EMinEL: 95 Theses -- the Rap Version

posted Apr 10, 2010, 12:27 PM by Professor Katz   [ updated Dec 27, 2010, 2:28 AM ]
Some of you may have had some trouble getting through the text of the Ninety-Five Theses.  If so, there's always the rap version, made by students at Yale University:
 

95 Theses -- Rap Version


If you havin' Church problems then don't blame God, son
I got ninety-five theses but the Pope ain't one.

VERSE 1
Listen up, all my people, its a story for the telling
'bout the sin and injustice and corruption I been smelling:
I met that homie Tetzel, then I started rebelling
Once I seen the fat Indulgences that he been selling.
Now the Catholics of the world straight up disgracin' me
Just because I waved my finger at the Papacy.
My people got riled up over this Reformation
That's when Leo threatened me with Excommunication.
I warned y'all that Rome best agree to the terms.
If not, then you can eat my Diet of Worms!
You think you gone and done something spectacular?
I wrote the whole Bible in the vernacular!
A heretic! [What?] Someone throw me a bone.
You forgot salvation comes through faith alone.
I'm on a mission from God. You think I do this for fun?
I got ninety-five theses but the Pope ain't one.
Save me!

CHORUS
Ninety-five theses but the Pope ain't one.
If you havin' Church problems then don't blame God, son
I got ninety-five theses but the Pope ain't one.

VERSE 2
One Five One Seven that's when it first went down.
Then the real test was when it started spreading around.
Sixty days to recant what I said? Father, please!
You've had, what? Goin' on fifteen centuries?
Oh snap, he's messin' with the holy communion.
But I ain't never dissed your precious hypostatic union!
One place at one time. Well, thank you Zwingli.
Yeah, way to disregard that whole I'm God thingy!
Getting all up in my rosary you little punk.
Your momma should'a told you not to mess with no monk.
What you bumpin' me for? Suddenly you sore.
Keep that up, you'll have yourself another Peasants' War.
You blame common folk for the smack they talkin'
You ain't never even taught them proper Christian doctrine.
With my hat, my Bible, and my sexy little nun,
I got ninety-five theses but the Pope ain't one.
Save me!

CHORUS
Ninety-five theses but the Pope ain't one.
If you havin' Church problems then don't blame God, son
I got ninety-five theses but the Pope ain't one.

VERSE 3
When I wrote the ninety-five, haters straight up assailed em.
Now they only care whether or not I nailed 'em or mailed 'em.
They got psychoanalytic. Now everyone's a critic,
And getting on my case just because I'm anti-Semitic.
I've come back from obscurity to teach y'all a lesson,
Cuz someone here still ain't read their Augsburg Confession.
I said Catholicism brings a life of excess,
And we all remember what went down with Philip of Hesse!
But you forgot about me and my religious demonstration?
Like you can just go create your own denomination?
We don't like this part, so well just add a little twist.
Now we Anglican, Amish, and even Calvinist.
I gave you the power, you gone and abused it.
I gave you God's truth, you just confused it.
Don't you never underestimate the shit that I done
I got 95 theses but the Pope ain't one.
Save me!

CHORUS
Ninety-five theses but the Pope ain't one.
If you havin' Church problems then don't blame God, son
I got ninety-five theses but the Pope ain't one.

Shout out to Johann Gutenberg... I see you baby.

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