The Rapture Index

posted Jun 20, 2010, 1:24 AM by Professor Katz
Since you good people will be spirited into the clouds for seven years, there to enjoy the Rapture, you will probably want to know when that will occur.  This is important.  You don't want to renew your newspaper subscriptions on the eve of the Rapture, since you won't be here on Earth to read the papers.  The same goes for your cable connection. 
First of all, you'll need a Rapture Watch:
But even a Rapture Watch is not enough.  You should keep on top of the The Rapture Index.  It's like a kind of divine stock market, keeping you up to date on the Signs of the Time.  Oddly enough, one of those signs is indicated there by the following picture:

I suppose they're trying to say that if he is found innocent of all charges, it will be one of the 'signs of the time'.  Indeed....