Moses - JED

Word Association

DISCLAIMER: Sometimes you just have to write a certain story. It might not be a good story. It might even be a terrible, stupid, lame-ass, horribly, horribly sacriligous story. And yet you are compelled to put pencil to paper, just to free yourself from the weight it hanging inside your head.  This is that story for me. 

 

It has a great deal of bad language, and a great deal of bad taste.The jokes aren't funny. However, it is not intentionally racist. Unless you're one of those white guys who over-eagerly embrace urban black culture. Cause those guys really are lame. 

“Man, let me in!”

   “No.”

   “But my peeps are in there! And tha’ bitches …aw man, c’mon.”

   “No, you’re a punk bitch.”

   “Da hell! I’m a bad muthafucka! I got mad skillz! I’m the freakin’ chosen one, man!! Look at me!!”

   “I’m lookin’ and all I see is a punk bitch. Now move on before I hurt you.”

   “Bullshit muthafucka!! Whoa, whoa. Sorry…. Listen, I’m gonna tell you about what I done! You just listen, you’re gonna see how I’m da shit. Promise.”

   “Fine. It’s cold, and I got nothing else to do, so I’m listenin'. But it better be good, or so help me, I will fuck you up. You understand, bitch?”

   “Sure, sure. First you gotta understand, I used to roll with the Pharaohs. You know THE Pharaohs?!? Yeah, I was one of them, man. Since I was a little kid, you know. I was an orphan, see? I used to hang out on the streets, didn’t know where I was from, didn’t care. Straight outta Compton! You know what I’m sayin, G?! Don’t leave me hangin!!”

   “....”

   “Uh, yeah, okay, so anyway, I was an orphan, and the Pharoahs took me in. I was number 2, man! Right beneath the Ram hisself, the fuckin man! He called me AK-Nothin’, cause I was a shorty, but I was the shit. Treated me like his little brotha, you know what I’m sayin? Hell yeah, I had it all. Bitches, shit, bitches n’ shit. But that didn’t keep me satisfied. Naw, cause I got bigger appetites, man. I got the callin’, dig?

   “I looked around the streets and I saw what the Pharoahs was doin to they own people! Sellin shit, stealin shit, holdin' everybody down. Yeah, the Pharoah’s were da shit, but they was the Man too! Liked to broke ma damn heart…. ‘Cept I’m so tuff. I mean, it pissed me off, you know, that’s what I mean.

   “So one day I see this dude, one of us Pharoahs, thumpin on this little old lady what lived down the street. And I flipped, man. BA-DOW!! Totally psycho. Beat the nigga to death with my own two hands. That’s right man. These hands right here…BA-DOW!!”

   “Uh-huh.”

   “Seriously, man! So anyway, the Ram didn’t like that. Hell no. Said ‘AK-Nothin, don’t matter if you one of us, don’t matter if I love you, son, I’m gonna have to beat you down. Cause that nigga you killed was workin' for me, and don’t nobody disrespect the Ram!’ That’s what he said man. Word for fuckin word. Word.

   “So I lit out, see? Took off. Not ‘cause I was scared. Sheee-it. Ain’t scared of nothin. But I didn’t wanna haveta kill anymore of my former posse, ya know? So I moved over to the west side. Just chillin’ illin, you know the drill. Rollin’ on dubs, not bustin’ nobody. But don’t you know I’m too much of a badass to keep my head down long.

   “So I gets into a few capers. This one time I gotta deal with this stupid assed negro name a Jethro. Had hisself a buncha bitches workin da street. Pushin pussy, if you get my drift, and I know you do. This stupid ass fucker was pushin his own daughters, and they was FINE! But that punk was letting tha john’s slap his bitches up! Shee-it. I stepped up and took over that little operation. Set it straight! And you know pimpin’ ain’t easy!

   “So, in about no time at all, I got me a sweet little set-up on the west side, hos ready to go, caddy’s in my shack, chronic on my platter. Everything a G could want you know. But I’m strollin through my hood one day, and I’m all by myself, see? I’m in this empty lot about to fire one up, and I start hearin’ this voice in my head. It’s tellin’ me that I’m the fuckin’ chosen one. Yeah, that’s right. I’m crazy, dog. CRAZY! It tells me I gots to go back to Pharoahs and take that shit down. Gotta rise up! Course I’m all, like, ‘man this is some good shit! Make me hear things and whatnot!’, but that just pisses the voice off and it’s all like ‘Boy, you better recognize!!!’ and this damn car in front of me just bursts into flames! And the voice is comin straight outta the fire, so I’m like ‘Hell yeah, I ain’t fuckin with no flaming car voice, I better get my shit together.'

   “So I head back over to the east side and I have myself a sitdown with the Ram. Tell him ain’t gonna be no more of this shit. Gotta show some respect! And he’s all like ‘fuck that!’, and I’m all like ‘you did not say that to me!’ and he’s all like ‘the fuck I did!’, and I’m like ‘no you ditnt!’…”

   “Get to the point, shithead.”

   “Yeah, well…so anyway, he calls out for his boyz to come in and do a number on me and my boyz. I thought it was gonna hit the fan fo sho, gonna be gats pulled and bullets flyin'! Fuck me, it was worse than that! It was a damn dance off! They thought I was fucked but man, I’m old school! Hardcore, bitch! Pharaohs start off with a buttspin, then my boyz did the worm, and then those funky punks threw down the worm again, unoriginal muthafuckas! So I just dust off the robot, toss in a little moonwalk and show them the street! I was the shit that night, man! Bitches all over my rod!

   “But dammit the Ram wasn’t listenin'. Didn’t hear what I was laying down! Didn’t smell what I was cooking! But he was smart enough to let me walk, I tell you that. So I warned him, told him that if he didn’t listen and back off my peeps, there was gonna be some serious shit headed his way! Sho’ nuff!!

   “Well he didn’t listen to me, and I was speakin’ fo the flamin car, man! So hell came down on that ignorant mutha fucka! Das right! All manner of badness! All his beer goes flat! Even the 40’s! Fleas all over his crib! His hos got funk breath and nasty feet! All of his posse gets zits! Nasty! Their rides were unpimped, and the engines stopped workin! The utilities got shut off! And a whole buncha other shit I cain’t remember. But it was bad! Lo and behold mutha fucka, you fuck with me, you get fucked!!

   “So finally the Ram realizes that I’m a bad mutha, and I kick his ass to the curb! Last I heard he and his bitch ass got swallowed up in the red light district. Fuckers down there know my name! Always step aside when I walk thru!

   “So me and my posse, we’re rollin for like, forever. Just roamin’ you know, cause we all free n’shit, can do what the fuck we wants, wherever we wants, but it’s like we ain’t got nothin to do!! Like everything’s all dried up see? Ain’t nothing goin on. Freakin’ wasteland. And my peeps, they lookin' to me for a little sumpin sumpin. I gots to provide. Finally, we drivin past 40th street, and I get this idea! I say, ‘We gotta go to the fuckin' Promised Land, cause that club is the shit!!’ And we do, and here we fuckin are! I pull up in the Bentley and let out all my peeps and hos, and you just let them walk right inside, man! Right inside! But I go park the car and now you’re giving me some kinda shit, all ‘You ain’t with them’ and ‘You a punk bitch’!! Was up with that, man? Is this cause I tried to walk straight in? Cause man I will definitely tip you!”

   “No.”

   “Then, why muthafucka!!?!.. Sorry.”

   “Cause you been disrespectful. I may look tough but I have feelings.”

   “Awwww shit.”

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Author's Notes