The Amber Series‎ > ‎

3. Holding Back The Tears

Tugging my coat off the peg, I run out of the door. I can’t believe I’ve overslept. By the time I get to the cinema Ben will have been waiting at least fifteen minutes, if not more. I can’t believe that of all days, my mother had to pick today to borrow my car whilst hers is in the garage. As I turn the corner I see the bus, just about to arrive at my bus stop. Sprinting down the road I arrive just in time to see the bus pull away from the curb. Collapsing onto a seat, I fish around in my bag, eventually coming up with my mobile phone. Turning it on, the battery symbol flashes across the screen before the phone goes dead.
“Damn!” I yell to the empty bus stop.
Spotting a payphone on the other side of the street, I find 20p and run across the road to call Ben’s mobile.
“Hi, my phone is off right now - oops! Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.” Ben’s recorded voice echoes down the line.
“Hi Ben, it’s Amber. I’m really sorry but I woke up late and I missed the bus etc. I’ll be there soon. I love you, bye” I hang up and cross back to the bus stop.

Five minutes later, the bus finally arrives and luckily there is no traffic so I only arrive half an hour late. Ben, however, is nowhere in sight. We always meet on the bench outside the pizza place, but there’s not a single person in sight. I walk over to the bench anyway and sit down. Wondering what to do next, I shiver slightly. I know I can’t wait outside for long.
“Cold?” I jump at the voice behind me.
“Ben!” I grin walking round to him.
“Hey gorgeous.” he says giving me a hug and instantly warming me up.
“I am sooooo sorry I’m late. I missed the bus and...”
“I know, I got your message. Well anyway, you’re here now, though we’ve missed half the movie!”
“How about we get a pizza, my treat, and then catch the next showing?”
“Sounds good to me. Especially the free pizza part, but how about a kiss first?”
Before I even have a chance to reply, he silences me with a kiss. We’ve been going out for so long, yet his kisses still have the power to make me melt. A few minutes later we’re sitting at a table for two, waiting for our pizza to arrive, and talking animatedly.

Ben and I have a fantastic day together, and when he drops me off, we sit in the car for a few minutes, wrapped up in each other. Eventually, I pull away and get out of the car. Just as I’m about to close the door, he calls my name.
“Yeah?” I reply, ducking down so I can see him.
“I’ll give you a lift to school tomorrow if you want. We can study together tomorrow evening.”
“OK, bye.”
I shut the door and walk down the path to my front door. Before I go in, I turn and wave. When the door shuts behind me, I hear Ben revving the engine and driving away. I sit down on the sofa and sigh contentedly. My life is perfect. Ben is perfect.

I wake up earlier than usual and have a few minutes spare before Ben arrives. For a change I decide to wear my hair up. Before I have a chance, however, Ben rings the doorbell and I run downstairs to greet him. I open the door and he kisses me lightly on the lips. I pull on my coat and lift my bag onto my shoulder. I step outside and close the door behind me. Suddenly, Ben pulls me into his arms, kissing me passionately. Eventually we pull apart,
“What was that for? Not that I mind!” I laugh.
“Nothing.” He half smiles, sliding his hand into mine as we walk down the drive towards his car. We get in the car and he starts the engine. We sit in silence for most of the journey, our only contact being when he rests his hand on my knee between gear changes. Five minutes away from school, I finally break the silence.
“Ben, is something wrong? You’re so quiet...”
“I just didn’t sleep too well last night, that’s all.” He says, keeping his eyes on the road.
“Oh.” We lapse back into what has now become an awkward silence.
Finally, we arrive at school and Ben drops me at the gate. I turn to thank him and before I can speak he kisses me again.
“I’m sorry I was so quiet. It’s nothing. I’ll see you later, ok?”
“Yeah, alright. Thanks for the ride. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I get out and shut the door. I blow a kiss at him through the open window and then straightening up, I wave as he drives off, before heading off to my locker to meet Lara before first lesson.

My day seems to fly by and before long; I’m standing outside the school, waiting for Ben.
“Amber!” I turn at the sound of my name. Lara is hurrying across the lawn towards me.
“Hey Lara, what’s up?”
“I’m really sorry.” She says breathlessly, “But I need a ride home with Ben. Chris had to go home early.”
“Don’t worry about it.” I reply.
A moment later Ben pulls up next to us.
“Hey babe,” I say opening the door and sitting beside him, kissing him quickly.
“You couldn’t just drop me at home could you?” Lara asks, sliding into the backseat.
“Yeah, whatever.” Ben says distractedly.
“Hey, are you ok?” I ask after we’ve dropped off Lara.
“Yeah. I just need to relax more.” He says draping his arm around my shoulders.
“Look, just take me home, go get some sleep and we can meet up tomorrow.” I say concerned.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, go on.” I say kissing him softly as we come to a stop outside my house.
“Bye.” He says absently.
“Bye.” I shut the door firmly and turn to walk down the drive. Just as I reach the door, Ben drives off, without even a goodbye wave. The entire time we’ve been going out, Ben has always waited until I’m inside before driving away. I try and tell myself that he’s just tired but somewhere deep down; I can still sense the worry that it’s more than that. I push the thought from my mind. Ben and I never keep secrets from each other, especially big ones... but what if it’s so big he can’t tell me... what if it’s just me that he can’t tell? I have a terrible feeling of foreboding. That suddenly my life is going to get turned upside down.

As the week goes by, I see Ben a few times. I can tell there’s something on his mind but I know that, given time, he’ll tell me what’s wrong. Finally its Friday night and I’m getting ready before Ben arrives to pick me up. When he arrives, instead of waiting in the car, he comes to the door and as soon as I step outside he wraps his arms around me in an embrace.
“I’m sorry I’ve been acting so weird lately.” He says, stepping back and tilting my head back to look at him.
“Its ok.” I say as he takes my hand and leads me down the drive to his car. Opening the door for me he kisses me softly before walking round to the drivers side. Twenty minutes later we arrive at a fancy Italian restaurant just outside of town. Its quite expensive and we only go there on special occasions. Ben’s birthday isn’t until next weekend so I’m surprised when Ben pulls the car into the car park. We get out the car and he takes my arm.
“Its my treat. To make up for how out of it I’ve been lately.”
“You don’t need to do this...”
“I want to.” He says simply, cutting me off.

The meal is fantastic and Ben is really attentive. Listening to everything I say. We got on really well; better than we have for weeks. Afterwards, Ben drives us to the viewpoint overlooking the city. We get out the car and walk for a while in a companionable silence.
“Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?” he says pulling me into his arms and kissing me passionately.
“Oh Ben...” I whisper as he holds me close, “I wish this moment would never end.”
As I cuddle up to him to shelter from the cold wind, I feel him flinch slightly at my words.
“Me too.” He says stroking my hair, “Me too.”
“Are you alright?” I ask, sensing he’s upset about something.
“Yeah, just cold. Lets go back to the car. There’s one more thing I want to do before I take you home.”
“Yeah, what’s that?” I ask as we walk back to the car
“Its a surprise.” He smiles softly.
Before we drive off Ben takes a silk scarf from the back seat.
“As it’s a surprise, you can’t see where we’re going.” He says, tying the scarf around my head, carefully, like a blindfold.

Eventually the car comes to a stop and I hear the doors opening and closing as Ben gets out. Then the passenger door opens and Ben helps me out of the car into the cold night air. I shiver slightly, involuntarily and Ben drapes his jacket over my shoulders. Leading me forwards slowly, his arm around my waist. I’m acutely aware of his body next to mine.
“Wait here.” He says, as he fumbles about doing something.
Then he comes up behind me and says, “Keep your eyes closed.” as he takes off the scarf. Sliding his arm around my waist he whispers, “Ok, now open your eyes...”
“Oh Ben...” I gasp as I take in my surroundings. “Its beautiful.”
As Ben presses play on the portable stereo and the air is filled with love songs, I look around. At the tartan blanket, surrounded by candles, in the middle of a clearing in the woods. Taking my hand, he leads me to the blanket and we sit down, side by side.
“Ben, this is amazing.” I whisper in awe.
“Look up...” He says smiling, pointing at the sky as he lies back. I lie back as well, looking up at the star filled sky. He shifts slightly and I move closer as he captures me in an embrace.

We lie like that for what seems like hours but can only be a matter of minutes before I get cold. I don’t want to move but when Ben feels me shiver in his arms, he gets to his feet and holding out a hand helps me stand. He walks over to the stereo, with the intent of turning it off but I don’t want to leave.
“Wait.” I say walking over to him, “Can’t we stay just a little bit longer?”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” I whisper wrapping my arms around his waist from behind.
He turns to face me and kisses me softly. Then “How Do I Live” starts playing on the stereo and we slow dance together, under the stars. Like all good things, however, it must come to an end and after I help Ben pack up the stuff, he drives me home.
“Thank you for tonight.” I say as he pulls up outside my house.
“You’re worth it... how about a thank you kiss?” He grins mischievously.
Wrapping my arms around him I kiss him goodnight.

Saturday morning I wake up late and spend the day relaxing around the house while Ben is at work. Mid afternoon, Ben picks me up and we go to the cinema to see the new action movie everyone is talking about. Afterwards we have a quiet dinner at the restaurant next to the cinema. Ben is really attentive all night and I can’t help but wonder if there is something going on that he isn’t telling me about. He hasn’t been like this since we first started going out. Then again, maybe I’m just imagining things. Its not like he’s never romantic because he is, a lot, that’s one of the million reasons I love him so much. I guess I’ll find out soon enough if it is something. I don’t go out all day Sunday and I spend most of the week studying. Finally, the weekend of Ben’s birthday comes along.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!” I join in with all Ben’s friends as he walks into the room.
“Wow!” Ben says taking in the room. Lara and I had spent all day decorating their living room with balloons and streamers. There is a table in the corner full of junk food and a bag full of presents.
“Happy Birthday, baby.” I whisper sliding my arms around his waist and smiling up at him.
Ben’s face is lit up with a radiant smile but there’s something distant in his eyes. Now I’m really worried. Ben has been alternately attentive and distant for two weeks, but now it seems to be spreading. All afternoon Lara seemed preoccupied but she kept insisting it was nothing. When I get a chance, I walk over to Lara’s boyfriend, Chris.
“Is Lara alright?” I ask Chris when I get a moment alone with him.
“I think so. I mean, considering she only found out they were moving on Friday night, I think she’s doing ok. I think she’s still a bit upset that Ben found out before her though, even if it was an accident.”
“What?” I whisper, feeling as if I’ve been slapped.
“You mean you didn’t know?”
“I had no idea...”
“Oh wow, I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m sorry.”
“No it’s not your fault... I’ve gotta go.” I say spinning around and walking away, so as not to let Chris see me cry.

Five minutes later, the door to Lara’s bedroom opens and Lara walks in.
“Amber, I’m sorry. Chris told me what happened. I should have told you. Its just that Ben wanted to be the one to tell you and he made me promise not to say anything.” She says locking the door and sitting on the floor next to me.
“How... What happened? Why are you leaving?” I ask, blinking back a fresh flood of tears.
“Its dad. He’s got a promotion and we’re moving to Manchester.” She says, her voice breaking. I give her a hug and then there’s a knock on the door. Lara gets up and unlocking it, she opens the door to reveal a grinning Ben.
“I wondered where you two disappeared off to! Come downstairs, we’re about to watch the movie.” He says leaning against the doorframe.
“Ben, she knows.” Lara says quietly. I watch Ben as his shoulders slump and the smile is wiped off his face.
“Amber...” He starts.
“Ben, don’t. I need to be alone right now.” I say picking up my bag and pushing past him I walk down the stairs and out the door.

As I drive home I refuse to let myself think. Knowing full well that once the reality of the situation hits me, I’ll be inconsolable. When I get home I go straight to my room and lock the door. I feel almost numb. I’m furious with Ben for not telling me. I can’t believe he didn’t say anything. As I sit, however, staring straight ahead of me, my gaze focuses on a picture of Lara, Chris, Ben and me at the end of the skiing trip when Ben and I first got together. All the anger suddenly seems to drain out of me. I know my anger was just a way of hiding the pain. Now I’m left feeling empty and alone. I’m loosing Lara and Ben all in one go and I don’t think I can stand it. Lara has been my best friend ever since I can remember and I have no idea what I’ll do with out her. She always knows how to cheer me up... and Ben... I love him so much. I can’t imagine not being able to hold him, to kiss him. When we split up, it was the worst time of my life. I have a sudden urge to call him. I just want to hear his voice tell me everything is going to be all right, that we can survive this together. As I reach over to pick up the phone I catch a glimpse of my clock and realise its 3am. Slowly, I withdraw my hand and flop back onto my pillow, closing my eyes tightly as if by doing so I can shut out all thoughts of loosing Ben.

Opening my eyes, I sit up slowly, my head heavy. A quick look at my watch tells me its 9am. I must have fallen asleep fully clothed. I get up, shower and change, forcing all thoughts of the move from my mind. Besides, I don’t even know when they’re leaving. We could still have weeks before they leave. The phone interrupts my thoughts.
“Hello?” I say picking up the receiver.
“Amber, listen...” Ben says, recognizing my voice instantly.
“Ben you don’t have to explain.” I cut in.
“Yes I do. I want to. I should never have kept it a secret, I just...” His voice breaks, “I just didn’t want to say the words out loud, to you of all people. I love you so much and I never want to leave you, ever.”
“Ben, there’s no point in talking about it. It happened, that’s it. It doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is that we spend as much time as possible together before you have to leave. Which is a point... When are you leaving?”
“Next Sunday.” He says miserably.
“Oh Ben,” I whisper, my voice cracking as the tears spill over.
“Can I come over?” He asks his own voice shaking.
A quick yes is all I can manage before we hang up.

When Ben arrives, I open the door and fall into his arms. I lead the way into the lounge and after I close the door, he pulls me roughly towards him kissing me passionately. As we stand, our arms around each other, the tears flowing down both our faces, all we can do is stare into each other’s eyes, as if searching for the reassurance that everything will be all right.
“Amber...” He starts, his eyes glistening,
“Shhh.” I whisper putting a finger to his lips.
“Amber, I have to say this... I think, maybe, we should end it before I leave. I don’t want to be the one responsible for the pain you’ll suffer from if we try to keep going when I’m not here anymore.” He says, his voice lifeless.
“Ben, no!” I sob, unable to believe he’s even suggesting breaking up. “We can make a long distance relationship work. Our love is strong enough to last 200 miles, right?”
“Amber, I don’t want you to ruin your life waiting for me. You deserve more than that.”
“Ben, if I don’t have you, my life is ruined anyway, I can’t loose you again. We can make it work, I know we can...”
“Oh Amber.” He breathes, kissing me softly, “We can do it.”
“Shut up and kiss me.” I say smiling through my tears as his lips touch mine again.

An hour or so later, we’re sitting in my room listening to music and looking at photographs from when we were little. As we finish the last picture, I stand to put the album away. As I push it back into place, I accidentally knock down a small box. Bending to pick it up, I hold the carefully wrapped box delicately in my hand.
“What is it?” Ben asks from behind me.
“Your birthday present.” I say sitting beside him and handing it to him.
Carefully he opens the paper, trying not to tear it. He opens the box to reveal a pair of silver dog tags on a chain.
“Hey!” He smiles, taking them out of the box and hanging them around his neck. Examining them he grins noticing the one that says “Amber 4 Ben”.
“What does this one say?” he asks, pointing at the other one.
“It says; “I love you” in hieroglyphics.” I reply.
“Thank you, I love them.” he says, draping his arm around my shoulders.
I smile up at him and then with the sudden realisation that he’s leaving, I hook my fingers through his chain and pull him towards me, kissing him hard on the mouth.


The week speeds by, despite our desperate attempts to make our time together last forever. Ben and I spend every day after school, doing things together, but soon the weekend is upon us. Friday night, Ben picks me up from my house. When I open the door, he’s standing on my doorstep holding a bouquet of a dozen white roses with a single red rose in the centre.
“Oh Ben, they’re beautiful.” I gasp, lifting them up to my face and inhaling their scent.
“Just like you. The red one is silk, I thought you might want to keep it...” He trails off blushing.
“Thank you Ben.” I smile, throwing my free arm around his neck.
He follows me into the house, waiting while I put the roses in water.
“I love you Amber,” Ben whispers in my ear, coming up behind me as I put the flowers on the kitchen table.
I smile as he turns me around to face him, his eyes searching my face for a sign that I still feel the same way. Pulling him gently towards me I reach up to run my hand through his hair. I know he needs to know that I still care, that I haven’t already begun to close the door on his love.
“Oh Ben I love you so much...” I say, my voice trembling.
He silences me with a heart-stopping kiss, having heard all he needed to hear.
“I can’t believe you’re actually leaving.” I whisper, the tears beginning to trickle down my face. “I can’t loose you, I just can’t...”
“Shhh...” He says comfortingly, holding me close, “You know if I could stay...” He leaves the sentence unfinished as he struggles to keep his own emotions in check.
“Then stay!” I almost shout.
“Amber, you know I can’t stay,”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, I feel the same way but there’s nothing either of us can do.”
“I know.” I say again.
“Look, why don’t we just make the most of the time we still have together?”
“OK.” I say as he takes my hand and leads me out the door to his car.

“Where are we going?” I ask finally after we’ve been driving in silence for ten minutes.
“I don’t really know!” He admits ruefully, “I was so worried about making sure every little detail was perfect that I kinda forgot to book the restaurant.”
“Suddenly I start to laugh. It all seems so surreal and before long I’m in hysterics. My laughter is infectious and soon Ben is laughing along with me. Unable to drive anymore, Ben pulls over at the side of the road and we collapse into each other’s arms laughing. Finally I sober up enough to look at where we’ve stopped.
“You just drove around in a huge circle!” I exclaim taking in the familiar gates of my local park.
“I know! I couldn’t bear to admit that I’d screwed up after I dragged you out of the house like that!” He says guiltily.
“Come on!” I say, opening the door and getting out.
“Come on, where?” Ben asks getting out of the car as well and locking the doors behind him.
“Here.” I say simply, motioning to the park.
“Alright.” He says catching on, “Race you to the big oak!”
I open my mouth to point out I’m wearing heals but he’s already gone, running through the open gates.
“Ben!!!” I yell, attempting to run after him.

Finally I reach the oak and after a few seconds I notice that Ben isn’t there. I glance around slightly worried, then I hear a rustle in the bushes behind me. I smile to myself, Ben.
“Grrrrr!” Ben growls as he grabs me from behind.
I shriek as we collapse onto the grass, tangled up in each other’s arms. He kisses me, softly at first, then harder, the passion building. I feel as if Ben and I are part of the same being, meant to be together forever.
“I love you.” I murmur into his shoulder.
“I love you too.” He replies getting to his feet and pulling me up beside him. Draping his arm around my shoulders, he starts to walk. I wrap my arm tightly around his waist as we walk through the park, gazing at the stars and the eerie shadows cast by the trees. Eventually we find ourselves back at the car.
“Pizza?” Ben asks unlocking the car.
“OK.” I agree shrugging my shoulders, “But I’d rather have you!” I say wickedly, pulling him towards me and kissing him.
“I’m sure that can be arranged.” He grins as I walk around to the passenger side and slide in.
We decide on a take-away and he drives us back to his house where we spend the rest of the evening cuddled up together on his sofa, watching movies, eating junk food and making out. He finally takes me home at around midnight.

All day Saturday I spend on a final shopping spree with Lara and we meet Ben and Chris for lunch. In the afternoon Lara and I go to the cinema one last time to see the new Ben Affleck movie. Finally, it’s Saturday evening. Ben and I have decided to spend the evening just the two of us. Ben drives us to the viewpoint and we walk as far away from everyone else as we dare before sitting side by side and looking out over the lights of the city and the stars above.
“I bought you something.” Ben says lifting the bag he’d been carrying and handing it to me.
“Ben you shouldn’t have...”
“I wanted to.” He says, cutting me off, “Its nothing big, just something to remember me by.”
I open the bag and smile slightly, “Oh Ben, you know me too well.”
“Do you like it?” He asks shyly.
“I love it,” I say hugging him. “I’m going to call him “Ben” after a special someone I happen to know.” I say, carefully lifting the soft brown teddy, with the cute little blue bow tie out of the bag. I stroke his fur gently until Ben wraps me up in his warm embrace. We sit together, arms around each other, the teddy caught up between us, for who knows how long, just enjoying each other’s company. Scared that moving will end the night and we’ll be even closer to the dreaded moment when Ben leaves my life.


I shiver involuntarily and Ben shifts slightly taking off his jacket and putting it around my shoulders. We sit for a moment longer, but we both know it’s time to leave.
“I guess we should go home.” He says regretfully, standing and running a hand through his hair.
“Yeah, you’re right.” I sigh, allowing him to help me to my feet. We walk back to the car in silence hand in hand. By the time we get there, Ben’s car is the only one left.
“Damn.” He mutters under his breath as he pulls his keys out of his pocket.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, worried.
“It’s 2am.” He says cursing under his breath as he drops his keys. Retrieving his keys from the grass by the side of the car he unlocks the door and shakes his head ruefully.
“Your parents are going to kill me.” He says opening the door for me. I wait until he’s walked around to his side of the car and sat down before I reply,
“They’ll understand...” I whisper unable to finish the sentence. I don’t want to put into words that tomorrow, well today, Ben is leaving... for good.

When we pull up outside my house he cuts the engine and pulls me close, kissing me like he’s never going to let me go. Not that I want him to. Eventually we pull apart.
“Come inside, just for a bit.” I say gripping his hand.
“I can’t.” He says, a pained look in his eyes.
“Why not?” I ask, suddenly angry.
“Because... because I don’t think I can trust myself with you. I don’t think I’ll be able to stop myself.” He says quietly.
“Maybe I don’t want you to stop...” I whisper, realising the full weight of what my words imply... and not regretting them for a second.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I say biting my lip, “I want my first time to be with someone special... I can’t imagine it being with anyone other than you.”
“Alright.” He says getting out of the car and opening my door.
We walk to the door of my house and I open it. For once, instead of leaving, Ben follows me inside and up the stairs to my room. On my pillow there’s a note from my parents, telling me to wake them if anything is wrong, otherwise they’ll talk to me in the morning. I sit down on the bed and he sits down beside me. I slide my hand into his and he looks down at me. Slowly he lifts my hand to his lips and kisses it gently. I’m aching to feel his lips on mine as he drops my hand and pushes my hair away from my face. Suddenly I’m in his arms and we’re kissing each other as if the world is going to end. He kisses a trail down my neck and across my shoulder, untying the knot in my shirt and sliding it down my arms. I free my arms from the shirt and slide my hands up his chest, lifting his t-shirt over his head and dropping it onto the floor. He kisses me again, this time more tenderly and I run my hands through his hair. We break apart as he pulls my strappy top over my head. Pulling me close, he looks deep into my eyes,
“I love you Amber, forever. I mean it.” He says his eyes shining with unshed tears.
“I love you too Ben. I want you so bad.”
“Amber...” He starts.
I stop him with a kiss and he kisses me back fervently, running his hands over my shoulders and down my back.
“No.” He says suddenly, pulling away and moving away from me, turning his back on me.
“What?” I ask, my eyes filling with tears. “Don’t you want me?”
“Of course I want you, I just... I can’t do this to you.” He says still turned away from me.
“Ben...” I cry, tears pouring down my cheeks, “I thought you loved me, I thought...” I stop, unable to continue.
At the sound of my heart rendering sobs, Ben can’t help but turn to face me.
“I do love you,” He says, coming over to sit with me and wrapping me up in his arms, “And that’s why I can’t. I can’t sleep with you when I know I’m leaving you tomorrow. You deserve so much more than that. We both know it won’t work. The second I’m gone there will be hundreds of guys queuing up on your doorstep waiting to ask you out. Its not fair for me to stop you.”
“Well what if I don’t want one of those guys?” I ask angrily, “What if I want you?” I whisper, my voice breaking. The anger gone, all I’m left with is the agony of heartbreak.
“Amber, the one thing I want more than anything in the world is your love, forever... but I know its not fair to even ask that from you. Not when I can’t be with you. Save yourself for someone who won’t ever leave you, not someone like me...” He trails off, a single tear rolling down his cheek. He brushes it away angrily. “Some day, you’ll know I’m right.” He says, giving in to his tears.
“So what do we do now?” I ask wiping away his tears and moving closer.
“I don’t know.” He says quietly. “I really don’t know.”
“Oh Ben,” I whisper as he kisses me one last time. After we pull apart, Ben pulls his t-shirt back over his head and walks over to the door.
“I don’t want you to come tomorrow. I can’t deal with saying goodbye again.”
“But…” I begin coming over to where he’s standing.
“Please Amber, promise me you won’t come.”
“I promise.”
“Goodbye Amber. I’ll always love you.”
“Goodbye Ben. I’ll never stop thinking about you.”
He hugs me quickly and then he’s gone.
I collapse exhausted on my bed and cry myself to sleep.

“Ben!” I’m jerked awake by the sound of my own voice. Opening my eyes, I take in the different objects in my room, trying to calm myself down from my nightmare. I can still see the look he had on his face, pleading with me not to let go of his hand, but no matter how hard I held on, the whole cliff split into two pulling us apart, dragging us further and further away from each other. I look at my clock, which says 6:05am. Ben’s leaving at 6:30am. I know I have to see him one last time. Still in the clothes from the night before, I pull on a sweatshirt and grab my car keys, wedging my feet into my trainers before running out to the car. As I drive I think about the promise I made to Ben, but some promises are meant to be broken. I know in my heart that I can’t let him leave without seeing him one more time, without feeling his lips on mine.
I pull up outside the house just as Mr Owen is about to leave. I wave quickly as Ben’s parents drive off. I know Ben is driving Lara and himself in his own car.
“Amber!” Lara yells, throwing her arms around me. “Ben said you weren’t coming.”
“I wasn’t.” I say ruefully, hugging Lara goodbye.
“Amber…” I hear Ben’s voice and pull away from Lara, looking deep into his eyes.
“Goodbye Amber, I’ll see you in two weeks when I come back to visit Chris.”
“Yeah, bye. I’ll see you soon.” I say hugging her quickly before she gets into to the car, giving Ben and I a chance to say goodbye.
“Amber, you promised you wouldn’t come, you… no forget it, I needed to see you one last time.” He says holding back the tears.
“I know.” I say simply.
Pulling me towards him, he kisses me passionately, his hands tangling up in my hair. Just as I’m sure he’s going to pull away, he tightens his arms around me, pulling me even closer and deepening the kiss. Then it’s all over and he’s getting into the car.
“Goodbye Amber, I love you.” He says before closing the door and rolling down the window as he starts the engine.
“Goodbye Ben… I love you.”
Then they’re gone and I’m left standing on the pavement, alone.
“I’ll always love you Ben.” I whisper as I get into my car and cry all the tears I’ve been holding back. Though neither of us ever said it, I know its over. How do I live without you Ben, because I just don’t think I can?


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