100% true facts about Teddy "The Fuckin' Man" Roosevelt.



The following facts are absolutely true and anyone who disputes their validity is clearly a terrorist.


  • Teddy Roosevelt was the first person to have an adamantium skeleton. Whether or not he had eighteen inch long retractable claws is unknown but likely.
  • Teddy Roosevelt's middle name was "Nightmare."
  • Teddy Roosevelt would tackle the deficit by staring angrily at the numbers until they turned into a more agreeable figure.
  • Teddy Roosevelt didn't fear death. Death feared Teddy Roosevelt.
  • Teddy Roosevelt didn't wear glasses because he was short-sighted; Teddy Roosevelt wore glasses to keep the lasers in his eyes from incinerating his family.
  • Teddy Roosevelt once punched out a horse for taunting him.
  • The American bald eagle came close to extinction because Teddy Roosevelt would fight and kill one every day of his presidency.
  • Teddy Roosevelt would solve America's healthcare problem by destroying every disease known to man.
  • Teddy Roosevelt invented inventions.
  • Every summer Teddy Roosevelt would holiday in his Fortress of Solitude, located somewhere near the North Pole.
  • The Devil sold his soul to Teddy Roosevelt.
  • Legend has it that somewhere in Pakistan Teddy Roosevelt is still alive, conducting a one man offensive against terrorism. He expects victory by Christmas.
  • Al-Qaeda waited until September 11, 2001, to attack the World Trade Centre, just in case Teddy Roosevelt was still alive to kick their asses.
  • Teddy Roosevelt could cure AIDS with a harsh stare.
  • Teddy Roosevelt does not fear zombies; he eats them.
  • Teddy Roosevelt created speed metal.
  • Teddy Roosevelt was misquoted when he said, "Speak softly and carry a big stick." What he really said was, "Speak softly and carry Thor's hammer."
  • When the Justice League is in trouble, they count on Batman. When Batman is in trouble, he counts on Teddy Roosevelt.
  • Teddy Roosevelt was so manly that there hasn't been a single male since manly enough to bear the name "Teddy Roosevelt."
  • Teddy Roosevelt didn't believe in conservatives and liberals. He didn't believe in red states and blue states. He believed in one thing - kicking ass.
  • Chuck Norris thanks God every day that he never had to fight Teddy Roosevelt.
  • When Teddy Roosevelt went camping, he didn't roast marshmallows over a fire. He roasted them by the power of his will alone.
  • Teddy Roosevelt built Castle Greyskull as a playhouse for his kids.
  • It wasn't the Autobots that put the Decepticons into hiding, it was Teddy Roosevelt.
  • Teddy Roosevelt's primary defence was poisonous quills hidden in his moustache.
  • Teddy Roosevelt built the first giant robot as a gift to Japan.
  • Teddy Roosevelt later destroyed the first giant robot in a bareknuckle boxing match.
  • Teddy Roosevelt once punched God in the soul.
  • When God rests on the seventh day, Teddy Roosevelt takes up the slack.
  • Teddy Roosevelt never had to learn any foreign languages because everyone understands the language of pain.
  • Mr T pities the fool. Teddy Roosevelt pities Mr T.
  • When Teddy Roosevelt smiled, the world smiled with him. When Teddy Roosevelt frowned, the world waited for death.
  • Teddy Roosevelt's moustache hairs were used to cut diamonds.
  • Jesus awaits the second coming of Teddy Roosevelt.