Thanks to Don Baker
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Miss Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the edge of the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Thanks to Spike
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Thanks to Tully
In addition to tiny, beautiful prayer books and rosary beads, people of the past liked to express their love of religion and beauty with objects known as prayer nuts. These artifacts were not actually carved from nuts--rather, they were carved from wood, but tiny enough to look like walnuts.
Prayer nuts were mainly produced in northern Europe during the 16th century. Due to the incredible skill required to make these items, only the wealthy could afford them. In addition to being a symbol of a person's faith, they were also a status symbol.
The outsides alone were marvelously carved with intricate designs, including text. Everything was held in place with wooden hinges carved right into the piece. These prayer nuts would usually be attached to a belt or a rosary.
When the nut opens, the first things you see are panels carved with various religious scenes. These vary based on the prayer nut, and might be dedicated to a certain saint, religious event, or type of prayer. The one above shows the Annunciation scene on the bottom, and around the images, you can see the prayer passages carved in.
But there's more! The inside panels could also open, by way of more tiny wooden hinges, and revealed even more miniature carvings. Because of the round shape of the prayer nuts, these scenes would be spectacularly detailed, with rows of lifelike little figures. Imagine the patience and the skill one would need to create something like this!
In addition, the prayer nuts were often scented with a variety of perfumes, so that the scenes would be an even greater sensory experience for their owners.
The prayer nuts you see here are all from the 1500s, with most coming from Dutch regions. Today, they're prized as incredible works of art, and can be found in many museums.
Thanks to Stephen M.
Three women and three men are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three men each buy tickets and watch as the three women buy only a single ticket. ”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the guys.
”Watch and you’ll see,” answers a woman.
All of them board the train. The men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men saw this and agreed it was a clever idea. So after the conference, the men decide to copy the women on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the women don’t buy a ticket at all.
”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one of the perplexed men.
”Watch and you’ll see,” is the answer.
When they board the train the three men cram into a restroom and the three women cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the women leaves her restroom and walks over to the restroom where the men are hiding. She knocks on the door and says in a low voice,
Thanks to Wally
* The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
* You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
* Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
* You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
* Grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
* Jogging is something you do to your memory.
* "Rocking all night" means dozing off in your rocking chair.
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