Humour

 

 Procedure


The instructor in a basic-training course asked a sleepy private, "If you were on night sentry duty and saw a figure crawling toward camp, what procedure would you follow?"

"Well, sir," the private answered,
"I'd help the officer to his quarters."

 

Book Titles

House Construction
By: Bill Jerome Holme

How to Be Organized
By: Miss Place

How to Groom Your Yard
By: Ray Cleaves

I Didn't Do It!
By: Ivan Alibi

I Don't Get It
By: Anita Clew

I Love Crowds
By: Morris Merrier

I Need Insurance
By: Justin Case

I'll Do It Soon
By: Will B. Dunn

Mineralogy for Giants
By: Chris Tall

No Appreciation For Art
By: Drew Lousy

Old Furniture
By: Anne Teak

The Past to the Distant Future
By: I. C. All

Ripping Pants
By: Ben Dover

Snakes of the World
By: Anna Conda

Where the Stars Are
By: Horace Cope 


WHY AM I MARRIED?


You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.



At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."



When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.



A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
completely finished
.


A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."


Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence


If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.



Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


" A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

 

 

Heroic Rescue


Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.When he went to tell Mary the news he said,
"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save  the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied,
"He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." 


Mrs.  Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

Father Flaherty said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?

She replied, "Aye, that ye did Father!"

Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No not yet Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh Thank Ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. . .

The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs Donovan, How are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes Father!" "Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful!  How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow, out yer candle!"

 

 

The year's best actual headlines of 2005

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that! ]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
In Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

Submitted by William Smith 


Tech support


Tech support,
"What anti-virus program do you use?" 

Customer,
"Netscape."

Tech support,
"That's not an anti-virus program."

Customer,
"Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer."


Information

"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea.
E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."


Sex

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex. 

"1956," came his immediate reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed.  "Honey, you need to get out more."

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean," he answered, glancing at his watch.
"It's only 2014 now."


here is one, an old one but still good..

Fresh from the shower, the wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, she fetch a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. 'How long will this take?'she asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' the husband replies. She stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between

my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'


He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.


Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.  Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love....  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him..  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry....How soon can I go home?'


The HR Manager

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven",said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.

Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.

She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.

Now you must choose your eternity."

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time.

Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her, smiled and told .................

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee".