Another piece of brilliance from the mind of Alan Leddon... this is the first in a comical series of lawsuits between Gods:
UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT,
Opening Statement of Mr. Marcus Rose, of Non, Gratis, Anun, & Rodentum, LLC, attorneys for Mr. Laufeysson:
My client, Mr. Loki Laufeysson, formerly a resident of Asgard and of late a resident of an unnamed deep cave located “under a grove of hot springs,” does hereby bring suit for damages against the Aesir Gods, singularly and severally, and certain of the Vanir Gods as enumerated below herein; including in particular Odin Borsson (aka Allfodr, aka Gagnrad, aka Hangatýr, aka Hárbarðr, aka Sigfodr, aka Wotan, aka Ygg, aka Yggr, and with as many as two hundred additional aliases); Höðr Odinnson, Frigga Odswife, Thor Odinsson, Sif Thorswife, Heimdallr, Bragi Odinsson, Ithunn Bragiswife, Aegir (aka Gymir, aka Hler), Tyr One-Handed (aka Tyr Wolfbitten, Tyr Lefty, Tyr Stumpy), Frey, Freya, Njörðr, Skadi Njörðrswife, John Doe a member of the Aesir Tribe, Jane Doe a member of the Aesir Tribe, John Doe any God having engaged in discriminatory actions against Plaintiff, Jane Doe any Goddess having engaged in discriminatory actions against Plaintiff, to wit incorporated in Asgard and doing business in every world, country, state, district, and territory. Mr. Loki seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, loss of worshippers, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the collective actions of the aforementioned Defendants, under various chapters of Title 42 of the United States Code, relating to discrimination.
Mr. Laufeysson (“Plaintiff”) alleges that the Aesir Gods and Vanir Gods (“Defendants” hereinafter) have elected to ignore the millennia of companionship and Honorable service provided to the them by Plaintiff, and have engaged in a multi-century campaign of intolerance, discrimination, false imprisonment, and hazing directed at Plaintiff and his children. Mr. Laufeysson alleges that this discrimination is a direct result of his ancestry, to wit, Plaintiff is descended from the nation of Jotnar, and is thus properly a Jotun, or giant, and not one of the Aesir or Vanir.
Attestation to all of the following facts and events are in possession of the Court, in the form of the documents known as “Haustlöng of Thjodolf of Hvrin,” “the Völuspá saga,” “the ballad Lokka táttur,” “the Gylfaginning,” and “the Skáldskaparmal.” These documents are collectively designated “Exhibit A.” Exhibit B includes “The Hávámal” and “the Lokasenna.” Exhibits A and B collectively are called “The Lore” for purposes of this action.
Plaintiff states that on seventy-five separate occasions he has been approached by individual co-Defendants, singly and in groups, who requested services of him, often for no pay. In every instance, Plaintiff successfully and cheerfully succeeded in the tasks appointed to him by the co-Defendants. Chief among these events, we enumerate:
· Commissioned the creation of Mjollnir, the heraldic device and signature weapon of Thor Odinsson.
· Commissioned the creation of the golden hair of Sif Thorswife, to cover her baldness.
· Commissioned the creation of a mighty spear and a magic ring for Odin Borsson, which this defendant still uses.
· When Thor’s Hammer was stolen by a Jotun, Thrym, Plaintiff located it, planned the ruse to recover it, and took part in the recovery of this weapon. It should be noted that Plaintiff here acted against the interests of his own tribe and kin in favor of the interests of the Aesir, Co-Defendants in this case.
· When Freya’s jewel, the Brisingamen, was stolen, Plaintiff again planned and participated in the successful recovery mission, again favoring Plaintiffs over his own tribe. Plaintiff further protected the Goddess Freya Odswife from sexual battery at the hands of numerous members of the tribe of Jotun by leaving her in Asgard, dressing Thor Odinsson in her clothing, and subjecting Mr. Odinsson to the treatment that had been planned for Freya Odswife.
· When co-Defendants agreed to pay “the Sun, the Moon, and Freya’s hand in marriage” to a giant (“Contractor”) in exchange for building an impenetrable wall around Asgard within 6 months, then decided that they did not want to pay, it was the Plaintiff to whom the Defendants turned to find a way out of paying for this service – threatening Plaintiff with death should he fail! Plaintiff successfully caused Contractor to miss his deadline. The Court should know the lengths to which Plaintiff went to accomplish this task, changing himself into a mare for the purpose of luring away a stallion owned by Contractor, and suffering the humiliation of, as is expressed in “The Lore,” “having such relations with the stallion as to cause Loki to be the mother of Sleipner.” This, it should be noted, is an unusual and embarrassing situation for a male divine figure. The ruse succeeded, by luring Contractor from his work (Contractor sought to locate his horse), Plaintiff caused Contractor to miss his deadline, voiding certain oaths by the Aesir. The Aesir, in keeping with their usual anti-Jotun bigotry, executed Contractor rather than executing their end of the contract (payment of the Sun, the Moon, and the hand of Freya in marriage).
· Once when Odin (co-defendant Odin Borsson), Hønir and Plaintiff were travelling together, they stopped to roast an ox. An eagle (allegedly the Jotun and magician Thjatsi in disguise) alighted on the ox and began to eat from it. Odin commanded Plaintiff to drive the bird away, which Plaintiff did at great personal cost, as noted below.
· The eagle noted above was actually Thjatsi, a Jotun wizard in disguise, who trapped Plaintiff with malice aforethought, and demanded Plaintiff swear an oath to steal the Golden Apples of Immortality (required by the Defendants to maintain their qualifications in their common profession of “Gods”) in order to be released from the trap and from physical assaults to which Plaintiff had been subjected. Plaintiff honored his oath (despite having given it under duress) and successfully stole these items for his own tribe; Plaintiff then recovered the items and returned them to their rightful owners. It should be noted that Odin Borsson murdered Thjatsi in order to prevent the Jotun from overtaking Plaintiff as Plaintiff returned with the stolen apples.
· When Skadi Thjatsisdottir, a powerful magician in her own right, sought revenge against the Defendants for the murder of her father, it was Plaintiff who, though innocent of any wrongdoing by means of duress and circumstance, paid her blood price. Skadi demanded to be made to laugh, so Plaintiff tied one end of a cord to a billy-goat’s beard and the other to his own testicle, and engaged in a loud tug-of-war, fulfilling the price demanded by the giantess.
· When another giant demanded a peasant’s son as sacrifice, the peasant called on Odin Borsson to protect the child. Neither Odin nor Hønir were able to hide the child from the giant. Plaintiff tricked the giant into becoming entangled in iron bars and dismembered him, once again succeeding where Defendants had failed, and once again placing the interests of the Aesir ahead of those of his own tribe, the Jotnar.
· In most instances when Plaintiff used treachery or deception, it was on behalf of the Defendants and against the enemies of Defendants.
Additionally, in earlier times, Plaintiff was a companion to certain of the Defendants, as attested:
· In a long ago time, Odin Borsson pledged that he (Borsson) should never be served ale unless Plaintiff should also be served.
· Thor Odinsson and Plaintiff journeyed together to the city of Utgard, camping in a giant’s glove together on the way and participating in games of skill and might together (against their hosts) while visiting the city. Though both failed to win in the games, they were seen to be friends. Plaintiff acted against the Jotun tribe (the residents of the city) in favor of his Aesir companion.
· Odin, Hønir and Plaintiff made several road trips together.
· Thor Odinsson and Plaintiff made several road trips together.
Plaintiff alleges that, owing to his Jotun ancestry, he has long been the subject of slights and mistreatment. To wit:
· Sif Thorswife called upon Plaintiff to cut her hair. Despite Plaintiff’s success at styling Defendant’s hair as she required, she complained to her husband that the Jotun had done “a bad job.” Thor Odinsson threatened Plaintiff with death, owing to his Jotun heritage and not to any actual failure. The aggrieved and frightened Plaintiff commissioned for Sif Thorswife a wig of gold, and further gifted Thor Odinsson with a magical hammer, and gifted Draupnir (a gold ring that reproduces itself) and Gungnir (a magic spear) to Thor’s father, Odin Borsson. It should be noted that the price for these treasures was to be Plaintiff’s own head; however, Plaintiff wisely reminded the creators of these treasures that they could not have any of his neck; the artisans settled for simply sewing shut Plaintiff’s mouth. Plaintiff alleges that, had Plaintiff not been a Jotun, Sif Thorswife would not have needlessly complained and would not have set into motion the events leading to the indignity and physical pain of Plaintiff’s mouth being sewn shut.
· With the birth of Plaintiff’s first son, Fenrir Lokisson, the Defendants kidnapped the infant (who was at the time innocent of any crime) and placed him in a cage. Only Tyr was permitted to care for the child, depriving Plaintiff and the child’s mother (the Giantess Angrboda, a member of the Jotun tribe) of all interaction with their child. As Fenrir Lokisson grew older, the Defendants made a game of binding the child with ever stronger ropes and chains, until young Fenrir was bound so securely as to be unable “to escape until the end of the world.” Further, the Plaintiff alleges that the Defendants have told this hapless child that Odin Borsson, who is known to have killed many of the child’s relatives (members of the Jotun tribe), will eventually also murder Fenrir.
· Upon the birth of Plaintiff’s second son, Jormungandr Lokisson, the Defendants exiled this infant to the far edges of the world (admittedly, to all of the far edges), again depriving Plaintiff and Angrboda the natural expression of parental urges and the affection of their newborn.
· Plaintiff’s daughter, Hel, innocent of any crime, was exiled by the Defendants to the icy world of Helheim, a place with few diversions. Hel Lokisdottir suffered this exile without any trial, no doubt a consequence of her Jotnar blood.
· When the Defendants chose to cheat Contractor, above, out of his fair and justly earned pay for services rendered, they chose Plaintiff to be the instrument of their treachery. As dishonesty violates the laws and Honor of the Defendants, this indicated to Plaintiff that the Defendants considered him to be without Honor, an outsider (as a Jotun). As a consequence of the manner in which Plaintiff accomplished this task, Plaintiff is the mother of Sleipner Lokisson, who was taken from Plaintiff by Co Defendant Odin Borsson. Mr. Borsson persists in riding Sleipner Lokisson as a horse, an activity often seen in college hazings. The facts that Sleipner Lokisson is not a horse (horses have four legs), and that Mr. Lokisson is the son of Mr. Borsson’s one time friend, both seem lost on the Co Defendant. Mr. Lokisson’s treatment can only be considered a result of his Jotun ancestry, as Mr. Borsson does not ride any Aesir or Vanir in this manner.
· Baldur Odinsson was murdered during a picnic by his brother, Höðr Odinnson, facts not in dispute. The Aesir Gods were engaged in “testing” Baldur’s alleged invulnerability by throwing deadly weapons at him. Höðr Odinnson, who is blind, slew his brother by striking him with an arrow of mistletoe, whereupon Höðr Odinnson claimed that Plaintiff was in fact responsible, allegedly having given him the mistletoe missile and aided his aim. No witnesses intervened in this matter, meaning that there were no witnesses at the height of the sport – because Plaintiff did not do what Co-Defendant alleges! It is not disputed that the Aesir Gods insist on others taking responsibility for their actions; yet they ignored this position to accept that A GOD is not responsible for his actions and instead blamed the Jotun who happened to be standing near him. The Defendants further ignored the positive consequence, in which Baldur, confined to Helheim, will not be destroyed at Ragnarok, and will emerge to rule after the end of the world.
· At Aegir’s feast, Plaintiff was told upon arrival, “Of the Gods and Elves here, none speak well of you or wish you well,” a fact recorded in “The Lore” and not in dispute. Angered (“in the heat of the moment,” a defense for poor judgment), Plaintiff pointed out the flaws and misdeeds of the many Gods assembled. This was not slander, as slander requires the claims to be untrue. “The Truth is always a defense.” Plaintiff was taken from the hall and imprisoned without trial in a deep cave, with a serpent dripping caustic venom on him. Plaintiff is bound in the cave with the intestines of his own son, Narvi. Plaintiff alleges that the Laws of the Gods require that a prisoner be tried before a Thing before sentence is executed. Plaintiff alleges that had he not been a Jotun, he would have been tried and a lesser sentence imposed.
· The Court should be aware that the defendants impose no penalty on any of their own kind who kill members of the Jotun tribe, instead heaping honors upon them. This is prima facie evidence of racism of the Aesir Tribe against the Jotun Tribe, perhaps reaching to the level of genocide. In particular, Thor Odinsson is known to have killed many of Plaintiff’s tribesmen, and boasts that he has exterminated an entire family of giants, the Frost Giants (this is Genocide in a literal sense). Thor Odinsson has also attempted unsuccessfully to kill other Jotun, notably the giant Thrymir.
· The Co-defendants of the Aesir Tribe subscribe to a belief in a future battle that they call Ragnarok, and have informed Plaintiff that they expect Plaintiff to die at the hands of Heimdallr, with his son Jormungandr Lokisson likewise slain by Thor Odinsson and Fenrir Lokisson slain by Odin Borsson. This is considered hazing and psychological intimidation in the best case, and communication of a threat which, by light of the killing of Jotun by both Thor Odinsson and Odin Borsson, can be considered to be credible, in any case.
Mr. Laufeysson alleges that the overt racism of the Aesir and Vanir against him, a Jotun, has led to certain mortal Heathens (such as members of a specific “Folk Assembly”) emulating this racism; these mortals have branded Plaintiff “a baneful wight” and denied him worship; these same mortal Heathens cast from their midst any who are sympathetic to Plaintiff or who are friendly to plaintiff’s worshippers and supporters. Furthermore, mortal worshippers ignore the many slights and insults endured by Plaintiff, focusing on Plaintiff’s descent into bitterness and anger without considering the reasons behind this descent. This has made it difficult for Plaintiff to remain gainfully employed in his profession of “Trickster God,” a respected and highly specialized field within the larger profession of “God,” which is the current employment enjoyed by all Co Defendants. Mr. Laufeysson is self-employed and thus not eligible for Unemployment Benefits. His wife, Sigyn Lokiswife, is currently engaged in catching the venom dripped upon Plaintiff in a bowl, preventing her from remaining employed and supporting the surviving family members.
Mr. Laufeysson respectfully requests that the Court regard the causality of Plaintiffs few, and relatively minor, transgressions (a growing anger and bitterness at Plaintiff’s perceived and actual mistreatment at the hands of his chosen companions and allies, and the abuse of Plaintiff’s children by these same companions), these larger economic implications, and the general distaste of educated and reasonable folk to racism and its trappings, and assess punitive damages in the amount of twenty five million dollars, one gold chalice with a relief depicting Odin Borsson kissing the buttocks of a goat, and the largest whoopee cushion ever made (which will be used in Jotunheim, exclusively). In addition, Mr. Laufeysson seeks general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of one million dollars; actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation, offerings not made by mortals) of twenty million dollars and a keg of honey mead; and attorney's fees of one million, seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars, and release from himself and his children from their respective current imprisonments. Total damages: forty seven million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars, one gold chalice, one keg of honey mead, cease and desist of false imprisonments, and one giant whoopee cushion. By awarding Mr. Laufeysson the full amount, this Court will censure Defendants, their worshippers, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language (excluding violence) which they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual God to equal protection under the law.
you judge another, you do not define them; you define yourself.