Transcript by: Tai Craven Stephen And joining me tonight are the humongous Phil Jupitus, the hyperbolic Ross Noble, the hygienic Jack Dee, and ho-hum it’s Alan Davies. So anytime you want to say “Hi”, give me a bell, and Jack goes: Jack [presses buzzer, which plays the sound of a church bell] Stephen And Phil goes: Phil [presses buzzer, which plays the sound of a tea bell] Stephen And Ross goes: Ross [presses buzzer, which plays a vocal harmony of the words “ring-a-ding”] Yeah, thank you. And Alan goes: Alan [presses buzzer, which plays the sound of the klaxons] Viewscreens: flash the words “MINUS 10” Alan [laughs] Stephen I’m sorry. I’m so, so not sorry. So, let’s give this pudding a stir, gentlemen. Why do bankers like long haired men… Viewscreens: Photo of a woman’s legs in a short skirt, with a man seated in the background, flanked by two identical photos of Ross Noble. Ross Ooh, ‘ello. Stephen …and short skirted women? Ross Oh god, is there any need for that, really? I mean, come on. Stephen [laughs] That’s charming. Ross And the scariest thing is; I’m wearing the same shirt. Stephen You are! How do they do that? Ross Look at that. That is appalling isn’t it? Jack I’ve got to hand it to you, Ross, you’ve got lovely legs. Ross Unfortunately, that suppository was the oddest shaped one I’d ever used. It was… Stephen [laughs] Ross …no wonder he’s not smiling. Alan [to Ross] Oh god, I’ve only just noticed you. Stephen The full question is why do bankers like long haired men and short skirted women? Phil Bi-curious. Ross Is it like when you’re in the bank, and you sort of like lean forward like that, and the hair just brushes off all the little receipt stubs? Like that, and the bankers are sat there going, “Brilliant, I don’t have to go around and clean that up.” Like a sort of a reverse Hoover. Stephen Right, OK. Ross Yeah. Stephen Fair enough. What do financiers look for? When are they happiest? Phil When they’re rolling in money. Stephen Yes, when do they earn more money? Jack In the summer? Stephen No… Alan In the sixties. Stephen …what’s, yeah. What? Yes. What’s the word for a period of prosperity? Jack Boom. Stephen A boom, and as opposed to a bust or a recession. Now it just so happens that throughout the 20th century the length of women’s skirts in fashion was exactly correlated to the rise and fall of the stock market. Viewscreens: A graph of the rise and fall of the Stock Market over pairs of women’s legs in varying lengths of skirt. And as skirts got shorter and shorter, right up to the Wall St crash, the flapper skirts, and then instantly skirt lengths got longer again during the Depression. Jack And the, the long hair is correspondingly long hair means uh, a boom? Stephen Yes, it’s a negative correlation as it were, the further down the hair the further up the market. There are other indicators or at least things that go with boom and bust. Sales of things that go up. Phil Dogs in bags. Stephen Dogs in bags? Phil Dogs in bags, I imagine that’s a boom thing. Ross Isn’t that like an Essex delicacy? [Essex accent] “Can I ‘ave a couple ‘a Dogs in Bags, mate. Couple ‘a them.” Alan Is it like Chicken in a Basket? Ross Yeah, Chicken in a Basket. Dog in a Bag. Stephen Dog in a bag. Ross Lovely. Alan It’s a Korean delicacy. Viewscreens: Photo of a busy stock exchange during trading. Stephen People buy more perishable foods during a boom, you know, meats, fish and things like that. And the more; pastas and things that you can store; during a bust. But anyway, it seems that according to Hemline Theory, girls hemlines go up as the market goes up, and so when a banker looks at a girls legs his mind is strictly on business. What starts with H and means that you’ll always be the bridesmaid and never the bride? Viewscreens: Photo of a row of bridesmaids (still from the film ‘I Love You, Man’). Phil Hepatitis C. Stephen [laughs] Ohh! Oddly enough you’re surprisingly close… in a kind of way. Phil Oh. Herpes. Stephen Well, you got the right first and last letter. Jack Halitosis? Stephen Halitosis is the right answer. Jack Is that right? I could have come up with that and got the laugh in the first place. Stephen Aye! Halitosis was made up. It was made up by… Phil Listerine. Viewscreens: Photo of Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse as ‘The Old Gits’. Stephen By Listerine, the company that made Listerine, Lambert Pharmacia. And they had this product that they named after Joseph Lister, the father of antiseptic surgery, who kind of made everybody wash everything. Viewscreens: Photo of bottles of mouthwash. And they used it first of all as an antiseptic, and then without changing the formula it was for washing floors, and then it was a cure for gonorrhoea, and then they thought, “We’ll call it a mouthwash.” The same thing! Ross Was there a point where that was combined, it was like a gonorrhoea thing and they went “Actually, my mouth’s quite… yeah. Ooh, my halitosis is gone there. Lovely.” Stephen Well, they invented essentially this new product, a mouthwash, it never really existed before, there’d never been any need for it. And so they had to invent a problem for it to solve. And they started this campaign, saying you know “Hotel clerks say that one in three guests who checks in have halitosis” and “Dentists say 83 per cent of patients have halitosis” and people began to get very nervous about [exhales into his hand] about their breath. Of course people do have dog breath, let’s be honest, there are. And dogs, as they say, have people breath. Alan How can you tell someone? Stephen It’s so difficult. That was part of, that was one of their campaigns actually. Alan That’s why packets of mints were invented. Stephen Yeah. Alan I always feel like when someone’s offering me a mint that’s definitely what they’re saying. Stephen [laughs] It’s true, I mean, you know, these were the kinds of things they used as advertising slogans. They went from a tiny company to a vast one. Jack By inventing a name for something that was quite, that was... Stephen Kind of, calling it a disease, and people thought “Oh, I’ve got halitosis and this is like a medical product that will sort of deal with it” Jack I see. Stephen And no one before, people have probably eaten things to sweeten their breath before, but uh, it just… Alan I had a picture taken once with a koala… Stephen Mmm… Ross You could just leave that there. Stephen [laughs] You could! Alan [mouths] Leave that there. And it was eating eucalyptus leaves, like they do, which are poisonous, but they’ve got a 48 mile intestine or something and they can digest it. But its breath was amazing. Stephen It’s sweet. It’s lovely, isn’t it? Alan It was amazing. It was pure eucalyptus, it was like Olbas Oil. Stephen And even their fur smells lovely, it is gorgeous. Alan It was really amazing. It looked at me and went [exhales]. [mimes surprise and delight] You’re great, koala! Ross Is that the excuse you used when you started putting the moves on it? [sticks out tongue lasciviously] Hey, koala started it! It was cuddling me, next thing you know, beautiful breath, I thought I’d have a go. Alan None of that happened [laughs] Ross You say it didn’t happen. Jack So if you had a really bad throat could you get yourself a koala bear and put it in a big bowl and a tea towel and [mimes leaning over bowl, inhaling koala scent] That’d be a way to cure it. Stephen You wouldn’t want your wife coming in and seeing that. Jack No, no. Stephen Oh, lord. Phil Why not buy one of my outback inhalers? They’re cuddly and gorgeous. People just [inhales] suckin’ on a koala. Alan [Australian accent] Here he is, the little fella, here he comes now, the little [mimes inhaling the koala] Phil Oh, Australian asthmatics going “Oh no, dear, I’m getting the koala out.” [mimes inhaling the koala] Ross Wouldn’t that have been brilliant if… Phil [mimes tickling the koala] Alan [laughs] Tickle his feet! [mimes tickling] Little fella! Ross That would have been brilliant if in Star Wars when they’d taken off Vader’s helmet you just had a koala in there. [Exhales] “Oh, that’s better”. Alan His breath! Stephen Behave, now. So there you are. Halitosis was invented by an advertising agency to shift mouthwash. Now to handedness. Who might use a left handed motorbike? Viewscreens: Photo of Alan hanging from the handlebars of a speeding motorbike. Stephen Aww… Alan Funny outfit I’ve got on. Stephen It’s, yeah, do you remember wearing that? Alan No. Stephen No. Alan I remember that motorbike ride though, it was exhilarating. Ross Is it uh, one armed men? Stephen No… I mean, I guess they would have a use for it. But there was a real market for left handed… Alan By which you mean throttle on the left? Stephen Yeah. Jack [buzzes] Stephen Yessir? Jack Was it something to do with needing your right hand free for holding a gun, or I don’t know? Stephen Yes! Spot on. Holding a gun. Jack Where can I get one of these motorbikes? Stephen [laughs] They turned the company that made them, the Indian Motorcycle company; ‘Motocycle’ in fact they call themselves, there they are, the Indians. It’s an American motorcycle company. Viewscreens: Photo of an Indian motorbike. Between the wars they were the largest motorcycle company in the world, and part of it was because they sold so many of these left handed bikes to… Alan Cowboys? Jack Cowboys? Stephen The police. Police all over America. So the police could drive and accelerate and decelerate and kill people with guns… at the same time. Ross Why didn’t they just fix a bayonet on the front? Stephen That would be… Ross [mimes driving and stabbing] In fact, in fact, I’m thinking of getting one of those for my motorbikes for cyclists. Stephen Really? Ross Yeah. Alan A bayonet? Ross Not to stab them or anything, just to go “Cheeky.” [mimes gently poking] Just a cheeky poke. Alan It doesn’t need to be a bayonet then. Viewscreens: Photo of a two policemen in a motorbike with a sidecar and rifle. Ross Well, if you can use a bayonet, use a bayonet. And that’s what I think. Alan It could be something else. Like a… Ross A broom handle. Alan A cucumber or something. Ross [laughs] Alan [points to viewscreen] You don’t need a right hander, look, if you just got a bloke in your sidecar with a tommy gun, you’re fine. Stephen I know, unfortunately that was the only photograph we could find. I’ve got some left handed things here, some of which you can see the point of. This is a left handed sort of Biro or pen. It’s a rather peculiar shape there. Jack It makes me feel slightly sick looking at it. Stephen [hands Alan the pen] Strange, I think the idea is so you don’t, so you don’t smudge. Ross Like, left handed people are like, naturally evil, that’s what they say isn’t it? Stephen [laughs] Ross No, that’s a well-known fact. Those pens, do all they write just like “I will kill again. I will kill again. I will kill again”. Stephen It’s a possessed pen, the left handed pen, is it? Alan It’s really hard to write with. Viewscreens: Photos of left handed implements. Stephen This is a left handed, do you want to try that, try it with your right hand. [hands Jack a pencil sharpener] Jack It’s just going to drive me crazy. Stephen Yeah, I mean I don’t know if there are any left handed people in the audience have ever found that pencil sharpeners are a real bore, for right… in a right handed world? Jack See, that is… that has already annoyed me. Stephen Did it? That’s how a left handed person would feel with ours then. Ross Last thing you want to do… Jack Well, they should’ve just adapted when they were younger. Stephen [laughs] Whoa! Jack What’s wrong with having a stutter? Stephen It’s not a condition, being left handed! It’s not an illness. Jack Well, you say that. Stephen [laughs] Now left handed scissors, of course, are quite well known. Ross Oh, don’t give a left hand a scissor. It’ll stab you in the face. Stab you in the face soon as look at you. Jack It’s where the word sinister comes from, isn’t it? Isn’t that right? Stephen Sinister indeed is the Latin for left, yeah. If you’re ambisinistrous; what does that mean? Jack Um, left handed and left footed. Stephen It kind of means you’re crap with both hands. Ambidextrous is you’re good with both hands. Ambisinistrous is you can’t write with either hand. [mimes being uncoordinated] But this, this will annoy you then. A left handed can opener. [hands Jack the can opener] There, you see. But then, just assume that all left handed people are just as annoyed by right handed things. Jack But, just assume… Stephen But they’re a minority so they should be punished, Jack is it? Jack At least they’re warned, you see, one of those could turn up in your kitchen with no warning. You turn up in the morning, you know “Argh…” [fumbles with can opener] Ross The only thing that could annoy Jack more now is if he opens that can and it’s all left handed peaches. Stephen [laughs] Just imaj! Well, thank you, you can give them back now, 'cause I can see they’ve upset you. Jack There is a left handed shop where you can buy all these things, and my sister is left handed. And I actually thought one Christmas I will buy her something, you know, that’ll be a thoughtful thing. And there’s the shop, go straight, bang [mimes smacking face] right into it! And of course the door opened on the other side. Stephen That’s brilliant! There’s another motorbike question there that might interest you. Why do you think motorbikes aren’t charged congestion fees in London? Ross [buzzes] Stephen Yes, Ross Noble? Ross You’re expecting us to say “'Cause they don’t cause congestion”. And the thing will go [imitates klaxons], but it’s because of the cameras. Stephen Yes. Ross Motorbikes have a plate on the back, and they don’t have a plate on the front, so the camera only takes a photo from the front, so there’s no way of knowing who it is. Stephen You are absolutely right, and there are points in you for that. Ross Thank you very much. I’d just, thank you. I’d just… Stephen Very good. Ross I’d just like to point out; that is the only thing I know. The only thing. And it’s come up. I can’t believe that. In my brain, as you started saying that, I went “I know what he’s going to say here. I can use my one bit of knowledge.” Stephen Oh! Superb. Well done. Very good indeed. Alan They used to have a number plate on the front mud guard. Stephen They did, sideways on, sort of… Alan Absolutely lethal. That’s why all cars now are big, smooth, soft fronted things. Stephen Yeah. Jack It’s actually now safe to be run over. Stephen Yes! Jack Perfectly fine. Ross You know what would be brilliant, is if they had like external airbags so that as soon as you hit somebody, your car became a bouncy castle. So it’d be like brilliant wouldn’t it, you’d be like, walking along and you’d go “Oh no!” and then bang! And then “Eyyy!” Jack Then you’d get collateral damage, you’d get a passer-by who’d just get shot into a shop window. Ross Even better! Or like, if you’re just about to be run over and go, “Oh, better take my shoes off.” Stephen [laughs] Thank you. Good, well. Left handed motorcycles allowed right handed American policemen to shoot at people while they were chasing them. Why would a hoplophobe be particularly nervous of a Sturmgewehr Vierundvierzig with a Krummlauf modification? Viewscreens: Photo of a man clutching his face in distress. Phil [buzzes] 'Cause he was French. Stephen Well, yeah, kind of true. It is of course a German something. Phil It is a… Stephen Sturmgewehr 44 Phil Sturm… is it a firearm? Stephen It is a firearm. Phil Is it a machine gun? Stephen It’s not a machine gun. Funnily enough, I have one. Audience member: Assault rifle. Stephen Ooh, assault rifle. Somebody speaks German there. Jack Whoa. That was slightly scary wasn’t it? Stephen Yeah. Alan You know you said that out loud, didn’t you? Jack [monotone] It’s an assault rifle. Phil [monotone] I’ve got eight in my bunker. Can’t tell you where, it’s a secret location. Alan [holds up tin can] I’ve got hundreds of these as well. Phil [monotone] Come the day. Stephen Would you like to see one? Phil [monotone] Come the day. Alan Yeah, I would. Phil [monotone] Some of us will be ready. Stephen They’re very big, they’re very heavy. Alan [to the audience member] All your Christmases have come at once. Look at this! [to Stephen] You’ve got no idea what you’re doing with that. Stephen There is the Sturmgewehr, which is a German Second World War assault rifle. The first assault rifle there ever was. But the Krummlauf is the interesting part… Alan Oh, I can see it. Stephen The Krummlauf is this modification here. Phil They don’t like it up ‘em. Stephen So this is a genuine article, it’s brought to us by our very nice friends from the Royal Armouries in Leeds, it’s going to spend the night in the Tower of London tonight. And this is this extraordinary Krummlauf. Alan It can shoot over the trench? Viewscreens: Photo of a soldier aiming a rifle over a wall. Stephen You shoot over a wall or around a corner, and this is a periscope and so if I’m here I can actually, I assure you, it has been deactivated, I promise you. There is no chance, it’s been checked and double checked. But I can see the audience in my, and I can see the sights as well, in the periscope. Jack Has this been converted into a waterer for flower baskets? Stephen I am pointing at the back row of the audience. And that allows me to do that, or as you rightly say, around a corner. Ross But there’s another gun isn’t there, there’s one that actually shoots round a corner? Stephen Yes. The Israeli army uses that, and we might even have a picture of it. It is a much more modern development. There it is. Viewscreens: Photo of a First World War soldier and a present day soldier, both holding guns. Ross Yep. Stephen That really is extraordinary. And behind though is the first of its kind, a very simple invention, an Australian invention in the First World War, where you see a genuine rifle on top of the trench, and a thing holding it, and a periscope looking through the sight. Quite clever. Jack But much cooler just to go [mimes jumping out from behind a wall and firing a gun] Stephen Oh yes. So right. But there it is. It was in about 1943 it was invented, they started making them in ’44, it was too late, Jerry didn’t win the war as you probably know. We gave them a bit of an old spanking as a matter of fact. But um, this was in great demand for you know, the Panzer people liked them in their tanks. Phil Please tell me on the other side of the desk you’ve got the left handed one. Stephen Yeah. Ross That one that goes round the corner, do they have like ones that go that way, and ones that go that way? 'Cause that would really annoy you if you ran up and you went [mimes pointing gun] “Oh no…” Alan Got to go all the way round the block. [mimes running] Stephen It was invented by a man called Hans-Joachim Schaede who was a washing machine manufacturer, in fact. He invented it for… Alan So it’s got a spin cycle as well? Stephen [laughs] It’s got a spin cycle Ross So was he just trying to like, drum up a bit of business? On the adverts when they go “It gets blood out. Oh, I tell you what…” [mimes firing gun] “You’ll be needing a washing machine.” Stephen And I said a hoplophobe, and a hoplophobe is someone who hates weapons. Phil Really? Stephen Yep. Jack I thought it was someone who was scared of hoopla’s. Stephen According to Urbandictionary.com, this literally is their definition. “An irrational fear of weapons, generally guns. Usually occurring as a result of a liberal upbringing, or the fact the person is just a wimp in general. Rather than deal with the fear, said hoplophobe will assign human characteristics to a weapon i.e. “Guns are evil.” or “Guns kill.” to justify the fear, rather than deal with the core problem of being a sissy.” Phil I tell you something; he wrote that [points to audience member] Stephen [laughs] He may have done. “Assault rifle.” Yep. Ross I tell you what; I bet he wrote it with a left handed pen. Alan [gets out of his seat and goes under Stephens desk looking for the rifle] Stephen No, don’t play with it, 'cause they did ask that nobody else touch it 'cause it is very valuable, I’m afraid. Alan Oh! I was going to make it go over the desk. Stephen [laughs] Yeah, I’m sorry. Alan [crawls back to his seat] I can’t believe I’m not allowed to play with it. Stephen I’m afraid I was given very specific Alan-not-to-touch instructions. It is very valuable. Ross I love the fact that somewhere there’s a memo that just says “Machine Gun – for Stephen Fry’s use only.” Stephen [laughs] Yeah. Ross [mimes reading memo] What? [laughs] Stephen Anyway, yes. The age old problem of firing guns around corners has been solved by making guns that fire around corners. Time to inject a bit of humour and hilarity, I reckon. So, why did the bomb disposal expert go to the joke shop? Viewscreens: Photo of a man in uniform defusing a bomb outside a joke shop. Alan Something you can get in a joke shop that helps you with bomb disposing? Stephen Yeah. Alan Fake poos. Stephen Take me through the chain of… Alan I don’t know how that would work. Ross Is it eh, whoopee cushions? Put a whoopee cushion under to release the pressure plate on a… Stephen Oh that’s quite smart thinking, it’s not that actually. They’re called ammunition technicians, and they use a thing you might get in a joke shop or a party shop. Alan A flower that sprays water? Stephen It is something you spray. Jack Oh, is it that squirty stuff, the um… Ross Silly string? Stephen Silly string! Silly string. Now what use would silly string be? Phil Does it fill up the fuse area and block everything up? Stephen No, it’s not that. It’s in case there are trip wires, very invisible trip wires Phil Oh! Stephen And you spray it out and they fall on the trip wire without triggering it. And particularly they have of course fluorescent silly string, so in dark corners where you might be, there’s always the possibility because so many bombs are booby-trapped. Phil It’s nice that that’s a real thing, but I just prefer them leaning over a bomb going [mimes honking an air horn] Alan With a big Margaret Thatcher mask. With a rubber chicken. Ross I have to say, that would have improved that film ‘The Hurt Locker’. “Eyyy!” [mimes shooting silly string] Stephen Yes it would have. Phil [mimes honking an air horn] [imitates clown horn] Stephen Anyway, the army uses silly string to check for trip wires in booby-trapped houses. From houses to holes. You can’t fit a square peg in a round hole, so how would you make a square hole with a round drill? That’s the question, can it be done? Viewscreens: Photo of perforated board and the outline of a square, surrounded by various drill bits. Jack [ buzzes] Stephen Yes, Jack Dee? Jack I would drill four small holes that; don’t laugh before it’s happened; I might surprise you yet. I’m thinking while I talk. I would drill four small holes that would describe a square if I was to join them. Stephen By the corners? Jack Corners. And then with a hacksaw I would join them and knock the square through, thus creating a square. Stephen It’s a way of punching a square into the surface. But there is actually a way of using a round drill bit to… Jack Well, my way’s better. Stephen [laughs] Ross That would’ve been brilliant if it’d gone [imitates klaxons] and every word you said… Stephen [laughs] One day! Ross Even the bit where he says… Stephen “Don’t laugh before you’ve said” Ross … you’ve said it” was on there. Jack [laughs] Yeah, yeah yeah. Stephen There’s a particular shape, a sort of circular triangle, which, when it revolves, a part of it makes a square. Ross A circular triangle? Stephen Well, a rounded Ross 'cause…? Phil [to Ross] Oh, no no no no no. This is your first time. This sort of thing happens all the time, right? Ross No, no. Phil [imitates Stephen] “It’s a sort of circular triangle.” [twiddles fingers deviously] Alan [imitates Stephen] “And it makes a square.” Ross It’s not the fact that I’m boggled by that, it’s the fact that I now realise there’s a possibility that you could have a Toblerone Rolo combo. Stephen [laughs] Yes! Alan Dreamt of that for years. Stephen Do you know the weird thing? Ross A Ro-blerone. Stephen Do you know what will freak you out completely, Ross Noble? Is the name for this form of triangle is a Reuleaux. Ross [stunned and delighted] Stephen It genuinely is. Ross I’m not joking… Stephen I think you have to have points for that, you somehow found a triangle that was a Reuleaux. It’s a Reuleaux triangle is what it’s called and it’s a very particular shape. Alan Have we got one and am I allowed to play with it? Phil We come on this show and we discover things, what I would like tonight is I’ve just discovered that the best three words to hear in a Geordie accent are “Toblerone Rolo combo”. Ross Thanks, now everyone I meet’s going to go “Could you say Toblerone, please?” “Go on Geordie man, dance for us.” [mimes poking] Phil You’ve got to form a band now. Stephen Yep. Ross Alright. Phil Called that. Ross Me and Cheryl Cole. Phil Yeah [laughs] Ross Her, me, and Jimmy Neil as a trio. “Ladies and gentlemen, The Toblerone Rolo Combo.” Jack And you’ve got to play the trombone. Ross The trombone. Jack [imitates Ross] The trombone. Stephen My God, yeah. Right, OK. Do you want to see a picture of this Reuleaux triangle? Ross Yeah. Stephen You see, a Reuleaux triangle… Ross Is it only available in airports? Yeah, no. Let’s roll it. There… Viewscreens: Video of Reuleaux triangle drill bit rotating in a square hole. Now you see there, that’s a sort of round ended triangle, there it is. And that, the drill bit, is describing a square, if you see? Exactly. Isn’t that crazy? How loony is that? Phil You sicken me. Stephen [laughs] Now that shape maybe familiar if you like cars and bikes, it’s a type of piston, rotary piston. Which is known as a Wankel, or [pronounced V] Wankel if we prefer to say it that way. Ross Wankel was a bloke though wasn’t he? An actual bloke called Wankel. Stephen He was. Mr Wankel [pronounced V] was indeed a bloke. Ross That’s all you could do if your name was Wankel is go, what are you going to do with your life? Well, it’s going to have to be engines, isn’t it? Or sex toys. Phil And I, for one, looking at that, am glad that he went the engine path. Stephen Yeah. OK. So, you can make a square hole with a round drill. But this is something even more extraordinary in a way. [holds up an unusually shaped wooden object] This is from an ordinary cylinder. And all you do is just cut two wedges off it, as long as the cylinder is as long as it is wide. You cut the two wedges, and you can do something, again, that you’re not supposed to be able to do. Ross Ah! Wedge the door open on a rabbit hutch? Stephen [laughs] No, it’s rather amazing, you’ve got the three Playschool windows. [holds up a board with a round hole, a triangular hole and a square hole cut into it] You’ve got the square, the triangle, and… Phil You can push it through all of them? Stephen That is a square now, see? [Passes wooden object through the square hole as cheerful glockenspiel music begins to play] See, square? Square. Jack Go on, put it through then. Stephen Also it’s… ooh hang on. [passes it through the triangular hole] Jack Oh, I see. Stephen It’s also a triangle. And… [passes it through the round hole] …it’s a circle. Isn’t that amazing? Just one shape. Ross Can we just leave that like, at a playgroup, and watch the kids heads explode? Stephen [to Alan] Do you want to try? [hands Alan the board and the shape] Put the round into the square. Alan [trying to pass the shape through the triangle] No, doesn’t work now. Viewscreens: Painting of a man hammering a round peg into a square hole. Stephen [laughs] It’s stopped working? Alan It’s stopped working. Broken, get the AA man. Stephen [laughs] Yeah, you got the circle. Alan [passes it through the circle] Circle, good, yes. Stephen Square? Alan [passes it through the square] Square, yes. Stephen Very good. Alan Triangle [struggles with the triangle] Jack He wasn’t great at school, Alan. Ross You realise, if you get this through, a banana come out of a chute. [mimes a monkey] Alan [laughing, still struggling] Ross No bananas for you. Alan [finally passing through the triangle] Ayy! What a… I’m such a complete tool aren’t I really? Stephen Well done, don’t patronise me. [laughs] Alan Applause for getting a bit of thing through a hole. Stephen Excellent. So you can get a round peg into a square hole. And a square peg into a round hole. Alan [hands the board and the shape back to Stephen] Let me play with the gun. I want to play with gun that shoots around corners. Stephen No, you can’t play with the gun. Alan [muttering] Special instructions “Don’t let Alan play with it.” Phil Police were baffled in London tonight by a series of murders committed round corners. Stephen Right, yes. Fact is, thanks to the wonders of geometry it’s quite possible to drill a square hole with a circular bit. Viewscreens: Photo of a galaxy. While we’re sanding and polishing, what is the roundest thing in the universe? Phil [raises hand] Stephen Yeah? Phil No, just saying. [raises both hands in an admission of roundness] Stephen Oh no! Phil… Oh, not at all. Phil You should see it when… no, um, the roundest thing in the universe? Alan Ball bearings? Stephen Ball bearings are quite round but… Alan I swallowed a ball bearing once. Stephen Did you? Phil You mean smoothest, most round… Stephen Well, yeah. The most purely, purely round, in other words. 'Cause if you, well… Phil The Earth is a thingy, isn’t it squashed, it’s not round. Stephen That’s right, it’s an oblate spheroid. Phil Woah, Nelly Furtardo! Stephen [laughs] Phil He’s got a word for everything. Ross Is it uh, a liquid drop, a water drop? Stephen They can get jolly round. They can be very round. Very nicely… We’re actually further out of space than Earth. Beyond Earth. It’s a cosmic phenomenon. Jack Is it a black hole? Stephen It’s that kind of a deal. Ross Oh it’s those um, space helmets, those big round space helmets with the things on the top. Jack Is it uh, is it the thing called the genius point, is it, the point at which everything goes to, ultimately? Stephen Not that, it’s when a supernova has a gravitational collapse it turns into something called a…? A neutron star. Jack Yeah. Stephen Yeah. Ross Oh, the neutron star! Alan They’re really round. Viewscreens: Photo of a supernova. Phil [shouting] That’s not round! Stephen [laughs] No, that’s not round. That’s a supernova, I think. Going supernova. Phil [shouting] Then show us the round thing! Stephen [laughs] The recent… he’s very upset, aren’t you? Phil [shouting] Yes! Stephen It only has a diameter of about 15 miles or so, and there isn’t one near enough for you to be able to see it with the naked eye. Jack Have you ever noticed how we always have to take Stephens word for it? Stephen But what’s interesting is that if I had a thimbleful of a neutron star it would weigh more than a mountain. Phil Yeah, but you don’t. Ross I tell you what, imagine how confused the old woman darning your socks would be if you had a thimble full of it, and she was just trying to fix a hole and it goes [imitates sound of neutron star] and there’s all space and time coming out of a thimble. That’s no way to treat the elderly. Stephen You’re right. Alan You put a thimble down and no one could pick it up. Stephen Noone, no, not at all. Jack And when you’ve got a good cleaning lady you want to hang on to them, you don’t want to mess around. “I’m leaving Mr Dee.” Why? “Well, because of all this space business with your thimbles, I don’t like it.” Stephen It might have double the mass of the sun but it’s only 15 miles across, roughly. Alan Wow. Stephen And the highest mountain on it is 5 millimetres. So it is superbly round. As opposed to the Earth, which although the Earth is jolly round, apart from the flat bits at the top. The point about the Earth is that it’s actually jolly smooth compared to say, a billiard ball. Viewscreens: Photo of billiard balls and the Earth on a billiard table. Phil Smoother than a ping pong ball. Stephen Yes, now why is that? A snooker ball or a… Phil I’m sorry, I did not know there would be a follow-up question. Stephen Yeah [laughs] Ross Why is the Earth… Stephen If you were to scale up a snooker ball to the size of the Earth the mountains and trenches would be hugely greater than our highest mountains or deepest trenches, i.e. the little pits that you can see when you examine a snooker ball closely if scaled up to the size of the Earth would be gigantic, so the Earth in that sense is smoother than a billiard ball. Which brings me round to a hypothetical question. What’s made of jelly and lives forever? Viewscreens: Photo of a jelly and a spoon on a plate. Phil [buzzes] Shark infested custard. Wrong joke. Ross Oh, ah, is it a famous jelly? Phil Royal Jelly, bees? Stephen No, what lives and is made of jelly? Alan Jellyfish. Stephen A jellyfish. And what sort of jellyfish would live forever? Ross The Highlander. Jack Um, an eternal jellyfish? Stephen An eternal, or as it is known, the Immortal jellyfish. Jack The Immortal jellyfish, as I was about to say. Stephen Yeah, you were. Viewscreens: Photos of the Immortal jellyfish. Turritopsis, um, is its proper name and there it is, and the extraordinary thing about it is it doesn’t die. What happens after it sexes… [catches his mistake] After it sexes? Ross [American accent] I’m gonna sex ya, I’m a sexy jellyfish, I’m gonna sex ya. Stephen After it’s had sex, is the more normal way of saying it, I suppose. Alan I have sexed. Ross Margery, shall we sex? Stephen [laughs] Ross We haven’t sexed for a good week. Alan [mimes answering a phone] Can’t talk now, I’m sexing. Stephen Why don’t we say that, it’s perfectly logical isn’t it? Alan Some of us do say that. Stephen But anyway, there you are. After it’s sexed it can then turn back into a child. Its cells change function, the muscle cells and the sperm cells and the egg cells change back, and it literally goes, as it were, back in time and just starts again. It’s the same creature. Ross That’d be a bit unnerving for its partner though. Do you know what I mean? You’ve just made love and then [imitates sound of jellyfish changing back] Alan [child’s voice] Can we watch Grange Hill? Stephen Of course they do die, because they get eaten or they get diseased, but they don’t actually die of old age. Phil I’m trying to work out which of those five phases is the Emo one that paints his bedroom black and doesn’t talk to you for weeks. Stephen Well, now what about human attempts to be immortal or to rejuvenate at least, what was the great popular one earlier in the twentieth century? Jack Cliff Richard? Stephen [laughs] True. Alan Being frozen. Cryogenics. Stephen Well, that doesn’t really rejuvenate, that’s just kind of waiting until there’s a cure isn’t there, but… Phil Monkey glands? Royal Jelly? Stephen Monkey glands. And what did they mean by monkey glands? Phil The glands… of a monkey. Stephen They weren’t really glands though were they? They were…? Phil Oh was it… Stephen Testicles. Phil 'Ave a… Ju… No! Stephen Yes. It started as human testicles, I’m sorry to say. Alan They’re perfectly round. Go and get a thimble! Phil A thimble. Ross And if you were to scale them up to the size of the Earth, they’d take hours to scratch. Chinese farmers with rakes [mimes raking] Monkey balls? Stephen Monkey balls. There was a man called Serge Voronoff who was a Russian who lived in Paris… Viewscreens: Photo of Serge Voronoff flanked by identical photos of a chimpanzee. Phil Woah! Hello, ladies. And I’m talking about the dude in the middle. Stephen It started as human testicles that he would inject parts of the human testicle in ah, and then they… Ross He was injecting parts of the human testicles? Is that what he told the ladies, was it? Stephen But it was very popular, in fact Wolverhampton Wanderers; they had a striker in the late ‘40’s called Dennis Westcott. Viewscreens: a pair of stripy underpants has been added to the chimpanzees. Stephen And the manager, the manager of the Wolverhampton Wanderers, I rather like this period in English football where managers were called things like Major Frank Buckley. You don’t get many Majors manager-ing [shakes his head at his mistake] English football teams anymore. Alan Or indeed sexing. Stephen Or indeed sexing. Ross I love the fact that you did one impersonation of me, and now you can’t use grammar at all. It’s like, next week’s QI has been cancelled; Noble has infected Fry’s brain. Alan [imitating Steven-as-Ross] Welcome to QI! Ha-hey! [mimes juggling] Ross Get the monkey balls out, we’re sexing it tonight. Alan [mimes juggling, with monkey sound effects] Stephen Major Frank Buckley insisted on his striker having been injected with monkey testicles, and amazingly he went on to score 38 goals in 35 games. And so then… Alan And he maimed hundreds of monkeys. Stephen Then the manager of Plymouth made his team inject themselves, or be injected with monkey, and so… Jack That’s got to be an interesting talk, hasn’t it? “What I want you to do lads” Stephen It was of course bollocks in every sense, but it was very fashionable. The search for eternal youth. And now, look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair; it’s time for General Ignorance. How do snakes manage when their lunch is bigger than their head? Viewscreens: Photo of a Corn snake eating a mouse. Ross [buzzes] Stephen Yes, Ross Noble? Ross They dislocate their jaw? Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "THEY DISLOCATE THEIR JAW". Stephen Oh, Ross you were doing so well! I’m so sorry. This is a common misapprehension; they don’t do any such thing. They just have very wide stretchy mouths. They have a special bone which in mammals has become our anvil and other ear bones. Phil So the choice was I could either hear very well or eat something bigger than my head. Stephen Yeah, essentially, yeah. Essentially, it’s this quadrate… Phil [shaking fist toward the heavens] Evolution! Stephen He can’t hear you. Viewscreens: Photo of snake skeletons with the quadrate bone circled. Ross Yeah but we’ve only got your word for it that that picture there is a snake eating a mouse. That might be a new mouse creature that has a snake head. Stephen [laughs] It might, it might. It’s a lovely thought. Ross I’ll have them points back, please. Alan Doesn’t it slip out or something? Stephen No, it’s a double jointed hinge. Ross Is that what we use on eh, snakeskin handbags to get the [mimes opening and closing handbag] Stephen Gosh, that would be a very impressive handbag wouldn’t it. Ross Fit more in. Stephen But sometimes they do overreach themselves; there was a case in 2005 in the Everglades of Florida, where a Burmese python attempted to eat a whole alligator. Viewscreens: Photo of a snake in a swamp, having swallowed an alligator. And it got it into it [points to viewscreen] that is an alligator inside a snake. But the alligator was still alive inside the snake and tore at the… and the python exploded. So uh, isn’t that extraordinary? Jack And who lived, who survived? Stephen Well, I think the alligator probably was dead as well unfortunately by this time, he’d got… both dead. Jack So, not a happy ending. Stephen There were no winners, no winners. What you may ask, what a Burmese python was doing in the middle of Florida. Ross It was on holidays. Alan It’s a very popular destination. Stephen [laughs] Is the right… it is a very popular destination. They’re very popular pets and that’s actually the reason they’re in Florida 'cause they escape and they find the Florida swamps very similar to the… "The Burmese swamp where the python romp" as Noel Coward put it. So, yes. Snakes don’t actually dislocate their jaws to swallow big meals; they just have very stretchy mouths. What does a judge do when he wants order in his court? Here? Viewscreens: Photo of a Stephen Fry as a judge in the film Spice World. Phil Oh… Jack Uh… Alan Ah… Phil [buzzes] Stephen Yes? Phil He bangs his gavel. Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words “BANGS HIS GAVEL". Stephen Oh, no he doesn’t. British judges have never had gavels, never. They do on some television programs, mainly because I think props people just think it looks good but they never have them. They never ever have them. Jack Sometimes if they’re conducting an auction at the same time, they do. Stephen If they were conducting an auction. It’s unlikely that’s going to happen. Auctioneers do have gavels, indeed. Phil So judges… Stephen Judges don’t have gavels. No. Phil [motions to viewscreens] You’ve got one there. Jack I was a judge in Kingdom, the, your… Stephen You were. Jack …and I had a gavel in that, so. Stephen Did you? Jack I think so, I seem to remember, yeah. Stephen We got that wrong. Alan Another reason why that show went tits up. [laughs] Stephen Cancelled! [laughs] Yes, British judges have never used gavels, unlike American judges and auctioneers everywhere. And finally, the notorious pirate Blackbeard has just given me a map, what does the "X" mark? Viewscreens: Photo of a treasure map. Alan The spot. Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words “THE SPOT". Stephen Oh! If anything I suppose he gave me a signature because he probably can’t write. Most pirates couldn’t. The fact is there is no case in history that anyone knows of pirates burying treasure and drawing maps with X’s on. Jack Does it mean the hole? Stephen It all comes from…? Alan Treasure Island. Stephen Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson. Why would a pirate want to bury treasure, I mean they, you know… Alan To stop the other pirates getting it. Stephen Yeah but he’s got to spend it. Phil They can hardly go to the Bradford and Bingley, [pirate voice] “I’ve got a chest full of doubloons and booty.” [bank teller voice] “Yes, would you like fixed term or extended interest?” Alan “Oh, God, I went to the Bradford and Bingley and got stuck behind a bloody pirate. I was there my whole lunch hour.” Viewscreens: Photo of Robert Newton as Long John Silver in the film Treasure Island. Phil [pirate voice] “I’ve got twenty Portuguese whores.” Ross That’s why they brought in those pens on the chains 'cause they couldn’t get it with a hook. They’d be like that [mimes fumbling for pen] so they just hook a pen and go like that [mimes hooking the pen by the chain] and then they just do this [mimes writing with the dangling pen, ending in a flourish] Stephen There’s a lot of myths about pirates, there is no known pirate to have a… Alan [looking at viewscreens] That man’s face is the colour of a strawberry. That’s incredible. Stephen You know who that is. Alan No I don’t. Phil That’s Robert… Stephen Newton. Robert Newton, who really invented ‘pirate speak’ that “Oh. Arr. Jim-lad.” Phil That’s all from him. Stephen In fact Tony Hancock’s career started as a Robert Newton impersonator. That’s what Tony Hancock did, that was his act. There’s an ‘International Talk Like a Pirate Day’, isn’t there, in September. Jack Somalian. Stephen [laughs] Somalian, yes! Alan I met a kid from Somalia, he came up beside me on his pushbike, and he said “You is on TV, innit?” and I said “Yes, yes. Nice to see you.” “Don’t go. Don’t walk away, don’t walk away. You got to help me get into TV.” And I said uh, “OK, well.” “How do I get in?” “I said, well, you know, join your local drama group.” I don’t know what I said to him. He goes “I’m Somalian, but I can do Eritrean.” Stephen [laughs] That’s fantastic! Alan [laughs] Stephen There may be a demand for that, you know, somewhere? Alan I said I’ll see what I can do. I’ll speak to the producers of Jonathan Creek. Stephen On that bombshell, pirates very rarely buried treasure they preferred to spend it, and they never once used a map with an "X" on it to help them locate it. So that’s it, we’ve hobbled our way through higgledy piggledy hodgepodge and all that remains is the humiliation of the final scores. My goodness, my gracious, my me. Um. Holding his head high this week with a staggering plus 2 points is Jack Dee. Jack Dear. Stephen And holding his own in second place, a very creditable entry into the QI stakes is our newcomer Ross Noble with minus six. Ross Hello. Thanks. Stephen Oh well, a triumph here because holding out the hope of greater things, it’s Alan on minus eight. Well done. Alan Thank you. Stephen Which means, sadly hanging his head in shame on minus ten is Phil Jupitus. That’s
all from this heterogeneous edition of QI so it’s goodnight from Jack,
Phil, Ross, Alan and me, and I leave you with this… Good night. |
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