Sunday Family Humour 24th July Page 2

Free Entertainment and Family Fun Every Sunday


Message from the Queen

Thanks to Alan W.
Queen

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN 

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.


Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').


2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.  We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3.  July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4.  You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.   If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


5.  Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6.  All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


7.  The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.


8.  You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9.  The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


10.  Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11.  You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


12.  Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13.  You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.


14.  An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


15.  Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS:  Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Interview with God

Thanks to Joanne J.

An Interview With God is a beautiful short story about a man who dreams he has a chance to interview God. The answers God provides to the questions he is asked by the man are truly thought provoking and should give many people something to think about as they go about living their life. The video will resonate with many people who believe in God and I hope they find it as enjoyable to watch as I did.

Interview with God



Jokes for Kids

Thanks to Bert

What do you get when you cross a shark with Frosty the Snowman?

Frostbite

 

What do you get when you cross a flower and a skunk?

I don’t know, but I’m not going to smell it.


What mouse is a locksmith?

Mick Key Mouse

 

What is gray, has four legs and a trunk?

A mouse going on vacation

 

How do you get away from 20 lions, 10 elephants, 8 hippos, 3 giraffes?

Get off the merry-go-round

 

What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler and a Hyena?

I don’t know, but Ill join in if it laughs!

 

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia

 

What goes “Peck, Peck – BANG?”

A chicken in a mine field

 

What do you say to the hitch hiking Kangaroo?

Hop in

 

Why did the bird go to the doctor’s office?

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Is National Geographic Cutting Costs?

Thanks to David H.

National Geographic 1

 
National Geographic 2

National Geographic 3

 
National Geographic 4

 
National Geographic 5

   
National Geographic 6

 
National Geographic 7


   
National Geographic 8

 
National Geographic 9

   
 

 

   
National Geographic 10

 
National Geographic 11

 
National Geographic 12

National Geographic 15

   
National Geographic 16


Portland Lavender Farms

Thanks to Joanne J.

Portland Lavender Farms

A beautiful look at the flowers and scenery of Portland Lavender Farms in Oregon. I like to share these kinds of videos because while it will never go viral I know that a few people will enjoy watching the video. Not everyone is able to get outside and enjoy nature’s beauty so sometimes a short video like this will brighten their day. I hope you enjoyed the video and that you have a nice day.

Portland Lavender Farms


An Eye Test For Nursing Home Surveyors

Thanks to Alex S.

....can you pass it?

 
Mousey Donut

The School of Psychology, University of Pennsylvania (my alma mater) conducted a survey called "What really do you see?"

People were asked to focus their attention on this simple picture and then asked if they had noticed anything odd.

Now you also have a chance to test your skills and see if you can pass.........

Study the picture for 5 seconds; then briefly state the oddest thing you see..


Here are the Results of the Survey:

1. 100% of males failed this test. They were distracted by the woman's large bosom.

2. 100% of the females also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.

The real answer (see below):
 

There's a mouse on one of the doughnuts........now don't tell me you saw it. I won't believe you.

Charlie Daniels'America

Thanks to Lyle K.

YouTube Video


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