREED:

Yes, there is actually a very good chance that I brought the fleas into this office. Several nights a week, I sleep out on the street with a group of stray dogs. They seem to see me as their leader.

 

CUT TO—KITCHEN ENTRANCE

 

The scene is one of complete chaos.  Everyone is running around, scratching their arms and legs.  In one strong motion KEVIN rips the shirt right off his body, drops it in the kitchen sink, and lights it on fire with a lighter.  He then stares at the flaming clothes, just now realizing what he did.

 

KEVIN: (shirtless)

Uh, oh...

 

CUT TO—OFFICE

 

KAREN and JIM are seen sitting in the conference room.

 

KAREN:                        JIM:

This place gets worse         This place gets better

every day.                    every day.

 

CUT TO—UNDER PAM’S DESK—TALKING HEAD

 

PAM is huddled under her desk, her sweater over her head. 

 

PAM:

No, I have not had much experience with fleas...isn’t it obvious?

 

The camera pans out from under PAM’S desk, and turns toward MICHAEL’S office.  The blinds are drawn.  The camera peers in between them.  MICHAEL is furiously stomping every square inch of his carpet.  There is a loud knock at his door.

 

MICHAEL: (still stomping)

Come in!

 

It’s STANLEY. 

 

STANLEY:

Michael ——

 

Suddenly, Michael inexplicably kicks STANLEY in the shin.

 

STANLEY: (hobbling)

OW! What the HELL was that for?!?!

 

MICHAEL:

I’m sorry.  For a second I thought I saw a flea on you. (looks at camera) But not because fleas are black.  There are plenty of Hispanic fleas out there, too.   

 

STANLEY:

Mmm, hmm.

 

MICHAEL:

What is it you wanted?

 

STANLEY:

Never mind. 

 

STANLEY shakes his head and walks out, a slight limp still detectable.

 

CUT TO—MEREDITH’S DESK—TALKING HEAD

 

MEREDITH:

This is definitely worse than the bat.  Probably because I’m sober for this.

 

CUT TO—OFFICE

 

RYAN:

Has anyone seen Andy?

 

CUT TO—BATHROOM STALL—TALKING HEAD

 

ANDY is standing on top of the back of the toilet.

 

ANDY:

Let me just say this: Andy did not like bugs, and Drew does not like bugs. (the sound of the door being opened) I’M IN HERE OSCAR!!!!

 

CUT TO—OFFICE

 

MICHAEL emerges from out of his office. 

 

MICHAEL:

Attention everybody.  I just got off the phone.  An exterminator will be here soon.  Everything is under control.  There is no need to call your doctors...or your lawyers.

 

CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE—TALKING HEAD

 

MICHAEL:

The exterminator is coming, everything is under control.  I have a lot of respect for exterminators.  (laughs) You know, when I was young, I wanted to be one.  Because an exterminator is a real man.  He has to do his job, even when he can never see the enemy.  (trying to be Schwarzenegger) I’m the ex-terminator!  Stallone.

 

CUT TO—ENTRANCE

 

A beautiful twenty-something, blonde haired woman walks in.  She is wearing a “Discount Pest Control” uniform.  MICHAEL, instantly smitten, walks up to her.

 

MICHAEL:

Can I help you?

 

WOMAN:

Hi, I’m Lauren.  I’m the exterminator.

 

MICHAEL: (laughs)

No seriously.  As you can see, we’re in the middle of a crisis here.  I don’t have time for this.

 

LAUREN points to the giant tag on her jacket that reads “EXTERMINATOR”.

 

MICHAEL gives the camera a shocked look.

 

CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE—TALKING HEAD

 

MICHAEL: (frustrated)

A female exterminator?!?  What next?  A female basketball player?  This is just great.   

 

CUT TO—OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM

 

LAUREN is in the corner of the conference room, examining a small hole in the wall.  KEVIN and ANDY are admiring her from the water cooler.  KEVIN is wearing a trench coat over his bare chest. 

 

KEVIN:

Dude, if I were single...or fully clothed...I would so hit that.

 

ANDY: (trying to be nonchalant)

Whatever.

 

CUT TO—KITCHEN—TALKING HEAD

 

ANDY:

One of the first things I learned in anger management was that an obsession with physical attraction leads to a hollow emotional relationship, and therefore disappointment.  I don’t know why they were teaching that in anger management.  That being said however, this woman is everything I ever wanted. (profoundly) She kills bugs but she brings me to life.

 

CUT TO—OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM

 

LAUREN is taking off her rubber gloves.  MICHAEL approaches her.

 

MICHAEL:

Any luck?

 

LAUREN:

Yes.  I traced the cause of the infestation to a small nest in the back of your conference room. 

 

MICHAEL:

So what are you going to do?

 

LAUREN:

Well, we need to shut down the conference room for the rest of the day, so it can be fumed. 

 

MICHAEL:

Sure.  What about the rest of the office?

 

LAUREN:

I think we can wait and fume the rest of the office overnight.

 

CUT TO—JIM’S DESK

 

JIM is typing and KAREN is leaning nearby.

 

KAREN:

The exterminator is pretty cute, huh?

 

JIM: (disinterested)

Yeah, I guess.   

 

The camera then immediately pans to the back of the room, where TOBY is seated.

 

KELLY: (OS)

So, Ryan, what do you think of the exterminator?

 

TOBY: (trying to coach RYAN under his breath)

Say “no”.

 

RYAN: (OS)

I think she's very attractive.

 

TOBY puts his head in his palms. 

 

CUT TO—TOBY’S DESK—TALKING HEAD

 

TOBY: (whispering)

I’m done. That kid is beyond saving. Either that or he wants to get Kelly angry at him.  But I don’t see why he would want to do that.

 

LAUREN is standing outside of the conference room, getting some of HER tools together. DWIGHT walks over.

 

DWIGHT:

I was wondering, what is the biggest flea that you’ve ever encountered? Three, four feet long?

 

LAUREN:

What? I don’t know...maybe about a quarter of an inch. Probably smaller.

 

DWIGHT:

I see. And what is your preferred choice of weapon against such creatures? Have you ever used a scramasax?

 

LAUREN:

I...I don’t know what that is. I usually just use pesticides.

 

DWIGHT:

What made you get into the business of killing?

 

LAUREN:

I needed to pay off my student loans.

 

CUT TO-DWIGHT IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD

 

DWIGHT:

I think that it’s ridiculous that we’re putting so much faith in a woman to do this job. Back in medieval times, when a king needed a dragon killed, did he ask a woman to do the deed? No. Not to mention that she’s never even heard of a scramasax. I’ve had one since I was five.

 

CUT TO—PAM’S DESK

 

JIM and PAM are talking.

 

PAM:

Weird day, huh?

 

JIM:

You could say that.

 

ANDY walks over.

 

ANDY:

Hey Jim. Can I talk to you for a minute?

 

JIM looks at PAM.

 

JIM:

Um...yeah, sure.

 

ANDY pulls him away from PAM'S desk.

 

ANDY: (quietly)

I need some advice. I was thinking of asking out the exterminator, but Drew doesn’t want to make the same mistakes with woman that Andy did. But at the same time, there’s a chance that she could be the girl of my dreams.

 

JIM:

Oh, um...well...Drew...you probably just want to go walk over to her and introduce yourself. Ask her how she is. Definitely compliment her. Then, you know, just make small talk and ask her if she wants to have dinner sometime.

 

ANDY:

Yeah, okay. I can do that. Thanks.

 

ANDY walks over to where LAUREN is standing outside the conference room with all of her equipment. PAM and JIM are watching to see what happens.

 

ANDY: (extending his hand)

Hey, how’s it going? I’m Drew.

 

LAUREN:

I’m Lauren. I’d shake your hand, but my gloves are kind of covered in pesticides. (laughs)

 

ANDY: (laughs)

That’s fine. So, um, those are some nice tools you’ve got there.

 

LAUREN gives him a strange look.

 

ANDY:

No, I didn’t mean it like that.  I was talking about you’re actual bug...slaughtering...stuff.

 

LAUREN:

...um, thanks? I think.

 

ANDY:

You know, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to have dinner together sometime.

 

LAUREN:

I...don’t think so.

 

ANDY:

Is this because I made the comment about your tools? Because I swear I didn’t mean it like that.

 

LAUREN:

No, it has nothing to do with that.

 

ANDY:

Okay then. I can’t force you to do anything you do not want to do. But I’m trying to improve myself.  Is it something about me?

 

LAUREN:

You’re a man.

 

ANDY gives her a puzzled look.

 

LAUREN: (whispers)

I’m a lesbian.

 

CAMERA zooms in on ANDY’S shocked face.

 

CUT TO-ANDY AT HIS DESK-TALKING HEAD

 

ANDY:

Yeah, that seems about right.

 

CUT TO-KITCHEN

 

ANDY is sitting at a table. JIM walks over.

 

JIM:

Hey, man, how’d it go?

 

ANDY:

It didn’t.

 

JIM:

How come?

 

ANDY:

She’s a lesbian.

 

JIM: (ponders for a minute)

Yeah, that seems about right.

 

ANDY:

But I will not let this bother me, because excessive frustration leads to built up anger. And if I’m filled up with anger, than I can never be the happy beaver that I should strive to be.

 

CUT TO—PAM’S DESK

 

KEVIN is standing over the printer, talking to PAM.  Now he is wearing Bubble wrap across his chest.

 

KEVIN:

Pam, are you scared of the fleas?

 

PAM:

Not really.  After awhile you don’t even really notice them.

 

KEVIN:

But I once saw this documentary, and it said that some fleas could get inside your body, and pop out of your stomach!

 

PAM: (sighs)

That’s Alien, Kev.

 

KEVIN: (pause)

So, it wasn’t real?

 

PAM shakes her head no.  KEVIN exhales deeply.

 

KEVIN: (walking away)

Thank god.

 

CUT TO—BREAK ROOM

 

MICHAEL is seated, drinking a cup of coffee.  JIM sits down next to him.

 

MICHAEL: (trying to make conversation)

So how bout these bugs, huh?

 

JIM:

Yeah.  It’s been a pretty wacky day.

 

MICHAEL:

You can say that again.  And what about that exterminator?

 

JIM:

She seems pretty cute.

 

MICHAEL:

Cute?  Jim, she’s better than cute.  You should be all over that by now.

 

JIM: (uncomfortable)

Well, first off, I’m already dating Karen, so...yeah.  And besides, she’s a lesbian anyway.

 

MICHAEL: (surprised)

Wait? She’s a lesbian?

 

JIM nods and gets up, sensing what direction this discussion could potentially take.

 

MICHAEL: (in awe)

Lauren the exterminator...is a lesbian.  Wow.  (then, to the camera) Never would have guessed.  And you know how good I usually am at noticing these things.

 

CUT TO—OFFICE

 

It is close to quitting time.  Some people have already left.  LAUREN has her last two pieces of equipment in hand, ready to leave.  MICHAEL comes out of his office to say goodbye.

 

MICHAEL: (handing her a check)

Thank you for all your help today.  We really needed you.

 

LAUREN:

No problem.  I was happy to do it.

 

She is about to turn and leave, but then MICHAEL speaks.

 

MICHAEL: (very awkwardly)

Hey, listen.  A little birdie informed me that you are a lesbian, um, and I have a girlfriend who’s into those kinds of things, so, um, here’s my card (hands her a business card), and if you are ever bored on a Friday night, call me up and maybe we can have some fun.

 

LAUREN is silent for a good three seconds.

 

LAUREN:

I’m gonna go now.

 

MICHAEL: (embarrassed)

Yeah.

 

LAUREN folds the check, places it in her shirt pocket, and exits.  MICHAEL slowly walks back into his office.  The camera catches PAM standing behind her desk, shaking her head in disbelief.  Suddenly, KEVIN walks by, his briefcase in hand and ANGELA’S baby poster wrapped around his body.

 

KEVIN:

Bye Pam.

 

 

 

~END~

 

 

 

Did you like The Exterminator?  Do you have any suggestions for improvement? We'd love to hear your feedback at CAI5000@AOL.com