Transcript by: Petrina Walker
Notes: This transcript has not been edited for style or content, but I'm sure it's jolly good.

TRANSCRIPT

Stephen
Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. Welcome to QI. Tonight we're all fingers and fumbs, faces and feet, and other physical features beginning with F. And to help us, we have four familiar fizzogs. We have Jo Brand! Dara O'Briain! Phill Jupitus! And Alan Davies! So it's fingers at the ready; let's face the music and buzz. Phill goes:

Phill
[presses buzzer, which sings "Twenty tiny fingers, twenty tiny toes."]
[looks confused and looks at his hands]

Stephen
Dara goes:

Dara
[presses buzzer, which sings "The foot bone's connected to the leg bone."]

Stephen
[???]. Jo goes:

Jo
[presses buzzer, which sings "It's-a not so bad, it's-a nice-a place. Ah, shaddap-a you face!"]

Stephen
Face. Oh! And Alan goes:

Alan
[presses buzzer, which sings, "This little pig said 'wee-wee-wee!' all the way home."]

Stephen
Now, we have a special forfeit word. If you use a particular F-word at any stage of this evening --

Jo
Oh, fuck off!

Viewscreens: "Psycho"-like violins play while "F*#@" flashes in big, white letters.

Stephen
It was almost like a subtle double bluff, that it couldn't possibly be that word.

Jo
[laughs]

Stephen
But it was. So there's your forfeit, I'm afraid. Now, Alan, do you enjoy fargling?

Alan
Am I fargling now?

Stephen
No, I hope you're about to, though. Fargling. F-A-R-G --

Alan
Is it ...

Stephen
-- L-I-N-G.

Alan
Is it a foreign word for saying amusing things?

Stephen
It's an American word that's sometimes used for a game that involves your hands and fingers.

Phill
Oh, GIBBERISH, Rock Paper Scissors!

Stephen
Yes! Paper Scissors Stone or Rock Paper Scissors. We're gonna play tonight, because any time any one of you gets a forfeit, you have a chance to go double or quits with Paper Scissors Stone.

Viewscreens: show images of a rock, wrinkles sheet of paper, and a pair of scissors.

Phill
But Stephen, I can only get a forfeit if I say "Fuck."

Viewscreens: "Psycho"-like violins play while "F*#@" flashes in big, white letters.

Stephen
Paper Scissors Stone, then! And you'll double your forfeit if you lose, and you will halve it if you win.

Stephen
and

Phill
One, two, three! [both play Scissors]

Stephen
Oh! It's a draw. By the way, does anyone know incidentally, what is the best opening move of Paper Scissors Stone?

Viewscreens: show hands in the shapes of Rock, Paper, and Scissors.

Dara
If you say, "You go first." [looks thoughtful]

Stephen
Very good! Very good.

Jo
Is it having a real rock?

Stephen
That might work.

Alan
[mimes playing Rock violently and hitting someone over the head with it]

Dara
Can --

Alan
I'll bet people do Stone first. Is Stone the most common?

Stephen
Interestingly, people think Stone is the most common sometimes, so they -- I mean, supposedly --

Dara
They go Paper, so you go Scissors?

Stephen
According to the new [???], the best tactic is to play Scissors. Because many people know that Rock is a common opening, so they play Paper.

Phill
Another --

Stephen
And they think you'll do Rock. Though now everybody knows that; everyone will start with Scissors.

Jo
Always making sure you play it with a Saudi shoplifter. 'Cause they can only do Rock, couldn't they?

Alan
[pulls his hand into his sleeve and violently mimes playing Rock]

Phill
Yeah, yeah! Yes, exactly. Avoide playing it with Abu Hamza, because then you ...

Dara
Abu Hamza can't ... Abu Hamza can only do Question Mark.

Stephen
[laughing] He ... Phil Rock, Paper, Quizzical Expression!

Stephen
He can do Question Mark, Corkscrew, and Thing for Digging Stones out of Horses' Hooves.

Phill
He's not a Swiss Army cleric!

Stephen
Surely he is! Okay ... now, in India and Indonesia, they don't use Paper, Scissors, and Stone. They use animals. Do you know what animals they use?

Phill
Right, so they play Elephant --

Stephen
Yes!

Phill
Cow --

Stephen
No.

Phill
Elephant, Kestrel --

Alan
Mouse.

Dara
Kestrel?!

Phill
Yeah.

Dara
Does the Kestrel carry off the Elephant, or does the Elephant sit on the Kestrel?

Phill
No, no, no! Elephant covers Kestrel, Kestrel eats Ant.

Stephen
You've got two of them, amazingly!

Phill
Ant, Elephant ...

Alan
Ant?

Stephen
And ...

Phill
Dodo!

Stephen
Human.

Phill
Human?

Stephen
Human. Elephant beats Human.

Phill
Right, okay, so that is the mime for Elephant. [places his fingertips on the desk with the middle finger sticking out like an elephant's trunk] Okay?

Stephen
Right.

Phill
[places two fingertips on the desk like a pair of legs] There's Human.

Stephen
Yup.

Phill
[holds his hand to indicate something tiny between his thumb and forefinger tips] There's Ant!

Stephen
Yeah! But which beats which? Er ... Elephant beats Human, is one.

Dara
Human beats Ant. Please tell me Human beats Ant!

Stephen
Yes, Human does beat Ant, but Ant beats Elephant.

Dara
How does Ant beat Elephant?!

Phill
They're scary!

Stephen
In the same way that mice supposedly frighten elephants, ants frighten elephants. They go "Woo!"

Jo
No, they don't.

Stephen
Well ... they're said to.

Jo
All right. Suspend disbelief.

Stephen
Yeah. After all, Paper doesn't really beat Stone, does it? It does in the game --

Jo
That's an engineering question I'm not prepared to answer.

Stephen
Fair enough, fair enough. There you are; that's Fargling for you. Now, right. From fingers to facial features. We're going to try a scientific experiment now, so you all have a pencil in front of you, I hope. I'd like Phill and Dara to put the pencil between your teeth, actually, if you would.

Viewscreens: show a pile of pencils.

Phill
and

Dara
[put their pencils sideways between their teeth]

Stephen
That's it. Thank you.

Phill
Okay.

Stephen
Tight ... tight between your teeth.

Phill
Wouldn't you rather we had a ball gag, Stephen?

Stephen
[laughs]

Phill
[takes the pencil out of his mouth] It all started innocently enough with pencils; they woke up in Dortmund four days later: [puts the pencil back in his teeth, puts his hand behind his back, and moans helplessly around the pencil]

Stephen
[to Jo and Alan] And could you put your pencils in, holding them only with your lips? Not your teeth.

Alan
[puts his pencil in his mouth sideways and holding it with his lips]

Jo
This reminds me of my husband. [delicately puts her pencil in her mouth]

Stephen
Oh, please! [???]

Jo
[takes the pencil out] No, he's got a pencil like that! [gives the audience a significant look and puts the pencil back in her mouth]

Stephen
Oh, has he? Well, now. You may not remove them until I say so. That's quite important. And my question is this. On the face of it, which is funnier: quack or moo?

Viewscreens: show a duck on the left with the word "QUACK" above it and a cow on the right with the word "MOO" above it.

Alan
[presses buzzer which sings "Wee wee wee!"]

Stephen
Alan.

Alan
[around the pencil] Quack.

Stephen
Quack. Quack.

Alan
Can I take it out now?

Stephen
No, you can't take it out until I say!

Alan
'Cause it's got a K in it.

Stephen
Yes ... is the right answer. You know this. You're professional comedians, most of you ...

Dara
Is this not like a bad move in a spoken word comedy show? I'm ... I'm choosing my words very carefully here.

Stephen
Yeah.

Dara
You've essentially disabled the four contestants, er ...

Phill
[loudly] Could somebody please call Social Services? [spreads his hands pleadingly]

Stephen
Any idea why a K is funny? It is related to the pencils in a strange sort of way.

Alan
Oh, erm, 'cause it's the, the, the shape of your face.

Stephen
Is the right answer! To say a "Ker," you have to smile.

Alan
Makes a smiley face.

Stephen
Absolutely.

Alan
And people think that you're gonna be funny.

Stephen
Yeah. They did an experiment with people putting pencils in their mouth in the way you have, [points towards Dara and Phill] which makes you smile, in which --

Dara
It's not making me fucking smile!

Viewscreens: "Psycho"-like violins play while "F*#@" flashes in big, white letters.

Stephen
You've done it again! All right, one, two, three. [holds his fist out]

Dara
and

Stephen
One, two, three! [both play Scissors]

Stephen
Oh! Erm --

Alan
Will someone do a Rock?!

Stephen
[laughing] It'll take you a --

Dara
"Do a Rock? Do a Rock?!" What's a Rock!

Phill
[???]

Dara
I can hardly do a, a ... Scissors! [???]

Alan
[around the pencil, deliberately] A Rock-a!

Stephen
Well, you can take your pencils out of your mouths now.

Dara
No, no, no!

Phill
No, I like it! I'll keep it in for the rest of the show! Let's put a pencil between your mouth; let's see how the rest of the series goes!

Stephen
Oh, very well.

Dara
[???] now, -Fry! [lets the pencil fall and stretches his mouth} Aaah!

Stephen
According to psychologists, words containing the letter K are the funniest because they force you to smile.

Phill
[tentatively takes the pencil out of his mouth]

Stephen
It's called facial feedback. What else can you tell us about a duck's quack? Do you know anything interesting about a duck's quack?

Viewscreens: show a still photo of a white duck with its mouth open.

Dara
It's, er, has no echo.

Stephen
Oh!

Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "IT DOESN'T ECHO".

Stephen
This commonly held misapprehension, unfortunately. Er, a man from Salford University actually put a duck in a reverberation chamber in order to find out if this is true. Because it is so prevalent a myth that they do have an echo.

Phill
[laughs]

Stephen
They do have ... a duck's echo.

Phill
I'm ... I'm gonna take one to Canterbury Cathedral. I'm just a big old duck and take it ... just poke it. [mimes holding a duck under his arm while he jabs it with his finger, an innocent expression on his face] Just try it out meself. [points accusingly at Stephen] Why ... why should we believe the things you say on this quiz, Stephen? [as Stephen] "A man took one to a chamber and tested it." No! Let's test it ourselves.

Stephen
I approve of your empirical zeal. Now, back to faces. What's the ideal way to kiss a Frenchman?

Viewscreens: show three identical images of Rodin's sculpture "The Kiss."

Alan
A French man? [chuckles] I don't know. With their ... consent?

Stephen
Very well put! Excellent. What a nice young man! I really mean just as a greeting, in the way that French and European people do.

Dara
Oh, yes! It's --

Stephen
How many?

Dara
Two in Paris, three in rural France, and if you go to very rural France, it's ... it can be kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss. Four times.

Stephen
Mmm, very good, I will give you your points there. I have it as two in central and southern France and four in the northern country part, Brittany and Normandy.

Viewscreens: show a map of France with different areas colored by the number of kisses.

Dara
Well, I clearly found an intermediate place where they like three, yeah.

Stephen
There may be a three. Three, certainly. Three is true in Belgium and Holland.

Dara
Yes, you're absolutely right.

Stephen
They always do three there.

Phill
And now the Snogging Forecast for [???] in France. Brittany, one: some saliva. Paris, two: occasional tongue. Outlying areas, four: some pregnancy.

Stephen
Yeah. And five is Corsica, I suppose.

Dara
Five?!

Stephen
Surely they kiss each other five times in Corsica, do they?

Dara
They really have little to do in Corsica, do they? Er ...

Stephen
Can you tell me what sort of person kisses five times? 'Course-I-can! Erm ... Audience [groans]

Stephen
Erm, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

Alan
I think you might have to go now.

Stephen
Yeah! [laughs]

Dara
But at least they know what it is. I mean, I don't know what it is here. What ...

Alan
If you're unsure about whether to do one cheek or two, the best way to deal with it is to cup their genitals while you're doing it. They won't ... they won't mind how many kisses. They won't even be thinking about it.

Stephen
[laughing] Cup their genitals?

Alan
Just cup them lightly. [makes a gentle scooping motion]

Stephen
Yeah. [???], and I'm not sure if he finishes with "carrier bag" or "carry your bag" sir? In America, it's strictly one cheek. They are very baffled by Europeans doing any more than one.

Phill
or

Dara
: [???]

Stephen
You bump noses, you bump glasses, 'cause you go to the wrong side. You go to the right first or the left? And apparently in Spain, it has to be the right cheek first, however many times.

Phill
Really?

Stephen
Yes.

Phill
So what happens if you go for the left first?

Alan
There'll be a disgrace upon your family!

Viewscreens: change back to "The Kiss."

Stephen
[???] while

Alan
's talking In 1819, a German travel guide to London said, "The kiss of friendship between men is strictly avoided in Britain as inclining towards the sin regarded in England as more abominable than any other." Yeah. Queue barging, presumably. Erm, that or sodomy.

Alan
They're the top two, aren't they?

Stephen
Yeah, really! Sodomy and --

Dara
Particularly if there's a queue for sodomy. Er ...

Stephen
Don't cut in!

Dara
Yeah.

Stephen
Don't cut in on the buggery line!

Dara
Excuse me. Excuse me?! [???] you next. Thank you very much.

Phill
Man, I thought the Northern Line was bad, but a Buggery Line, wow.

Stephen
Oh, dear.

Phill
[looks uncomfortable] No seats! [groans] Oh, Jesus.

Stephen
Now to another set of people who like to kiss one another. What can you tell about a footballer from the size of his fingers?

Viewscreens: show an image of football players in a crowded stadium.

Jo
[presses buzzer, which sings, "Shuddup-a your face!"]

Stephen
Jo.

Jo
Is it his position on the WAG penetration index?

Stephen
My goodness me. Very good. Erm ... any thoughts?

Phill
[holding his hands up] Right, hang on. There's always something about the index being longer than the one on the other side of the ...

Stephen
Yes, you're right. It's the ratio between fingers two and four is known as the 2D and 4D.

Viewscreens: show an X-ray of a hand with the index and ring fingers labeled 2D and 4D.

Dara
It's actually kind of difficult to do the ratio between fingers two and four without being incredibly rude -- [extends his middle finger] -- to whoever happens to be in the room at the same time.

Stephen
Well, there's an academic, and isn't there always, who has devoted thirty-five years of his academic life to determining things about humans on the basis of the ratio of the length of their ... of their ... it has something to do with the ... what testosterone and estrogen do to your finger lengths. Seems to be important, and his name is Doctor John Manning of the University of Liverpool.

Phill
Did he take the duck into the echo chamber?

Stephen
He wa -- he wasn't the same man!

Alan
That sounds so much like a euphemism, I don't know -- is this the queue for taking the duck into the echo chamber? [laughs] Is it true that there's so much estrogen in the water supply now that men are being rendered impotent, and lots more people are turning gay?

Jo
No, that's just you.

Stephen
I want an explanation for the rapidly swelling size of my man bosoms, and that may well be it.

Alan
So many women are on the Pill, and they're urinating bits of estrogen into the water --

Stephen
[to Jo] Could you not do that, please?

Alan
-- down the drain.

Jo
No --

Phill
I quite like the idea of you going into Rigby and Peller. [as

Stephen
] "Hello." [points to his chest] "Conceal them."

Alan
Lift and separate.

Phill
"I'd like a bra-a-a!"

Jo
Actually, you know, you should do that, just for a laugh, 'cause they've got a woman with a very faint trace of an Austrian accent in Rigby and Peller who can tell the size of your bosoms just by looking at them, right?

Phill
Oh, wow!

Jo
And I went in, and she just said to me, "Go on then, take all your top bits off." I was like, erm, okay. [grimaces] And she went, "Oh, not as bad as I'd imagined."

Stephen
Oh! How rude!

Jo
Thanks for that backhanded compliment, madam!

Stephen
I hope she didn't --

Jo
Obviously balls in socks. Sorry.

Stephen
What would she make of my, erm ... What would she make of my fulsome pair of funbags, can you imagine? [pulls his coat open and prods his chest] They're pretty good, aren't they? [cups and bounces his bosoms with his hands]

Jo
No, I think they're --

Stephen
There's a fair amount going on.

Phill
Please, please,

Stephen
, I'm already pitching a semi, er ... Any more of this talk and I'll be knocking the desk over!

Stephen
Anyway. Apparently, according to Doctor John Manning of the University of Liverpool, the 2D-4D ratio, such as is on that photograph behind me, is predictive of infertility, autism, dyslexia, migraine, stammering, immune disfunction, myocardial infarction, and breast cancer, even, as well as perceived dominance and masculinity, but not attractiveness. And including things like possibly psychopathic tendencies and ... and ability at football. But continuing on our footie theme, what does a thorny devil do with his feet? Any of you know what a thorny devil might be?

Viewscreens: show a very thorny plant.

Alan
Is it a lizard --

Phill
Is, er, thorny ... thorny devil is a lizard?

Stephen
It is a lizard. Well done.

Phill
[holds his hand so three fingertips are touching the desk] Is it that one that goes on turned-up feet to stop the heat?

Stephen
It's not alone as a lizard in doing that. As a matter of fact, we may have footage of ... of a very attractive animal doing that very thing you're mentioning there.

Viewscreens: show two thorny devils rocking back and forth on the ground.

Jo
[sneezes] Oh, sorry.

Stephen
That was ...

Jo
Sorry, I kind of coughed and sneezed ... and wet myself all at the same time. [???]

Phill
I think the fiver is mine! [claps his hands together gleefully]

Jo
Can I just ask, 'cause I don't know this. Is there a facility for men to wet themselves when they cough? Does that ever happen to [???]?

Stephen
A facility?

Dara
Oh, you mean like, like a place you'd go? Er ...

Stephen
There's ... there's a felicity. It's a wonderful, warm feeling.

Jo
But do ... do men wet themselves when they cough?

Phill
No, sometimes ... sometimes ...

Jo
When they get old? Shit themselves?

Phill
Sometimes we do ... we do poo a little bit when we cough sometimes. But only sometimes.

Jo
I just wondered.

Alan
You ... sometimes you wet yourself if you dream about going to the toilet.

Phill
Yes. Yes. Yes.

Dara
Yeah, we've all had that, yeah.

Stephen
As you ...

Dara
I ... I ... I don't think ...

Alan
If you're dreaming about going to the toilet, you've gotta wake up really fast.

Dara
I don't think it's the dream that did it to me. I think you wanted to go to the toilet, and the dream just kind of worked itself around the fact that you ...

Stephen
[laughing] I agree! I think they're post facto dreams like that.

Dara
Yeah. I think your body decides to go, "No, I'm getting rid of this," and your dream kind of went, "Well, let's weave it into the narrative, shall we?"

Alan
It's definitely an early warning system.

Dara
You're briefing an Arthurian knight, but now, now you really, desperately need to go to the toilet!

Alan
I was once on a boat with Elvis Presley.

Dara
[stares for a moment] Oh, this was within a dream! Oh, thank heavens.

Alan
Yeah. And, er, I was joking with Elvis Presley, and I said, "Excuse me, I've got to go to the toilet," and I wet the bed.

Phill
[as Elvis]

Alan
! Wake up,

Alan
! Yer peein' all over yourself,

Alan
.

Stephen
[???] Didn't he wear nappies?

Phill
Elvis?!

Stephen
In his final unhappy days, I believe he wore diapers.

Phill
Eh, you wouldn't be that unhappy in a nappy, would you?

Stephen
I would, actually.

Phill
There's always the moment when he's onstage where you could actually tell, where he went, [singing as Elvis] "We'll have a blue ... Christmas ... without you!" [giggles]

Stephen
I don't ... [looks at

Phill
with an amused and disgusted look on his face] I ...

Phill
[as Elvis] "Since my baby left me ...

Stephen
Did you ...

Phill
[as Elvis] "Found a new place to dwell!"

Stephen
Erm, I don't know the answer. All I do know is, as you age, you tend to wear pale trousers less and less so that you don't reveal the Dot of Shame. Erm ...

Dara
I have one thing. One thing. Here's an interesting fact from, you know, I know some urologists, er, by ... marriage. Er, and er, there is ... when you go ... if you tinkle at night -- I'm not sure if this is a forefeit, I'm not said it more harshly than that. Er, there is a bit of the urethra which actually curves down before it goes back, so some of your little ... business ... will get caught there, and that's why you go to the toilet at night, and you go, "Oh, bugger!" and you turn around to go back in again. A couple -- a lot of people do that; they go back in again to have a little bit more. And it's because it's been expelled by the bladder but caught in a little U shape ... er, within you. So what you're supposed to do -- [reaches under the desk] -- is reach in and give yourself a little "Hoy!" [bounces in his seat] Er, the noise is optional, and, er ...

Alan
Where ... where are you hoy-ing?

Dara
[illustrating with his hands] You're hoying ... go ... go all the way down and around ...

Alan
To the perineum?

Dara
Er, down around the back like, er ... but not too far! Then you'd be hoy-ing the wrong thing.

Phill
And two days after that dinner party,

Dara
's mates are going, "You're not gonna believe what I told him!"

Stephen
Erm ... anyway, it's an Antipodean, rather beautiful --

Viewscreens: show two images of a thorny devil close-up.

Phill
Hello!

Stephen
Isn't it wonderful?

Phill
These do something unique?

Stephen
Well, yeah. They can take in water in any part of their body from their feet. If they stand in a puddle. But what's impressive is that the water doesn't just get absorbed through the skin and go into their system. It goes through grooves and capillaries; it's drawn up by capillary action all the way to the corners of their mouth and into the mouth. So they actually drink water from anywhere, and every part of their body has this system --

Alan
So they just put their hand in a pint?

Stephen
A thorny devil is an Australian lizard that can, er, drink through its feet and, indeed, any other part of its body! Now, how could I tell that

Alan
is a criminal just by looking at him?

Phill
[presses buzzer, which sings, "Twenty tiny fingers!"]

Viewscreens: show two images of Alan in striped prison garb, holding a sign with his name on it.

Stephen
Yes. A merry criminal. Yeah?

Phill
He's wearing your shirt.

Stephen
That would be one way. Let's imagine he's na -- oh, all right, not naked. Let's imagine it's nothing to do with clothing.

Phill
Right.

Jo
Is it the shifty little eyes --

Alan
[looks incredulously at Jo]

Jo
-- pointy nose, and in general a sort of little pug face? [glances at Alan, who looks wounded]

Stephen
Interesting!

Jo
[reaches over and takes Alan's hand in apology, laughing]

Stephen
A totally unfair reading, surely!

Alan
I've never seen you happier. Never been happier! It's the happiest I've ever seen you!

Jo
[happily raises her arms victoriously at the audience]

Phill
Bet that one's been building up for over twenty years! [as Jo] "I'm lettin' this one out on telly."

Alan
One day, I'm really gonna tell you what I think of you. When will the opportunity arise? Oh, go on!

Dara
Is this something ... the -- [motions to his head] -- phrenology?

Stephen
[reaching under his desk] Well, in fact, I have a phrenological bust.

Dara
Everyone has one of those.

Stephen
[sets a small bust on his desk] Everyone has one of these. This is a copy of the original.

Alan
In Melbourne Jail, they've got casts of Ned Kelly and all the murderers.

Stephen
Absolutely, because in the Nineteenth Century, not only phrenology but -- of the face? -- physiognomy, the art of reading character through the face, was taken terribly seriously.

Phill
Is it his ears?

Jo
Nose!

Stephen
Well, I'll --

Phill
Teeth!

Stephen
Well, I'll tell you. The father of physiognomy was, of course, one of Alan's best friends, Aristotle.

Viewscreens: show a nicer picture of Alan.

Stephen
According to what he said about the face and character, your curly hair signifies someone who is dull of apprehension, soon angry, and given to lying and mischief.

Phill
Cor, and you thought Jo was bad!

Stephen
Yeah. The distance between your eyebrows, as worked out by the QI Elves, is that you are hard hearted, envious, close and cunning, addicted to cruelty more than love. Oh! Dara.

Dara
Yes?

Viewscreens: show a picture of Dara.

Stephen
He who hath a large, full forehead and a little round withal, destitute of hair, or at least that has little on it, is bold, malicious, high spirited, full of color, apt to transgress beyond bounds, and yet of good wit and very apprehensive. There you are.

Dara
You threw me a little bone there at the end, didn't you? You are scumbag, scumbag, scumbag, scumbag, couple of gags, scumbag, scumbag!

Viewscreens: show an image of Phill from an earlier series of QI.

Stephen
Exactly, basically. Whereas Phill: he whose hair groweth thick on his temples and his brow is by nature simple, vain, luxurious, lustful, credulous, clownish in his speech and conversation, and double chin shows a peacable disposition, but --

Phill
[throws back his head and laughs derisively] Ha ha ha ha! Think on.

Stephen
Vain, credulous, a great supplanter, and secret in all your actions.

Phill
And not to mention peckish! [tucks his chin down to emphasize his double chin]

Stephen
There is that. Jo, one whose hair is of reddish complexion is for the most part, if not always --

Viewscreens: show an image of Jo.

Jo
That is hair dye.

Stephen
-- proud, deceitful, detracting, venereous, and full of envy.

Jo
Venereous?

Stephen
Yeah. As in venereal, sort of.

Jo
Disease?!

Stephen
To do with --

Alan
[with a so-there expression] Huh-huh!

Jo
[laughs derisively back]

Viewscreens: show an image of grass on a sand dune.

Stephen
Oh, God! Anyway, there we have one of [???]. Of course, phrenology is the [???] Lorenzo Fowler's head covers all these supposed emotional and various other cognitive things, and you're supposed to feel for bumps on people. Er, now largely -- indeed, if not wholly -- discredited. Duncan, of course; do you remember Duncan in MacBeth?

Phill
Tell me do.

Stephen
"There's no art to find the mind's construction in the face." So even then, Shakespeare knew it was nonsense.

Phill
If only Shakespeare had said something about the duck's echo, could've saved everybody a lot of time.

Dara
Would've saved -- would've saved one trip to the chamber.

Phill
Stop, Horatio! Take yon duck into the cathedral and there make it sound off.

Dara
She quacketh!

Phill
Dost the reply come back from Brother [???]?

Dara
She quacketh not.

Stephen
That, that, that would be "doth."

Phill
[in his Stephen voice] Oh!

Stephen
That would be "doth," not "dost." I do -- it is annoying when they get that wrong. Doth you or dost he ... no! Dost thou, it's not difficult! Art thou?

Phill
English lit you, English language see. Good fucking luck, my friend.

Viewscreens: "Psycho"-like violins play while "F*#@" flashes in big, white letters.

Stephen
and

Phill
One, two, three! [both play Scissors] Oh!

Alan
Do a stone!

Stephen
Oh! Oh, dear. Now, how would you describe the famous Thatcher Effect?

Viewscreens: show an image of a man on a thatched roof.

Phill
Yes, you get the country to bend over, and you give it one until its eyes water.

Jo
It was great, actually, when she became Lady Thatcher, because then she sounded like a device for removing pubic hair, didn't she? Couldn't take her seriously after that.

Stephen
It's true! Absolutely. The Brazilian Lady Thatcher.

Jo
[???] removing straggling pubic hairs with the Lady Thatcher, you know.

Viewscreens: show two almost-identical images of Margaret Thatcher upside down, but the eyes and mouth are different.

Stephen
We need a Margaret Thatcher --

Phill
It wouldn't be -- it wouldn't be --

Stephen
[points to viewscreens] Here is the Thatcher Effect. Do you now know what it is?

Phill
Oh!

Alan
Oh, I know that if it's [???] too frightening, so we have to put her that way.

Stephen
Well ...

Phill
[looking vaguely freaked out] The eyes look the same upside down as they do the right way up?

Stephen
Mmmm ...

Phill
No, they only look sympathetic!

Stephen
Ah, interesting point. No, what it is is our ability to read faces. Some people in the audience, some people at home may have noticed that on one of those pictures, two of major features are actually inverted in her upside down picture. So if we were to turn them around now, we'd see --

Alan
Oh yeah, the mouth. Yeah.

Viewscreens: flip clockwise over to show a normal picture of Thatcher and one with her eyes and mouth upside down.

Stephen
That what we're looking at was ... that!

Phill
[points at viewscreen] BURN THE WITCH!

Stephen
This was Peter Thompson of the University of York -- largest plastic bottom lake in Europe -- erm ...

Phill
[bursts out laughing]

Alan
Did you say that for a bet?

Stephen
I knew someone --

Alan
How can I get it in?

Stephen
-- who went to the University of York, and every time he said he was there, he couldn't help giving this fact. He didn't know that he told everybody this entirely banal, hopelessly uninteresting fact. And so he -- I can't help hearing the phrase "University of York" without going, "largest plastic bottom lake in Europe." So anyway, Peter Thompson of the University of York ... All Largest plastic bottom lake in Europe!

Stephen
Wouldn't it be awful if they discovered it had been supplanted by some other lake, plastic bottomed or not?

Dara
In what way would that possibly be awful?

Stephen
Well, it would just be so sad for York! What does did it have to boast now? University of York, third largest plastic bottom lake in Europe!

Phill
There's a bloke from the University of FUCK, I DON'T KNOW : [mimes holding a phone and assumes a German (I'M ASSUMING) accent] "Hello? I help you? Oh, gross lake with the big and plastic!"

Stephen
Right!

Phill
[still with the accent] "Ha ha, York! Ha ha!"

Stephen
So there we are. That's the Thatcher Effect.

Dara
We can only do it when we face the right side up.

Stephen
He discovered that when it's the right side up, we'd instantly see which items are upside down. But when it's then turned upside down itself --

Dara
I, I'm racking my brain trying to think of any application, short of ... you're in the middle of a soixante-neuf, and then you turn, and you go, "Well, how's -- Oh, God, you're hideous! Jesus! Er, you looked fine when we started, but this is ridiculous."

Stephen
Application's hard to say, but as you know, these things sometimes emerge.

Viewscreens: show two versions of Alan's face appears upside down; one clearly has the eyes and smile inverted.

Stephen
There, if, for example --

Phill
No, don't! Don't! Don't!

Stephen
There's

Alan
! Turn it upside down, please, now.

Viewscreens: rotate to show normal

Alan
on the right and a horrifying

Alan
on the left.

Phill
Aaaiiieeeee!!!

Stephen
Oh! You never would have guessed, would you? That's astounding, isn't it?

Dara
That's a face you don't want to see after a sixty-nine, isn't it?

Stephen
Yeah. [???] Erm, facial recognition is, indeed, a natural human instinct. We see faces everywhere, in cloud formations, and so on. Here are some little examples. Perhaps you can tell me what you think the faces are.

Viewscreens: Three images of faces appear. On the left is a hill on Mars with shadows that form a face. In the middle is a piece of toast with a vaguely female face on it. On the right is a face with an aura around it in a black and white image.

Dara
They're all -- they're always, by the way, Jesus or Mary, these things.

Stephen
Well, that's right, yeah.

Dara
The middle one is the Virgin Mary in a piece of toast.

Stephen
Actually, most people see Marlene Dietrich in that one.

Alan
Oh, yeah.

Stephen
If you look closely, I think it does look like Marlene. On the left?

Alan
The Moon.

Stephen
It's actually Mars. And people see, yes, the Madonna or something. And on the right ... [in a falsely sweet voice] Jee-zus!

Phill
You can only say "Jesus" like that when you say the baby. [rolls his eyes] "The Bay-bee Jee-zus."

Stephen
I know, it's usually the Ickle Baby Jesus.

Phill
Baby Jeebers.

Dara
Baby Jeebers.

Phill
Ah, Baby Jeebers.

Stephen
My saviour, actually.

Phill
You make Richard Dawkins look like a fucking Buddhist.

Stephen
Erm ...

Viewscreens: "Psycho"-like violins play while "F*#@" flashes in big, white letters.

Stephen
Ooo!

Phill
[grins and gives Alan a big thumbs up]

Alan
[nods and winks back at Phill]

Stephen
One, two, three! [Phill plays Scissors, Stephen plays Paper.]

Stephen
Oooohhh! [slaps the desk]

Phill
[spreads his arms] [in his Elvis voice] Thank you, Jesus! Thank you -- oh!

Stephen
Erm, but the Thatcher Effect makes it difficult for one to detect inverted features in an upside down face. Now, erm, here's an equally famous face, but what happened to her eyebrows?

Viewscreens: show the Mona Lisa.

Alan
They got repaired.

Dara
Got shaved off on her hen weekend.

Stephen
Oh!

Viewscreens: Klaxons, and "THEY WERE SHAVED OFF ON HER HEN NIGHT" appears.

Stephen
No. Actually, I'm going to give you the points there, young

Alan
, yeah. The fact is that when the painting was painted in the early part of the Sixteenth Century, Leonardo painted a full set of eyebrows and eyelashes, and indeed, Vasari, the great art critic and biographer of the Cinquecento artists ... he said that they were particularly fine, and he actually raved about the way the eyebrows were painted. But successive restorations had them worn off, and they're now visible in x-ray, so it's provable that they were there.

Phill
So, when I go to the Louvre --

Stephen
Yes.

Phill
To see the great work, I'm not getting my full money's worth, is that it?

Dara
It's behind glass, could you not, like, you know, paint on to the glass, like a Groucho Marx set of eyebrows? [leans to the right and then back] That you could, you know?

Stephen
It was done in terms of a moustache and beard by ... Marcel Duchamp did that famous, erm, little moustache and ... [gestures like there's a moustache and beard on his own face] And it had a weird nickname. You have to speak French for this, but it was called L.H.O.O.Q., which if you say it in French, means, "She's got a hot arse." Elle a chaud au cul.

Dara
Aaahh.

Jo
But I was --

Stephen
She's hot at the arse. Elle a chaud au cul. Ninety percent of all the people who go to the Louvre Museum in Paris go straight to see the Mona Lisa, spend three minutes or less looking at it, and then leave the museum.

Phill
There's so much better stuff, by the way, in the corridor leading up to it.

Jo
Yeah, it's very disappointing.

Stephen
[???]

Phill
There's amazing shit in there. Get me, I'm like Brian Sewell!

Stephen
The University of Amsterdam used emotion recognition software to analyze the famous, enigmatic smile.

Phill
Or looked at her!

Stephen
Yeah.

Phill
[laughs] Emotion recognition software! I dunno; my money's on bored, what'd you reckon?

Stephen
Yeah. It shows that the subject was eighty-three percent happy, nine percent disgusted, six percent fearful, and two percent angry. She was less than one percent neutral and not even a quarter of one percent surprised.

Phill
Sounds like a breakdown of the audience.

Stephen
Yes! Now. At exactly the same time that Leonardo was discharging his commission to make the beautiful Mona Lisa, Michelangelo Buonarroti was, er, putting the finishing touches to, perhaps, his most famous work -- the most famous iconic statue there ever was -- the David.

Viewscreens: show three pictures of the David, side by side.

Stephen
Three of him. And the David is a representation of?

Alan
David who slingshot Goliath.

Stephen
King David, who slew the champion of the Philistines, Goliath. Exactly. What use did he have for two hundred foreskins?

Jo
[presses buzzer, which sings, "Shaddap-a you face!"]

Stephen
Yes?

Jo
Who cares? It's a feminist's dream.

Alan
He didn't make his slingshot out of them, did he?

Stephen
Oh!

Forfeit: viewscreens flash "HE MADE A CATAPULT OUT OF THEM."

Jo
Hurrah!

Stephen
D'oh, no, he didn't.

Phill
Er, he deep fried them and invented hula hoops.

Dara
[???] calamari there, as well?

Stephen
There, there was a rabbi who saved up all the foreskins from all his, he was a moyel, you know, the bris. And he dried them, and he made a wallet out of them.

Phill
[jaw drops]

Stephen
Yeah, it was amazing; if you stroked it, it became a briefcase!

Phill
[beats on his desk like a drummer who accentuates the punch line of a joke]

Dara
[mimes the same thing as Phill]

Stephen
Oh, no! Shush!

Phill
[in a smarmy voice] You keep that up, kid, I'll have ya playin' the big rooms! [laughs]

Stephen
Anyway. This is, er, we're Biblical here. Who was David's great patron, and whom did he, actually, then succeed as king of Israel and king of Judea?

Jo
Saul?

Stephen
Saul. King Saul. Very good! Saul was, as kings did in the Bible, grew very jealous of David, although he was the one who brought him up from shepherd boy to great general --

Jo
Thought you were going to say shepherd's bush! Did he have a shepherd's bush?

Stephen
David Ben Jesse! [laughs]

Phill
[HE SEEMS TO BE DOING AN IMPRESSION, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO] I can't slay these four, what're ya thinking about? Viewsscreens show a drawing of Goliath in the foreground and David further back on the field of battle.

Stephen
So, Saul grew very jealous and basically wanted him slain in battle, so he said to him, "You can marry my daughter, but as a dowry, I want a hundred foreskins from the Gentile Philistines." And he went into battle. He got two hundred, would you believe? Then Saul gave him his daughter Michael in marriage. [scoffs and waves his hand doubtingly] Unfortunate end of the bargain, but there you are.

Dara
Once you've got the hundred, why did he then think, "I'm not sure, you know, get another hundred."

Alan
[???] A hundred and one. Come on, another one.

Stephen
Yes, you can't. They are very [???]. There you are. They're like chocolate Hobnobs. [???]. Anyway, let's put our best foot forward into the final furlong of General Ignorance. So be careful not to put your foot in it, but put your fingers on the mushroomoids. And where would you find the world's largest organ?

Viewscreens: show an image of the Earth.

Alan
[presses buzzer which sings "Wee wee wee!" and then stares at it]

Stephen
Yes?

Alan
[laughing] Er, in a cathedral. Somewhere like, erm, St. Peter's in Rome, maybe. Or somewhere, or Seville. Or some huge cathedral.

Stephen
That's a good answer.

Alan
[???]

Stephen
But not the correct one.

Alan
The blue whale!

Stephen
Oh ... [hides his face behind his hand]

Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash "A BLUE WHALE."

Jo
Hurrah!

Stephen
I'm sorry, no.

Alan
Six years in a row.

Stephen
We're thinking of a musical instrument. The world's --

Alan
It's never been the blue whale, ever!

Stephen
It's, it's the world's largest musical instrument.

Phill
Rick Wakeman's house.

Alan
It IS a musical instrument.

Stephen
Uh-huh.

Phill
Is it in a university?

Stephen
No, it's inside a natural phenomenon, and it's been turned into an organ.

Alan
Cave. Some sort of cave.

Stephen
In caves, and it's a man --

Alan
Whacking.

Stephen
A man with the ridiculous name of Leland W. Sprinkle, who -- [breaks off laughing]

Viewscreens: show tourists inside a cave with lots of stalactites and stalagmites.

Alan
American! He has to be American.

Stephen
American, yes. Has made the felted hammers that strike the stalactites in the cave, and they are tuned and very, very precise.

Viewscreens: show a photo of a contraption perpendicular to a stalactite.

Phill
Stephen, if you'd asked us where the world's biggest xylophone was, then I might have been able to help you.

Stephen
Ah ...

Phill
Strictly an organ. [slaps his notepad against the desk a few times]

Stephen
No, no, you are! I agree with you that anything percussive of one kind --

Phill
[imitating a bell] Bong!

Stephen
-- is a kind of xylophone, though it couldn't really technically be a xylophone, because xylos is the Greek for wood, and it's not wood, is it?

Phill
Oh, right.

Stephen
So, er, the largest organ in the world can be found deep in the Luray Caverns in Virginia. Now, what can you tell about a man from the size of his feet?

Viewscreens: show a kid with his feet in an adult sized pair of work boots.

Alan
The size of his shoes.

Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "THE SIZE OF HIS SHOES."

Stephen
Oddly enough, not! That's not just because we thought people would say that, they genuinely are true. Most people wear the wrong size shoes. I know it sounds bizarre, but apparently, because they aren't aware of how their feet change --

Alan
The size of his cock.

Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "THE SIZE OF HIS PENIS."

Stephen
I'm -- I'm sorry that isn't true, because I have size thirteen feet. But it isn't, apparently, true in all cases. Apparently, the size of your hands is in proportion to the size of your feet, though there are many other views. One is that your foot size is the same from the point of your elbow to [he taps his wrist] your arm. It's exactly that.

Alan
Then why do people think that you're cock's to do with your foot size?

Phill
It was a rumour started by clowns.

Alan
You know what they say: 'Big shoes, big penis.'

Phill
[makes a honking noise] As they come in the room. [honks again] 'Oh, baby.' [honks again several times] [???] [honks again several times]

Stephen
Oh, dear. What do we measure feet in, in Britain? Obviously, the one-two-three? What is that?

Dara
The measurement of the slidy thing?

Stephen
But what is the unit? What is the unit?

Dara
Er, the fraction of the slidy thing. Er ...

Stephen
Yes. It's called a barleycorn. A third of an inch.

Phill
Barleycorn?!

Stephen
A barleycorn.

Phill
I am --

Stephen
So if you're size twelve, you're a barleycorn bigger than a size eleven. Two barleycorns bigger than a size ten.

Jo
Why don't they ever tell you that down the shoe shop?

Stephen
I think they are probably not aware of the fact.

Phill
If I go into WHERE? tomorrow and go, "Good vendor of shoes, how many barleycorns am I this fine day?" and I point my foot at them, I'm gonna get short changed.

Dara
I have size thirteen feet as well, which is an absolute plague, 'cause most shoe production goes up to eleven, maybe, possibly twelve, and you go into shops. Every time I go in, I go, "Do you have anything in size thirteen," I get a speech where they go -- [he tsks] "You might find it difficult to find shoes in that size." D'you look at them and go, "Really? 'Cause this is the first day I've had size thirteen feet!"

Stephen
It was a birthday present!

Dara
"Yesterday, I had size nine, and then I played poker with the witch, er, and it went hideously wrong. Now I've got these things, but thank you! Thank you for setting me straight."

Phill
Do they not go, "Good sir, you're a barleycorn too far for this shop, I'll wager!"

Dara
"We'll not have enough barleycorns for you!"

Phill
[points off to his right] "Off to Big Ron's Freak Foot Outlet!"

Stephen
[hums ominously]

Phill
"Where the clowns buy their shoes!"

Dara
Listen for the -- [pinches his nose and makes a honking noise]

Phill
[makes more honking noises] "Come in, you are welcome here ... Tichy Feet!"

Stephen
Behave yourselves. Now, erm, good! Shoes. So, how many muscles are there, incidentally, in your fingers?

Viewscreens: show an image of a baby's hand in an adult's hand.

Phill
[presses buzzer, which sings "Twenty tiny fingers!"] One, if you play your cards right. [winks flirtatiously at Stephen]

Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash "1."

Stephen
[cringes and hides his face in the crook of his elbow before looking piteously at Phill]

Phill
[continues flirting, nodding and sticking his tongue out at Stephen]

Stephen
[starts to fidget and fumbles for his note cards] I'm, erm ...

Phill
[uses his finger to twitch the skin under his right eye]

Stephen
[holding a note card next to his face so he can't see Phill] I'll not look at you, dreadful boy! I'm not going to pay any attention to you now.

Phill
I'll put the pencil in! [puts the pencil between his teeth like he did earlier and puts his hands behind his back]

Stephen
[laughs] Oh, Lord bless you. Oh, stop it!

Phill
[moaning] Oh, Mr Fry! You're so dirty. [waggles his eyebrows]

Alan
None!

Stephen
None is the right answer, thank you. There are no muscles in your fingers, only tendons. The muscles are in the hand and in the forearm that control the fingers. In fact, a way of showing ... if you do a sort of spidery thing -- [he puts his fingertips on the desk] -- and pull in your middle finger like that, all right? [tucks his middle finger under his palm] Now, tap your thumb. Tap it.

Viewscreens: show a diagram of the muscles and tendons in a human arm and hand. Everyone taps their thumbs on the desk.

Stephen
Tap your little finger. Everyone taps their little fingers on the desk.

Stephen
Tap your index finger. Everyone taps their index fingers on the desk.

Stephen
Now, tap your ring finger.

Alan
and

Dara
[grunt] Everyone struggles to lift their ring finger.

Stephen
You can't move it at all.

Alan
I've -- I've hurt myself!

Stephen
The thing is it has no muscle. All it is is, but it has a shared tendon with the middle fingers, so it can't even move at all.

Alan
[points halfway up his forearm] It hurt there!

Stephen
Yeah. It's weird, isn't it? There you have a picture of the musculature of the hand and arm, and you can see there are no muscles there in the fingers. And lastly now! Which is easier, smiling or frowning?

Viewscreens: show a mime in a striped shirt, smiling on the left and frowning on the right.

Alan
Oh, smiling uses less muscles than frowning.

Stephen
Oh, dear no! In fact, it's exactly the opposite is true.

Alan
The other way around?

Stephen
It's the kind of thing people say in a banal manner to shopkeepers, "You know, it uses less muscles to smile than frown." In fact, it's not true.

Alan
I'm glad that's not true, because that's the most annoying thing that anyone's ever said.

Stephen
Exactly.

Alan
"It [???] nothing!"

Stephen
In fact, you use twelve muscles --

Alan
[looks exasperated]

Stephen
You use twelve muscles to smile and only eleven to frown, as it happens.

Alan
Like this! [scowls and smiles at the same time]

Stephen
[???]

Dara
But --

Alan
Really different.

Phill
Ah, you look like that photo of yourself earlier.

Alan
[still smiling and scowling] I'm using twenty-three muscles! [raises his hand with the middle finger extended] Still twenty-three!

Stephen
Hey! [laughs] Let's see now --

Dara
It is the most hideously irritating thing, going, "Oh, you know, the fewer --" It's like, "A friend is a stranger you haven't met yet." People who say that kind of --

Stephen
Tea towels?

Dara
Yeah, yeah. And we go, yeah. And I do want to go, "How many muscles, exactly, does it take?" And I say, "Fuck off!"

Viewscreens: "Psycho"-like violins play while "F*#@" flashes in big, white letters.

Stephen
Oh! Come on, then.

Dara
All right, because it's, er, just ... it's a crazy childhood dream of mine. I've always wanted to beat you at Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Stephen
One.

Dara
Okay, are we doing one?

Stephen
No.

Dara
Okay, that's right.

Stephen
and

Dara
One, two, three! [Dara plays Rock, which beats Stephen's Scissors] Alan and Phill [signal to each other across the desk at each other while Stephen suffers the agony of defeat]

Stephen
D'oh! [???] Oh ... well now --

Alan
I like it when you're standing, you might be thinking about something, you might be a bit pensive, you might be lost, and someone you don't know just comes and goes, "Cheer up."

Stephen
Oh, I know.

Jo
Yeah.

Alan
"Cheer up!" Oh, fuck off. [looks expectantly at the viewscreen]

Viewscreens: "Psycho"-like violins play while "F*#@" flashes in big, white letters.

Alan
[holds up his fist; he's ready to go]

Stephen
Oh!

Phill
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen, place your bets! What way will Davies go in the current trends --

Dara
[mimes holding a microphone] He's been talking Stone all night. He's been talking Stone all night. D'you think it's gonna be Stone? [gestures toward Phill]

Stephen
All right.

Phill
It'll be Stone!

Stephen
and

Phill
Ah-one! Ah-two! Ah-three!

Stephen
Ah-wow! [plays Scissors]

Alan
[plays Rock, holding his fist in the air]

Phill
YES!

Stephen
OH!

Alan
[continues to shake his fist victoriously in the air as the audience cheers]

Stephen
[???] Let's see ... let's see if these reversals and forfeits --

Alan
Cheer up!

Stephen
-- have any ... [breaks up laughing before letting out an exasperated sigh] So! Who will be smiling when the scores are revealed? Let's have a look at them. In first place, with minus twenty-four!

Viewscreens: show a golden sky at sunset.

Dara
Oh!

Stephen
It's Phill Jupitus!

Phill
[salutes the audience]

Stephen
In second place with minus twenty-six is Jo Brand! In third place with minus twenty-eight, Dara O'Briain! Which means the Scissors crushed by the Stone tonight with minus forty-two, Alan Davies! Anyway, it's thanks to Phill, Dara, Jo, and Alan, and I leave you with this face saving story: Abraham Lincoln was once accused of being two-faced. And he replied, "If I were two-faced, do you think I'd be wearing this one?" Thank you, and good night!