Transcript by: Tai Craven Stephen Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey, and welcome to the QI H-anatomy lesson, where we’re discussing heads, hands, hips, hearts, and indeed any other part of the body beginning with “H” And joining me with scalpels at the ready are four prime specimens of the human body, so give a big hand for Sue Perkins [Audience: applause] And a hearty cheer for Bill Bailey [Audience: Hooray!] And a hip hip hip-replacement hooray for Gyles Brandreth [Audience: hip-hip hooray!] Wa-hey, very good, and a hair-raising scream for Alan Davis [Audience: screams] Alan [covers his ears] Stephen Wow! Alan Love the way it stopped dead. Stephen Woo! That was good. And now thanks to the handiwork of my audio elves, your buzzers should be ready and Sue goes: Sue [presses buzzer, which plays the recorded burst of applause] Ooh! Stephen I don’t know, I think it was a round of applause. And Bill goes: Bill [presses buzzer, which plays the recorded “Hooray!” from the audience] Stephen And Gyles goes: Gyles [presses buzzer, which plays the audience shouting “Hip-hip hooray!”] Stephen And Alan goes: Alan [presses buzzer, which plays the audiences piercing scream] Stephen Oh, we recorded, cleverly, the audience. Isn’t that brilliant? Sue Yeah. Bill Clever. Stephen So, let’s start with “H”… Bill It’s already one of the weirdest shows I’ve ever been on. Stephen [laughs] Yeah, we try and do our best. Sue This sounds like a pensioner sitting on a, on a bag of Rice Krispies. [presses buzzer] [mimes crunching in her seat] [presses buzzer again] Stephen You’re right. It’s certainly not someone under 65 sitting on a bag of Rice Krispies is it. Gyles Or somebody putting their fingers in the socket, do it again? Sue [presses buzzer again] Gyles [mimes being electrocuted] Slow way to go, but nice. Stephen Yeah, ooh, lovely. Sue Easy, tiger. Easy. Stephen Careful. Sue Pleasure delay, remember? Stephen Well, let’s start with “H” for hands. What can you tell about someone from their palms? Viewscreens: Photo of palms and a finger-painted background. Alan Oh, how long they’re going to live, whether they’re going to get married… Bill The future. Alan … how many children they’re going to have. Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words “THE FUTURE". Alan [pointing to Bill] He said future, I didn’t say future, he said future. Bill [pointing to Alan] Hey! He started it! I just joined in. Stephen Maybe we’ll halve the forfeit between you. Alan Ohh! Can’t believe I get a forfeit for his! Stephen But no, empirically and obviously it’s never been proven that any such thing could ever be demonstrated by looking at your palms. But, there are things you can tell. Gyles Forgive me… Stephen Yes? Gyles Did you say it’s never been proved? Stephen Yeah. Gyles But there are people who feel they have done it. Stephen Yeah, feeling you’ve done something is not quite the same as empirical scientific… thank god you’re out of government. Gyle [laughs] Stephen Woo! Alan [holds up palm] They sweat, that’s all they do. Stephen Well… Alan To varying degrees. Stephen But they have ridges. We’ll ignore the lines of palmistry for the moment, but there is such a thing as palm diagnosis, there is a way of finding out predispositions towards rather important and life threatening… Gyles Good god. Stephen … happiness threatening illnesses. Bill Oh. So it actually will spell something? Stephen Alphabetti… Bill You’re going to d… hmm? Stephen [laughs] you’re going to d… Gyles Where do we see this? Where does this happen? Sue Do they swell up? Do they go red? Stephen The ridges of the palms. Who was responsible for discovering fingerprints? He was a very famous scientist called Francis Galton, whose name was rather ruined by the fact that he believed in eugenics, which was rather discredited. But… Sue That’s always a shame. Stephen It is a bit, yes. But he also noted the ridges and the whorls on the palm. And then 30 years later in the 1920’s it was discovered that those with Down’s Syndrome have completely different palms from anyone else. And then by the 1960’s at least 20 conditions were shown to present themselves on the palms. [Everyone inspects their palms] Sue How gullible are we, like this, Gyles and I like that. Heal us! [Gyles and Sue, both with palms upturned and arms outstretched, lean towards Stephen] Sue Make us whole again. Gyles Tip us! Sue We work for food. Stephen [laughs] Viewscreens: An illustration of a palm. Gyles But going back if I may to the palmistry, all I will say is this, that you dismiss palmistry but there were people a hundred years ago, perhaps the wisest people of the time, who consulted palmists. Stephen Indeed there were, including of course, our mutual hero… Gyles Our mutual friend Oscar Wilde, but Mark Twain did… Stephen Mark Twain, yeah. Gyles Queen Victoria, I think did, Edward the Seventh… Stephen Gladstone. Gyles And they… Stephen Who was the palmist they consulted, do you know? Gyles They consulted a man; Oscar Wilde certainly consulted a man called Cheiro. Stephen That was, well, Cheiro… Gyles Cheiro from the Greek meaning hair. Stephen But his real name was? Gyles His real name was William Warner. Stephen You’re right, there he is. Viewscreens: Photo of William Warner. Stephen He was Irish. Gyles He was Irish, and his great-great-grandson’s brother married Elizabeth Taylor. Senator Warner. But that’s just incidental. Stephen That’s good to know. He also called himself Count Von Hamon. But no, that’s a really good answer on William Warner and it’s superb to hear. Splendid answers, all round. Thank you very much. The fact is palmistry won’t tell you your future, [One of the skeletons behind Stephen appears to reach towards him. Stephen is unaware.] but it can tell you your past in the form of genetic markers that were set down [The skeleton leans closer and appears to tickle Stephen. The audience starts to laugh.] while you were in the… womb. [looks at Alan, suspiciously] Somebody playing with me [he puts his cards down and turns around] There is a piece of… wire [pulls on a wire connecting Alan to the skeletons hand] Stephen I’ve been goosed by the palm of a skeleton. Alan [wiggles skeleton hand back and forth] I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes thinking, when shall I do it, when shall I do it? Stephen Thank you. Alan They’re talking about palms, it should be now, it should be now! Ha-hey! [Alan yanks on the wire and the skeleton topples over. He jumps up to go and fix it] Stephen You see, it had to end… oh dear. Oh dear. Alan [ventriloquizing with the skeletons disembodied skull] Sorry! Bill Keith, Keith, man. Me head’s come off. Alan [putting the skull back onto the skeleton] Stephen Oh my heavens. Alan Just… carry on, carry on. Sue They actually look a little bit like The Cheeky Girls. Stephen [after a thoughtful pause] They do. Yes. Answer me another question. Marcel Proust. Bill À la recherche du temps perdu. Stephen Very good. Now, why did Marcel Proust have such a limp handshake? Viewscreens: Photo of Marcel Proust. . Stephen There he is. There’s Marcel. Alan He hasn’t slept for about five years. Sue [presses buzzer, mimes sitting on Rice Krispies] See, I feel bad saying this but I know he, he was a known homosexual. Stephen He was well gay. Sue He was well gay. But like, I don’t want to say that he had the limp handshake because he was gay. It’s like saying he loved to buy scatter cushions and just throw them around the gaff of a weekend. Stephen [laughs] Sue I mean it seems a really, you know, reductive thing to say. But I don’t know if it’s relate… Stephen There are, there are types of gay who go round in muscle vests and are very butch, and there are types of gay, like Marcel, who are limp wristed and who like ornament and design. He famously wrote only in a cork-lined room, he was very sensitive and so on. But… Bill What, he was very buoyant? Stephen Buoyant [laughs] highly buoyant. He was very buoyant. Sue Anytime, he could set sail. Bill He could write anywhere in the world. Oceans, anywhere. Gyles [presses buzzer] I’m going to offer a thought. Ok? Bill Right. Gyles He, being gay, spent a lot of time in North Africa. Sue [imitates Gyles] North Africahh. Gyles [with his index finger raised in mid-air] One of the things I discovered when I spent time in Africa… Sue Are you coming out? Is this a coming out speech? Cause if it is that that’ll be the picture [raises her finger and points in imitation] so just watch out. Gyles Why not, tonight could be the night, you’re right. Bill It could be the night. Sue I know your party is behind you. Stephen [laughs] Yes, Gyles? Gyles I’m going to suggest this, when I went to Africa I was quite disconcerted to find that traditionally the African handshake is not simply very soft, but it lingers. [to Sue] Shake my hand. Sue Ohh, it’s just an excuse… again. Gyles No, no. Sue The injunction Gyles, the injunction. Bill Don’t touch him! Gyles We shake hands like this, [shaking Sue’s hand] in Europe we shake hands like that. I think in Africa we shake hands like this [lightly holds Sue’s fingertips] and we hold the hand. Sue Stop… Gyles I have a lot of experience of this. Sue Stop it… Gyles In Africa… Sue He’s glued me, I can’t get out. Gyles I don’t wish to name drop but I went to interview Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and he held my hand like this for a long, long time. Sue [struggling to get free] Did he? Bill And he was saying to his aide, who is this again? Gyles I’m thinking that Marcel Proust spent time in North Africa and rather liked this tradition and brought it back with him to Paris. Sue [is finally released from the handshake; exaggeratedly swings her arm away in relief] Stephen It’s an interesting idea, I have no evidence that Proust went; I know that André Gide went to Northern Africa. Gyles Oh, that’s who I’m thinking of. Oh. [puts his head in his hand] Stephen You’re thinking of André Gide. Sue You sweated on my hand for that! Stephen André Gide was out and proud. He was probably the man who invented the word homosexual; as it were, in his book Corydon. And he was out. Marcel as not out. Marcel was embarrassed and ashamed of being gay, and indeed he went to brothels to try and cure himself of his… Gyles Oh, we’ve all tried that. Stephen [laughs] You heard it here first, folks. Sue [imitates Gyles] “The North Africans hold hands like that, my darling.” Stephen It was a sort of double bluff is the only way I can explain it. He had a friend; a Romanian count who said to him, look, I can teach you how to do a more manly handshake, then people won’t think that you’re an ‘invert’, as the word was, then. Alan Invert. Stephen Invert, yeah. Alan That was a gayer? Stephen A ‘gayer’, yeah. And Marcel Proust said no, if I do that people will think I’m trying to look straight. Whereas if I confidently am all limp. Gyles It’s a double bluff. Stephen It’s a double bluff. Bill Good lord. Do you know I’ve been spending too much time just drinking cider and… I should have been reading the novels of Proust. I feel I’ve missed out. Stephen Well he’s a famous, it’s famous for people never actually having read him, isn’t he. Gyles Has anybody finished it? Sue Never. Stephen It’s enormously long. There’s a famous scene that opens in Du côté de chez Swann. What scene? Gyles The biscuit scene. Stephen Describe it? Gyles I can’t describe it. But it is to do with… Sue Does it involve touching? [hold hands up defensively] Gyles It could. Bill Don’t touch him! Gyles If you want to be the little biscuit? Sue [crosses arms over her chest] I don’t want to be your little biscuit. Gyles Madeleine. Sue [panicky] I don’t want to be your madeleine. Gyles The little madeleine. Sue No, I don’t want to. Gyles The smell of the madeleine evokes for him always, it takes him back to the past. Stephen Yeah, the whole book springs from one moment, it’s an epiphanic moment where he’s, the narrator has a cup of tea, and he dips a biscuit in it, a little madeleine, you know the scallop shaped biscuits? Bill Ohh… Stephen He dips it in and he’s just bringing the tea and the biscuit to his lips, he gets the smell of the tea and the biscuit, and the entire world of this seven volume novel comes into his head, it evokes a memory, you know the way smells do, you get a smell and it takes you… Bill Wait a minute, are you trying to say this whole thing is based on a dunking incident? Stephen Yes, exactly. That is, you will find often, people referring to, that was my ‘madeleine moment’. Where they suddenly something triggered a whole series of memories they never knew they had. Gyles The joy is you don’t need to read the book, you just need to buy the biscuit, dunk [sniffs] Ah! Yes the whole thing is… Stephen That worked for him because he, as a child, sat with his aunt and had biscuits. Sue So we can do it with a Hobnob? Stephen It might be a Hobnob for you; it might be the smell of who knows what for you, Bill. Bill Oh right, the inside of a tennis ball, or something. Stephen Yeah, absolutely. Alan Inside of a tennis ball? Bill Inside of a tennis ball. Stephen It’s got a very rubbery smell. Sue Can you just slit it and [mimes sniffing the opened tennis ball] work it. It’s good. Bill Oh-ho! [mimes puffing on a tennis ball] Alan Why Don't You...? [mimes tennis ball puppets] Just bringing it back to my level for a moment. Talking tennis balls and Why Don't You...? was a highlight of my childhood. I may write a seven volume novel about it. Stephen To handshakes, we said that palms don’t reveal personality, do handshakes? Viewscreens: Various photos of handshakes. Alan I don’t like a feeble handshake, gives me the creeps. Bill No, that’s not right, is it. Sue I don’t like a sweaty hand, that’s the worst. Alan I don’t like it when there’s something left on your hand after you’ve... Sue Residue. Stephen I don’t like the other hand coming in to clasp either. The second thing… Bill Oh, the clasper. Sue That’s a power thing. Isn’t that like a dominance thing? Gyles It is, totally. Sue [gruff] Me, man. Gyles But when you see people holding hands, the dominant figure, if you see them walking down the street, the dominant figure is the figure with the hand on the outside. [to Sue] Hold my hand. Close your eyes and hold my hand. Sue Not again, Gyles. Bill Don’t do it! Gyles This is over in a moment, just take my hand. [holds out his hand] Sue [turns her head away from Gyles] I’m looking away. [puts hand toward his, limply, but does not hold it] Gyles No you do it, you’ve got to take my hand. Sue [reluctantly takes his hand, placing it under his] Gyles You let me dominate you. You chose, you chose. Stephen Whoa! Sue you’ve let the sisters down! Gyles [still holding Sue’s hand] You chose, you chose, you chose. Sue What do you want! Do you want me to be submissive, or dominant, I mean with… Stop stroking the under-thing of it! [smacks Gyles hand and reels away] Stephen [laughs] Sue Who does that? [tickles the underneath of her hand] He did the inverted crab. Gyles [defensively] You said you liked it. Earlier you said you liked it. Sue No. That was the inverted… Stephen Oh god. Oh god, they’re having a row. Sue I’ve now got two… Bill Did it tickle? The crazy spider? Sue It did. He did do the crazy spider. Stephen Well, though handshakes do tell us a lot, don’t they, I mean individually we instinctively respond, as we’ve just shown, to handshakes that repel us. Alan I don’t like a cruncher. Stephen Exactly, well Paul Flynn the labour MP in Wales actually suggested that people who gave really strong handshakes should be charged for assault. Sue He’s not a busy man is he. Stephen No. So anyway Marcel Proust used a limp handshake because he wanted to conceal the fact that he was gay in an elaborate kind of double bluff. Now I want you to imagine you’ve been transported to the 19th century and the trip has given you a banging headache. You want to have a hole drilled in your head to get rid of the pain and the pressure, so where’s the best place to have it? Viewscreens: Illustration ’Dr Syntax with a Blue Stocking Beauty’ by Thomas Rowlandson Bill Um. Sue A trepanning? Alan [pointing to top of head] Bill Germany? Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words “JUST HERE". Alan [laughing, still pointing to the top of his head] I’m slightly worried they can now read my mind, these people. Stephen [laughing] Exactly, I suppose it is. Alan It is the eighth series I suppose. Stephen It basically is. Germany you said, no Germany probably not the best place… Alan [still pointing to the top of his head] Don’t they trepan in the top? Stephen But literally where is the best place to go, you’re in the 19th century should it be Europe, should it be America? Gyles Harley St. Stephen Harley St was a very bad place to go. Sue Um, they would go to… Alan Margate. Sue France? Bill Trepanning, isn’t it in Africa they trepan. Stephen Africa, probably a better bet that Harley St. But it seems that Papua New Guinea would probably be the best bet. In the 19th century if you had this, what’s it called again, you used the word? Sue Trepanning. Stephen Trepanning, yeah, 78 per cent of those who had it done in London and the West died. Sue From blood poisoning? Stephen But in Papua New Guinea where… yes, from cross infections. Alan Why did people keep going, that’s incredible. Eight out of ten people die. I’m up for it. My head’s terrible. Stephen Yeah, but it wasn’t because they had a hole drilled in their head it was because they got infected. Gyles What was it for, the trepanning? Stephen Well, to relieve pressure supposedly, earlier, it’s the original form of surgery as far as we know from archaeology. The oldest form that ever there was. Viewscreens: Photos of skulls. And we know that it was, well, I won’t say successful, we know there wasn’t a failure there’s a way of knowing that it didn’t kill people, which is? Gyles Some of them survived? Sue A little bit of tissue grows. Stephen Yeah, you see the skull has completely re-healed you see because people have lived for years afterwards. Sue Did they used to put coins in the hole and things like that, they used to put stuff, 'cause you’re left with a big gaping hole, you do want to seal it. Stephen You are, yeah. Bill You could put like a dispenser and turn your head in to a Pez machine. [mimes dispensing and eating Pez from his head] Sue Just press your ear. Stephen Originally in older cultures, you’d clamp the victims head between your legs… [leans back with legs parted and gestures towards himself] Alan What are you doing? [gives Stephen a look up and down] Stephen Ay ay! Alan [laughs, shakes his head] Stephen You’d just get a stone, a piece of obsidian or flint, and you’d scrape onto the scalp until grooves and grooves, and you can see this obviously in old skulls, and here… Viewscreens: Painting ‘Head Operation’ by David Teniers the Younger. Sue He’s not happy about that. Stephen He’s not happy. Bill [laughs at the painting] Stephen But, Prince Rupert, nephew of Charles the first, played by Timothy Dalton in the film Cromwell Sue Ah, now I remember. Stephen Yes, you see. Ah, yeah he had a trepanning, he had terrible headaches. But there was Prince Philip of Nassau in the 1590’s. In 1591 alone he was trepanned 27 times. Sue His head would look like a teabag he’d be so perforated. Stephen Yeah, his head would look like a colander, frankly, wouldn’t it. But it didn’t kill him. In fact he went on later to win a drinking competition against someone who died… Sue [mimes holding an empty glass upside down above her head] Stephen …from drinking too much and he carried on drinking. So the 27 trepans in one year… Alan It all came pouring out of his head [mimes a fountain spurting from the holes in his head] Sue Beer hair. Stephen The point is in New Guinea they used found sharp things to do the hole, and then poured coconut milk over it, which is sterile, whereas in the 19th century in Britain they were in hospitals where all kinds of cross infections were possible and it was a lot more dangerous for that reason. Viewscreens: Photo of surgical instrument set and skulls. Stephen But what about open, do you know about open craniotomies? Open brain surgery where someone is conscious? Why would you want someone to be awake while you operated? Sue So you know that they can use their fingers and their senses? Stephen That’s right, so you know you’re not, because we still know so little about the brain that there is every chance that you’re an inch out in where you’re operating and you can ruin a speech centre or a motion centre. Alan [says something unintelligible and laughs to himself] Stephen There’s a man called Adcock, Eddie Adcock, I think he’s name was, he’s quite a senior figure in the world of Bluegrass music. He had a hand tremor and they decided to do one of these conscious craniotomies on him, and we actually have film of it, he plays the banjo all the way through… Sue No way. [imitates sound of banjo] Stephen …to check that they’re no interfering with his… so can we see Mr Adcock? There he is. Viewscreens: Video of Eddie Adcock undergoing surgery while playing his banjo. Stephen It’s pretty astonishing isn’t it? Excellent. Bill That is mental. Alan I saw in Star Trek they took Spock’s brain clean out. Stephen Yeah. Alan And replaced it with another one. And they did it all, he lay on his back, and they put a kind of board over his head and the man stood behind him going [mimes fiddling] “Right, the brain’s out now.” And then the new brain’s in, and then they took the board up and his head was absolutely fine. Stephen The fact is trepanning is the oldest known form of surgery and in the 19th century you were better off having it done in the jungles of Papua New Guinea than in the hospitals of London. From holey heads to holy heads, now can you tell me where the halo should go on this saint? Viewscreens: Painting ‘St. Valerie and St. Martial’ by Giovanni Antonio Galli. Sue Ooh. Stephen See that her head is separated from her body. Bill Oh I see, it’s gone. She’s holding it. Alan Looks like the fellow with the bead’s done it by accident. [throws arms up in horror] “Oh god, it’s come off!” Bill And the little bloke behind him’s going [shrugs] “I told you, I told you.” Stephen She asked for half a kilo of Roquefort and he was clumsy with his cheese cutter. Alan “I’m so sorry.” Gyles Does it depend on where we think her soul was? Stephen Well, yes, it’s up to the artist but it’s a really moot point. Do you put it over… Sue The stump? Gyles Or maybe two? Could she have two? Stephen That might have been a much… Gyles It would have been a diplomatic solution wouldn’t it. Stephen Some artists depicted her with it over the stump as it were, where her head was and others, where her head is now, in a sort of ring, an aureole. There are different names for halos, do you know any others? Sue Nimbus. Stephen Nimbus is a good name. Gyles Gloriole. Stephen Glori-‘ole is one. Sue [laughs] Glori-‘ole. Gyles No, gloriole, we say gloriole. Stephen [laughs] Do we? It’s a shame because glori-‘ole is somehow better, I don’t know why. Gyles [looks into the camera, dumbfounded] Gloriole sounds more like a biscuit. Stephen Describe the pope’s glori-‘ole. Gyles Ah. Sue Ah, now I’ve seen this, as a Catholic you’re, it’s something you have to look at. Alan [hunched over with laughter] I’ve seen it online. Sue Some are square. Stephen Some do have square halos, you’re right. Sue Pope Gregory had a square glori-‘ole. Stephen My goodness you’re getting points there. Sue I was a catholic. Stephen Yes you’re absolutely right, he was the first Pope, Gregory the Great, there are many Gregory’s obviously, to declare that he should have a nimbus, he should have a glori-‘ole. Gyles Gloriole. Stephen But glory-‘ole is so much funnier. You don’t, you’re too innocent to know what a gloryhole is? Gyles Oh, I see, is it a rude joke. Stephen Oh, sweet, sweet boy. Sue So can you have any shape glory-‘ole? Can you have some square ones and… Gyles Triangular ones. Stephen Triangular ones for? Sue Have you got a triangular glory-‘ole? Bill A triangular glory-‘ole? Oh, somebody’s shoved a Toblerone through it. Stephen Whoa! Wow. Gyles If one is allowed to be a little bit rude, there is a church in Mexico that people visit to, in order to see the glory-‘ole of St Joseph, father of our Lord; nominally, where his private part has a little halo above it. Stephen Well, being Jewish we would have had the real halo removed so, I suppose, it makes sense. Sue The Moyle would have come and removed, would have taken that halo off. Bill It was known as the ring of confidence. How extraordinary, really, and is that common? Gyles It’s on his member. Sue So like a sort of angelic Prince Albert. Gyles Whatever that may be, possibly. Stephen One would assume that it is a local pre-Christian cult idea, I mean for example in Nigeria, there are parts where it used to be common as a kind of handshake to touch, in some tribes, to touch the penis of the person… Sue [to Giles] Don’t do it. Stephen [laughs] Gyles I didn’t realise that was a possibility, but how interesting. Stephen So I’m sure there may well have been some Mayan or Aztec thing in… Gyles I feel I’ve seen paintings with animals with halos. Stephen Oh, the oxen in the stall in the nativity for example. Or the donkey on which Christ rode into Jerusalem on. Gyles Yeah, donkeys can have them. Viewscreens: Painting ‘Martyrdom of St. Denis’ by Leon Bonnat. Sue Ooh, who’s that fellow? Stephen Oh look, there we are there’s, another one. Bill There’s a sparkler. Stephen That’s St. Denis the patron saint of? Sue There’s a sparkler in his head. Bill There’s a sparkler in his head. Stephen He’s got a sparkler in his head as well as a halo on his decapitated head. St. Denis is the patron saint of Paris. And indeed headaches. Alan It’s the same fellow going [holds arms out in alarm] “I’ve done it again.” Stephen Yes it is. It seems to be. Alan “It’s come clean off! I told you.” Stephen “That’s the second time this week!” Bill It keeps happening. Alan “I’m so clumsy! Swinging the thing around, not thinking.” [mimes accidentally decapitating] Bill He’s a clumsy barber, isn’t he. “Just give you a little trim…. [mimes slitting throat] Oh, no. Oh, sorry” Alan “That’s why I’ve got such a long beard, I don’t trust myself.” Sue And there’s a member of the Chippendales, just looking on. Stephen Yes, exactly. Which is always nice. Sue Lovely. Lovely display. Stephen [slowly, deliberately] What’s not to like. Sue [laughs] Yeah. Stephen So, good. Excellent. When a saint has his head chopped off his main worry seems to be knowing where to put his halo. Now how would you know if you had a shrunken head? Viewscreens: Photo of Stephen with a tiny head on top of his normal body. Stephen I’m going to give you some. [Stephen hands two shrunken heads to Alan, who hands one to Bill] Bill [reluctant to even touch it] Ohh! Sue Ohh! Is it real? Stephen Well, that’s my question, how can you tell whether you have an authentic shrunken head… [tosses a head across the desk to Gyles, who catches it] Gyles Eurgh! Bill Oh I see. How can you tell that you actually have a shrunken head yourself? Stephen [tosses a head to Sue, who catches it] Sue Does it come with a certificate? Stephen Well no, that you could probably tell. Bill That’d be easy… Stephen [points to viewscreen] There, like me. Bill ‘Cause there we are. Sue Oh. Is one of these real? Stephen Ah, well, what do you know about shrunken heads? Where would you get one? There’s some real ones. Viewscreens: Photo of authentic shrunken heads. Sue Ecuador. Peru. Stephen Ecuador is exactly right. This is brilliant, you’re on fire. That is impressive. Do you know the name of the tribe? Sue No. No. Stephen It’s the Shuar people. Sue Shuar. Stephen Shuar people, who are a clan… Bill Yeah. The Shrunkies. Stephen …of the Jívaro tribe. In exactly the area… Sue [laughs] The Shrunkies? Stephen …exactly the area. Gyles [holds his shrunken head up by its string] Oh look, you put this in the back of your car. Stephen Yay! You might. Sue [laughs] So you think this is an early nodding dog? Gyles [bounces the head] Yes. Alan That feels like horse hair or something to me. Bill Yeah, no, it doesn’t feel… Sue It smells. Gyles Are they still doing it? Stephen Well, no not officially it’s against the law, but in every Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum there’s at least one. There’s 29 by our count. [to Alan] Oh, that’s lovely. Alan [using his head as a finger puppet which skitters across the desk and jumps onto the buzzer, which makes the sound of the audiences recorded scream] Stephen Give me a recipe, how would you do it? Bill How would you actually… Stephen How would you shrink a head? Alan Put it in the washing machine on very high heat. Sue That would do it. Stephen So, I mean that is a normal human head but it’s reduced to the size of a… Sue You’ve got to take the skull out. Stephen Those are real size. Alan You’d have to take all the skin off someone wouldn’t you? Stephen
You’d take all the skin off in one go, right, including the hair, throw away the skull and the eyes into a river, if you’re a Shuar tribesman. So you’ve got the skin, alright, you’ve got the whole skin, then you turn it inside out and you scrape it. Alan [Alan’s head presses the buzzer, which screams] Bill Nice. Stephen I didn’t invent this, yeah, then you get it back the right way again, keeping all the features as perfect as you can… Alan Much like skinning a rabbit. Stephen … yeah, then you bind the lips together, you sew them together, and sew the eyelids, right, then you pop in hot stones and sand, right… Alan To give it shape? Stephen Heat it up, then you simmer it. Sue I’m making note of this. [gets pen and notebook out] How long do you simmer it for? Stephen Gas mark two, my darling. Sue Bay leaf? Stephen Yeah, a Bay leaf, always. Never go wrong with that. And then you kipper it, you smoke it essentially. And then voilà. Gyles To what purpose? Stephen Well, they’re a pretty ferocious group of people, these Shuar and they’re the ones who are famous for dipping… Viewscreens: Photo of a group of Shuar people. Gyles Oh! For the man with the molten lava? Are these, is this the cruel, the cruellest people in the history of the world? Stephen Well, they’re certainly pretty cruel. Gyles I remember the teacher who taught us this, he was pretty vicious himself. Stephen Right. Gyles And there was a Spanish general who tried to tame this Shuar tribe, and they had the last laugh. They took him, they pulled open his mouth, they poured molten gold down his gullet until his bowels burst. Stephen That is exactly right, and it sounds like a good repayment for his greed for gold. Gyles Indeed it was, that’s why they used gold. Stephen Yeah, indeed. And… Gyles Why are they so unpleasant? Stephen …they are also the tribe famous for dipping darts in Curare, the poison beloved of detective writers. Bill Curare, yes. Oh. Sue That’s the one that gets your nervous system, central nervous system. Stephen Absolutely. Sue [at viewscreens] They’ve got lovely bobble hats. Stephen They’re lovely, it’s a good look. Stephen Yours are not human, they are goat or alpaca. And these are available in Ecuador as tourist knickknacks and are quite expensive. Viewscreens: Photo of imitation shrunken heads. Bill Oh I see, so that’s a goat’s face. [sniffs the head closely] Stephen Well, at least goat skin. And you can usually tell one that’s done by either someone imitating the tribesman, is that the lips are too neatly sewn up, in the originals they’re really pretty basic. Bill Yeah. Alan And is it to preserve relatives or? Stephen It’s a kind of gleeful, joyous, gloating “I own you, I’ve reduced you.” Sue To take the spirit out. Gyles But it’s not a compliment, it’s not a “Granny’s gone, let’s keep her at the end of the bed.” Viewscreens: Photo of authentic shrunken heads. Stephen Oh, no no. Alan [asks his head] “What do you really think about Uncle Bill, Grandma?” Bill [in shrunken head voice] “I hated him, I’ve always hated him.” Stephen If you hand them back I’ve got another little experiment for you to… [Bill throws the head to Stephen] Oh thank you so much. I’ve got something else to give you here. All we want you do here, I’m going to hand these, these blank two pound coins. Viewscreens: Photo of a blank two pound coin flanked by two photos of the Queen. [Stephen hands out cardboard circles] Just try and draw the queen’s head as she is on the coin. Bill The queens head, on… OK. Stephen Is she wearing a crown, is she, you know, just an outline. [All put their heads down and start drawing] Alan Which way does she look? No one knows. Anybody else? The left… Stephen No, no. Don’t ask for help. Don’t… Oi! Alan Davies, I’m going to take points away if you cheat. Alan How do you think I got through school? I asked for help. Stephen [laughs] Is everyone done? Sue Yep. Gyles Yes. Alan She looks like Lenny Henry on mine, unfortunately. Stephen Well that’s alright. Bill OK, done. Stephen OK, when Alan’s done you all hold up yours. Alan [laughs] I like it. Sue [holds up her coin] Mine looks like a triceratops. Stephen Let’s have a look at yours, there? [Alan and Bill hold up their coins] Sue [laughs] Stephen And yours, extraordinary. [Gyles holds up his coin] Stephen The point is, you’ve all, especially Bill somehow, you’ve all made the fundamental error that everybody makes in thinking she faces left. She faces right. Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash a picture of a two pound coin with the Queen facing left, and a cross through it. Alan [points to Bill] You said left! [laughs] Sorry? It’s too late now. Stephen Because most people think that. 88 per cent of people think the Queen faces left on her coins. Alan [pointedly, to Bill] 88 per cent. Stephen On every coin that ever was stamped since she was Queen, it’s always faced the right. Alan Never ask for help. Gyles Do they take it in turns? Did her father face the other way? Stephen Yes, they alternate. Gyles And Prince Charles, should he be… Stephen Yes, will… Sue Straight. He’s full on with the ears like that. [makes Charles-like ears with her hands] Stephen … they alternate. They’ve alternated since Charles the Second. Bill Does she not face the other way on the paper money? Stephen No, on the stamp. Bill On the stamp, oh right. Stephen That’s one theory… Alan [Frisbees his coin out into the audience] Bill Whoa! Gyles Hey! Stephen One theory as to why 88 per cent of people seem to think she faces left, is because she does on the definitive edition of the stamps, which you can, we can see here. Viewscreens: picture of rows of stamps. Sue Ah, yeah. Stephen We’re all familiar with that image. But on the other hand that’s true in Denmark, Queen Margrethe, they also think she faces left, but on the stamp she looks out. On the coin, she looks to the right, but if you ask a Dane which way she faces on their coins they will say as most of us would, left. It’s something to do probably with right handedness, we just picture a profile that way, it just. It’s really strange, because we handle these things every day, unless you’re Gyles, you have someone to do it for you. It’s bizarre that we just don’t notice, isn’t it. Bill So that’s all coins is it? Stephen All coins with the Queens head on, ever since… Bill The beginning of time? Stephen … she came to the throne. No, no, it alternates between monarchs. So her father faced left. Bill Oh, I see. Stephen And his father George the Fifth not counting the, because the abdication was a, was a wrinkle. But he, George the Sixth… Bill So if you could get all the coins of all the monarchs together, alternating monarchs and could flick through them, they’d be [mimes going through a flipbook, turning to the left and right] Stephen It would, it would be like a tennis match. It would be exhausting. So, the Queen has always faced to the right on all her British coins of her reign and yet tests have shown that up to 88 per cent of people draw her facing the other way. Now, what happens if you try and comb a hairy ball? Sue Ask Bill. Stephen Ask Bill. Viewscreens: picture of a dandelion
Bill [looks bemused] Stephen Bill, what happens when you try and comb a hairy ball? Have a hairy ball. [throws a ball covered in grey fur to Bill, who catches it] Bill You’d have to focus. You have to concentrate and your hand mustn’t slip at any time. Stephen [throws a furry red ball to Alan, who catches it and begins combing it] Sue You can’t do it? Stephen [throws Sue and Gyles each a ball] Well you can sort of obviously have a combing action. Bill Why would you do this? Why are we doing this? Stephen Because it’s an interesting mathematical topographical… Bill Look at this, [fluffing little peaks into his ball] it’s Don King. Stephen Yay! I just want you to comb it so that it all lies… Bill It’s all coming out. Stephen …in the same direction, perfectly combed. Bill [tapping shed fur out of his comb] Oh I see. Sue [her ball is also shedding as she combs it] Ooh! Bill So you can’t actually… Alan Keep going round and round, round and round, [turning ball and combing] Bill Keeps going round and round, comb a hairy ball… Sue So you can’t actually do it? Stephen The point is, there is a mathematical principal, a trichoglyph is bound to occur, which is like a cowlick, like a crown, you know where your crown sticks out… Bill [smoothing his ball] Oh, I see, when it all goes into one little bit, it’ll stick up like that. Stephen Yeah, like a, twirls. It’s actually like a cyclone, if it was the earth, it would be a cyclone. Sue Mine looks like Anne Robinson. Viewscreens: picture of the crown of a person’s head. Stephen There it is on a man’s head. Bill Oh I see, right, yeah. Sue So this is a mathematical. Stephen It’s a mathematical thing that you can’t, yeah, on a, if it was a donut or bagel shape, a torus, you could comb it all the way around and facing the same direction without this twirl. But it’s because it’s a sphere you have it. And so, as it were, in theory, every planet, even if it weren’t going around, would have a cyclone in it. Alan [methodically combing two peaks on the top of his ball] Stephen Which is what that sort of is, that swirl. Gyles Which is why there are no hairy planets. Stephen Why there are no hairy planets. Yeah. Gyles It’s an impossibility. Stephen Do you have… [looks over at Alan, who is still intently styling his ball] Very nice. Alan [hold his ball aloft] Bill Look at that, wow. Stephen Some people have double crowns, you know, your barber will say “Oh, you’ve got a double crown.” Alan [the fur on his ball has peeled away, revealing the inside. He looks at it, disgusted] Bill Eurgh! Stephen Oh, now, Alan! Alan [aims his comb at the bald part of the ball] I’m going to do some trepanning. Stephen Ohh! Alan [drives the comb right into the centre of the ball, and holds it aloft] Stephen And now really, to keep thematic you’ve got to shrink it. Alan Yeah, turn it inside out and scrape it Sue I’ve got the recipe if you want it. Stephen Yes, you noted it down. Now an interesting thing about this cowlick is that on most people, what do you think, clockwise or anticlockwise? Most men? Bill Clockwise. Sue Clockwise. Stephen Clockwise, right. Only 8 per cent of men have an anti-clockwise one. But, 30 per cent of gay men have an anti-clockwise one. Sue Is that a double bluff, Proustian stylie? Deliberately combing it around? Stephen No it’s, you can’t control it. You don’t. You’re born with it, it goes one way or it goes the other, from birth. There’s no, you can’t force it the other way. It’s almost as if it’s a physiological proof, at least of a certain percentage of gay people. Gyles Nature’s assigned it? Stephen Yeah, so you and your conservative party would go “Oh no, we mustn’t have lessons in being gay or it’ll turn everybody gay.” It’s all there in the hair. Gyles This is why most of my friends have got double crowns. ‘Cause they’re Tommy Two-ways. Stephen [laughs] Tommy Two-ways? So the comb over we covered, what’s extraordinary about the comb over… Viewscreens: Photo of Bobby Charlton. Ooh, look there’s a lovely… Historically, in America it was patented. Bill [combing his own hair] Stephen Patent number 4022227, for how to disguise baldness by combing over your hair. So if anybody, if Robert Robinson… [sees Bill combing over his hair] Yeah! You are breach of someone, you’ll be sued. Bill [combing more and more hair onto the top of his head] Stephen Wow! Oh my god. Bill [combing from the nape of his neck, all the way around his head] Sue Yeah! Bill Oh yeah. Sue That is some sexy stuff there. Gyles Butch, and gay. Bill I’m a Tommy Two-ways. [combs to the left] I can go this way. Actually I can get it to go all the way around [starts combing from the back of his head and over his ear] Stephen Oh, you’re a Thelma Three-ways. Bill I’m a Thelma… [combs hair practically onto his face] Stephen Oh, you’ve done it all now. Sue Oh that’s nice. Over the ear is lovely. Bill How’s that? Sue Delicate, delicate. Alan [having ripped the remaining fur off his ball, hands it to Bill, who drapes it over his head] Bill [Scottish accent] Hello, I’m the constituent for Stoneleigh. Stephen Oh, heavens above. Bill I’m the Tory MP and homosexuality is a disease. Can be cured by excessive combing. Out vile demon! Out vile demon! [frantically combing the fur] Stephen Fabulous. Bill It’s a terrible curse! Stephen Right, hand them back. Hand them back. [All hand their fur balls back, except Bill, who flings the fur at Stephen and starts fixing his hair] Stephen [to Alan] You… are in trouble. Alan I’m always in trouble. Stephen Yes, you are. Alan All my life. Stephen Now what can you tell me about the Chinese hula hoopla? Viewscreens: Picture of two girls hula hooping in front of the Chinese flag. Alan I know that they do massive demonstrations of it with thousands of people doing it. Stephen With ribbons of various kinds and so on. But there was a particular time… Alan Tiananmen Square. Stephen I mean, what is so famous about the hula hoop in our culture, or at least in the west? Alan Comes in four flavours. Gyles 1958. Stephen 1958, tell us about 1958. Gyles Well, 1957 I got my Davy Crockett hat, Stephen Right. Gyles And 1958 I got my first hula hoop. Stephen And that was the year of the hula hoop. Gyles It was the year of the hula hoop, and you should’ve seen me, I was called Dizzy Hips Gyles. [swings his hips in his seat] Sue [looks at Gyles hips] Stephen Oh good god. Gyles I’m doing it. Stephen Yeah, but the whole thing is extraordinary because it was a one year thing, it was a huge craze, I mean there, we all remember various toy crazes perhaps… Alan [playing with his comb, which clatters onto the desk and catches Stephen’s attention] …and game crazes when we were younger but this one was the mother of… Alan [lifts the lid on his desk and wedges the comb under it, trying to make it flip up. It doesn’t, and the lid just slams] Ohh… [to Stephen] Sorry. [crosses arms, smiles sheepishly] Stephen This one was the mother of them all, and the extraordinary thing about it was it disappeared as fast as it came. Gyles And it was a disaster, my uncle put money into it ‘cause it was so big, and lost it all. The hula hoop the greatest craze in the history of the world actually failed to make any money. Everyone on the planet owned one, and still they lost. Stephen Well particularly, yeah, the company Wham-O who made them. Sue Made them a name. Stephen Yeah millions, no they still exist, they’re a successful company. Sue They made the Frisbee didn’t they? Stephen That was the one year they made a loss. Because despite the fact that millions and millions and millions of people bought a hula hoop, there they are, it ended so quickly, they’d stockpiled expecting it to last until Christmas. Viewscreens: Picture of a young woman hula hooping. Gyles That is my mother. Stephen And it just completely ended. There you are. Bill I suppose because the thing is they don’t really wear out do they? You know, so once you get one… Sue You don’t want another one. Stephen But what does wear out is the fun, clearly. Sue And your hips. Which will degenerate over time. Bill They should have made them out of something else, something sort of biodegradable. Made them out of cheese or something. Alan Cheese. Stephen Cheese, brilliant. Well in China they had a similar fad, in the early nineties, millions and millions of people bought them and then there was a hysteria because there were three people went to hospital with twisted intestines. Sue They obviously tried to eat them. They obviously, the hula hoop thing was lost in translation. Stephen Well, the Chinese state media said, well you should stop hula hooping because the, but actually you’re quite right, it was certainly nothing to do with hula hooping. Bill Even old Dizzy Hips Gyles… Stephen You never twisted your intestines, did you? Gyles I didn’t, I have to say it’s quite difficult to hula hoop, and it’s boring. Sue It’s not, it’s nice. Gyles But, actually, you can do it also on your arms. [makes twirling motion with his arms] Sue That’s a skipping rope. Gyles Oh is it, you’re right. Viewscreens: Film of women Hula dancing to a band. Bill Here we go, here we go, cut live to the hula party. Sue Oh, that’s the hula. Gyles This is the home of the hula. This is Hawaii. Stephen The dance itself called the hula. Sue She knows what she’s doing doesn’t she. Yeah, yeah. Stephen And a hula is a whole celebratory thing, you have a… Sue [points to viewscreens] That guy’s having brain surgery playing the guitar. Alan I do love the band they’re great, they’re thinking “This is the best gig ever.” Stephen They look very happy. Alan “Since I’ve joined this band I’ve never stopped smiling.” Stephen Can you suggest a theory as to why the hula was so big in ’58, the hula hoop? Bill Uh, post war optimism. Stephen Mm hmm. Sue End of rationing. Oh, rationing ended mid-‘50’s. Stephen There’s a thought maybe it was that Elvis, it made you kind of do things with your hips. [swings his hips] Gyles Gyrating. Stephen It was a gyrate-y, a gyratory pelvic thing. Sue And there was the whole Hawaiian thing through him as well. Stephen And the Hawaiian thing that he liked. Bill It was he was not allowed to be filmed below the waist or something, was that true? Stephen On television, yeah on the Ed Sullivan Show, I think. Alan The Ed Sullivan Show, waist up. Bill Too sexy… for the Fifties. Sue Gyles has the same thing. He’s not actually allowed to display… Dizzy Hips Brandreth can’t break them out, can’t bust them out for TV. Gyles [nods and smiles knowingly] Bill He’s actually hula-ing right now. Gyles Quite subtly. Stephen Which brings us to the unappealing nether regions of our show. The place that we call General Ignorance. So hands on horns, if you’d be so kind. What should you do with your head if you have a nosebleed? Viewscreens: A picture of a woman blowing her nose.
Gyles [presses buzzer] [He sits silently, looking at Stephen, with his hand poised under his nose] Stephen Yes? You have to answer when you press the buzzer… Gyles I’m doing it. [Presses knuckles against his upper lip] Stephen You should do that with your head? Sue Pressing? Gyles Pressing the bit above the lip, this bit below the nose. Stephen No. Gyles Because the nose… actually not worry. [takes his hand away] A nose bleed won’t harm you. Stephen Mm, OK. You might stain your clothes. Gyles You might stain your clothes but a nose bleed’s alright. I mean, you could lie back? Stephen Woo… Gyles Oh no! It’s fatal! Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words “TILT IT BACK". Gyles [bangs his palms on the desk, and smacks his notebook down] Stephen Oh, you’re so angry. You’re so competitive, I like it! Sue Yeah! Gyles No, no. I remember this. Stephen The point is, most people think you should tilt back, but you shouldn’t. Alan All goes down your throat then, it’s horrible. Stephen And of course you can get it into the lungs if it goes down the wrong pipe. Gyles And worse than that, and this is why I should have remembered this, you lie back and it goes into you, but you can also have a nosebleed through your eyes. Stephen Oh! Gyles It is possible to have a nose bleed that come out of these bits here. [points to tear ducts] Alan An eye bleed? Gyles Yes, but it’s a sort of misdirected nose bleed. Wrong to call it an eye bleed. Bill Alright. Gyles Cause it’s coming out of the nose parts. Stephen The Eustachian tubes… Sue Just tilt your head forward from now on, love. Gyles So the point is forwards not back. Sue Always forwards not back. Stephen Well, if it lasts for longer than 20 minutes it is very much recommended to seek medical advice, and if you’ve caused it from anything other than the most common causes, which would be? Alan Bouncy castle. Stephen A bouncy castle. A classic, yeah. Alan Inevitable. Bill Bound to happen. Stephen Another one is ‘being punched in the face’. That’s one, yeah. That can bring it on. Viewscreens: A picture of Larry Holmes and Ray Mercer boxing. Stephen There you are. Sue That’d do it. Tilt your head forward love. Stephen Can you name them? I think that’s Larry Holmes and…? Alan Spinks, is it? Sue And the other one. Stephen Ray Mercer, "Merciless" Ray Mercer, that is. Then there are various others, blowing your nose too hard, picking your nose, picking a little bit too violently. Bill Poking it. Stephen Yeah. You shouldn’t tilt your head back if you have a nosebleed, it can be dangerous, tilt your head forwards, and pinch your nose, just like that, [pinches bridge of nose] simple as that, and then eventually after about 12 minutes or so it will clot naturally. What might happen if you swallow your tongue, however?
Viewscreens: Photo of a man gurning, his bottom lip all the way up to his eyebrows.
Gyles [presses buzzer] Nothing, I don’t believe you can swallow your tongue. Stephen Is the right answer. Absolutely. That sort of busy bodying person who comes forward and says “Lots of hot sweet tea.” when someone’s fainted or had a seizure, and they say “Ooh, do this.” and “Pull the tongue down cause they might swallow it.” is just nonsense, you can’t swallow your own tongue. It can’t be done. Alan What do they mean then when they say that, cause I’ve heard that. Stephen Well, they might obstruct an airway, possibly, it’s very rare. Alan You have a bash and you bite it or something and it swells up, or… Stephen Oh, you can bite your tongue, yeah, but you can’t swallow it, you can’t, I mean there was literally this idea that you could, as it were, it goes backwards and [gulp] down your throat and causes you to choke, that just cannot happen. And finally, why shouldn’t you crack your knuckles? Alan Is there lasting damage, can you do lasting damage? [bends his knuckle and accidentally cracks it] Sue [covers her ears] Ooh! Stephen Oh you just did it. Bill Oh no. Gyles There’s a, but I think it’s an old wives tale, that actually if you do that it causes arthritis. Because there was a famous doctor called Dr Unger who believed that it did, and for 50 years this doctor, every day, cracked the knuckles on his left hand and didn’t on his right. Stephen What the story is, is that his mother, when he was very young, he cracked the knuckles on both hands and his mother said [in a Southern American accent] “You do that honey you’ll get arthritis.” Alan [Southern American accent] Aaarth-a-ritis. Stephen And he thought, being of a scientific turn of mind already as a child... Alan “You gon’ get arth-a-ritis.” Stephen He thought, I will test this by only doing it on the fingers on the left hand. Alan “I aint get no arth-a-ritis and I show you how.” Stephen Exactly, so he did it on his left hand only, for 60 years. And then he had various tests and there was no suggestion of arthritis on the left hand more than the right. And apparently he shouted out, “You were wrong, mother, you were wrong.” Bill I wasted my life. Alan “You were wrong, mother, you were wrong.” Stephen Well there we are, that is indeed the answer, you can’t get arthritis from cracking your knuckles, at worst you could end up with a limp handshake and goodness knows what impression that’ll give people. Which handily brings us to the heart of the matter, the scores. Ooh! And the winner really used his head, their two heads, because ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie for first place. On minus eight, it’s Gyles and Sue! [Gyles offers his hand for Sue to shake, she hesitates, then accepts it, wincing and turning away as she does] Stephen Oh, but missing out on a hairs breadth with minus 12, Bill Bailey! Throwing his hands up in the air on minus 25, Alan Davies! Alan [puzzled] How did I get minus 25? Stephen So all that’s left for me is to thank Sue, Gyles, Bill, and of course Alan; and I leave you with this. Um, it’s an anatomy lesson. In order to accustom medical students to the business of getting used to dead human flesh; an anatomy professor basically said to the class, “Look, you’ve got to get used to doing this, I need one of you students to come forward, you’re a first year.” Stood him by the body, said you’ve got to do what I do, and he put his finger up the rectum of this dead body, like that, and then just sucked it. He said “I know, I know, I know, but you’ve got to learn how to be a doctor.” So this medical student puts his finger up, like that, and went like that. [sucks finger] And he said “The other thing about being a doctor is you must be observant. I put my middle finger up the rectum, and sucked my index.” Thank you and good-bye. |
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