Transcript by: Glenn Campbell
Edited by: Sarah Falk
TRANSCRIPT
Stephen
Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to "games" night at QI. Let's meet the players. And game for a laugh, it's Phill Jupitus . . . and at the top of his game, Sean Lock . . . a game girl, Liza Tarbuck . . . and thinking about going on the game, Alan Davies.
And tonight, the bells are all well-hung and fairly gamey. Phill goes:
Phill
[presses buzzer, which plays an impression of John Anderson announcing "Gladiators, ready!"]
Stephen
Sean goes:
Sean
[presses buzzer, which plays the sound of an American sports buzzer]
Stephen
Liza goes:
Liza
[presses buzzer, which plays the sound of a cheering crowd with commentator shouting "Goal!"]
Stephen
Alan goes:
Alan
[presses buzzer, which plays an impression of Bruce Forsyth saying "Good game, good game."]
Stephen
Aww, excellent. Well, let the games then begin. Picture this, Alan; it's a little complicated but I think we'll get there. Phill and yourself –
Alan
All right.
Stephen
– and Sean are in love, and why shouldn't you be, with Liza.
Alan
You've noticed.
Stephen
Yes. Now, you're going to have a truel, which is a three-way duel. Now, the problem is, Sean's a really good shot, he hits . . . 90% of the time, he hits the target.
Sean
[going cross-eyed] It's amazing looking at me eyes.
Stephen
Phill hits the target 60% of the time. You, unfortunately, are not a very good shot, and you . . . only 10% of the time.
Viewscreens: The contestants with overlaid representations of their marksmanship.
Alan
Right.
Stephen
You get first shot . . . You've only got one . . . You shoot one of them. They will then each have a shot afterwards. The question is, what would your best strategy be?
Alan
Shoot myself.
Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "SHOOT MYSELF".
Sean
Tell me this . . . What I was going to do is shoot Liza.
Stephen
Ah!
Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "SHOOT LIZA".
Alan
It's a terrible world out there, you know. I say, "There's something . . . Sean, can you look, there's something . . . Phill's got something on his back of his shirt," and then I shoot through Phill into Sean.
Sean
Yeah, like we're going to fall for that.
Phill
And, like a bullet is going to make its way through my body . . . It'll be like a quarter of an hour; Sean will be on the other side of me going, "Any minute now it'll come . . . "
Alan
All right, we'll do it the other way around, we'll do it the other way around.
Phill
Also, why . . . I appear to have been eating cocoa out of the jar by just rubbing my face in it. What's, erm . . .
Stephen
Yes, well, no expense has been spared . . .
Phill
I have done two series of QI without the beard and yet they still persist on the photo of me where I look like the fat Carlos the Jackal.
Alan
Surely the only . . . my best option is to try and shoot the one who's a better shot than the other one.
Stephen
You've got a 90% chance of not hitting them.
Alan
Yeah.
Stephen
Even if you went for Sean, even if you actually did kill him, then obviously Phill would then aim at you. So that's a bad option. Even worse if you shoot Phill because then you've got a 90% chance of being hit. But . . . Supposing you just miss? You deliberately miss?
Alan
What, then run away?
Stephen
No, you stay where you are. What's in their interests?
Alan
Oh, yeah, yeah, shoot the one that's better.
Stephen
If Phill . . . If Phill shot you . . . You're no threat to him, he could shoot you, but then he would have no bullet, you would have no bullet, and Sean would have a bullet . . .
Alan
That's brilliant. Get . . . Bring the guns out.
Stephen
Yeah, there you go. [hands panellists each a toy "bang!" gun] Pass it on . . . There you are, pass them on . . . pass them on . . .
Phill accidentally sets off his and Sean's guns. Sean belatedly holds his fired gun to Phill's head.
Phill
How do you load these?
Alan
Leave it! Just leave it, it's not worth it!
Stephen
There you are . . . Have you got yours?
Phill
Presumably my gun going off early is one reason that
Liza
's probably quite liking this. Lose the duel.
Stephen
What we're dealing with here, while you're refolding your ammunition, er, is something called "game theory". [to Alan and Liza] Does that ring a bell with you at all? [to Phill and Sean] Game theory, have you heard of that at all?
Alan
No, we didn't do that one . . .
Phill
Game theory?
Sean
No.
Phill
No.
Stephen
It was invented by a couple of people, particularly Von Neumann and Morgenstern in America, but most famously, by a man called Nash. Does that mean anything to you? He won a Nobel Prize and then suffered terribly from the awful effects of being played by Russell Crowe in a film . . . ?
Liza
Gladiator.
Stephen
Not Gladiator.
Alan
Oh, the mathematician, A Beautiful Mind.
Stephen
Yes, A Beautiful Mind, that's right. He won a Nobel Prize for his work on game theory, which is this kind of thinking which has been applied to economics, to business . . . for example, a very good example is advertising. Now, if you have two companies, if they both advertise, they're both spending an enormous amount of money and, as it were, cancelling each other out. If neither of them advertised, they keep the money and the market would remain the same.
So, what it resulted in is the bizarre situation when they banned tobacco advertising, it was to the benefit of the tobacco firms because they were suddenly saved money that they were sort of wasting anyway.
Another example was an episode of Big Brother, do you remember? There were two finalists, they would get fifty thousand, was the prize money. All right? They were going to be asked separately . . . if they both say they'll share it, then they'll share it, they'll get 25K each. If one of them says, "I'll take the lot," right, and the other one says, "I'll share it," the one who says, "I'll take the lot" wins the lot. If they both say, "I'll take the lot," neither of them gets anything. So what do you do? You're in separate rooms and they say, "Make your decision now."
Alan
[as though in the Big Brother chair] "I came in with nothing, Stephen."
Stephen
If you say . . . yeah . . .
Alan
"I've had a lovely day, everyone's been so nice . . . "
Stephen
But your best strategy, I mean, the point is to say. "I'll share it."
Alan
Is it?
Stephen
Yeah.
Alan
[shakes his head]
Stephen
And they both did say, "I'll share it", and they both probably regretted it; they both went, "I should've said, 'I'll take the lot,' because he said, 'I'll share it,' so I shouldn't have done' .
Sean
Or they probably should have studied at school.
Stephen
Possibly.
Sean
Got on with their lives.
Stephen
The point is, in the truel, in the three-way duel,
Alan
's best plan is deliberately to miss in the hope that the two hot shots kill each other. It's an example of game theory in action.
Now which popular game traditionally ends with all the players being thrown into a lake of fiery sulphur?
Viewscreens: Molten lava and burning debris.
Sean
Well, I hope it's show jumping. I hate show jumping. Oh, God . . . I'd have one of those after every jump.
Alan
Before and after every jump.
Stephen
It's not show jumping, though it would certainly liven it up, I reckon.
Alan
It sounds, er, Biblical to me.
Stephen
Well . . .
Sean
I don't think it's the humans, though, is it . . . It's pieces . . . Wouldn't it be pieces?
Stephen
Well, I tell you that it's a game that went dramatically out of fashion in 1972. Early '72, it was more popular than Monopoly; by the end of '72 it had almost completely gone out of fashion because of a film.
Phill
Mousetrap. Mousetrap.
Stephen
No. There is no film about that . . .
Sean
Because of a film . . . Is it draughts? From that film, "Draughts."
Stephen
The film showed . . . .
Sean
[dramatic voice over] "The truth about draughts."
Stephen
No.
Sean
"Draughts makes you go bald. Don't play draughts."
Stephen
The film is not a game; there's a game in it. This game is played in it and it's scary.
Liza
Oh, is it a séance?
Stephen
Yeah . . .
Alan
Ouija board.
Stephen
It is a séance using a Ouija board.
Liza
Okay.
Stephen
And what film was there a Ouija board?
Liza
Oh, erm . . .
Alan
The Exorcist.
Stephen
The Exorcist is the right answer. One of the truly great films of the twentieth century.
Phill
Is a Ouija board really a game? I don't remember ever seeing Ouija board scenes in the film and at the end go, "Right! Who won?" "Vera! Not dead!"
Stephen
Well, the odd thing about Ouija it was a board. It still belongs to Parker Brothers . . .
Phill
Get out!
Stephen
Yeah, Ouija, it's a proprietary name, so it's trademarked . . .
Alan
Is it 'wee-yaa'?
Stephen
Interesting point, that is . . . Some people's theory the name of it is, yes, two words for yes, "oui" the French and "ja" the German, but no one's quite sure about where the name came from except that it was a game that was invented; the board was invented and it was sold and people played it. I mean, it's weird to say that. They enjoyed the fact that it nearly always works in as much as, you know, people spell out words and they don't know how they're doing it. It's clearly not dead people and in fact it was not originally supposed to be dead people you contacted, it was supposed to be you contacted yourselves, a part of yourselves that automatically wrote. Er, it was not about séances . . .
Alan
Dead people just joined in. "Of all games, this is good. This is the one for us."
Stephen
Even when recently asked, only a third of the people who still use Ouija boards say they do it to contact dead people. And in the First World War it was used to contact your troops abroad, I suppose.
Phill
So . . . So, hold on, are some dead people trying to communicate with the living through Monopoly?
Stephen
Yeah. There was a court case in the nineties, I'm sorry to say, in Britain, a murder case – quite an important one – and the jury had to be dismissed because in the hotel overnight they used a Ouija board to try and contact the murdered person . . . And apparently the murdered person said, "The guy in the dock is guilty; convict him." And the judge heard about it and dismissed the jury . . . quite rightly, you may say, but the awful thing was, if they'd done it in the jury room, the judge couldn't have dismissed them, 'cause the judge has no right in law to know what goes on in the jury room. The deliberations must be private.
Sean
Unless he's dead.
Stephen
Ah! That's . . . Oh, hang on, yeah, that's really complicated . . .
Liza
Was the guy guilty?
Stephen
Unfortunately, he was re-tried and found guilty which, sort of, is really irritating. So maybe the ghost of the murdered person did tell . . .
Alan
It works.
Sean
Where's the competitive element?
Alan
I suppose you just have a go. "Who you trying to contact? Right, it's your turn . . . "
Stephen
Yeah. Exactly.
Sean
Or you contact two dead people and then they box.
Alan
And then they tell you how it went.
Sean
Ghost boxing! "Ghost boxing! As nice boards do! Buy Ghost Boxing from Aunty Vera's Parlour!"
Alan
Some people in sheets – [mimes being a ghost, vaguely boxing].
Sean
Headless man, he's already down.
Alan
It's like that, trying to punch him – [mimes his hand being controlled remotely].
Stephen
Do you know there's an Elvis . . .
Sean
[mimes carrying his head under his arm] There you go . . . go on, hit me! Hit me!
Stephen
There's an Elvis séance website –
Alan
Of course there is. I bet there's more than one of those.
Stephen
– erm, yeah, where you contact Elvis . . .
Alan
Online?
Stephen
Yeah, but it cautions . . . It cautions: "If you wish to repeat this experiment, please be considerate. Many people may wish to contact Elvis and we're sure he's quite busy. Please treat this information . . . "
Alan
For an eternity.
Stephen
Yes. "Please treat this information the same as you would if he were alive and you had his email address, with respect."
It's a terrifying thought, isn't it, a sort of posthumous Twitter and things like that. That would be hell, I have to say.
Liza
You just thought of that?
Stephen
Yeah.
Liza
You're in it up to your neck.
Stephen
Oh, God. Horrifying. But the reference in the Bible to the fiery lake, or whatever, is from "Revelations" where it does say those who practice the magic arts will be cast into burning sulphur. So . . .
Phill
How about balloon animals?
Stephen
Ooh, the punishment for people who do balloon animals is not specified in "Revelations".
Phill
Squeak eek squeawk eik . . . Giraffe.
Sean
I think it's loneliness, the punishment for them. Long nights . . . sitting alone . . .
Stephen
So, yeah, in my youth, games which conjured up the spirits of the dead were a popular gift for children. It's a weird thought. If they didn't like it they could go to hell.
So during the Second World War, who were the "Scallywags"? Does that ring a bell? The Scallywags?
Viewscreens: Children dressed as soldiers.
Stephen
Not them, that's just a little suggestion box . . .
Alan
Little urchin types?
Phill
I'm fairly sure it wasn't the S.S.
Stephen
Well, that's the odd thing!
Phill
It's the S.S.?
Stephen
No.
Phill
You mean, they were the Scallywags Scallywags?
Stephen
All I'm saying is despite the –
Phill
The cheekiest men in the war!
Stephen
– cheeky name, we're talking about something really dark and violent. That's where I'm going . . .
Phill
Snipers?
Stephen
Well no. What was the cutest, cuddliest, sweetest part of the British forces, probably, if you think of . . .
Phill
Vera Lynn.
Stephen
Yes, or – ?
Liza
ENSA.
Stephen
– Dad's Army, or the Home Guard, right? But there were plans afoot, that if and probably when . . .
Viewscreens: Wartime image of a guard disguised as a mother.
Stephen
Right, that's a man dressed as a woman, doing a practice . . . If and when the Germans invaded, there will be a guerrilla section of people who were not mainstream military –
Alan
I almost wish they had invaded now that's out in the open.
Stephen
– there were . . . there were people in reserved occupations like . . .
Alan
"Heads up, Fritz."
Stephen
Yeah.
Sean
Thing about that picture, the baby's the best shot.
Stephen
It's a truel. The clergymen and doctors were secretly trained, given money and supply dumps and ammunition and explosives and a gallon of rum in each one, and their job would be: When the Germans came . . . Not only . . . Not only to shoot Germans but . . . There was a general view that Churchill would be killed or removed and someone like Lord Halifax would go in . . . and Michael Foot was one of these "Scallywags", as they were called. They were secret auxiliary part of Dad's Army, and he and George Orwell and J.B. Priestley and others . . . all were trained to assassinate anyone who collaborated with the Nazis. And there would be an underground resistance and Michael Foot said, "I would have killed Lord Halifax. I was quite prepared to and I . . . I would have killed him."
So they were pretty violent, it was not an easy, cosy thing. Quite . . . It's a good story, isn't it?
Liza
It's a clev– . . . It's a terribly clever thing though, isn't it, because if somebody did come over and collaborate, anybody who might have otherwise caused trouble or ructions of a different kind . . . would be automatically on the side of good.
Stephen
Yes, that's the way . . .
Liza
If you know what I mean.
Stephen
You're exactly right; a group of radicals and left-wingers had an uneasy alliance with the military –
Liza
Absolutely.
Stephen
– who trained them against the possibility of anybody who collaborated with the Nazis.
Liza
That is a double mind Jedi –
Stephen
It is?
Liza
– I think they're commonly known.
Sean
[pointing to viewscreen] What I'm interested in is how Michael Foot's changed his image.
Stephen
He has a little . . .
Phill
If he'd have worn that beautiful outfit on Armistice Day, there wouldn't have been all that fuss.
Liza
It's Spike Milligan.
Stephen
Well, yeah. Also they were trained on night duty, on stealth, but they only had two weeks' worth of rations with them because, essentially, the belief was that they wouldn't survive any longer than that. They were, basically, suicide squads; they were a terrorist suicide squad as we'd now call them, essentially; that's what they were trained in. It was a cellular structure, like terrorists; they didn't know who the others were, they only knew their own band and they were tasked to do specific . . .
Alan
Can we expect that such an organisation exists today?
Stephen
I wonder.
Alan
[suspiciously] Mmm.
Stephen
I wouldn't . . .
Liza
Yes.
Stephen
I'm not allowed to tell you.
Alan
Have you . . . Who've you been trained to kill?
Stephen
Their unofficial motto was "Terror by Night". Even in the ordinary, if you can call it that, Home Guard there were some pretty tough things being taught. Boy Scouts aged 12 to 14 were given demonstrations at Osterley Park, where the training camp was for the Home Guard, how to decapitate motorcyclists by stretching wire across the road. That's 12 to 14 years old.
Alan
That's the kind of scouting I wanted to do . . . Not following twigs around Epping Forest!
Stephen
Harry Lee, who was the British roller skating champion, demonstrated how to use roller skates to knee someone in the groin.
Alan
You're going to slip over, though, how are you going to get the other foot anchored?
Stephen
Yeah, I think he may not have thought it through, you may be right.
Anyway, there you are. During the Second World War, guerrilla fighters from Dad's Army were trained as underground Scalliwags. They must've been pretty tough customers but who . . . who, team . . . Who were the toughest of all vegetarians? In history?
Sean
That's a sort of a bit of a, what's it called, an oxymoron. Isn't it?
Stephen
You'd think, well . . . Is it?
Alan
There are whole swathes of Asia where there are a lot of vegetarians . . .
Stephen
There are.
Alan
I'm sure their armies would be quite fearsome.
Phill
Some sort of Shaolin monk? Ninjas, kung fu – [singing] – wi-Orient hairy Oriental . . .
Stephen
Well, yeah, I mean, you may be right, but who were the tough . . . well, not the toughest . . .
Alan
Bulls.
Stephen
Bull? Yes well of course that's true, the strongest animals on earth are all vegetarian . . .
Alan
They're tough as anything and they're not carnivores.
Stephen
No, I'm thinking of in history.
Sean
Hitler was quite tough, I suppose.
Stephen
Ah, yes, but Hitler was not a vegetarian.
Sean
Wasn't he?
Stephen
No, oddly enough. For some reason people want to think of him as a vegetarian. I mean, it's certainly true that he didn't smoke or drink much; he occasionally had glasses of wine, but . . . I'm not saying he was wonderful, but that . . . By saying he's vegetarian I'm not saying he's ghastly either. Think of a film in the last fifteen years . . .
Phill
Cowboys? No . . .
Stephen
Cowboys? It was a very successful film, Australian actor starred as . . . ?
Alan
Gladiators.
Stephen
Gladiators is the answer, yeah.
Alan
They were vegetarians, were they?
Stephen
They were. They were not only . . . They were vegans in fact, or "vay-gans", however you like to say it. Relatively recent discoveries in Ephesus, where there is a mass grave of, er, gladiators, showed that they gave all indications that they didn't eat meat and in fact they were known as "barley men", Hordearii, meaning "eaters of barley". It was thought that they basically ate barley and beans and a bit of dry ash, which is supposed to be good for the muscles, but it was important that they were quite fat. And they're always shown as stocky in art.
Liza
How can they find out that they're vegetarian from an archaeological dig?
Stephen
Well, a number of things. Teeth . . .
Sean
Shopping lists. You know, their Waitrose.
Alan
Carved with flint on slate. Beans.
Sean
Just loads of toilet paper.
Liza
Tell me what . . . Beyond teeth, how would they know?
Stephen
Well, actually, chemicals in the bone and so on, levels of zinc and things like that that indicate very strongly . . . Low levels of zinc indicates they didn't eat meat.
Sean
See, I have a problem with all this prehistoric science; it's the fact that . . . what they do, they get the bones and they go – [mimes drilling] – "bzzzz bzzzzz" . . . I assume that's what . . . something like that . . . and they've got to find something. Hadn't they? They go, "Oh, these chemicals suggest they only ate vegetables." They can't go, "Hasn't been of any use to use whatsoever."
Stephen
Well, funnily enough . . .
Sean
"I just wasted the last three bloody years of my life!"
Stephen
That is so precisely what scientists do do. Yes, they say constantly, all the time, "it's not indicative of anything", "we don't know", "we don't know". If there's any group of people who says "we don't know" a lot, it's scientists. Unlike religionists. And isn't it weird that scientists are the ones that are accused of being arrogant? It's so ridiculous. But "we don't know" is the default position on science. Until you absolutely know something . . .
Alan
"Actually, we just don't know."
Stephen
"We just don't know." Anyway, the fact is, it seems at the moment, that Roman gladiators were strict vegans.
Now, where might you see a boat like this, here?
Viewscreens: A white gondola.
Liza
Las Vegas.
Stephen
Oh, she's good . . . stopped you from saying . . .
Alan
That water is too clean . . . much too clean for the place that will set the bells off.
Liza
You know what . . . Because I . . . That's really mean of me . . . That whole wall isn't rotten and sinking.
Stephen
But there's another reason why that could not possibly be Venice. That's the gondola itself, what's wrong with it?
Liza
Just too bling.
Stephen
Well it is too bling, actually, yeah, but that's because . . . have you been to Venice? Have you noticed gondolas?
Sean
Yeah. Very expensive.
Stephen
They're very expensive, yes.
Sean
They're black.
Viewscreens: Venician gondolas.
Stephen
They're all black. It's an ordinance from 1633 onwards; they have to be black, a sumptuary law that says they will be black. They're allowed little bits of ornament and bling, as you can see, and they're allowed a little curly prow and a few other such things, but they must be black.
Since we're in Las Vegas, let's go to the casino. We've talked about them a bit but, erm, how can you win money from a casino?
Liza
Magnets.
Alan
Counting cards.
Phill
Prostitution.
Stephen
Card counting, that's right.
Phill
And they can spot that you're doing it. They have people that watch and know that you're doing it.
Stephen
They do.
Phill
And it was a chap who wrote a book, Ben . . . something, no . . .
Liza
Nevis.
Phill
No, I don't think he could do it. He's . . . He's a maths teacher at college and he gets some students . . .
Stephen
M.I.T. students, wasn't it?
Phill
Yeah, yeah, and they went as an experiment, kind of, and he's been banned from casinos.
Stephen
It's not against the law and you're not cheating; actually, what you're doing is playing the game extremely well. Now what happens is that they have this amazing face recognition technology that all the casinos in the world buy into. If you went into a casino in Phoenix, say, er, and did some card counting and they said, "Excuse me, sir, can you leave?", they can't really take your winnings away from you; they just make you leave . . . Unless they're criminals, they'll try and beat you up if they really dislike you . . . and you were to go to one in Macau – flew over the next day – they'd spot you as you came in; their computers would pick you up with face recognition and say "he's a card counter".
Alan
As if they haven't got enough advantages.
Stephen
I know, that's the thing; they're just there to make money.
Phill
And how do they spot that you're a card counter? Unless you sit there and go, [in loud Gumby voice] "A seven! Five! A jack! Bust!" [normal voice] And if you did do that, I'd imagine they'll go, "Excuse me sir, can you leave?" [Gumby voice] "I've got a picture one! I've got a picture one!"
Sean
That's maybe the way you disguise it.
Stephen
Yes. Though, of course, what they do is, they do it in teams and they have very clever ways . . .
Alan
You're doing that and the guy at the other end's counting the cards. It's the perfect . . . yeah . . .
Stephen
Well, you're right, that was the system that Ben Campbell, the guy who interviewed . . . [to Phill, who looks distracted] Ben Campbell . . . remember him?
Phill
[suddenly] Yes!
Stephen
That was his system, but oddly enough they tried to do it with roulette. How would you do it with roulette?
Phill
Count the spins.
Stephen
Mmm, yeah . . .
Sean
You stop it.
Phill
Count the ball.
Sean
Stop it, stop time . . . and then you only can move, everyone else is frozen in time and then you get the ball and put it exactly where you want. And then go – [clicks fingers] – everyone back in the room.
Stephen
Why not just help yourself to all the money in the place while you've stopped time?
Sean
Because . . . Because, when you . . . Eventually you'd have to start time and bring them back in and they'd know; they'd go, "Something's missing . . . " If you'd won, they'd go, "Wow! You've done it again!"
Phill
I know how you win . . .
Sean
And I'd feel my pants wrong . . . felt a bit strange.
Stephen
Oh, oh, no . . .
Sean
Well you would, wouldn't you? You'd take all the money and you'd fiddle with people.
Stephen
Oh! [bangs on the desk] Sean Lock!
Sean
You would!
Phill
What you've got to watch out for . . . You've just gotta watch . . . You don't play one of the tables where the croupier, once he spins it, goes like this with his hand – [mimes surreptitiously leaning over and placing a hand under the table] . . .
Stephen
Yes, that's it.
Phill
They just go, "Place your bets", and then he goes – [repeats mime].

Stephen
It seems that the only honest way to win money from a casino is by playing blackjack extremely well and counting, but if you do that they'll probably kick you out.
Now, I tell you all this but maybe I'm bluffing and how would you know if I was bluffing? While we're still with gambling games, how do you know when someone . . . ?
Alan
We know your tell.
Stephen
Ah, that's the word, isn't it? A "tell" is what they're called . . .
Sean
Yeah, it's this. [bounces about exuberant elation]
Alan
When you get the cards, you go, "Come on!" [jumps up, pumping his fist] "Come on!"
Liza
That, or just blinking a lot.
Stephen
Blinking a lot is said to be the one . . .
Sean
"Speed boats! Fast cars! It's all gonna be mine!"
Stephen
Yes. Now if you were quite good at poker you might then reverse that, mind you, and if you got a really bad hand, do that.
Alan
"Aww . . . go on, I'll go in anyway but what's the point . . . "
Stephen
Gamblers try and tell you that weak is strong and strong is weak; they basically try and bluff the other thing, as it were; they double-bluff and they may be triple-bluffing, who knows.
But now we enter the end game, gentlemen, lady . . . with your chance to take a wild gamble on a few hands of general ignorance. So, fingers on buzzers, what colour is this hound?
Viewscreens: A greyhound.
Liza
[presses buzzer, which shouts "Goal!"]
Stephen
Yeah?
Liza
Blue.
Stephen
Oh, you're good! How did you know that?
Liza
I'm mad for dogs.
Stephen
Oh, you like dogs, don't you?
Liza
I'm absolutely mad for dogs.
Stephen
What's the name of the breed?
Liza
It is a . . . miniature . . .
Stephen
It's a greyhound.
Liza
Is it really? Just a greyhound?
Stephen
It's a greyhound, but greyhounds are not grey. The word "grey" is actually from grig; it was a grighund and grig means "bitch" . . .
Liza
Oh, early English, yeah.
Stephen
Yeah, early English . . . "bitch". So it's a bitch hound, basically. And, as you say, they're called blue, that colour is called blue. There you are. What do we know about greyhound racing; is it flourishing at the moment or is it down in the doldrums?
Alan
Dying out.
Stephen
Greyhound Racing U.K. tell us that it's the second most popular spectator sport in the country after football, two point five billion wagered every year . . .
Sean
I think a lot of the greyhounds, though, they've gone off it; they're more interested in football.
Stephen
And how fast does the hare go around the little . . . ?
Alan
Forty miles an hour.
Stephen
Up to a hundred!
Alan
Really?
Stephen
Yeah. How about that.
Liza
Max speed's seventy, actually, with greyhounds, isn't it, between forty and seventy miles per hour.
Stephen
The dogs themselves?
Liza
Yeah.
Stephen
Who would win out of a race between a cheetah and a greyhound?
Liza
I would.
Stephen
Who would win?
Alan
Cheetah.
Liza
Cheetah.
Sean
Well, the cheetah would just have lunch, wouldn't worry about it. Brilliant!
Stephen
Well, someone did try, actually, a man called Kenneth Gandar-Dower. And the trouble is that the cheetah just wasn't interested. It just sat down; it wouldn't race.
Phill
Especially with his little monkey jockey.
Stephen
Anyway, greyhounds are not grey and even the ones that are, are in fact blue. Now what should you do with mussels that don't open when you cook them?
Liza
Ooh, leave well alone, really.
Alan
Yeah.
Stephen
What should you do with them?
Liza
Don't eat them.
Stephen
Well . . .
Alan
Yeah, that's good advice.
Stephen
No, it isn't.
Alan
[turns to Liza] No, it's terrible advice.
Liza
Clearly it's bad advice.
Stephen
At least you didn't say "throw them away", though, then you would have been forfeit. Er, no, it's odd, this is . . . a woman called Jane Grigson, and she wrote a very fine book on seafood, in which she said, "If they don't open then they're bad; throw them away." And . . . this was in the early seventies; by the nineties, 90% of all books said it. In fact, the Australian Seafood Commission say if anything, the reverse is true. That actually . . . one that doesn't open . . . it may be better for you, and certainly one that's open before you start cooking you should throw away because that'll be dead. So it's fine to eat closed mussels; in fact, they're probably fresher than the open ones.
What did gladiators say, incidentally, at the beginning of a tournament?
Alan
"We who are about to die, salute you."
Stephen
Oh! Oh, dear.
Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "WE WHO ARE ABOUT TO DIE SALUTE YOU".
Alan
Come on, that's what it's there for.
Stephen
Yeah, you're right.
Sean
"Not the face."
Stephen
"Not the face." Very good. No, they didn't say that . . .
Phill
"Are there any more lentils?"
Alan
"I'd like a bean salad."
Liza
"I want a steak."
Stephen
There was a thought that is was morituri te salutant mos or whatever it would be in the latin, and they said it to the Emperor Claudius, but they weren't actually gladiators; they were just prisoners who were going to be killed. No gladiator was ever recorded as saying it, that's the point, so there's no reason to believe it was ever said by a gladiator.
Sean
I bet they say . . . I bet they say something like, "Come on, let's just all try and have a laugh."
Stephen
Go on. Absolutely. And so, once again, we find ourselves at the end of the game and it's fascinating, actually. Our winner, a clear winner with five points, is Liza Tarbuck! In second place, with two points, Phill Jupitus! In third place, Sean with minus seven. [laughs] But yes . . . minus seventeen, Alan Davies!
Well! That's it. Thanks to Phill, Sean, Liza, Alan, and me, and we'll leave you with this self-evident truth from James Hetfield out of off of Metallica, who said, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games but you can't see any more." Good night.
Episode Notes- Mad for dogs. Liza Tarbuck's last appearance, in 4x03, was all about dogs.
