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Series 5, Episode 13

Transcript by: Sarah Falk

TRANSCRIPT

The episode opens onto a scene featuring Stephen dressed up as Santa Claus, with a boy-sized Alan sitting on his lap.


Stephen
Well, now, young lad, eh? What would a young shaver like you want for Christmas? Tell me first: have you been good?

Alan
Yes.

Stephen
You have?

Alan
Yes.

Stephen
Then what would you like?

Alan
QI compilation show, please.

Stephen
What's that you say?

Alan
A QI . . . compilation . . . show.

Stephen
Oh, a QI compilation show! Ho ho ho! You're not the first to ask for that, you know. Oh, yes, I think we can manage that. No question. [laughs manically]

Santa-Stephen starts to tickle Alan in the rear, while Alan jerks away and falls off Stephen's lap.

OPENING CREDITS

_______
Clip 1
: Episode 5x03
with Jimmy Carr, Phill Jupitus, and Johnny Vegas
_______

Each of the panellists has a plate of spaghetti on his desk.

Stephen
[laughs] Now, remember, what you have to do is show me the proper Italian way to eat spaghetti. You can use any of the things . . . 

Phill is shoveling a mound of spaghetti into his mouth with a fork. Alan grabs one strand and coils it into his mouth from above.

Stephen
Phill is doing very well.

Jimmy
Isn't it . . . Isn't it . . . [starts twirling his fork into his spaghetti].

Johnny
No, you chomp in.

Jimmy
Like that, isn't it? Against the side of the plate, and then . . . 

Stephen
Exactly. Twist it round. Don't . . . 

Johnny
[with head tilted back, starts to lower a massive forkfull of spaghetti into his mouth from above]

Stephen
Oh! Oh, Johnny Vegas.

Johnny
[succeeds in capturing the mass in his mouth, and chews contentedly, to audience applause]

Stephen
Oh!

Jimmy
Those are some mad skills, Johnny!

Phill
[also shovels a heap of spaghetti in his mouth]
[presses buzzer, which plays "TV DINNERS"]

Johnny [with a mouthful of food]
My jaw comes apart!

Phill [with spaghetti hanging out of his mouth]
Can I just . . . Can I just say, this is the best quiz I've ever been on!

Stephen
[laughs] And how are you eating yours, Alan?

Johnny
You want to see me with ostrich eggs!

Alan
By hand. [delicately places another single strand into his mouth]

Stephen
Do you know, the thing is, Alan gets 20 points, because that's how Neapolitans eat spaghetti! They lean back and drop it into their mouths by hand!

Jimmy
That's not fair! That's not fair: Alan thinks mashed potatoes are finger food.

Johnny
Yeah.

Phill
[presses buzzer, which plays "TV Dinners"]

Stephen
Yeah.

Phill
Parmesan, please. [eats another mouthful]

Stephen
I'll offer you parmesan.

Jimmy
Parmesan's a weird food, 'cause it tastes delicious; smells like the gym socks of, er, a child with some sort of glandular problem.

Phill [with a mouthful of food]
I find that it's actually the other way around! [forks more spaghetti into his mouth]

Johnny
You know, I never buy, you know, pre-packaged . . . from the, erm . . . [trails off to lift up a fork with a tail of spaghetti hanging off it].

Stephen
From the shop.

Johnny
From the places that sell foods.

Stephen
From the spaghetti seller?

Johnny
Yeah. I buy it off people in the street.

Stephen
Do you?

Johnny
They tell me it's original . . . oregiginano. [raises his arm above his head and starts to lover the spaghetti into his mouth]

Stephen
Lovely.

Johnny
And they dangle food over me, and they dance around, and they go, "Look, a bloke with a house, and we get to play games with his mind."

Stephen
What?

Johnny
[successfully gets all the spaghetti in]

Stephen
Brilliant. Another round of applause, I think.

_______

Clip 2: Episode 5x04
with Bill Bailey, Rich Hall, and Sean Lock
_______

Stephen
Now, cast your eyes over these little things.
[retrieves meddoes from under his desk and distributes them to the panellists]
See what you can tell me about them. I'd like to know how you think they could help you cross the Pacific Ocean.

Sean
Are they like a very early credit card?

Stephen
[laughs] No, they're not.

Bill
Is it a . . . rudimentary . . . 

Alan
Some sort of star map.

Stephen
You're on the right lines. It's not a star map, though, although knowledge of the stars would certainly be combined with this.

Bill
Is it a dream catcher?

Sean
Dream catcher. Yeah.

Stephen
It's not. You can use your scrotums. It would help.

Rich
Wet dream catcher!

Stephen
[claps once and extends an arm, delightedly, to Rich]

Sean
Euugh! Eurgh! [throws the meddoe in Rich's direction] That's disgusting!

Stephen
Polynesian and Micronesians in the south seas of the Pacific. They use them for navigating.

Bill
Right. You put it--

Alan
[holding up his meddoe as though it were a map, rotating it] On the horizon . . . The sun . . . the moon . . . [moves his hands in arcs in front of it].

Stephen
Actually, you want to turn it 90˚.

Alan
[rotates the meddoe a quarter turn along the vertical axis] Like . . . that?

Bill
Like that?

Stephen
About another axis!

Alan
[rotates the meddoe so that it is lying flat]

Stephen
Yeah.

Bill
Ah!

Stephen
And look down . . . Islands in the sea . . . The way the sea flows pasts them creates a pattern of waves, so that even if the islands are out of sight, and you know the wave patterns well enough, you can tell, by the way the water swirls, where each island is, and you can actually navigate. It's a map of waves, and you use your scrotum by getting out of the boat and feeling the swell of the water, and the scrotum is the most sensitive part.

Bill
So it's--

Stephen
It feels the way the water swells.

Bill
It's quite gender-specific, then, this thing!

Stephen
Yes! You might . . . You might say it's a new . . . gives a new meaning to "ball bearings"! Erm . . . 

Bill
Could women do it with their . . . with their breasts, though? Could they do it?

Stephen
I should imagine they probably could, but I suspect--

Alan
Well, I think it's very important that we find out!

Stephen
You're the man to do it, Davies! I'm going to send you out into--

Alan
Come on, ladies! Tell us where the waves are going! [laughs]

Bill
"Yes, I'm, er . . . "

Alan
It's certainly chilly in there, isn't it?

Stephen
Dear me!

Bill
Actually, I don't care where we're going, really.

Alan
We'll just stay here, shall we?

Bill
We'll just stay here for a few days. Take in the sights. What do you think, Kate? [holds up his fly-swapper-cum-Kate-Moss] "Okay!"

_______

Clip 3: Episode 5x05
with Phill Jupitus, David Mitchell, and Dara Ó Briain
_______

Stephen
Now, what's the biggest Banana Republic in Europe?

Phill
[holds up his Elephant cutout] There's an elephant in the room!

Stephen
How is an elephant connected to a Banana Republic in Europe?

Phill
Well, I dunno. Elephants like bananas . . . .It's the only thing I could come up with.

Stephen
I fear . . . 

Phill
Iceland!

Stephen
Iceland?

Phill
Iceland.

David
Ah, the "Elephant nation".

Phill
They go mad for 'em. I . . . Volcanos, covered in elephants, guzzling . . . Oh. No wonder that Björk's weird! Growing up around all them elephants, eating . . . 

Stephen
Phill. Phill. Phill Jupitus. This is . . . You've put me in a really weird position here. Because there are no elephants involved . . . but the largest banana-producing country in Europe . . . is Iceland!

Phill
[drops his Elephant cutout and pumps his fists] Come on!

Stephen
That's extraordinary! Absolutely remarkable.

Phill
Is it to do with the thermal--

Stephen
The geothermal heat, yeah, exactly. They can grow a lot of bananas. And they grow more bananas than anywhere else in Europe.

Phill
I withdraw my pachyderm.

Stephen
Yes! You gain a point. You've taken a few forward and one or two back.

Phill
Some . . . Some go, some back.

Stephen
Exactly, but it's an inspired guess, 'cause one wouldn't have thought Iceland was home of the banana, anyway. Which European country is the largest exporter of bananas?

Dara
It's . . . the Dutch.

Stephen
Noo . . . There's a country in Europe that buys the entire banana crop of Belize every year and sells it on to the rest of Europe.

Alan
Austria.

Dara
It's Ireland!

Stephen
Ireland!

Alan
Ireland?

Stephen
The biggest exporter of bananas in Europe! You buy the whole crop of . . . Not you, personally.

Dara
Of course not! I also don't remember this ever going to a vote, er . . . 

Stephen
It's a multi-national private company. I don't think every . . . You're not totally nationalised.

Dara
Yeah, Fyffes's a . . . Fyffes's a really famous banana company in Ireland--

Stephen
Yeah.

Dara
--and now that you mention it, I was always confused that we had a very famous banana company in Ireland, er . . . 

Stephen
'Cause the Dutch is, er, Geest, pronounced . . . er, spelled "Gee-st", isn't it, but that's . . . that's their big one, but Fife's even bigger, I think!

Dara
But wow! They should tell us this in school! We would be so proud!

Stephen
I'm very touched that you're so proud of your country.

Alan
My step-grandad worked at Stratford Fruit and Veg Market, and he used to do very long shifts, and sometimes, it was quite cold, and he'd stay there all night, and he would sleep in with the bananas, 'cause it was warm.

Stephen
Oh!

Alan
And he told me that story, and I thought, "This sounds like a hellish existence," and he . . . then he said to me, "The unions put a stop to that!"

David
[laughs] I like the expression "sleep in with the bananas"! It implies that the bananas are asleep as well.

Stephen
Gently--

David
Nothing nicer than being woken up by a friendly banana!

Stephen
Well, quite!

Phill
That's why there's--

Dara
Or in . . . in some sort of Belizan Godfather movie where they go: [mimes ripping back a sheet] "He's sleeping with the bananas tonight!"

_______
Clip 4: Episode 5x07
with Clive Anderson, Jo Brand, and Vic Reeves
_______

Viewscreens: Picture of a banknote.


Stephen
What's the biggest banknote the Bank of England prints? Do you know?

Vic
[pointing at the viewscreen behind] That one.

Stephen
No, the . . . I should say "the highest denomination"!

Clive
The highest denomination.

Alan
The . . . Isn't there a £100 note that no one's ever seen? Never used?

Stephen
Oh, but we can go a bit higher than that.

Jo
50,000.

Stephen
Oh, bigger than that.

Alan
A million.

Vic
Squillion!

Stephen
Bigger than a million.

Alan
Two million, three million, four million, five million, fifty million, a hundred million . . . 

Stephen
A hundred million is the right answer!

Clive
A hundred million!

Stephen
Yes. There are 40 one hundred million pound notes in the Bank of England.

Clive
Oh, what a fantastic . . . 

Alan
And they're all owned by Elton John.

Clive
Get into a taxi, and--[mimes handing over a note]. "I can't break this up!" "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I think you'll find it's legal tender!"

Stephen
Well, that's--

Clive
"No tip for you! And I've got some . . . and I've got a £50,000 note as a tip!"

Stephen
It's known--

Jo
I've got one of them, actually.

Stephen
Have you got one?

Jo
I did an extra shift in the Golden Egg in 1972.

Stephen
It's known as "the Titan". And they do have million pound notes as well, which are known as "the Giant". There are 4,000 of the million pound notes.

Clive
Yes.

Stephen
And, as I say, 40 of the hundred million--

Jo
Have you got any?

Stephen
I don't have any, no.

_______
Clip 5: Episode 5x01
with Bill Bailey, Jimmy Carr, and Rob Brydon
_______

Stephen
What would you get if you used an ejector seat to escape from this helicopter?

Viewscreens: Picture of a Kamov Ka-50, with two levels of rotating blades.


Jimmy
Oh. [presses buzzer, which saws]

Stephen
Yes.

Jimmy
A very short headache. "Ooh!" And then, gone.

Rob
Is that . . . Is that the human equivalent of one of those slicing machines you see advertised on shopping channels? [American showman accent] "Look what I'm doing! I'm doing four, I'm doing five, I'm doing six! I'm putting cucumber, I'm putting tomato in. I could slice and slice and slice! Take an old shoe! You could slice a shoe. It'll keep on slicing."

Bill
The ejector goes out, er, sideways. The . . . No, down. There's a trap door. [loudly] There's a trap door?! You go, "Whoo-aa!"

Jimmy
What could possibly be happening outside of the helicopter that you think, "I'll tell you what. I'm gonna press this button." I just don't know how bad it could be in there to . . . for you to go, "Oh, this is rubbish, this helicopter thing."

Rob
Take a chance.

Jimmy
"I wonder if I could fly." [hovers his finger over an imaginary button]

Stephen
How would you design a helicopter in which it was possible to use an ejector seat that took you up?

Bill
You would--

Alan [using his arm to demonstrate]
Tip it a bit? Or turn it? You'd have to . . . 

Stephen
You'd simply have to--

Alan
Turn it upside down?

Stephen
--get rid of the rotors. You'd simply have to blow them away--

Jimmy
Ah.

Stephen
--milliseconds before the ejector seat.

Bill
Ah!

Stephen
So they simply disappear.

Rob
Wow.

Stephen
They just--[makes the sound of a small explosive]--blow away.

Jimmy
That's what it says in the manual, Stephen.

Stephen
Yeah.

Jimmy
And obviously, they've had very few complaints.

Stephen
That one is called "the Black Shark", that particular make of helicopter. There are a few others where this is the case. They're not very popular. 7,000 airmens' lives have been saved by ejector seats. Not bad, is it? Martin-Baker is the company that makes them for the . . . in Britain. Not for helicopters.

Viewscreens: Picture of a man being fitted into an ejector seat.


Stephen
There they are.

Bill
Can't you get them for your, er . . . just for your house? For just, sort of, domestic use? You know. If you . . . There's nothing on the TV; it's just an old re-run of Hollyoaks or something like that; and you've eaten a Marks and Spencer's deal; not very nice . . . "You know what? This evening's very disappointing." [mimes blasting off in an ejector seat]

_______
Clip 6: Episode 5x03
with Jimmy Carr, Phill Jupitus, and Johnny Vegas
_______

Stephen
What is the world's most expensive meat?

Jimmy
[presses buzzer, which plays "Food, Glorious Food!"]

Phill
[presses buzzer, which plays "TV Dinners"]

Stephen
[turns to Jimmy]

Jimmy
Be, er, a unicorn steak. Or a mermaid fillet.

Stephen
Yes.

Jimmy
Or a griffin burger.

Stephen
Possibly.

Phill
[holds up his Elephant cutout] There's an elephant in the room!

Stephen
Ahh . . . 

Phill
Is it . . . mammoth?

Stephen
It's not what I have.

Phill
You mean, I have . . . 

Stephen
Wasted your elephant.

Phill
[looks down despondently]

Alan
You can use it again.

Phill
It's actually Alan's. My one's down here. [retrieves his own Elephant cutout and holds it up as well]

Stephen
Very good! No.

Phill
Ooh, ooh! Ooh ooh!

Stephen [bouncing]
Yeah?

Phill
Is it the . . . the special, beautifully-reared, er, Japanese beef? The special--

Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "JAPANESE BEEF".

Stephen
Oh! Not Kobe. No, no.

Phill
I actually said "Japanese beef", and then it appeared in big letters behind me. That's--

Stephen
Yeah. Predictable.

Alan
It's horrible when that happens.

Phill
That's--

Jimmy
I had this recently. I had it in New York. They're crazy for it. They're crazy for the expensive Kobe beef.

Phill
Kobe beef, yeah.

Stephen
Yeah.

Jimmy
So they've got, like, the--

Stephen
Kobe beef burgers, and--

Jimmy
Yeah, burgers for a hundred dollars or something ludicrous.

Johnny
What's the difference between Kobe beef and . . . ?

Stephen
They claim that the cattle are massaged and fed on beer. It's actually nonsense.

Johnny
[starts to laugh, leaning back in his seat and raising his arms in bliss]

Stephen
You want to be one, don't you? I know. You want to be a Kobe--

Johnny [gleefully waving his forearms]
No, I was one in a previous life! I've just come back, and this time, people can't eat me!

Stephen
They used to be fed on hops that had already been used in the brewing process.

Now, in 1932, Winston Churchill predicted that "fifty years hence, we shall escape the absurdity of growing a whole chicken just in order to eat the breast or wing," and would do it "by growing these parts separately under a suitable medium." And the kind of food I'm talking about is precisely what he predicted. In other words, it is a manufactured food, made from something called myoblasts, which are a kind of stem cell--

Johnny
Ahh.

Alan
Normally do them in the bath.

Stephen
Yeah. Do you see, these myoblasts are pre-programmed to grow muscle. So the cell is removed from a living animal, just a cell, and it multiplies in a . . . in a stew of, sort of, amino acids and minerals, but the point is, these cells are capable of multiplying so many times in the culture, that it's theoretically possible for a single cell to produce enough meat to feed the whole world. At the moment, however, a single kilo costs $10,000, whereas it's only £85 a kilo for Kobe beef.

Johnny
But . . . But I have to go home after this.

Stephen
Yes. You do.

Johnny
I have--

Stephen
Believe me!

Johnny
And . . . I have to convince me brother that crisp butties are wrong. You've just explained the way . . . the future of food.

Stephen
Yes. There's no place for crisp butties in the future.

Johnny
There isn't going to be Monster Munch on . . . on white bread for the next 20 years, that way.

Stephen
Monster Munch on white bread.

Johnny
Who's gonna remove . . . Nobody removes a stem cell from a Monster Munch. It's a purebred animal!

Stephen
Is it?

Johnny
It's like God has . . . God has gathered up the footsteps of . . . of
. . . of a dinosaur, and put 'em in a bag!

Stephen
That's a Monster Munch?

Johnny
That's a Monster Munch!

Stephen
I want one now!

Johnny
No, but I don't want one that's been meddled with and . . . and had needles put into it.

Stephen
No.

Johnny
I want a fresh bag! Preferably pickled onion. And . . . And some Hovis and thick butter.

Stephen
Right! Okay, it's a deal.

_______
Clip 7: Episode 5x10
with Charlie Higson, Phill Jupitus, and Sean Lock
_______

Stephen [to Charlie]
Do you know about Yan Tan Tethera? That'll get you some points back. It's a counting system, possibly Celtic in origin . . . 

Alan
What, the counting?

Phill
Is it . . . sheep counting?

Stephen
Yes. It's for counting sheep. It actually goes: Yan,Tan, Tethera--this is the Borrowdale version--Yan, Tyan, Tethera, Methera, Pimp, Sethera, Lethera, Hovera, Dovera, Dick, Yan-a-dick Tyan-a-dick, Tethera-dik, Methera-dick, Bumfit . . . suddenly appears, which is 15. And it goes all the way up to Giggot, which is 20.

Alan
So one in every 15 will--

Stephen
Will be a bumfit.

Alan
--be a bumfit.

Stephen
Absolutely.

Sean
I think you actually might have just summoned up the devil, Stephen.

Phill
Are the last three sheep Cuthbert, Dibble, and Grub?

_______
Clip 8: Episode 5x09
with Bill Bailey, Jo Brand, and Jeremy Clarkson
_______

Bill
Me and Alan did a play in Edinburgh, and we had to share the stage with some Korean dancers. And the stage was sprung for these dancers, so that they were able to do their leaps and everything. Which was fine for them, but we were just doing a play! Just a play, in . . . It was supposed to be in an apartment, that was on the land. On the land in an apartment, on dry land, and every time we . . . [starts bouncing in his chair]. We were walking about like this! And there was a . . . there was a--

Alan
They were all sitting around playing poker, and I had to walk behind them, and if I walked heavy enough, they'd go up and down. [bounces his hands up and down]

Bill
[bounces his whole body, with arms outstretched] There was a drinks cabinet in one corner. Every time everyone walked, the whole thing went--[stands up and shakes his hands as though they were vibrating bottles]--"Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!" And then we had to, sort of, walk about, like this. [walks in a small circle, very smoothly but rigidly] "Hi!" "Well, here's your sandwich." "Well, thank you!" [makes another small circle]

Stephen
That's why the critics said, "I finally understand why it's called the Odd Couple."

Bill
Yes, the Odd Couple.

Stephen
You made it odder. The great stages; I . . . The other thing, when they're raked down.

Bill
Yes.

Stephen
I . . . I went to a . . . a matinee performance of The Tempest, er, that the Royal Shakespeare Company were doing. There's a fabulous actor called Paul Brooke. I don't know if you know who I mean. Slightly boss-eyed. And it . . . 'Cause it was a . . . and I've since discovered this--I was a child at the time--but actors in matinees get very frisky, and . . . and just like to take the piss out of the play because they're bored stiff and have done it for three months or whatever. And, er, in The Tempest, all the sprites, you know . . . there's a sort of human pyramid. And Paul Brooke was playing one of these lords with a big fur coat, you know, that went all the way down, and he decided, for the matinee, to be naked underneath it. And at one point, he had to look upstage, so that the--obviously, the audience couldn't see--at this pyramid, and go, "Oh, it does amaze me!" and all this kind of thing, and he just opened his coat, like that. [nonchalantly opens his jacket] And the . . . the girl at the top of the pyramid urinated with laughter, and it went all the way down the pyramid, and all the way down the stage, and it dripped off the edge of the stage. It was fantastic. Just great. You couldn't have hoped for a better response.

_______
Clip 9: Episode 5x08
with Jimmy Carr, Phill Jupitus, and David Mitchell
_______

Alan
Like wheelie trainers.

Stephen
Oh, yes. Have you ever tried those? I mean, it's only children who wear them, but have you ever--

Phill
It's that weird thing. You see them walking along, and then suddenly, they point their feet up. [hinges his hands upward at the wrist] It's like the Children of the Damned with the weak ankles. They're just walking along normally, and then suddenly, their legs go rigid, and the feet do that, and they go: [glazes his eyes, hands still raised, and slides to the left]. The Gliding Children of Death.

Alan
They do it at length. They should hold the national championships at Bluewater to see how quick they could get around it.

Stephen
That's right! But don't you feel cheated that our generation . . . I mean, it's not as if it's a difficult invention.

Alan
We had skateboards.

Stephen
We had skateboards, yes, ish, but I mean--

Alan
Did you have a skateboard?

Stephen [sniffing]
No. But, erm . . . 

Jimmy
Did you try and buy one, and they went, [posh accent] "I don't think this is for you."

Stephen
No! It's not the kind of thing I liked.

Phill
They actually had a Bentley skateboard made of teak. With fine, original, Birmingham wheels.

Stephen
I had a space hopper! [nods affirmatively to complete silence] Well, I did! I liked it!

Phill
[mimes bouncing on a space hopper, calling with each bounce] "Baah! Baah! Baah! Baah! Baah! Baah! Nearly to Garboldisham! Baah! Baah! Mother! A bicycle next time!" You're, like, nine feet tall! Your knees must have been here! [squeezes the backs of his fingers to the side of his head] It must have been like . . . [bobs his head shallowly].

Stephen [pouting slightly]
When I was eight!

Jimmy
Turned out it was just a terrible haemorrhoid.

_______
Clip 10: Episode 5x04
with Bill Bailey, Rich Hall, and Sean Lock
_______

Bill
We've got a guined pig at home, and every time, it . . . It's just . . . It lives its life in a state of extreme terror. The whole time. [shakes violently] You go to pick it up, and as you pick it up, sort of . . . [cowers in terror]. "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me, please don't kill me! Please don't kill me!" And then you put it down, and it goes, [leans back in extreme relief] "Oh, thank God!" I just couldn't live like that.

Alan
Stop picking it up! It doesn't like it!

Sean
Bill wears his falconry gloves. Like that. [mimes putting on a glove and scooping up a guinea pig]

Bill
[imitates Sean's swooping gesture]

Sean
They're very fragile, aren't they? You can kill them with anything. You've gotta put a sticker on them.

Bill
Yes. Dressing up as an eagle: That's the wrong thing to do. [pretends to swoop down on a guinea pig while dressed as an eagle] "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me!"

Alan
Hang from the ceiling above it, flapping. Like that. [flaps his arms grandly]

Bill
Pick it up like this. [slams down on an imaginary guinea pig as though he were an eagle]

Alan
Then go like that. [mimes taking off with a huge guinea pig under one wing]

Bill
[picks up his flyswatter and strokes it tenderly]

Stephen
Aww.

Bill
[rattles his flyswatter] "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me!"

_______
Clip 11: Episode 5x03
with Jimmy Carr, Phill Jupitus, and Johnny Vegas
_______

Phill
If you milk men . . . 

Stephen
Hullo.

Phill
[pretends to milk himself]

Stephen
Oh, yes.

Phill
You're not gonna get MSG out.

Jimmy
That's not the way to do it, Phill.

Stephen
You might, because it's present in milk, and if a man lactates, which men do . . . 

Phill
Yeah?

Stephen
It's one of the reasons babies like milk, is because it's full of glutamate, in fact.

Johnny [tearfully]
This is why I don't wanna do shows like this! [puts his head on the desk in despair]

Stephen [cajolingly]
Why is that, Johnny?

Johnny
Well, 'cause now, I'm gonna lie awake at night, fearing that I'm lactating poison! I feel like I've already hurt people enough in my lifetime.

Stephen
It's not poison; it's good. We're trying to suggest that MSG is not as bad as it's been painted. You may not like the flavour, in which case, certainly, don't have any.

Johnny
Yeah, but I don't want meaty-tasting breasts!

Stephen
I fear nature made this--

Johnny
I don't want men running round to butcher shops and taking me shirt off and going--[pretends to chomp on a breast]. "Taste him! He's like sirloin."

Stephen
Well . . . [leans his head on his hands to compose himself].

Johnny
That would be a very bad daytrip to Walton Towers!

Stephen
It would, wouldn't it! There's nothing we can do for you. I'm afraid your breasts do taste slightly meaty if . . . if you're lactating. But let's face it, they'd be meaty anyway, because they're flesh . . . Johnny. Don't be scared of your own flesh.

Johnny
[nods in resignation]

_______
Clip 12: Episode 5x06
with Clive Anderson, Jeremy Clarkson, and Vic Reeves
_______

Jeremy
Polar bears aren't attracted to black.

Stephen
No. It would be a waste of time.

Jeremy
Because they're colour-blind. They're the ugliest animals I've ever seen.

Stephen and Alan [dolefully defensive]
Polar bears?

Stephen
Do you . . . Do you know the best way to escape a charging polar bear?

Jeremy
Shoot it in the face.

Alan
I know! I know!
[presses buzzer, which sings "Everything's Coming Up Roses"]

Stephen
Yes, go on.

Alan
You take your clothes off.

Stephen
Exactly. It stops to pick up your clothes and smell them, and you just get further away from them.

Jeremy
That is the biggest load of nonsense . . . 

Clive
And then you die of . . . 

Stephen
You would obviously be chilly, I suspect.

Alan
But you won't be eaten, so . . . 

Jeremy
You'd be very chilly, and it would eat you, and go, "That's good; that one didn't have a wrapper."

_______
Clip 13: Episode 5x12
with Bill Bailey, Jo Brand, and Sean Lock
_______

Viewscreens: Picture of a man looking through a keyhole.


Sean
Who's Frank Lampard looking at through that keyhole?

Bill
Is that how you view the Museum of Pornography?

Stephen
Not . . . No, to be honest.

Alan
It's a tiny, tiny museum . . . fit into a keyhole.

Stephen
[as David Frost] As we go through . . . the keyhole.

Round of applause from the audience.

Alan [pointing at Stephen]
He can't do many, but they're good!

Bill
They're very good.

Sean
Can you do Loyd as well?

Stephen
No, I wouldn't want to do Loyd. [as Loyd Grossman] "Whose house it uhs!" Erm . . . But it's, erm . . . 

Sean
What did he eat as a kid?

Stephen
[as Grossman] "David, it's oever to you!"

Sean
He's got such a strange voice. I think, as a kid, he got stuck in a helium balloon or something. His voice is just bizarre. What is his accent? Just to digress.

Bill
It's, erm--

Stephen
Massachusetts.

Bill
Oh, right.

Sean
Oh, it's American.

Stephen
Yes. [laughs] Yes! That is in America. He claims they all speak like that in Massachusetts. It's obviously nonsense; they don't. But he came over quite young to England, and to a very Fulham-y part of England, where people--[in his public school accent]--really, you know, talk like this, the English people. [as Grossman] So he kind of mixed it up with American, and got out with this strange Loyd Grossman way of talking.

Alan
He's got the weirdest voice in the world!

Stephen
[as Grossman] "It is. It's ve-ery odd." Erm . . . I don't know.

Bill
It is. It's the--

Alan
He got a bang on the head, and that's what happened.

Jo
Is he gay?

Stephen
No. No no.

Jo
Oh. I just thought it would be great if he got married to Brian Sewell.

Stephen [laughing]
What a ménage! Oh.

Sean
And then they . . . they had a thing with Brian Blessed!

Stephen
[does a rapid and unintelligible impression of Brian Blessed] But, erm . . . No! Stop it.

Jo
Can I just do a Brian Blessed story quickly? It won't get in . . . It's great, though. He climbed . . . tried to climb Everest a few years ago--

Stephen
Yeah.

Jo
--and he said at one point, they had to sleep overnight, kind of, at the edge of a glacier, so they were all in a tent that was, like, hanging off a washing line. And so, in order to go for a poo, erm, you have to actually get out of this tent and, kind of, go along the washing line a bit, and just sort of do it, into, sort of, outer space, and there was a howling gale. And one guy went, "Uh, I want a shit," at about 3:00 in the morning, so off he goes, out the tent; does it; gets back in; and they're all, kind of, in this tent, kind of, hanging off this washing line together. And after about ten minutes, when they'd all warmed up a bit, someone went--[sniffs]. Like that. "What's going on?" And what had happened was, he'd done a poo, it had flown 'round space a bit, and landed in the hood of his jacket!

Stephen
[laughs heartily]

Bill
[grimaces]

Alan
[mimes flipping the hood onto his head]

Jo
[nods, through laughter]

Stephen
Oh, dear me! Ooh! What a shithead. Anyway! What . . . No.

_______
Clip 14: Episode 5x01
with Bill Bailey, Jimmy Carr, and Rob Brydon
_______

Stephen
What's this for?

Viewscreens: Picture of a triglyph, circled in red.


Rob
[presses buzzer, which foghorns]
[smiling coyly] It's not four; it's three!

Stephen
Hey!

Rob
[raises his fist in triumph]

Stephen
Brilliant. [sends the train in his direction] There you go; you get a sweet. That's very good. I like that one.

Alan
Some sort of support for the building? It used to be . . . There used to be more of it?

Bill
It's the close up of the road from . . . It's the speed bumps on the way to China.

Stephen
No, it's an architectural feature you will see all over Europe. All over the world, actually.

Rob
Oh, is it above . . . That's a column, underneath it.

Stephen
There would be a column underneath it. It's in one of the architraval . . . The entablature.

Rob
And that goes along the top, and that gives you specific information pertaining to the relation between the column and the . . . 

Stephen
Not exactly. It's what's called a triglyph, erm . . . 

Rob [nodding]
That's right.

Stephen
And what is quite interesting about triglyphs is that they are a sort of vestige of what was left over from when Greeks used to build temples in wood--

Rob
Yeah.

Stephen
--and . . . and they would have three planks in a line--

Rob
Three planks. Yep.

Stephen [laughing]
--supporting--

Rob
Supporting.

Stephen [looking at Rob]
Supporting . . . ?

Rob
Go on, Steve! Go on!

Stephen
Supporting the roof.

Rob
The roof. Yeah.

Stephen
And so, when they then started working in marble--

Rob
Marble.

Stephen
--they just echoed . . . [breaks off, narrows an eye, and makes as though to land a punch on Rob]. And, er . . . So, there you are.

Rob
There you are.

Stephen
That's the last time you're allowed to do that. You understand.

Jimmy
I love it in the early . . . In, sort of, Hollywood movies, when they do something set in Ancient Rome or Ancient Greece--

Stephen
Yeah.

Jimmy
--when they . . . they, sort of, rebuild ruins.

Stephen
Yes! I know!

Jimmy
It's a wonderful sort of thing when they say, "Yeah, we're going to build a film. It's set in Ancient Rome . . . They lived in ruins." Well, not at the time!

Stephen
No!

Jimmy
That was years later they were ruined! You bloody fool.

Stephen
They say of the Acroc--Ap--Acropolis, where . . . where the Parthenon'n is . . . [makes gibberish noises as though to loosen his tongue]. They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is . . . 

Jimmy
Are those the magic words?

Stephen
They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is, that they . . . [breaks off, rooted to the spot, having confused himself].
[lowers his head to the desk] It's all been to my . . . 

Jimmy
It turns out, they didn't say anything at all!

Bill
They say of the Acropolis--

Stephen
They say of the Acropolis--

Jimmy [doubling Stephen]
--where the Parthenon is!

Stephen
[stops short and simply laughs at Jimmy]

Bill [breaking out into song]
They . . . say of the Acropolis--

Jimmy [looking at the audience]
Everyone . . . !

Bill
--where the Parthenon is!

Bill, Jimmy, and Rob [singing]
They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is! They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is! They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is!

The audience begins to cheerfully claps along, while Stephen is left speechless in laughter.

Bill, Jimmy, and Rob [singing]
They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is.

Bill [still in rhythm, banging his fists on the desk]
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Alan
Bloody hell, Stephen.

Stephen
[pauses and looks at Alan]

Alan
This better be good!

Stephen
[lapses back into uncontrolled laughter, and starts to weep]
[suddenly trying to recover] Right, moving on! So. The triglyph is a remnant of the stone, er . . . oh . . . [having lost the thread again, looks down in defeat].

Jimmy
Sorry . . . Stephen. I've just got a question. What do they say . . . about the Acropolis, where the Parthenon--[musically]--iiis?

Stephen
They say--

Bill
[hums a few notes of the impromptu tune]

Stephen
They say of the Acropolis--

Alan [jovially]
What do they say? What do they say?

Stephen
[buries his face in his hands]

Bill [bouncing]
He's gonna say! He's gonna say!

Rob
[bounces along with Bill]

Bill
He's gonna say! He's gonna say! He's gonna say! He's going to saaaay.

Stephen [through laughter]
I can't breathe! My tummy hurts!

Jimmy [singing, in a deep voice]
What do they saaaay?

Bill [in the same tone]
About the Acropoliiiiis?

Bill and Rob
Where the Parthenon iiiiiis?

Stephen [struggling]
Oh-h! Can I write it down? Read it! It says it there. [starts to hand one of his cards to Alan, but retains it] It's . . . 

Jimmy
You've gotta tell us now!

Stephen
It's . . . They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is--[laughing at audience reaction]--that there are . . . no . . . straight . . . lines!

Rob
Yay! [raises his arms delightedly]

Bill
[also lifts his arms in triumph]

Stephen
Oh! [takes a few gulping breaths while the audience applauds] Damn, that hurt.

Jimmy [suddenly subdued]
Yeah. [shrugs] Do they?

Stephen
Yeah.

Alan [with "W" sign]
Whatever!

_______

Back to the opening scene, with Stephen as Santa.

Stephen
Well, that's your lot for the year. From Alan and me and all our guests on the "E" series, good night. Happy Christmas. See you next year. [laughs manically]

Santa-Stephen starts to tickle Alan again, but Alan jumps off his lap as the ending credits start to roll.