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Sunday Family Humour 26th June Page 2

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Priest's Retirement Speech

Thanks to David M.
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!   I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.  He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife;  had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.  I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.  But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician.  In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late 

A Secret Door in the Sand

Thanks to David M

In 1850, A Farmer Found A Secret Door In The Sand.
In a small bay in Scotland, a well-kept secret is hidden among the green hills. At first glance, it might not seem particularly impressive, but step inside and you'll be amazed at what you see.
Thousands of years ago, it was a bustling society. But time and weather buried it under the sand. For millennia, no one knew that this place ever existed, but when a terrible storm swept over the Orkney Islands in 1850, an incredible secret was revealed.
Nestled in the mossy, green hills on the Orkney Islands off Scotland is a secret older than the great pyramids of Egypt.
At first, it might not look like much, but the fact is, this is a unique and magical place.
Because within this rolling hillside is a perfectly preserved prehistoric village called Skara Brae
The winter of 1850 hit Orkney hard. A severe storm caused great devastation and resulted in more than 200 deaths. But it also revealed something long forgotten. When the storm abated, villagers discovered a settlement under the sand.
This building                                                          was not a                                                          house as it                                                          lacks beds and                                                          a dresser. It                                                          appears to                                                          have been a                                                          workshop for                                                          making stone                                                          tools and                                                          perhaps                                                          pottery, bone                                                          tools and                                                          wooden                                                          implements.
The settlement consists of eight stone houses and was inhabited between roughly 3180 and 2500 B.C., making Skara Brae one of the oldest agriculture villages in the UK.
Skara Brae has been called the Scottish Pompeii because the ancient monument is so well preserved. Since the surrounding sand and the buildings architecture were well protected against the cold, both the buildings and their contents have been remarkably preserved throughout the millennia.
Archaeologists estimate that 50-100 people lived in the village. When the settlement was built, the houses were 1,500 meters from the sea. Now, the sea has dug closer to the village and the view from the settlement has changed from pastures to the sea.
The settlements seven or eight houses were connected to each other by tunnels. Each residence could be closed off with a stone door.
In every room, one bed was always bigger than the other, but no one knows why. Each room also contains cabinets, dressers, seats, and storage boxes. These boxes were built to be waterproof, suggesting that they might have stored live seafood for later consumption.
One house is distinct from the other, however. Archaeologists didn't find any beds or other furniture. The house is believed to have functioned as a workshop.
Amazingly, the village also had a sewage system and each house had its own toilet.
Skara Brae was a society which centered around families. The dwellings are all quite similar, which led archaeologists to conclude that this society was a fairly equal one, without any authoritative leadership.
OLYMPUS                                                          DIGITAL                                                          CAMERA
Some believe that the villagers were Picts, a people of unknown origin who settled in eastern and northern Scotland near the end of the British Iron Age.But archaeological findings have shown that the people who lived here could have lived much earlier than that.
A number of mysterious discoveries have been made at the site, including this carved stone ball, though no one really knows what it was used for.
And no one knows why the village was abandoned. But around 2500 B.C., the Orkney Islands became cooler and wetter. Many theories speculate about how the people of Skara Brae met their fate; the most popular ones involve a violent storm.
Whats the future look like for Skara Brae? Although the settlement was built nearly two kilometers from the beach, in recent centuries, it has been increasingly threatened by the sea. Since 1926, the houses have been protected from the approaching sea and harsh autumn winds by a concrete wall.
There has been talk about building an artificial beach with boulders and breakwater to preserve Skara Brae and several other ancient monuments at risk of being destroyed. But nothing has happened yet. Until further notice, tourists continue to visit this fascinating place, but the question is for how long?
I personally hope that the Scottish Government will do all they can to preserve this amazing place.
OLYMPUS                                                          DIGITAL                                                          CAMERA
Please share this with others so that more people get the chance to discover the wonder that is history!

Not a Jewish wedding - Lin-Manuel Miranda (Hamilton)

Thanks to Spike

The groom – Lin-Manuel Miranda - a Puerto Rican resident of New York, well known song-writer and actor (creator and star of "In The Heights" and "Hamilton").

The bride – from a Latino-American background

The song from Fiddler on the Roof was chosen by the groom.

This, to our surprise, is not a Jewish wedding!

The groom decided to surprise his bride and prepared this song together with the rest of the family.

Not a Jewish wedding

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A Light Touch

Thanks to Bryan W.

Light Touch.ppt

Sand Sculptures Are Brilliant
Thanks to David M

Jara's work doesn't have turrets, mermaids, or fish, but it does depict otherworldly scenes (along
with realistic recreations) that spark the imagination. The Cleveland-based sculptor and woodworker does that on purpose: His intention is to create things you would never normally see in a sand castle competition. His work is definitely unusual, not to mention totally impressive. See what Jara does with
sand, patience, and a ton of talent, below.
Even if you've built some killer sand castles in your day, odds are you've never seen anything like this.

He's earned nine World Championship metals for his sand sculptures, and it's not
difficult to see why

Hiswork is incredibly unusual, and it's also a little subversive for your average
sand castle competition

His work<br>                                                           is incredibly<br>                                                           unusual, and<br>                                                           it's also a<br>                                                           little<br>                                                           subversive for<br>                                                           your average<br>                                                           sandcastle<br>                                                           competition.

His work is so smooth and refined that you almost forget what you're looking at is sand, instead of wood or marble.

studied fine art in college, but soon realized that design was not his strong
suit. Instead, he wanted to create with his hands, and sand is the perfect

Jara<br>                                                           studied fine<br>                                                           art in<br>                                                           college, but<br>                                                           soon realized<br>                                                           that design<br>                                                           was not his<br>                                                           strong suit.<br>                                                           Instead, he<br>                                                           wanted to<br>                                                           create with<br>                                                           his hands, and<br>                                                           sand is the<br>                                                           perfect<br>                                                           medium.

The response to his work has been nothing but positive, and Jara has no plans to stop.

The<br>                                                           response to<br>                                                           his work has<br>                                                           been nothing<br>                                                           but positive,<br>                                                           and Jara has<br>                                                           no plans to<br>                                                           stop.

What is butt dust ?

Thanks to Bill S.

What,  you ask, is 'Butt dust'? What do you do or say, when an innocent child asks you something so innocent and they are so serious? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative.
JACK  (age 3)

Was watching his Mom breastfeeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked, "Mom, why have you got two?
Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" 

MELANIE  (age 5)
Asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to  six."
STEVEN  (age 3)
Hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY   (age  4)
Had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the  bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN  (age 4)
Was  drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," She said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ  (age 4)
Stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I  cost ?"
CLINTON   (age  5) 
Was in his bedroom looking worried, when his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it ?"

MARC (age 4)
Was  engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

TAMMY(age 4)
Was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman, her mom knew.  Tammy  looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't her skin fit her face ?"
JAMES  (age 4)     
Was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, "The man, named Lot,  was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"
( That sermon, I think, this Mom will never forget. )

At this particular Sunday sermon, "Dear Lord," The minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."  He would have continued, but at that moment, my very obedient daughter, who was listening, leaned over to me and asked, quite audibly, in her shrill, little four-year -old-girl voice, "Mom, what  is butt dust ?"

Should I Really Join Facebook?

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 60. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. I figured your sense of humor could handle it.

We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

        ( Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles. :)

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