Sunday Family Humour 17th July Page 2

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Abbott and Costello -Buying a Computer

Thanks to John C.

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello to fully appreciate this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer!
I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! 
OK, let’s just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.   What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers.
What about financial bookkeeping?   Do you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT:   Why not?   THEY OWN IT !

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START.'



The Weeping Scotsman

Thanks to Kenneth S.

weeping Scotsman.mp4


IT From The Aussie Bush

Thanks to Bryan W.
Aussie It 1
Aussie It 2
Aussie It 3

We’re Gettin ta know da Lingo!!..

LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie ‘cause the shrimps are burning.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie, or a large lizard eaten at “old school” barbie

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies or country and western on the radio.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOWS: What you open when it gets too hot.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season..

BYTE: What mozzies do

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A pub snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks you get at K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK:What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

Aussie It 4
Aussie It 5

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Old Fashioned Giggles

Thanks to Paul S.
 
Old Fashioned 1


   
Old Fashioned 2


 
Old Fashioned 3
   
Old Fashioned 4


 
Old Fashioned 5
   
Old Fashioned 6

 
Old Fashioned 7
   
Old Fashioned 8


 
Old Fashioned 9
   
Old Fashioned 10


 
Old Fashioned 11
   


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Siberian husky throw a hilarious bath-time temper tantrum

Thanks to Spike

Siberian husky throw a hilarious bath-time temper tantrum



Wine Oldies

Thanks to Spike

Wine 1
 
  
Wine 2
 
Wine 3
  
Wine 4

 
Wine 5
  
Wine 6

 
Wine 7
  
Wine 8

 
Wine 9
  
Wine 10

 
Wine 11
  
Wine 12

 
Wine 13
  
Wine 14

 
Wine 15
  


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Eating in the 50s and 60s

Thanks to Ginny L.
 
Pasta was not eaten in Australia.
 
Curry was a surname.
 
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
 
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
 
All potato crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
 
Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.
 
Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.
 
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
 
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
 
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
 
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
 
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
 
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
 
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
 
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
 
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
 
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
 
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
 
Cooking outside was called camping.
 
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
 
"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.
 
Prunes were medicinal.
 
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
 
Water came out of the tap - If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock!!
 
But the one thing that we never ever had on our table in the sixties .....
 
Elbows or Phones.


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