Transcript by: Glenn Campbell
Notes: This transcript has not been edited for style or content, but I'm sure it's jolly good.
TRANSCRIPT
Stephen
Guuuuuuuuuuuten abend, guten abend guten abend guten abend und wilkommen to QI, tonight we're dallying in Deutschland
and joining me on the panel we have the Germanic Rob Brydon… joined by
the Teutonic Sean Lock… the Wagnerian Jo Brand… and the Gerry-built Alan
Davies.
And tonight, to attract my attention with an Actung! the panel have the very latest in precision engineered buzzers. Rob goes:
Rob
[presses buzzer, which plays the Deutschlandlied]
Stephen
Sean goes:
Sean
[presses buzzer, which plays some Oom-pah music]
Stephen
Jo goes:
Jo
[presses buzzer, which plays Richard Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries']
Stephen
And Alan goes:
Alan
[presses buzzer, which plays a clip from the song 'Don't Let's be Beastly to the Germans']
Stephen
And I should warn you that I'll be cracking down very hard, panellistes, on any mention of the War. Don't mention the War. You have been war-ned.
So, since we're talking
about Germany, let's define our terms. There are some words that we
don't have in English and we sometimes borrow them from Germany. I want
you to give me a sentence using, correctly, the word schadenfreude.
Viewscreens: The word "SCHADENFREUDE" imposed over an image of a German monument.
Alan
A whole sentence?
Stephen
Yes. You can manage.
Sean [pointing at viewscreens]
That statue's all covered in schadenfreude.
Stephen
It's a sentence…
Sean
Must've been a cold night.
Alan
Look at the size of my schadenfreude.
Stephen
Ah! Any other thoughts? Familiar with the phrase?
Jo
[presses buzzer, which plays Richard Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries']
Stephen
Woah! Yes?
Jo
I enjoyed the schadenfreude I experienced when my husband was killed by a local gangster.
Stephen
Is the correct use of the word schadenfreude! Correct but deeply in need of therapy. Yeah, so schadenfreude means…?
Jo
Pleasure in the misfortune of others.
Stephen
Pleasure in the misfortune of others. And there is no English phrase
for it so we had to borrow it from the Germans. Does the word gemütlichkeit mean anything to you?
Viewscreens: The imposed word is replaced with "GEMÜTLICHKEIT".
Alan
How dare you!
Rob
That sounds kind of Jewish, that's like a Jackie Beysund [Jewish accent] "Bahuntlikheit gabutlitheid don't know what he's talking about why should it be." [normal voice] How ironic that it's actually German.
Stephen
Well it's not ironic because Yiddish is German, the Jews'…
Rob
Yeah, I knew that.
Alan
Is gesuntheid Yiddish?
Stephen
Gesuntheid is German, it just means, literally, soundness or health. Yeah, but gemütlichkeit… mean anything to you?
Alan
No idea.
Stephen
No? It's a word that - particularly in Austria and Bavaria, but all
around Germany - it sort of signifies a kind of cosiness, a charm, an
ease, a relaxed, pleasant feeling…
Alan
Swingers party.
Stephen
Er, maybe. Gemütlich people are also good community people, they're very kind to their neighbours.
Rob
Is it the German brand name for Rohepnol ?
Stephen
Such cynics! It's considered so important for things like Austrian
holidays. There was a reasonably famous case in the early seventies of a
man who sued a travel company because there was no gemütlichkeit on their holiday. And he won! He won, for lack of gemütlichkeit.
Rob
Was that like, lack of a good… a nice feeling?
Stephen
A nice, warm feeling. It was called Jarvis vs. Swan Tours Limited in
1973 and was precedent in English contract law, apparently. Okay… Zugzwang ? Mean anything to you?
Viewscreens: The imposed word is replaced with "ZUGZWANG".
Stephen
It's used in chess.
Alan
Check mate? Stalemate?
Stephen
No, it's slightly like stalemate, it isn't though. It's for one player
where his disadvantage is that he has to move. And in chess you have to
move obviously, if your opponent has moved, it's your move. You can't
just say, "I pass, you can now move." And by moving you weaken your
position, sometimes fatally, and that's called "being in zugzwang ".
But anyway, so I'll try one more… Zeitgeist. You'll know that one.
Viewscreens: The imposed word is replaced with "ZEITGEIST".
Alan
Zeitgeist… yes, I've heard of that. It's, sort of,
something in the air that you, that everyone feels and it leads to
similar ideas happening…
Stephen
Yes…
Jo
Spirit of the age.
Stephen
Spirit of the age. It literally means "time ghost" or "time spirit". Yeah, exactly. Well… you did pretty good on your German.
Alan
Turns out that German words are not in the zeitgeist.
Stephen
It seems not. It seems that they aren't. They're not in your…
Alan
I did a German word joke. I didn't even know I had it in me.
Stephen
German words are not in your weltanschauung.
Alan
Indeed.
Stephen
Well good, we use a lone word like that when we're overwhelmed with that, weltschmerz and angst, because we don't have one of our own, one of the many ways that our German friends have contributed to the gestalt of the English language.
Now, how upset are the Germans about the 1966 World Cup?
Rob
Er, well, very I would say.
Stephen
Ooh…
Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "VERY".
Stephen
You see?
Rob
Well it would be a surely, I would have thought, a proud nation like the Germans.
Stephen
They were upset at the time but I said "How upset are they?", they barely remember it. If you asked the average German who won the World Cup in 1966…
Alan
Yeah, they're pretending.
Rob
They're just saying that.
Stephen
No, because the fact is…
Alan
"World Cup? No, I don't know."
Stephen
No, because we care about it, they don't. They care about their scores
against Holland. That's their big thing. They really, honestly... if
you ask the average German, they just "66?"… they really don't know.
"Oh, did you? Well done.", you know…
Rob
International…
Stephen
When for us it was like everything, "Wow! We won!" But they, in 1974,
beat the Dutch and that, to them, was the one they really, really care
about.
Sean
But then surely the Dutch have never provided a great deal of
opposition to them. Generally, in history, they've just walked into
Holland whenever they fancied it.
Stephen
Oh, in that sense…
Sean
Each time they want, they just go into Holland and they just, like, spin the windmills…
Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "DON'T MENTION THE WAR".
Sean
I haven't mentioned it yet!
Rob
Aha!
Sean
I didn't say it!
Stephen
Come on! Yes you did.
Sean
I was talking about… I was talking about the great, er, Gemertltzschip
of 1762 where they just walked into Holland … but they can just enter
it… oh, I'll mention the War if I want… You have to. Surely they're
denying their true rivalry which would be with us. They're in…
Stephen
Why denying?
Sean
They're in denial.
Stephen
We may think that but it's up to them to decide...
Sean
Well they're wrong.
Stephen
… I mean, you can't force a German to care about whether they beat us or not.
Sean
Well they bloody well should!
Stephen
Yes, I'm sure you're very upset by it but I mean they just don't care
that much. And there are other things like the sunlounge-hogging with
the towel.
Alan
Yeah.
Stephen
Is that something you've actually experienced?
Viewscreens: Picture of German towels on poolside sunloungers.
Alan
Yeah.
Stephen
There's a picture of it.
Rob
These are some of Alan's holiday photos he brought with.
Stephen
It turns out that a German lawyer called Ralf Höcker actually did a
study and he confirms that we think it, but Germans are blissfully
unaware of their reputation in this case…
Rob
No! Really?
Stephen
… but a study by Halifax …
Sean
I think they don't care, is the right description of it.
Stephen
They just are… they don't know that's what we think of them, but Halifax Travel Insur…
Alan
They think it's just common sense to go down before breakfast, basically at dawn, and take all the beds around the pool.
Stephen
It turns out that Halifax Travel Insurance, in 2009, confirmed this
study that Germans are the most likely to reserve sunloungers with
towels. And which nation do you think is the second most likely to?
Alan
The Dutch?
Stephen
The British.
Alan
The British…
Stephen
Very close.
Alan
… who turn up ten minutes later… "Ah, God!"
Stephen
Exactly. While the French and Italians and Portuguese are having breakfast and not really caring.
Alan
Well, and also they're in their own countries.
Stephen
Ah, yeah, well that's… That's true.
Alan
Enjoying the lovely food and weather.
Stephen
That is highly true. Highly true.
Jo
I had a run-in with some Germans on holiday once, I'm sad to say
'cause I like Germans on the whole, and, er, I walked through the hotel
past a group of Germans who didn't realise I understood German and as I
went past, one of them said, "Ha ha, there goes a sad, fat, English
(something rude)." and, erm, so I railed at them in my pidgin German
which made them laugh even more. And the next morning I had to walk past
them on my way round the pool 'cause obviously they'd sat down in all
the nice chairs, and I went past with my head held high, like that, sat
down on a deckchair, went through it.
Stephen
Oh no! Oh Jo!
Jo
And they pointed and laughed.
Stephen
Oh dear.
Alan
They left the one chair, they'd already weakened it in some way… [pretends to be the instigator, nudging his compatriot and uttering German-sounding phrases in a German accent, then laughing]
Jo
That's very good, I remember that. "Ho!"
Stephen
The other stereotype we have of Germans, of course, is that they've
very efficient and they think that of themselves as well but they
anticipate that we think of them as lederhosen-wearing beer drinkers.
But what do they think of us? What are the six major thoughts the
Germans have about the British?
Alan
That we'll be… probably, a bit smelly? Beery?
Stephen
Untidy, the would say.
Alan
Untidy, scruffy…
Stephen
They think of us as untidy.
Jo
Violent?
Stephen
Well, we come in mobs, certainly. That we're obsessed with royalty,
apparently… they think we're all obsessed with royalty, that we drink
tea all the time, that we're rather reserved and we can't cook.
Alan
Well they've been over, then.
Stephen
Yeah, they've visited. A pretty accurate summation, I fear. It's not… they've certainly read our newspapers.
Alan
Yeah.
Stephen
There you are. The fact is we may think of the Germans as our great
rivals on the football field but they're more interested in the Dutch.
But why did the Germans confiscate the Dutchmen's trousers?
Alan
What, the Dutch… Is there some special Dutch trouser… am I missing some special Dutch trouser thing?
Stephen
When was the World Cup held in Germany ?
Alan
74 and 2006.
Stephen
2006. Now, in 2006, a group of Dutch fans – in fact, hundreds of
thousands of Dutch fans – thought it would be rather charming to buy
some orange lederhosen that were provided for them, which had two big pockets they could put beer in, and they had a lion's tail… they were called Leeuwenhosen in Dutch, which means Lion Trouser, Lion Pants…
Viewscreens: Picture of Dutch fans in their Leeuwenhosen.
Stephen
… there they are… big, big pockets for their beer…
Rob
They look like they work for easyJet.
Stephen
They do don't they? They do… it's the same colour, the colour of
Holland … they're orange, House of Nassau. But these were confiscated en masse to such an extent that all the Dutch fans that came to the first Dutch game against Cote D'Ivoire, the Ivory Coast, had them taken away, so they had to watch in their underpants.
Alan
Why ?
Stephen
So why… that's my question. Why? Why, Alan?
Alan
They could be used…
Stephen
Why take them…
Alan
They could be used as a catapult.
Stephen
No. I'm afraid it's a more…
Sean
They probably thought it's not a very good match. "We want a shot of loads of people in their pants, during the game."
Alan
The manufacturer had some kind of logo on them?
Stephen
Well they do, you can see what's there.
Sean
Oh, sponsorship, it's because of the sponsorship.
Stephen
I fear it's true, that the official FIFA beer was not Bavaria, and
therefore it wasn't allowed… this happens a lot, I'm afraid, at
Wimbledon it's happened. Some woman had her yoghurt taken away from her
because it wasn't 'The official yoghurt of Wimbledon '.
Rob
Outrageous. That's horrible.
Stephen
Pathetic. It's Britishly pathetic.
Rob
It's outrageous as well.
Stephen [parodied]
"Eat your yoghurt, will you? Naah."
Alan
For the Bavaria beer company, that scam was a complete waste of trousers.
Stephen
It was a waste of…
Alan
"We've got a brilliant idea…" [places his head in his hands] "Oh, no…"
Stephen
"Oh no." Exactly.
Sean
They should have got them tattooed… "Bavaria Beer"… on their foreheads.
Stephen
Yes.
Sean
And then they'd have to laser them before they go inside.
Stephen
I think they'll…
Sean
And they'll be [mimes the action of a laser] bzzt, bzzt, bzzt…
and there's people with burnt foreheads watching the game. That would
have been good. I'd have liked that. Do you know that's why… do you
know, when premiership footballers get booked, where… when they take
their shirts off when they score a goal… it's…
Stephen
… because, oh yeah…
Sean
… that's the time you see the sponsors, isn't it? When they score a
goal, you see the sponsor on the shirt. That's why FIFA made it a
bookable offence, to take off your shirt when you score a goal, 'cause
that's the time when you get all the coverage.
Alan
Right.
Sean
You know, "The Beano"… The Beano are going, "Christ, we spent hundreds
of millions to sponsor Man United and, erm, Ronaldo takes his shirt
off."
Stephen
All you see is nipples.
Sean
Yeah.
Stephen
Yeah. So what does lederhosen mean?
Alan
Leather trousers?
Stephen
Leather pants, leather trousers, absolutely.
Viewscreens: An image of men wearing lederhosen.
Stephen
It's one of those instances where the upper classes decided to ape the
peasantry in the eighteenth century and had these incredibly expensive
wedding and country feasts, in which they pretended to be, you know,
rather like Marie Antoinette with her silver milk churns, pretending to
be a milkmaid.
Rob
Now the socks that that man in the middle is wearing are very long
socks and, er, just out of interest for you, that's something that I've
turned to recently. I now… I now favour the longer sock.
Stephen
Do you? Can you take me through your reasoning?
Rob
Yes I can, I'll show you. The gentleman's sock…
Stephen
Half hose, it's called the half hose.
Rob
Now, Jo …
Jo
Rob
Rob
… you, as a lady, are going to think this sock is going to stop a lot sooner than it does. So watch… watch this… look at that… [Rob proceeds to slowly reveal his long socks] Surely… surely we've reached the peak?
Stephen
Oh my goodness me.
Rob [still revealing his socks]
Surely we've peaked? No…
Stephen
Oh my word!
Rob
Surely…
Stephen
He's wearing tights!
[Rob finally breaches the top of his socks]
Stephen
Ah!
Rob
That's, um… can I say, not so much to Jo, but Stephen, Alan and Sean… I
urge you to give it a go. Because it gives you a feeling of security.
Jo
They do make you look like a knobhead. Sorry. Rob…
[Rob gets a hurt expression]
Stephen
But one of the problems that men have…
Jo
… they do!
Stephen
There's a problem men have, Jo, which is that we wear away the hair we have on our shins by tight, short socks, don't we? [To Rob] Is that one of the things that you…
Rob
Sorry, can I say that by carrying on the conversation, you imply that you agree with what Jo said…
Stephen
What was going through my mind is how difficult it would ever be for a
man to say that to a woman… That's all. And I thought that I'm not
going to go in that direction, that we allow women to be rude to us…
Rob
Can you please come down on one side or the other here?
Jo
You mean yours.
Rob
Either you're with me or you're with her.
Stephen
True, but it's just as true that women make themselves look positively ridiculous, occasionally, too.
Sean
Put it this way, Rob, it doesn't make you look cool. Put it that way. Nobody's gonna go, "I'm gonna get a pair of those."
Rob
Well at the risk of turning this into Ready Steady Cook, why don't we let the audience decide?
Stephen [to audience]
All those who think Rob is really onto something with the gentleman's
'half hose' as I believe they are technically called, the 'long sock'…
the Brydon long sock… could you please shout out "long sock!"
[Some of the audience yell out "long sock!"]
Rob
Oh it's not good.
Stephen
It's not going to do, I fear, without having to ask…
Rob
There's no need to carry on.
Stephen
No, okay.
There's a class of ethnic emigrant – now long-established in America – known as Pennsylvania Dutch. Where do you think they originally came from?
Sean
Germany.
Stephen
Yes. The Rhineland and Switzerland.
Sean
See I double-bluffed you there.
Stephen
Exactly, very good, but why would they be called Dutch?
Sean
Because the Americans couldn't be bothered…
Stephen
No. Because they rightly recognised that Dutch and Deutsch are the same word, Deutsch is Dutch and it was partly because of what we now call the Dutch Dutch, the Hollanders, were at war with Britain many times and they'd of course invaded…
Jo
You mentioned the war.
Stephen
"At war with", not "The War".
Sean [pointing at Jo]
You did.
Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "DON'T MENTION THE WAR".
Stephen
It's a minefield. Oh my Lord.
Rob
Can I just say… could I just say, Jo, erm, that I'm a knobhead?
Stephen
What would you use this for? Have a look at a picture of them, here.
Viewscreens: Picture of three white objects sporting smiley faces.
Sean
To frighten the children.
Stephen
It's a German invention…
Sean
Put a torch behind it and then you creep up into their bedroom at
night when they're asleep and just move it very slowly across the room.
Stephen
It's a thing that is used in the lavatory, in the W.C.
Jo
Air freshener?
Stephen
No. It's a habit, it's for men to do something when they go to the lavatory. It's to encourage them…
Alan
The seat? Anything to do with the seat?
Stephen
It is to do with the seat.
Sean
You can dive off it into the toilet.
Stephen
No. Noble guess, but doomed. No.
Sean
Do they sit down…
Jo
Is it so that they don't have to touch the seat?
Sean
… do they sit down in Germany ?
Stephen
It's if they lift the seat, which men tend to do before having a pee, this… I have one here… [reaches down and produces the gadget] … there it is.
[The
device immediately relates a voice message. Stephen holds it to his
lapel mike so that it may be heard to say, in a female voice, "This is
your toilet speaking. Wouldn't you like to sit down? If you prefer to
stand, well then you may leave now."]
Rob
Poor German men don't actually get to go to the toilet, then, do they? No wonder they're wearing that lederhosen and slapping themselves all the time.
Stephen
No, the point is… in Germany, they think it's somehow unhygienic
because there's splashing and things. They want the men to sit. So it's
like…
Viewscreens: Picture of a loo with the gadget secured under the seat.
Stephen
… that's how it's attached, so when you lift up the seat, it starts
speaking at you loud enough, in a public lavatory, for others to hear.
So their men sit and have a pee. That's the idea.
Rob
Well splashing is a problem. We've got builders in at the moment and they're all using the lower loo. It is like the Centre Parks Log Flume in there.
Sean
Is that why you've got the long socks?
Rob [nods]
What I say to you and to every person here is don't knock it till you
try… yeah, I was the same as you, I thought they were ridiculous. Then I
put 'em on and I'm loving it.
Sean
How good can it be, though, just a long sock?
Rob
I know… exactly, exactly, but have you tried it, Sean?
Sean
No.
Rob
Exactly. Try it, then come back to me.
Sean
I just wonder what's going to happen to you when you go, like,
skydiving. You go, "Wow! This is incredible! Forget the socks, this is
amazing!"
Rob
I have been skydiving.
Sean
Have you tried jelly? That's nice. "Oh my God! The socks were good, this is incredible!"
Rob
They laughed at Edison, you know, they…
Stephen
A lot of wierdos as well, though, Rob.
[Rob looks offended]
Stephen [placating]
No, they did… I just, you know… balancing out. Anyway, these are
called a SPUK which is also German for spoon but it's also an acronym,
S-P-U-K, that stands for StehPinkler Unter Kontrolle. Erm… Stehpinkeln is to stand, urinating, as opposed to sitzpinkeln which is to sit.
Rob
You're going to think I'm making this up but when I 'sit down', if I'm
wearing a heavy cord - a jumbo cord for example – one of the things
that annoys me more then anything else is when I put my trousers down to
sit down, sometimes it catches the long sock and takes it down with
them.
Stephen
No! Oh, horror!
Rob
And sometimes I will pull the sock up while I'm sitting there…
Stephen
Oh, what a nightmare…
Rob
… just to have that nice feeling of control, of the sock reaching the knee.
Sean
Just a minute, Rob… You're not a knobhead, you wear long socks and jumbo cords…
Rob
I said if I'm wearing… Sometimes I'll wear a jumbo cord.
Sean
You know what my dilemma is, in that situation, is what I often do…
is, if I'm sitting on the toilet… is if I take my glasses off, right…
'cause I don't like wearing them…
Rob
For distance.
Sean
… You don't need them. I'm sat there for a while, I don't need my glasses. I often take my glasses off [he removes his glasses] and the pants act like a little hammock for the glasses.
It gets worse, 'cause
when I put them in there… and then I might be sat there for some time
because my diet isn't the healthiest – I eat far more meat than I should
– and then sometimes… so I might sat there for ten or fifteen minutes…
Stephen
Good lord.
Sean
… and then, when I'm finished, I stand up to pull my trousers up, I forget about my glasses…
Stephen
Oh, no!
Sean
And I go, "Ooh! My glasses!" and I've rammed my glasses deep into my under regions.
Stephen
Woah.
Sean [wiping his spectacles before replacing them]
And, er, I cleaned this pair, I think.
[The audience groans]
Stephen
Well, I hope no-one else has any more…
Alan
Thanks for sharing.
Stephen
Yes, quite. Well anyway, the SPUK is a hi-tech weapon in the German battle against men weeing on the floor.
What do naked German students do for a living?
Viewscreens: Image of two naked men skipping through a field.
Stephen
The Nacktputzservice, if that means anything to you…
Alan
Is it the… You can hire a naked person… not for life modelling or anything?
Stephen
You can hire a naked student… no, not for life modelling, for doing
housework. Germans like to have naked students doing their Hoovering and
their housework…
Viewscreens: The men now hold cleaning implements.
Jo
How bizarre.
Stephen
It's because nudism is a very German thing. The Germans, sort of, I
won't say they invented nudism, that's ridiculous, but they – as the
kind of movement we know it – it did spring from Germany.
Sean
F.K.K.
Stephen
F.K.K… Very good! Points. Do you know what that stands for?
Sean
"Frei corpus culture"?
Stephen
Freikörperkultur, exactly, "Free Body Culture" Right… you must get points for that. How do you know about F.K.K.?
Sean
I just know… I know about it, it's… It's famous in the thirties, wasn't it?
Stephen
That's right.
Sean
There was a lot of nudism.
Stephen
Until Hitler…
Sean
I know some stuff.
Stephen
Yes, I know you do, I was just interested. No, Göring in particular,
of all the high-echelon Nazis, loathed nudism and spoke out against it
and said that the police must be trained to stop anybody going naked.
But after that period which must not be mentioned, erm, it sprang up
again and now in Switzerland and places where there's an open border –
and in Poland, for example – hordes of naked German hikers are crossing
the border and going hiking… and the Poles don't like it, the Swiss hate
it, they all find it disgusting.
Sean
They love it in Germany, don't they?
Stephen
And they… Not only, of course, in beaches but in the centre of Munich, the English Garden – the Englischer Garten – has a nudist area… and the biggest park in Berlin, the Tiergarten, has a nudist area too. Can't really imagine Hyde Park having a nude area, can you?
Sean
If you're a naturist in this country, I mean, it's just… you're into hiding for nothing, aren't you?
Stephen
It's not really the country for it.
Sean
It's not… no, it's not… you're asking for punishment, aren't you? I mean, Germany does have decent summers doesn't it?
Stephen
Yeah, it does.
Sean
You know, if it doesn't, it just expands to somewhere where the summers are better.
Stephen
Yeah.
Sean [anticipating the forfeit]
Come on…
Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "DON'T MENTION THE
WAR".
Sean
If I was a nudist, I'd go nude but, just for a laugh, just before I
left the caravan, I'd get a little bit of tissue paper and stick it… [motions toward his bottom]
Stephen
Ah, no!
Sean
And see how long… see how long before someone mentions it. Playing volleyball… [he acts out the scene with joyful energy] "Who wants to come for a smoothie? Come on! I'm buying!" Someone will go, "Sean…" "Yeah? What? Oh!"
Stephen
Anyway, Nacktputzservice is the popular German practice of
hiring students to clean your house in the nude. It's all in the finest
tradition of the home of modern nudism.
What's the most repeated TV show of all time?
Rob
Top Gear. It is, hey… it is!
Stephen
You do get a lot of Top Gear.
Rob
There isn't a time of day when it is not possible to watch Top Gear. True! And it is on con… and it's always a different one.
Stephen
Ah, but this is one programme.
Rob
Ah, one show that's…
Stephen
One show. The most repeated show.
Jo
It's a German show…
Stephen
It's a British comedian, two British comedians…
Jo
Called The Dutchess.
Stephen
Sorry?
Jo
It's called The Dutchess or something like that.
Stephen
No. I think you know what I'm referring to here.
Jo
The Waiter or Lady Somebody … It's, yeah, it's a British drip being a waiter to a posh…
Stephen
It's called Dinner for One …
Jo
That's right.
Stephen
… and it's shown on every channel in Germany on December the 31 st every year and has been since 1972.
Jo
Ooh and I know who's in it as well.
Stephen
Yes ?
Jo
Freddie Frinton.
Stephen
Freddie Frinton, you're right, plays a butler who has to, um, serve a
Christmas dinner for his mistress, played by Mae Ward, who's rather mad
and old, and pretend there are other people there and he pours out
drinks for them and gets drunk himself. You can see a bit of it, here
you are:
Viewscreens : A monochrome movie clip from "Dinner for One".
Stephen
You know. Alright, it's broad humour. But it was…
Alan
It's all very well in it's own way but what's going on with the every single channel every single year thing?
Stephen
It's become a cult, it's unavoidable in Germany. They have parties for
it, it's just a tradition. There was a sketch done in 1920, er, they
used to do it on the halls and other places like that and a German TV
presenter saw it in 1963 and thought it was amusing and said "Come and
do it on German television." So they did it on German television once
then they did it again to record it. In 1972 they showed it and they
showed it every since and it's become so popular…
I think, to give Germans
their credit, they laugh as much ironically at it as we would if we saw
it, it's just one of those things that happens to a big com… an
extraordinary tradition.
Jo
I'm quite glad we've got The Great Escape over here.
Stephen
That's, exactly, that's our tradition. If you might…
Alan
Not on every channel.
Stephen
Not on every channel, I agree, it is pretty extreme. It's almost impossible to avoid. Dinner for One with Freddie Frinton.
Anyway, what did Uncle Wiggly Wings ever do for Germany ?
Viewscreens: Monochrome photo of a crowd of children.
Alan
Sounds like a children's character or something. Uncle Wiggly Wings.
Stephen
Well he was someone who helped children. What we're looking at here,
we're looking from a high point down on children who look a bit…
Alan
Abandoned orphans calling to a helicopter to "please airlift me out of here".
Stephen
Airlift is a good word. Stick with the word airlift. What does an airlift in Germany bring to mind?
Sean
Berlin.
Stephen
The Berlin Airlift.
Sean
The War.
Stephen
No it doesn't say that. It's not the war…
Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "DON'T MENTION THE WAR".
Alan
No, it was during the cold war, when the…
Stephen
The cold war you can mention alright.
Alan
… when they blockaded the, erm…
Stephen
Berlin?
Alan
West Berlin.
Stephen
Yes, the Russians completely closed off the city of Berlin, which was
in their sector, the Eastern Sector, in 1948. And for over a year,
Berlin was completely cut off from the rest of the world. And so they
dropped food, millions of tons of food – the Americans, the British and
so on dropped it – and there was an American pilot who had two sticks of
gum and he gave it to some kids and said, "If you share it amongst each
other, I'll come back tomorrow and I'll give you more candy."
And so when he flew over
the next time he wiggled his wings over them and dropped some chocolate
and he'd do this each day… more and more children came and it took on,
it became a huge propaganda coup for over a year. And, er, it was called
Operation Little Vittles and children in America provided their own
candy and of course the candy corporations caught on… and huge tonnage of sweets…
Viewscreens: Picture of a boy holding a dropped package.
Rob
It sounds… it sounds lovely but you imagine a Terry's Chocolate Orange heading down at you at great speed…
Stephen
Ah but you see, what that boy is holding up there is a little hankie-styled parachute…
Rob
That's no match for the Terry's Chocolate Orange.
Sean
Of course, the Chocolate Orange could have landed like the bouncing bomb [he describes the motion by skipping his hand across the counter] like they did in the war.
Stephen
Oh! Now, now, now!
Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "DON'T MENTION THE WAR".
Rob
If a Chocolate Orange were to land like a bouncing bomb that would be a good thing, because if you hit it, it would go [indicates with his hands the confection's rapid deceleration and magical opening out] boom… chaaa…
Stephen
That would be lovely, wouldn't it?
Rob
It would just open up nicely.
Stephen
That would be gorgeous. 2,233,000 tons of supplies were dropped…
Rob
Not in the one go?
Stephen
No, over…
Rob
Because that would've buried them. [mimes a person struggling upward]
Stephen
Over a year, that's the airlift itself.
During the Berlin
Airlift, American pilot Gail Halvorsen used handkerchief parachutes to
drop sweets to the children of Berlin. He was known as Uncle Wiggly
Wings.
Anyway, what's bound to happen, eventually, when you get into an argument on the internet?
Sean
I imagine you'd go away at some point and have a word with yourself
and go "Why am I wasting my life with this? There's plenty of people I
can have an argument with outside."
Rob
It's one of the most dispiriting views of the world, isn't it, an
internet message board, when you see what some people will write and how
worked up they'll get about this… "Well you hrmming hmm, it just shows
that you're a hrmming hmm mm and all the other hmms have been rmking
with their own rmghrm for the last mm. Why don't you just mm mm
hrmhrmm?"
Sean
Sound like they got a problem with their keyboard there.
Rob
It wasn't angry.
Stephen
Well there's a thing called Godwin's Rule, do you know this? It's called Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies. It
basically says that "As an online discussion grows longer, the
probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler reaches one."
Viewscreens: Image of Hitler at a laptop.
Stephen
And it actually happened, the long… Eventually someone will say
"That's what Hitler did" or "That's what the Nazis did" or "That
argument…", do you know what I mean?
Alan
That's how it started.
Stephen
And there is a sort of unwritten rule that the moment that happens,
that thread is over. That ends it and that the person who uses that
pathetic analogy is deemed to have lost the argument.
Rob
Imagine if you're having an internet discussion about the founding of the Nazi party.
Stephen
Well that obviously would be an exception, wouldn't it?
Rob
It started off, "Right! That's it! It's over." "I'm just trying to get a nice discussion going."
Stephen
I think that would be allowed.
Jo
And who… Who's this Godwin, then?
Stephen
Well he'd the General Counsel for the Wikimedia Foundation, but it's a
very very apt and intelligent observation that any argument
deteriorates to that point you might as well end it. Because it's nearly
always inappropriate. People will say "Hitler liked that therefore it's
bad" or "Hitler didn't like that therefore it's good". You know,
Hitler, for example, was massively opposed to fox hunting, he thought it
was cruel and terrible, and so he banned it. So "therefore it must be
right because Hitler …" you know, that sort of mad argument.
Viewscreens: Monochrome picture of Adolf Hitler.
Rob
Oh my God, look at his socks!
Stephen
Hey! Woah!
Sean
Rounds off the argument.
Stephen
You see, he's brought in Hitler to say long socks are bad.
Rob
But I feel in the broader picture I've come off the worst out of this.
Stephen
Yeah. Reductio ad Hitlerum it's called.
Alan
Are you saying he looks like a knobhead?
Stephen
Well…
Rob
Yeah, so you're saying Hitler looks like a knobhead now…
Sean
He looks like he's turning round to somebody and saying, "Look, I'm
ready. Are you? You've been hours getting dressed, let's just go out."
Rob
Well listen, say what you like about him, great socks.
Stephen
Yeah. True. Yeah, fine, fine socks.
Yes, Godwin 's law
states that as an online discussion grows longer the probability of a
comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.
How would you use a Monopoly set to escape from a prison camp?
Sean
I could see how you would use a Buckeroo.
Stephen
Just fly over the fence.
Sean
I mean, you'd probably just keep ending up on the barbed wire like that. [Mimes leaning with both hands against the fence.] "Again! Try it with the bucket."
Alan
Were they, er, covering the hole with it? Like in Shawshank ?
Stephen
Well, no, there was a man whose nickname was "Clutty", "Clutty"
Hutton, who, in Britain, bought out lots of Monopoly boards and turned
them into escape kits that he then set up through MI9 with these pretend
charities that would…
Alan
So they'd use the "Get out of Jail Free" cards?
Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE".
Alan
That's a very good idea.
Stephen
It was.
Alan
They're cunning, the Secret Service.
Stephen
No what they did was, hidden in the Monopoly boards were incredibly useful things…
Alan
A file.
Rob
Like a small dog, tiny hat and a little ship.
Stephen
There would be real money interspersed with the Monopoly money, there
would be maps on silk because they'd obviously tried it on paper and it
was too bulky and rustly, but on silk – on parachute silk – you'd get an
enormous amount of detail and tiny…
Viewscreens: Converted military tunic buttons.
Stephen
… er, that's an example of his earlier work putting a compass in a
military tunic button. The Germans got wise to this, they'd unscrew
them, the buttons, and they'd see it. So then they reversed the thread
so when the Germans unscrewed it they'd in fact tighten the button. Then
they got wise to that so then he used razor blades which were
magnetised at one end so that when they were attached to something metal
they would spin round with the "G" of "Gilette" would point north,
which was very good. So they were well disguised.
Rob
They said "Now look, we've put the normal thread on… old Kraut, he's
unscrewing it. Then what we've done is we've put it the other way, so
when he's unscrewing it he's actually tightening it. Now we've gone a
step further, we've done one here – you can't get the top off."
Stephen
"Isn't there a flaw in that, sir?"
Rob
"No no no don't complicate it, don't complicate it Perkins. No-one's
going to see this bloody compass that's for sure. Give it a try, you
won't get it off."
Stephen
"Very good sir."
Rob
"In many ways it's become what I call a button."
Sean
If I was a German camp commandant I'd have made them all wear duffel coats.
Rob
If it was me, if I was in charge, I would have started shipping out giant Jengas.
Stephen
Would you?
Rob
Well then you just build them… you know the Jengas you get in pub gardens… a massive one, just hop over the fence.
Stephen
Brilliant. If only you'd been in charge then.
Alan
Or Snakes and Ladders. But with actual ladders.
Stephen
Yes!
Rob
And real snakes.
Alan
Yeah.
Rob
Scare the Germans.
Alan
Scare the Germans.
Rob
Good British snakes who didn't like the look of a German soldier and would go up to him and go "sssssssss".
Sean
What about if they gave them toy tanks, but really big ones. Then they
just drive straight out. And turn around and go "Take this, Jerry!" [pretends to fire shells from a tank] Bo-boom, bo-boom!
Rob
What if they were to send the prisoners of war very long socks and
concealed inside the socks are big files to file down the bars.
Stephen
Well they sent them blankets – when wettened, gave the outline of a
greatcoat – which they could cut out, so it's like a tailor's template,
to make a greatcoat with. And pens with hidden sacks of dye in to make
them different colours, and playing cards that, when you threw them in
water, they'd peel aside and have money in them. It's really clever
stuff, double-laminated…
Alan
Can't believe the Germans gave them their post after a while.
Stephen
Well, they didn't know… obviously they had to hide the fact they'd got
all that. Anyway, Monopoly boards were amongst the ordinary items which
were sent to help escaping prisoners.
But now it's time to navigate our way through the hostile territory of Generaal von Ignorance. So, fingers on buzzers if you please.
Er, who wrote Brideshead Revisited ?
Sean
[presses buzzer, which plays some Oom-pah music]
It was Evelyn Waugh.
Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words " EVELYN WAR" followed by the words "DON'T MENTION THE WAR".
Stephen
Sorry. That was, um… yes… of course he did, Evelyn Waugh wrote Brideshead, of course he did. I was just checking whether or not you'd remembered not to mention wars.
Sean
It's not pronounced like that is it? It's " Evelyn Waff".
Stephen
No, if only it were. But firstly, what breed of dog is this in fact?
Viewscreens: Picture of a German Shepherd.
Jo
[presses buzzer, which plays Richard Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries']
Stephen
Yeah?
Jo
A German Shepherd.
Stephen
Is the right answer. You avoided saying Alsatian. They used to be called Alsatians until…?
Jo
They became German Shepherds.
Stephen
Until 1977. Yeah, it was the First World War thing, this whole business of not liking anything with the word 'German' in it.
Rob
Is that why it was stopped? Really?
Stephen
Yeah. It was that reason that anything with the name German in it was
sort of taboo for a long time, so they were called Alsatian Wolfhounds.
Then the Wolfhound was dropped and they were called Alsatians.
Alan
We used to have one.
Stephen
Did you?
Alan
Yeah.
Stephen
Nice? Friendly?
Alan
Yeah, it's a lovely dog. It did kill next-door's dog, though.
Stephen
Ah. Whoops.
Alan
"Oops. Sorry"
Rob
And did… when it happened, did you say "Well he's never done that before!"
Jo [to Alan]
You had to go to court, didn't you? Over all that.
Alan
Yeah.
Jo
And then you had to go to prison, didn't you?
Alan
No.
Jo
And then I sent you some Monopoly and…
Alan
Yeah. Happy days.
Stephen
Yeah. Well the term "Alsatian" was coined in 1918 but the Schäferhund officially reverted to being a German Shepherd in 1977.
A trip to the Munich Oktoberfest might be nice, when would be the best time to go?
Viewscreens: Picture of a waitress carrying beer.
Sean
September.
Stephen
Yes. It's not October; it occasionally leaks into October, depending on the way the months are, sort of…
Alan
You'd definitely leak if you drank all that.
Stephen
You certainly would. It is possibly the world's largest regular festival or fair. Over six million people cram into it.
Sean
I didn't like it, actually. I spent one night there, two nights there, and everyone was so drunk it was just… it was idiotic. There was just these huge, long tents full of pissed-up Australians. [Aussie accent] "Yo, love!"
Alan
Went to the World Cup in '98 in France, and in Bordeaux they built –
similar in size to that – in the middle of the town square, they put
temporary bars up. And then Scotland played Norway and the Scots arrived
and they drank more beer in a weekend than they normally drink in
Bordeaux in a year.
Stephen
God!
Alan
And every single one of these bars served only lager, there were no food stalls at all and no toilets.
Stephen
Auwww!
Alan
It was unbelievable. But it was one of the best nights of my life. And then one of them went, to me, [Scottish accent] "Alan!" (shouted right across the bar) "Alan!... Alan… Alan …" [hits his forehead with his palm as if trying to remember] "... Partridge! Partridge!"
Stephen
Ha!
Alan
Then he start… then he started going "Aha! Aha!" for the rest of the… every time I saw him, for the rest of the night… "Aha!"
Stephen
Lordy.
Alan
It was very funny.
Stephen
Yeah it's a huge, huge event. I mean, they drink 6,940,600 litres of beer. Horrifying, isn't it?
Most of the Oktoberfest
takes place in September and knocks into a cock's hat the idea that
Germans don't know how to have a good time.
Now, a musical question. What's wrong with this?
Viewscreens: Still image of Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music".
Audio : Excerpt from the song "My Favourite Things" with the lyrics "Cream-coloured ponies and crisp apple strudels, doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles…"
Sean
Schnitzel with noodles.
Stephen
Yes, schnitzel with noodles. Schnitzel is almost never served with
noodles. It might be occasionally, now, simply because of the song but
it basically rhymes with strudels, let's be honest. That's… that's why…
Rob
Could you have it with a poodle, then?
Stephen
Yes…
Sean
You've ruined the film for a lot of people.
Stephen
I hope not.
Sean
The magic… I mustn't tell my kids that.
Stephen
No, please don't. It's a wonderful song… and who wrote the lyrics?
Sean
It was Rodgers and Hammerstein?
Stephen
The lyrics were therefore Oscar Hammerstein the second, yes, absolutely. Er, how did the film end?
Viewscreens: Picture of the cast in "The Sound of Music".
Stephen
There it is, they sing farewell.
Alan
Don't they get over the border and…
Stephen
And where do they get to?
Alan
Supposedly into Switzerland.
Stephen
Well actually, Bavaria, quite near Hitler 's private house.
Viewscreens: A map highlighting Salzburg.
Stephen
Hitler's sitting down to have supper and this family singing about
goat herds arrives… erm, it's all very… But there's the border, there's
Salzburg, there's Bavaria. In fact, what the family did do, you're
right, they walked the hundred kilometres all the way down to… you see
where Innsbruck is, down towards the Italian border. Er, that's the way
they did it. The Italian border was conveniently open, they very luckily
got there the day before the Italian border was closed. So it was very
fortunate. So it's a little artistic licence but it's worth it. Of
course, one of the great masterpieces of popular culture.
Good. What happens in Germany at 11:11 on the 11th of November every year?
Alan [German accent]
Everything carries on as normal.
Stephen
No, there is something special happens.
Sean
11th of September…
Stephen
11th of November.
Stephen
11:11 on the 11th of the 11th.
Alan
The phone rings and the British Prime Minister says, "Ha ha ha ha! We won!"
Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "DON'T MENTION THE WAR".
Stephen
Woah!
Alan
Which war, though, which war?
Stephen
Yeah well it is, of course, we celebrate - on the 11th of the11 th -
the Armistice of the First World War but they don't celebrate the
Armistice, although somewhat not surprisingly…
Alan
No? Ah well.
Stephen
They have a much older celebration that takes place there, oddly
enough. It's their carnival and it runs all the way, from the 11th of
November right through to Ash Wednesday. And it's a huge, as I say, it
goes on for… I mean, it starts quite slowly in November, then it's
December and it's Christmas, and then through January and it reaches
fever pitch at the time of Mardi Gras. And Carnivale … what does carnival mean? The word carnival, do you know?
Alan
Eating Valerie.
Stephen
Well carne is meat.. yeah… and there's an incorrect belief that it means "Goodbye to meat"… vale as in valediction, but it actually means carne le vare, to leave the meat, literally, to remove the meat from your diet.
Carnival season in Germany officially begins at 11:11 on the 11th day of the 11th month every year.
Good! Resistance had
proved futile and for us the game is over. All that remains is for the
scores to be meted out and, er, yes… In first place, our fluent German
speaker – ha! – the magnificent and ausgezeichnet, minus sechs, Jo Brand!
Aus platz zwei, mit minus sieben, Rob Brydon…
Rob [to Sean]
Ah! Is that good or bad? I dunno.
Sean
That's good.
Rob
Minus seven? Oh.
Stephen
Alle, aus platz drei, mit minus sechsunddreißig, Alan Davies!
Alan
Thank you.
Jo [to Alan]
Thirty six.
Stephen
Aus den leisten platz, Gott in Himmel… mitt minus…
Sean produces a rapid, repeating laugh while simultaneously pretending to fire a machine gun at everyone.
Stephen
Minus sechsundsiebzig, Sean Lock!
Sean
Thank you.
Stephen
That, Sean, as I'm sure you know, is minus seventy-six. Possibly a record. So it's auf wiedersehn und guten nacht van dieser QI ausgabe und von Rob, Sean, Jo, Alan und mir.
I leave you with a story about the Bloomsbury Group writer, Lytton Strachey,
who was – how shall I put it – a confirmed bachelor, an aesthete, and
also a conscientious objector and a pacifist. And he appeared before the
conscientious objection board and they were obviously going to quiz him
on whether or not he truly was it or was just a coward trying to get
out of serving. They said, "Mister Strachey, are you married?" "No." he
said. "Well," they said, "Do you have a sister?" "Yes I do have a
sister." And they said, "Well, suppose a German soldier came and tried
to rape her, what would you do?" He said, "Well in that case, I would
endeavour to place myself between them." Good night.
"They
had to watch in their underpants": The 2010 World Cup was no different,
with the Dutch Brewery's alternate (and successful) marketing gaining
enormous free publicity. The notion of 'ambush marketing' rose to
prominence, notably between Nike and Adidas, and brought a great deal of
disrepute to FIFA.
"For
the Bavaria beer company, that scam was a complete waste" – well, not
entirely. As the sentence attests, the move is still bringing publicity
to the brand four years on, long after the official brand has been
forgotten.
