Sunday Family Humour 3rd January

Sunday Family Humour 3rd January

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Jokes from Bob Hope

Thanks to John W

ON TURNING 70

'You still chase women, but only downhill'.

ON TURNING 80

'That's the time of your life when even your birthday

suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90

'You know you're getting old when the candles cost

more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100

'I don't feel old. In fact . I don't feel anything

until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING

'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept

stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at

my home, 'Passover'.'

ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay

the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS

'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained

only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER

'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,

Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'"

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL

'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength

of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold,

mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the

bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't

for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN.

'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to

blow the hereafter .. on a technicality..'

Give me a sense of humor.

Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke,

to get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folk.

The Two Ronnies

Thanks to David H.

Kids and Their Friends

Thanks to Spike

Kids and Their Friends

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David M's Gallery

Shopping In Texas

Thanks to David H.

Why Your Body Is Tired

Thanks to Spike

Why Your Body Is Tired

Best E-Mail of the Year?

Thanks to David M.

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

'Let me see if I've got this right.

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.

'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, French or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this, and then you tell me.......

I CAN'T PRAY?

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