yelp and howl*


(seemingly unrelated thoughts that might possibly have been related at one time) 

   If you got to this blog by mistake, that's too bad, because you're going to have to read the whole thing whether you like it or not. So get started, before I swat you. My committment to add stuff irregularly will not waver.

   You might have noticed that each rant subsection is divided by a little dotted line dealie. That's your cue to take a coffee break, or if you prefer, stick your head in the freezer to temporarily stop your brain from thinking. If you intend to take a coffee break at every dotted line, I would suggest buying 100 shares of Starbuck's stock beforehand.

 

 

 

  

   I haven't posted for awhile because I've been hard at work on a pretty special project. Along with a carefully assembled team, I'm starting a new religion. It has some of the characteristics of traditional religions, plus some cool new revenue-producing features. Unless one of the guys comes up with something snappier, we're calling ourselves "Arrogantists." We believe our creator is not a guy with a gray beard, but rather a very big, very fast server with no conscience. The basic precepts are (1) our god is the only one you should be paying attention to; (2) if you don't believe what we say then you're bad; and (3) anyone who openly disagrees with us should be tortured and burned at the stake. We're putting together a little subsidiary where we'll be able to bring in audiences for the stake burnings with a $499.00 per person admission price. We also have a version of "heaven," and to get in, you'll need to bring proof that your net worth exceeds $250,000 usd.


-------------------------------------------- 


   The other day, while I was recycling my mayonnaise jars by placing them carefully into the recycling bins (can I just throw them in there so they break or should I place them in there whole? They're going to get ground up anyway, right?) at my apartment house, I said to myself, "Should I also be recycling my plastic grocery bags?" Each of them weighs probably .00001 grams, but at least I'm contributing to the health of the earth. Then I thought to myself, "What could I contribute that weighs a bit more, so that I'm *really* contributing?" How 'bout cars? If I buy a used car, that's recycling, isn't it? And they weigh more than .00001 grams, so it's a real contribution to the future of my kids' kids. But then I stopped and said, "Wait a minute... Who the hell cares about the future of the earth or my grandkids. I want more sex and a bigger house, right? Screw the earth, that's for those tree-hugger weirdos."  But then I realized that I was having another selfish attack. You've seen it on tv, like at political conventions. 

   Finally I said, "Sure, there is the possibility that, if we stop buying new cars, we'll destroy the U.S. economy as we know it. But the U.S. economy doesn't really revolve around the car industry,  like it does around missile companies and drug companies and stuff like that."

   Anyway, I'm going to hire a consultant...to find out whether war or breathing is more important.... the final results will be available here as a pdf download.

 

 --------------------------------------------

 

   Ever notice that one of the differences between guys and women is that, in a roomful of both, the guys are so busy being competitive that they miss half the stuff that's going on? Maybe one guy should just pee on the furniture to establish territorial rights and then get on with the party. But new guys coming into the room probably wouldn't bother sniffing for scents....that could be perceived as giving up power. Out on the Serengeti the lions apparently don't see it that way, but maybe they're not into peer pressure or they don't care so much about what other lions think. They probably don't have much interest in moving into a gated community.

 

--------------------------------------------

 

   In an old movie called The Last Picture Show, one of the characters says, "People have to hate....'cuz it burns....it burns like love." Some people hate people who live in other geographical areas. Coloradoans hate Texans, Seattleites hate people from Southern California. Then, on a less regional basis, you have Americans hating the French. Of course the French really beat us to that....they hated us first, probably because of dumbass Americans going there and expecting everybody to speak English. I used to hate people who live in areas where it gets over 112 degrees in the summer, but I changed my mind on that. Now I love those people, because when their sweat evaporates it adds moisture to the air and makes the plants in my apartment a little more lush.


 --------------------------------------------

 

   Is there a 12-step program for people who are addicted to manipulation? According to the movie What The (bleep) Do We Know, we're all addicted to something. Power, money, food, cough lozenges, intelligent conversation, penguins, whatever. Why has alcohol been singled out, of all the addictions we can have, for special treatment? Just because it can destroy lives and give your kids a complex? I'm afraid I'm going to need a better reason.

   And what about controlling behavior? If someone is addicted to the high created by the use of power....you know, messing with other people's heads in a way that benefits you and negatively affects them....is *that* a disease? 

   I think we should we have a 12-step program for people addicted to dieting.

 

--------------------------------------------

 

   For centuries, philosophers have agonized over the criteria that determine a person's worth as a human being. What does the word "virtue" mean in the modern world? What creates value in a person? Finally we have an answer:   the year and appearance of your car.

 

--------------------------------------------

 

    While visiting a beautiful website called Forests Forever (www.forests-forever.com), it occurred to me that trees create the air we breathe, and they make our lives possible. Without them we would perish. Is it selfish to cut them down to build a summer home? Not if it's designed by an established architect whose name would be recognized by your friends.

 

--------------------------------------------

 

    Normally I begin reading a person even before they open their mouth. Should I begin judging them before that or after that?

 

--------------------------------------------

 

    Very recently I took a couple of days off from worshipping celebrities in order to do something a bit more important:  buy more shiny shit.  How do you expect me to have any self-esteem if I don't have enough trinkets? 

 

 --------------------------------------------

 

Coming next month:  Ignorant comments about intelligent design.

 



If this crap appeals to you:

send me an email

Note:  Your e-mail address will not be shared with anyone. If we get any.