The Other Page

The next page in my slow but sure domination over the internet 

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I guess I'll post jokes here seeing as its a little less formal.  I'll make another page to put schemes for taking over the world, and another for funny videos.  

No offence is ment by any racial jokes, it's all in good humor.

 

 

 

  • Ask a Ninja 
  • How's your mom and bricks the same?
  • They both get laid by Mexicans 
  • Why did the pervert cross the road?
  • Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken
  •  Two blonds walk into a building
  • You'd think one of them would have seen it
  • How many Irishmen does it take to replace a lightbulb?
  • 100, 1 to hold the bulb, and 99 to get drunk enough to make the room spin. (I'm irish by the way)
  • What's soft and hairy on the outside, white and soft on the inside, starts with a C, ends with a T, and has a U and an N in it?
  • A Coconut
  • What's the last thing that goes through a fly's head as he hits the windsheild?
  • His ass
  • Two midgets went to Las Vegas on a trip, and of course, you can't go to Las Vegas and not pick up a few hookers. Now that night, one midget could not get hard. at all. "oh, wow, look I'm really really sorry...I'm so embarressed..."  the worst part was that he had to listen to his freind in the next room going "1..2...3...HUH!...1..2...3...HUH!" all night. the next morning, the other midget says "so how was your night?"  "Aww, it was terrible, I couldn't get hard all night."  "You think that's bad? I couldn't get up on the bed."
  • Leading Japanese scientists have recently developed a digital camera with a shutter speed so fast, it is now possible to catch a woman with her gob shut!
  • A blond walks into a laundymat and says to the woman:

Can you wash this for me?

the woman didnt hear her, so she said:

 come again?

no, it was coffe this time 

 

  • Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

    When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.


  • God said let there be light and Chuck Norris said "Say Please".

 

  • What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

    They can both smell it but can't eat it.

 

  • What do you call a blond with 2 brain cells?

 Pregnant

  • What do you call a smart person in America?

A Tourist


  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light ... not because he’s afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

 

  • The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

    Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

    "It's a period" reported Johnnie.

    "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

    "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." 

 

  • An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

    At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."

    "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

    The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

 

  •   What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

    The bucket.

 

  • A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

    Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

    This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

    Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!

 

  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

  •   A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

    The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

    The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

    Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
    Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

    The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

  • A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"

    "I was in bed."

    "What were you doing in bed this late?"

    "Getting a second opinion."

 

  •   A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, "What size?"

    The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

    "Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

    "Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.

    The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

    The man replies, "To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

 

  • Baseball in the bible:

    In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out. 

 

  • Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

    "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

    The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

 

  • What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?

    A full set of teeth. 

 

  • How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

    1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
    2) None. Social workers never change anything.
    3) None. They empower it to change itself!
    4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
    5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.

 

  • The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

 

  • A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

    He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

    In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

 

  • They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows. 

 

  • Two rednecks are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

    "Jus' some chickens."

    "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"

    "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

    "OK. Ummmmm ... five?" 

 

  • What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

    Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. 

 

  • What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

    Another lawyer. 

 

  • A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

    "Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

    Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

    After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!

    Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

    "No," croaks the old man "... But its startin to twitch." 

 

  • Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

    The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"

 

  • A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

    After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

    After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth." 

That's like something I would do :)

 

  • Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." and the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

  •  A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

    She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

    He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

 

  • One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

    Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

    Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

 

  • Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"
    The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
  •  
  • A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

    The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

    The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."

 I actually told my mom that one ^ in church :)

  • After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."

    Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."

    And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

    Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

    And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"

 

  • A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.
    He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
    The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
    "Why did you make her so good-looking?"
    "So you could love her, my son."
    "Why did you make her such a good cook?"
    "So you could love her, my son."

    The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"

    "So she could love you, my son." 

 

  • A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

    "Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

    The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

    You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

    That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

    Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
    Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
    Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
    Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
    And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.

 

  • The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

    "There is." he replied, "Breakfast." 

 

  • A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

    "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

    "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!" 

 

  • How many men does it take to open a beer?

    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. 

 

  • Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.

    Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
    Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."

 

  •  The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.

    But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.

    Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.

    Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.

    Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!  -little johnny"
      

 

  •  How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    two, one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to suck my cock

 

  • How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

    Both of us.

 I felt bad about all my sexist jokes, so there you go.

  • Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

    His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

    "Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

    "What do you mean?" said Dad.

    "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" 

 

  • A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

    His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

    The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

 

  • When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

    They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

  • A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

    His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."

    He replies, "Gotcha!"
     


 

  • How do you get your dishwasher to work?

    Slap her!


 

  • President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President.

    "It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?"

    "Just go ahead and pay it."


 

  • The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."

    "Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheel chair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.

    "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ..."

    On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "... And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"


 

  • The National Poetry Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu”

    First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He confidently stepped to the microphone and said:

    “Slowly across the desert sand
    Trekked a lonely caravan
    Men on camels, two by two
    Destination: Timbuktu.”

    The crowd went crazy. No way could the redneck top this, they thought.

    The redneck, with sweat rolled down his face, made his way to the microphone and said:

    “A friend and I a hunting went,
    We spied three maidens in a tent,
    They being three, we being two,
    I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”

 

  • A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

    "Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

    The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
    Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

    The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

    "You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."


 

  • There was a husband and a wife who had a very good sex life ... at least the wife thought so. The only problem with it was that the husband always had to have the lights off when they made love. So one day the wife decides to suprise him and turns the lights on in the middle of it.

    She realizes her husband is using a cucumber!

    She asks him if this is what he has been using their entire marriage. He replies "Yes." She becomes angry and starts screaming at him, calling him a "stupid cheating bastard."

    He looks at her and says, "I'm the stupid cheating bastard? Explain our 4 kids!"


 

  • There was a fly looking at some food in a river. The fly thought, "If I go down, I can get the food!"

    There was a fish looking at the fly. The fish thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can get the fly!"

    There was a bear looking at the fish. The bear thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, and that fish comes up to get the fly, I can get the fish!"

    There was a man looking at the bear. The man thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear gets the fish, I can shoot the bear!"

    There was a mouse looking at the man. The mouse thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, and the man shoots the bear, I can get the man's sandwich!"

    There was a cat looking at the mouse. The cat thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse gets the sandwich, I can get the mouse!"

    So the fly goes down to get the food. The fish comes up and gets the fly. The bear swipes his mighty paw and gets the fish. The man shoots the bear. The mouse runs for the man's sandwich. The cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls in the river.

    What's the moral of the story?

    When the fly goes down, the pussy gets wet.


 

  • How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?

    Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.


 

  • At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.

    "Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."
     
  •  Jim and this blonde were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the Jim.

    "Bet you $10 he won't," replied the blonde. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The blonde hands the first his money.

    "I can't take your money," said Jim. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

    "No, no. Take it," said the Blonde. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

 

  • Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

    Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

    Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

    That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

    The next morning he reported to his father.

    Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

    Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

    Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit." 

 

  •  Golf rules for beginners:

    1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
    2) Form a loose grip.
    3) Keep your head down.
    4) Avoid a quick back swing.
    5) Stay out of the water.
    6) Try not to hit anyone.
    7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
    8) Don't stand directly in front of others.
    9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
    10) Don't take extra strokes.

    Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off. 

 

  • There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

    The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

    "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

    "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I." 

 

  • Mike Tyson has agreed to fight Prince Charles for his next boxing match.

    It seems that no one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.

 

  •  Patty loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immedeatly falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.

    The next morning, Patty's wife says, "Patty, you son of a bitch! You were at the bar last night drinking again!"

    Patty was confused. "How did you find out?"

    "The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."

 

  •  Want to hear a joke?

women's rights 

 

  • This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

    The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

    The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

    The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

    "Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

    The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

    Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

    "How did it go?" the doctor asked.

    "Terrible, doctor, terrible."

    "Did it not work?"

    "Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

    "Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

    "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

     


    •  A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

      The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

      He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

      The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

      The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

      The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

      "Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

  •  Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

 

  • Q: What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? A: Telling your parents you're gay.

 

  • Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

    God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."

    Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

    God said, "An arm and a leg."

    Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

     
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