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Chocolate Ritual

The Chocolate Ritual

Copyright 1993, John Shepard

Performed at Dragonfest, August 1993

Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the big one), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestles Quik and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet.

(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art... Cast no calories in thy presence.
Let no fat adhere to me And as I will so mote it be!

Nestle's Quik where thou art cast... Turn this milk to chocolate fast.
Let all good things come to me, and make my milk all chocolatey!

(using the Tootsie roll)


Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great prince of the palace of dessert!
be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all moochers
approaching from the East

Fondue of the South, Molten one!
Great Prince of the palace of decadence!
be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diets
approaching from the South.

Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!
Great prince of the palace of thirst!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all carob
approaching from the West.

Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great Prince of the palace of crunchy!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all cheap imitations
approaching from the North.


HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss):
Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called:
Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:

HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better
it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public
place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen
of all Goodies. In the mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your
chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good things for your
tongue. And you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall
munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in my presence.
For mine is the ecstacy of phenylalanine, and mine is also the joy on earth,
yea, even into high orbit for my law is "melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you aside.
For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the taste that
puts a smile on your lips and the comfy padding pounds on your hips.
I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy onto the tummies of
men and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious,
and beyond death...well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that. I demand
only you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of
whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and
finer stores everywhere:
I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of
big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles, and
fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul
to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy, from me do all
confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return, again...and
again...and again...and again.

Before me smeared faces, beloved of women and men, thine innermost
divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose. Let my taste
be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts of yumminess and
pleasure are my rituals.

Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling, big
slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries
all within you. And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and
yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery: "We shall sell
no chocolate until you pay for it." For behold: I have been with you
since you were just a baby, and I am that which is attained at nearly
any shop in the land. Messed be.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God,
who was called Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely,
Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other names:

HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the
floor but looks like it may not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest
bitterness of dark chocolate. no matter how you try to resist the call
for chocolate, I will hunt you out, and I will become your sacred prey.
I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road
that leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown. I give
you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw
strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar and the
shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out. You are dear
to me, and I instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate that you
had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight
with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away. By the powers of
the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you, by the darkest
depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering smell of bittersweet
chocolate, I charge you, and by the beauty of a perfectly swirled
vanilla butter cream, I charge you. Follow your heart and your instinct,
wherever they lead you. The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats
that a Mayan kin would envy. Take joy in that first bite of lecithin
emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you
must be wary of deceit.

Eat not of that which is called "Baking Chocolate," for it is vile and
bitter. Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a connoisseur. Leave
a little for someone else.

I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next
corner. I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of
your hoard, I will never be further away from you than that 7-11 on the
corner. I am the spirit of the wild child, the inner child who can never
get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and
mine are intertwined.

CUPCAKES AND YOO-HOO (Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)

HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate
HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate
HP: For both are better than the falsely named "white Chocolate"
HPS: And neither is carob
HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake
HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar Both: And when they
are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no greater snack in all
the world than one made of chocolate.

(Blessing of the cupcakes)

HP: Frosting is keen
HPS: And frosting is neat
BOTH: Great Goddess! Let us eat!

(Feasting and Drinking)

Dismiss the quarters

HPS: oh, ye mighty goodies for the ______, we thank you for attending
our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your sweet and
sticky realms, we say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best."

ALL: Chooooooooc-laaaaate

(After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final satisfying belch at the east

Close circle

Copyright 1993, John L. Shepard. Permission is given to post anywhere as long as the content is not altered and this notice is attached.