Another piece of brilliance from the mind of Alan Leddon... this is the second in a comical series of lawsuits between Gods:
UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT,
Opening Statement of Mr. Marcus Rose, of Non, Gratis, Anun, & Rodentum, LLC, attorneys for Ms. Medusa:
My client, Ms. Medusa, formerly a resident of the temple of Miss Athena at Athens, and of late a resident of an unnamed deep cave located “among the rugged and frigid mountains,” does hereby bring suit for damages against the Miss Athena, a resident of Mount Olympus, and doing business in every world, country, state, district, and territory. Ms. Medusa seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, wrongful termination, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions of the aforementioned Defendant, under various chapters of Title 18 of the United States Code, relating to Battery, chapters of Title 18 USC relating to torture and maiming, and Title 42 USC relating to wrongful termination.
The court should note that Miss Athena is self-employed in the role of Goddess of Wisdom and also as Goddess of War. Both of these roles are specialized fields within the larger profession of Goddess, a position of some respect and importance which requires sound judgment and attention to detail. As a consequence of the social and practical demands of this profession, Miss Athena is obligated to have employees with a hierarchy of duties, including High Priestesses, Priestesses, Temple Virgins, and Whipping Boys. The roles of each level in the Hierarchy are defined, vital, and indispensable to the performance of the duties of any self-employed deity.
The court should also note that, prior to the attack that Ms. Medusa alleges was committed by Miss Athena, Ms. Medusa was widely considered to be the most beautiful woman in all of Greece. This is prior to the birth of Helen of Troy. This is attested to by contemporary poets and is considered indisputable. Exhibit A is an image of Ms. Medusa prior to the assault by Miss Athena, supporting this claim.
Ms. Medusa states that, while employed in the capacity of High Priestess by Miss Athena, that Miss Athena’s long-time rival, competitor, and opponent, Poseidon, came into The Temple of Miss Athena in Athens, which at the time was the customary place of business of Ms. Medusa. Finding Ms. Medusa occupied with her various duties, and no one else present, Poseidon proceeded to rape Ms. Medusa. This assault is recorded in the mythology and poetry of the Hellenic people by various philosophers and poets, and is not contested. In compliance with the employee handbook provided by Miss Athena to Ms. Medusa upon her employment, Ms. Medusa reported the rape to her superior, Miss Athena, immediately; this is also consistent with common sense.
Ms. Medusa alleges that Miss Athena became enraged learning of this assault; however, the rage was directed at the victim and not the rapist. Ms. Medusa points out that this violently angry reaction is counter to the Code of Behavior that all Goddesses specializing as Goddess of Wisdom must swear to prior to obtaining licensure as a Goddess of Wisdom. Ms. Medusa states that Miss Athena made comments about “the desecration of my temple” and about becoming “a laughingstock to the other Goddesses.” This depraved indifference to the attack upon Ms. Medusa continued for some time. Ms. Medusa alleges that Miss Athena did not at any point show any concern for her employee’s physical well-being or emotional state, compounding the sequelae of the rape and the victimization of the assaulted woman.
Ms. Medusa alleges that, during Miss Athena’s tirade, the Goddess turned to her and committed battery, as defined by law, and mutilation, as defined by law, in the act of touching Ms. Medusa’s face and causing her appearance to change dramatically. The ability to affect such changes is implicit in the profession of Goddess. Such was the degree of the physical change that the previously “most beautiful woman in Greece” took on the appearance of a monster so hideous that those viewing her face directly suffered irreversible harm in the form of turning literally into stone. This thing speaks for itself; this mutilation was a profound insult to Ms. Medusa’s bodily integrity, self-image, and self-worth; consequences included a sudden change in the character and quality of Ms. Medusa’s social life and dating prospects. The mutilation included physical alteration of the structure and appearance of Ms. Medusa’s face and body, and the transformation of her hair into venomous serpents of various kinds. Ms. Medusa states that this latter matter, the replacement of her hair with venomous serpents, will interfere with her goal of having children at a later point in her life. Exhibit B documents the result of what the popular media (“The Athenian Whisperer” and “The Spartan Nose”) have impolitely termed, “Medusa’s Extreme Makeover.”
As a direct consequence of the destruction of Ms. Medusa’s prior physical appearance, and its replacement with so monstrous an appearance, Ms. Medusa has been subjected to harassment and assault by laypeople and neighbors; this protracted campaign of abuse by neighbors with overalls and pitchforks has reached the intensity that Ms. Medusa was forced to give up her luxury apartment in a good neighborhood in Athens and move to a less comfortable cave outside the city, in a region known for its lawlessness and lack of basic amenities. On at least one occasion, an assassin (suspected to be Perseus, son of Zeus) has made his way to Ms. Medusa’s new home; it is most interesting to note that this assassin was equipped with the Aegis, a shield belonging to Miss Athena.
Ms. Medusa respectfully requests that the Court consider her multiple emotional traumas (rape, mutilation, loss of her respected job and prestigious apartment, loss of her social life and marriage prospects) and assess punitive damages in the amount of twenty five million dollars. In addition, Ms. Medusa seeks general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of one million dollars; actual damages (medical and psychiatric expenses, days lost from professional occupation, relocation expenses) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of two million dollars. Total damages $48 million. By awarding Ms. Medusa the full amount, this Court will affirm the rights of the victim of a violent crime to be protected from further victimization at the hands of society and authority, and partially compensate Ms. Medusa for the losses that she endured alone, without even the protection which the state guarantees to citizens in the form of the Police.